Retribution Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 Meh... I don't like this one, but at least tell me what you like/dislike about it. Lately I haven't been getting much feedback. [CENTER][B]What Went Wrong?[/B] Some nights I don't sleep I just stare at the cieling, Asking what went wrong.[/CENTER] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 [font=Verdana][size=1]Not a bad effort, again. I think the problem with haiku's is that it's never entirely satisfying, because the reader wants a backstory to go with it. At the moment, I kind of want a backstory for this haiku, too. I do like the scene it paints, and it's a great descriptive, but at the same time...I want to know [i]why[/i] this person is there, staring at the ceiling. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]But yeah, not bad. [/size][/font] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
haruko girl Posted April 5, 2005 Share Posted April 5, 2005 i like the message this one is trying to convey, but i thought of a way of rephrasing it: some nights without sleep i stare up at the ceiling asking what went wrong it's still not metaphorical or fanciful or nething- it's blunt and to the point, tho at the same time it's different, and this is one that everyone and anyone can definately relate to at some point in their lives. i dunno, tell me what u think- [URL=http://www.myotaku.com/users/tohru487/][COLOR=DarkGreen]my site[/COLOR][/URL]. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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