Writing The Azure Prince [M-LSV]

[Onix]

[COLOR=Navy][SIZE=1]Long ago, in a far off land of magic and mysticism, there was a hero. He was noble, true, and gallant. Truly, he was the greatest...

...

Aw, hell, who're we kidding. In truth, he was a letch, a drunkard, and a fool. His armor wasn't particularly shiny, and he was never knighted. In all truth, he was just a lazy prince who saved the world. He was...[/SIZE]

[SIZE=4][B][CENTER]The Azure Prince[/CENTER][/B][/SIZE][/COLOR]

---

[COLOR=Navy][SIZE=3][CENTER]Chapter One:
[INDENT]The First Chapter[/CENTER][/INDENT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=1]It was a peaceful day in the peaceful (and aptly named) town of Peaceful Valley. Peaceful Valley was so peaceful, in fact, that most people were scared to visit it. They figured that some place so peaceful had to be plotting something. Something...non-peaceful. Or something. Am I actually reading this right?

[[I]Just read it. You're the narrator. Don't interfere with the fantasy[/I]]

*Sigh* Right, okay. Anyway, Peaceful Valley was peaceful, as usual. No one realized that anything not peaceful could happen. But they were wrong. Dead wrong. Only, not dead. Just wrong.

It was in a pub just outside Peaceful Valley (because a place as peaceful as Peaceful Valley could never have something as rowdy as a pub), called the Drunken Horse Head of Our Lord coincidentally, that the trouble began. It was a pub frequented by miners. Dwarf miners. Dwarves, as is commonly known, become very pleasant while drunk, except when insulted. Then they pick up large sharp and/or blunt implements and become infinitely less pleasant.

Anyway, the many Dwarves were having a very pleasant time, drinking large amounts of alcohol and bragging about the sizes of rocks they had broken that day and comparing beard thickness. Even the women, as Dwarven women are known for hearty arm muscles and even heartier beards. Which is probably the reason that one doesn't encounter many half-Dwarves.

Suddenly, as often happens is exciting action stories, the door of the pub swung open, two tall gentlemen walking in. At least, tall compared to the clientele. One was probably only of average height, his companion actually rather tall for a human. This made him extremely tall compared to Dwarves.

The shorter man (or less tall, if you prefer) was lean and incredibly handsome. His steely gray eyes sparkled with a strange glee, and his soft blue hair hung down in front of his face. (Well, just his eyes, really, because otherwise he'd have extremely long hair. Which he didn't.) His face was creased by a weary smile. The sweat wiped across his brow showed that he had been working hard, and the grin obviously meant that he was happy to be close to a good brew, and maybe a good wench. He was clad in rich armor, sturdy and ornate, covering his rich blue shirt and blue pants. A long blue cape hung down his back. The silver, stylized handle of a fine-crafter blade hung at his side, a sapphire gleaming at the center. Obviously, the man liked blue. Even his shoe-laces were blue.

The tall man was broader, and more muscular. His hair was a dull, rusty red, and his eyes a strange yellow. His looked around cautiously, his brow creased with worry. His hand never left the sturdy iron handle of his broadsword. He wore much sturdier armor, dark plate-mail unlike his companion's few pieces of stylized metal. He too wore a cape, but it was a simple black. A scar traced down one cheek, marring his tanned, weathered skin.

The Dwarves watched in a mixture of fear, unease, and anger as the two strangers walked in. They sat down at a table that was much too small, especially for the large red head. The handsome man was still smiling jauntily, the red head scowling faintly.

"So, am I a genius, or what?" asked the handsome man.

"You found a pub. Bloody brilliant," the red head replied, rolling his eyes.

"You know you are in awe of my greatness, Kain," said the blue haired man. "I got us to a safe haven long before [I]you[/I] would've. If it was up to you, we'd be lost in Granhamir Forest right now, being assaulted by angry gnomes."

"Shut it, Xai," Kain shot back. "You're the one who had the brilliant idea to cut through Karel Canyon back in Hondel. I still wince if I see golems."

"Not [I]my[/I] fault you tried to 'reason' with them," Xai growled. "Shoulda cut 'em down the instant we saw them. Which I did most of, by the way."

Kain let out a barking laugh. "If by most, you mean none, then yes."

"At least I wasn't pounded into the ground," Xai muttered.

"What was that?" Kain snarled.

"You 'eard me," Xai said. "You got pounded into the ground. I could've told you that wild golems wouldn't be pleasant speakers. But [I]noooo[/I]. You just had to be Mr. Talks-To-Wild-Monsters. Should call you [I]the Dragon Hunter[/I], they should."

"Shh," Kain said suddenly. "We might get sued."

"Yeah, yeah." Xai waved it off. "Bloody typical that I'd get stuck with the cowardly bodyguard."

"I could say a few things about your quirks, Mr..."

"Shut up!" Xai snapped. "You want to get us noticed, you great git?" he added in a harsh whisper.

"Oy!" bellowed a rough voice.

The two turned slowly around, Kain gulping. They met a particularly muscular Dwarf at eye-level - he was standing. The Dwarf had a ruddy face with dull brown eyes and a thick red beard. He was glaring at the two travelers, holding a large hammer loosely in one hand.

"What're you two doin' 'ere?" he asked, his voice tinged with drunkenness, adding to his thick accent. Most Dwarves sounded inexplicably Scottish, even though there was no Scotland in this land. Otherwise the land would probably be called Scotland. Which it wasn't.

"We were just passing through and decided to rest in this tavern before heading on," said Kain. "No trouble is wanted."

"Plus, I never say no to a good drink and a good wench," Xai said, grinning. "And as you probably know, both are better after a nice, hearty day of work."

The Dwarf leveled a glare with Xai, who shot back an equally harsh stare. Kain looked nervous, but the Dwarf's face suddenly split into a wide grin, and he let out a loud, drunken laugh.

"I like yeh, kid," said the dwarf, clapping a meaty hand on Xai's shoulder. "I be Nok the Meaty. What's yer name."

"I am Xai...the not so Meaty," said Xai. "And he's Kain the...Big and Wimpy. So, what's the best brew in this fine establishment?"

"That'd be Ogre's Bane," said Nok, smiling wildly. "But I dunno if'n yeh can handle it."

"I'd take that bet," Xai growled.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[CENTER]*****[/CENTER]

[COLOR=Navy][SIZE=1]As one would expect, drinking a brew so strong that it can make an Ogre tipsy generally makes one stupid. Very stupid, in fact. So unbelievably stupid, that they could say perhaps the stupidest thing in the history of stupid.

[[I]Xai: It wasn't that bloody bad![/I]]

That's what [I]he[/I] says. Anyway, Xai and Kain were having a good time drinking Ogre's Bane with Nok and his friends, when they started telling jokes. Most of them involved breaking people's skulls in half with ball-peane hammers, and most of the others made fun of Elves. Because no matter what fantasy world you're in, Dwarves hate Elves.

Xai desperately searched for the best Elf-Bashing joke he could think of. Where he came from, there weren't many Dwarves, or Elves, so jokes usually didn't feature stupid, foppish Elves.

"'K, 'K, I gotsh one," Xai said, his speech slurred by the thick drink. "Sho, God's making all the creatures in the world, right? Well, first he makes all kindsa monsters, like Ogres n' Dragons' stuff. But they're all mean and stupid, so he decides to make summat smart and less ugly.

So first, he makes Elves. He spends lotsa time makin' em pretty and stuff, but finds out that they're still really dumb, and pretty much useless."

All the Dwarves laughed loudly, and quite drunkenly. Some fell off their chairs. One particularly drunk Dwarf fell off his chair, rolled through a trap door, and was eaten by a gigantic rat. But then again, he was named Skug the Puny.

"The God decided to make somfin stronger. So worked real hard and made things real tough, and muscular. But he used so much on their muscles, he ran out of material, so he made them all short. They became the Dwarves.

Finally, he decided to make one that was real smart. So he made their brains real big, and gave 'em sorta pretty faces, and pretty good muscles. An' he called 'em humans. And so all the humans an' Dwarves n' Elves lived amidst the monsters, 'cause God forgot to get rid of 'em."

The Dwarves laughed far less boisterously at the end of the story, obviously not liking how the humans were made out to be superior in any way to Dwarves. But most of them were too drunk to realize [I]why[/I] they were angry exactly.

After that, Xai couldn't remember much. But obviously, the aforementioned incredibly stupid statement was made at some point. All he knew was that something went wrong and that Ogre's Bane was hazardous to your health.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[CENTER]*****[/CENTER]

[COLOR=Navy][SIZE=1]The small town of Peaceful Valley was very peaceful this, fine, peaceful morning. At least, it was, until the door of the nearby pub exploded off its hinges, a crowd of angry, drunken Dwarves wielding large sharp and/or blunt implements came charging out. Moving just a bit ahead was a tall man with blue hair and a taller man with red hair.

"You're an idiot. You realize that, right?"

"Just shut up and keep running!"

Xai and Kain barreled through the not-so-peaceful Peaceful Valley, people ducking out of their way for fear of being trampled. The peaceful people of Peaceful Valley obviously weren't use to such rowdy things.

"If the Dwarves don't first, I'm going to kill you!" Kain barked.

"Aw shut it!" Xai groaned.

Thinking quickly, the blue-haired man stopped and swirled on his heel, cape flapping dramatically. He whipped out his long silver sword, pointing it towards the crowd of charging Dwarves.

"Kain, we stand and fight! No more running like cowards!"

"Xai, you can be dead and brave, or cowardly and alive! Chose!" Kain said, grabbing Xai's arm.

"I pick brave and alive," rang Xai's baritone voice.

"You're a stupid, cheesy git," Kain growled. "But I'm honor-bound to save your lousy hide, so I'll do just that."

The Dwarves skidded to a halt in front of the two warriors. Some of them growled, while others belched drunkenly. They began to advance slowly as dust was kicked up dramatically by a previously nonexistent wind. Xai and Kain stood side-by-side, swords at the ready.

"Le's see if yeh can really eviscerate fifteen Dwarves with a single sword stroke, like yeh said yeh could," growled one Dwarf.

"Or if'n they really call yeh Xai the Bringer-of-Death," sneered another.

"Or if yeh've reallah gotten it with five women at once," called a female Dwarf.

All of them stopped, and Xai had to shudder at the though of the full-bearded Dwarf woman. The dramatic wind started up again, whipping Xai and Kain's capes around and kicking up more dust. Down the road, a farmer contracted Tan-Lung, a disease similar to Black Lung but caused by dramatic dust storms instead of coal.

"You shall not pass!" Xai bellowed.

"We're no tryin' teh pass, we're trying to kill yeh," called a Dwarf in the back. "Stupid git!"

"[B]You shall not pass![/B]"

"I told yeh we're no trying teh pass!"

"[B]YOU SHALL NOT PASS![/B]"

Suddenly, the Dwarves blanched. Weapons clattered to the ground as they dropped them. As suddenly as they decided to kill Xai and Kain, they fled, tearing through the continually non-Peaceful streets of Peaceful valley. Xai and Kain stood, staring for a moment, until Xai spoke up.

"See? Told you it works every time."

"[COLOR=Red]Actually[/COLOR]," came a deep booming voice. "[COLOR=Red]I think that was [I]my[/I] doing.[/COLOR]"

Xai and Kain turned. Sitting astride a great black warhorse was a man clad in gleaming black armor, more impressive than Kain's and more ornate than Xai's. What clothing that was visible was blood red and rich. A blood red cape flapped behind him. He slowly pulled off his demonic helmet, revealing a handsome face, marred by a single X just above the bridge of his nose. His platinum hair shone in the sun, and his red eyes glittered fiercely.

"[COLOR=Red]For all fear Carnag...the Destroyer![/COLOR]"[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[CENTER]*****[/CENTER]

[COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1]And with that, I post the first Chapter of the Azure Prince. Hopefully it was interesting and, more so, funny. Humor was really what I was aiming for. And trust me, there will be more jokes, actual fighting, and more characters in the near future.

-ULX[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Mykul]

dude, that was great. it had a very comfortable feeling when i read it because of the humor you laced into it. i look forward to reading the next installment.

[de1ayna]

Wow that was awesome this is the first story that I have read here and ...the best the thing I like most about your first chapter is how hot you make the characters sound(because I am prety much an adoring obsessive fangirl)And I also like howthis kind of reminded me of "The Lord Of The Rings"with the " you shall not pass"thing and such. Any way I look forward to reading the next chapter. Kudos. :D

[Azure Rose]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]Ah, that was great! Lecherous, drunken princes make for really funny stories, yes they do. What I liked most though, was that the humour didn't completely overshadow the storyline. It was funny without seeming like it tried too hard, if that makes sense. Anyway, I can't wait for the next chapter, I'm sure it will be just as good. ^_^
[INDENT]~Azure[/INDENT][/COLOR]

[Onix]

[COLOR=Navy][SIZE=1]Thanks for all the positive feedback. Glad to know people enjoy it. So, without further ado, here's...

[SIZE=3][CENTER]Chapter Two:
The Continuing[/CENTER][/SIZE]

"That's the stupidest ruddy thing I've ever heard," Xai laughed. He dropped his voice and added a growl. "[COLOR=Red]'All fear [COLOR=Orange]m[/COLOR]e! I a[COLOR=DarkRed]m[/COLOR] Ca[COLOR=Wheat]rnag[/COLOR], the B[COLOR=SandyBrown]rea[/COLOR]k[COLOR=Purple]er[/COLOR] of F[COLOR=Pink]in[/COLOR]e China!'[/COLOR]"

Carnag snorted in disgust, hopping down from the mighty war-horse. His cape billowed behind him as he dropped, shining like blood in the noon sun. As he stood in front of the two warriors, he leveled them a glare, eyes like chips of granite.

"[COLOR=Red]As Evil Overlord of all the Land, I order you to be silent, you effeminite little man-bitch.[/COLOR]"

Xai's eye twitched and he went to grab his sword. However, he had already drawn his sword, and only managed to stab a hole in his cloak.

"Well, shit," Xai swore. "I liked the cloak. It was all blue and shiny."

"[COLOR=Red]Less talking, more dying,[/COLOR]" Carnage sneered.

With dramatic flair, he lifted one black-gloved hand to the sky. Fires burned in his palm, and a massive ebony sword appeared, dropping into his waiting palm. He swung it down in one magnificent slash, and brought it level with Xai.

"Fancy," Kain said.

"Stop admiring the bad guys Special Effects and get ready to cut 'im open!" Xai drew up his blade, ready to fight.

Again, the Dramatic Wind fluttered about. As the wind whiped about, Carnag noticied something. Around Xai's neck was a shimmering silver chain, from which hund a large Sapphire, glinting in the sun. Carved in the deep blue gem was an arcane symbol. His eyes widened in shock.

"[COLOR=Red]Your...necklace...[/COLOR]" Carnag began. "[COLOR=Red]Where...?[/COLOR]"

"What, you mean the sapphire the size of a [B][I]fucking Goose egg[/I][/B] hanging around my [B][I]neck[/I][/B]!?" Xai snapped. "I don't see how the hell you missed it during the past five minutes, unless..."

He paused, giving Carnag the once-over.

"You were staring at my ass, weren't you," Xai said, grinning.

"[COLOR=Red]Wha...!? I...I never...I...[/COLOR]" Carnag sputtered. Red flushed to his face at the inferrence. "[COLOR=Red]I was [I]NOT[/I] staring at your ass, you impetuous fool![/COLOR]"

"Fine," Xai conceded.

"[COLOR=Red]I'm glad you...[/COLOR]"

"My crotch, then."

Carnag was struck dumb, stopping in mid-sentence to stare at Xai open-mouthed. His mouth opened and closed a few times, but he was unable to speak.

"I mean, not that I should be surprised, or anything," Xai said, smiling like a madman. "I am sexy enough for both genders."

Kain stiffled a laugh, and Carnag just stood there. After a few minutes, Kain edged over to Xai.

"Maybe we should escape while he's stunned," Kain whispered. "I don't know about you, but I don't feel like fighting an Evil Overlord right now."

"Yeah, all right. Let's head through that forest over there."

And with that, the two heroes left the slain...er...stunned-by-homosexual-innuendo Overlord to...um...be stunned. Damned fools, not playing by the script.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[CENTER]*****[/CENTER]

[COLOR=Navy][SIZE=1]And so, the two Heroes bravely...erm...ran away through "Ye Olde Foreste ofe Extrae E'se." No one is quite sure how it got its name, as there are very little Es to be found in a forest. Except the legendary Tree of Letters, but that was in another Forest, "The Forest of Bizarre and Inane Plot Points." It was aptly named.

Anyway, they were walking briskly through the forest, when Xai decided to start his bitching again. As he so often did.

[[I]Xai: Do not![/I]]

Yes you do. I'm the narrator, I make the rules.

[[I]Xai: Wrinkled old he-bitch[/I]]

Whiny, effeminate little he-bitch.

[[I]Xai: Touche[/I]]

Anyway, Xai decided to begin complaining about something, again.

"I hate bloody nature with all its bloody animals and bloody monsters and bloody lack of gin and attractive women," Xai scowled.

"Xai, for the last time, [I]SHUT THE HELL UP YOU WHINY LITTLE HE-BITCH![/I]" Kain barked. A tic had developed in his right eye, obviously for being in close proximity to Xai for days on end.

[[I]Xai: Why must everyone call me a little he-bitch?[/I]]

Because it's true. So shut up.

Xai fell into a sullen silence, only occasionally ceasing his angst to comment on the lack of alcohol. They slowly walked through the peaceful, quiet forest, with nary a cute fuzzy animal to abuse. Not that I'm advocating the abuse of cute fuzzy animals. 'S just the kind of thing those two bastards would do.

As they passed the fifteenth cranberry shrub, they discovered a sign jammed in the ground. It was crudly carved from cherry wood, and was written on with wild, woolly handwriting. It was clearly labeled, "Pond of the Sea Lady". Which made no sense, as she wouldn't be a Sea Lady if she lived in a pond. But sense is a rare commodity in this world, so all discarded it.

They carefully walked to the clear, glistening pond. Enclasped in the shining waters was a beautiful woman, clad in a pale white dress that drifted softly with the wind. How, something underwater was affected by the wind, we do not know.

"Col blimey, mate," Kain gasped.

"Bloody 'ell," Xai replied. "She's fuckin' gorgeous, eh?"

"Wait...since when did we 'ave rather workin'-class accents, Xai?" Kain asked.

"'S the only way the author can properly convey the Brit-ness of our speech, as he is not one," Xai explained. "I know this because he likes me, but not you. Tol' me 'e though you were gettin' fat. And yer mum's a poor shag."

Kain stared at Xai for a moment, looking a combination of cross and confused. Xai grinned like an idiot.

"...Yer a jackass, mate," Kain said, shrugging it off.

"Right you are," Xai agreed, still grinning. "Now, about the stacked babe in the pond. Think she'll lob a scimitar at me? Then I can be emperor."

"Stop referencing movies that don't even exist in this dimension and let's go. It's no business of ours."

"Aw...but's she hooooooot," Xai whined.

"But we don't even know how to go about waking her up."

"Elecro-shock therapy always seems to work for me," Xai said, his eyes glittering.

Kain glared. "So you're the cause of my singed nostril hairs!"

"Stop bitching about your muzzle, ye great git, and check this out," Xai said. He pointed to a large stone lying near the pond. A strange language was carved into it.
.
[I][CENTER]"醒める ザ 処女...
...麿 べき 召 幽幽たる より ザ 水域...
...又 嗽 , ' 莫迦! ' "[/CENTER][/I]

"Well crap. How're we gonna read that?" Xai grumbled. "Stupid arcane languages."

"Wait, I think I can translate," Kain said. "I'm a little rusty, but it comes out as...

[I][CENTER]"To awake the virgin...
...a power call deep from the waters...
...again gargle , ' fool! ' "[/CENTER][/I]

Xai opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. "You're an ass. What the hell does that mean?"

"I think to awake her, we have to call upon the power of the water and...gargle...'Fool!'"

Xai stared at Kain and blinked slowly. "You want me to kill you, don't you. You're deliberately sabbotaging my chances with the sexy Pond-Chick. For this, I must destroy you."

"Woud you stop with the destruction attempts?"

"No."

"Listen, just take a drink and gargle 'Fool!' If I'm wrong, you can hit me," Kain conceded.

"With a blunt instrument of DOOM?" Xai said, eyes sparkling like a kid on Christmas Day.

"Yes. A blunt instrument of DOOM."

"Yay!"

Xai quickly crawled to the waters edge. With a steady hand, he bent down to the serene waters and drew up a handfull of the liquid, drinking deep. Then, in a loud, moist voice, he cried out, "[B]FOOL[/B]!"

The pond exploded in light, a geyser of pond-water shooting into the air. It was blinding, the drops of water raining down like a torrent of gems, or some other poetric clap-trap like that. And rising from the center of the explosion was the beautiful woman, black hair whipping around her like tendrils of shadow. Her clear, sapphire eyes shone, and a light flush filled her cheeks.

"Who the hell called me a fool!?"[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[CENTER]*****[/CENTER]

[COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1]And thus, we meet the newest member of the Azure Prince family. Who is she? How will I mock conventions? Will Xai get anywhere? Why am I still talking? Find out next -

-ULX[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Ezekiel]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue][SIZE=1]Oh man, I'm still giggling. That was brilliant, I didn?t realise that you were capable of such humour, my dear.

[QUOTE]"You were staring at my ass, weren't you," Xai said, grinning.

"Wha...!? I...I never...I..." Carnag sputtered. Red flushed to his face at the inferrence. "I was NOT staring at your ass, you impetuous fool!"

"Fine," Xai conceded.

"I'm glad you..."

"My crotch, then."

Carnag was struck dumb, stopping in mid-sentence to stare at Xai open-mouthed. His mouth opened and closed a few times, but he was unable to speak.

"I mean, not that I should be surprised, or anything," Xai said, smiling like a madman. "I am sexy enough for both genders."[/QUOTE]

That sounds like one of our conversations! >.> And I'm getting the impression that Xai is based on you, therefore Xai is a jackass and Kain is my favourite character and deserves to get the hot pond woman ^_~[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Onix]

[COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1]*Grumbles about Methuselah's comment*

Before the third chapter begins, a quick note: I forgot to mention that every character has a secret. And I mean EVERY character. Even Nok the Meaty. His secret? He has a thing for Goblin women. The most secretive secret belongs to Kain, oddly enough. I've dropped a few hints, but I'd be very surprised if any guessed it already. Considering they are very bad hints. Bad hints, bad *scolds hints*.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[CENTER]*****[/CENTER]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=DarkSlateBlue][SIZE=3][CENTER]Chapter Three:
Cat Scratch Fe-vah![/CENTER][/SIZE]

The beautiful woman stepped down out of the pond, the waters quieting down behind her. She glared at the two adventurers, blue eyes flashing.

"So? Who said it?" she snarled.

The two slowly looked at eachother, as if grasping for an answer. Instantly, they decided on the proper course of action.

"He did it," they chorused, pointing to the other.

The woman's eye twitched sexily as she stared.

"Fine. I'll just crush you both."

"Madame, please, I believe such a pretty lady as yourself does not desire for such a low and debased form of action," Xai said, wincing a little from her harsh stare.

"Oh yeah. I do."

Xai threw his arms into the air, sighing. "Well, I tried, buddy. Guess we both die, master and servant. Unless, of course, you are willing to sacrifice yourself for me."

Kain stared at him, gaping. He quickly burst into laughter.

"Jackass," Xai muttered.

"Okay, jerk-crushing time," the girl snarled.

With a clap of her hands and a dramatic flourish of her arms, light exploded around her. Her gossamer white gown faded away as light winked and flashed around her. Quickly, it was replaced by a revealing leather number. As the light faded, she stood and pointed at Xai and Kain.

"Now, you pay."

Xai and Kain stood still for a moment. Kain looked on in terror, while Xai slowly began to grin.

"I can totally see you naked when you do that."

The woman's eyes flashed menacingly, and she clenched her fists. With quick, arcane muttering a long, bright red sword with a strange wave blade appeared in her hand, wreathed in flames.

"Horny jackass!" she screamed.

"Aw shit."

In an instant, the woman charged Xai, swinging her sword towards his head. Smoke trailed behind the blade, and sparks flew as Xai's arm guard took the blow. Thinking quickly, he gripped the large blade with his other hand, pulling the woman down with it. The sword clattered to the ground, and he swung behind her, arms moving up under her own arms, pinning her down.

"Wow," Kain breathed. "Even I didn't see that coming, and I've been travelling with him."

"Now," Xai snarled, a menacing edge in his voice. "You're gonna settle down, and we're gonna talk this out, right? No more stunts like that, all right love?"

The woman was silent, stunned by Xai's sudden skill.

Xai's eye quickly sparkled, and Kain groaned as Xai copped a feel. With inhuman strength, the woman broke his hold and spun around, punching Xai in the face.

"Pervert!" she shrieked.

"Ah, couldn't resist, love," Xai groaned. He sat up, having been knocked flat on his ass. "It was just getting too tense there. Had to lighten the mood, eh?"

"Show of hands, who saw that coming," Kain groaned.

Xai stood up and brushed himself off as the woman glared at him. Kain was staying well away from the conflict zone.

"So, now that that's out of the way...what's yer name?"

"Ell," the woman said, curtly.

"Ell?" Xai snorted. "Tha's it?"

"This coming from a man named 'Xai?'" Kain quipped, raising one eyebrow.

Xai paused to glare at Kain.

"Shut up."

He quickly turned back to Ell.

"So, as the obligatory female character you're, what, a mage?"

The woman snorted. "Hardly."

"...Gothic yet incredibly sexy warrior?"

"No."

"Theif?"

"No."

"Ninja?"

"Do you see any shuriken?"

"Superspy?"

"Fantasy setting," Ell said in a singsong voice.

"Princess?"

"Do I look like a princess to you?"

"No."

Xai and Ell glared at Kain.

"I just wanted to be part of the moment," he whined.

"Wimp," the other two chorused.

They turned to stare at eachother.

"That was wierd," they again chorused.

There was an awkward pause. They stared eachother up and down.

"Zigzotwooeywooeyhooblah!"

Kain felt a muscle twitch near his eye. He needed ale. Or a very large sword.

"Well, if you don't fall into any of the other female-character cliches...what [I]are[/I] you?"

"If you [I]must[/I] know," Ell sighed. "I am an Element-Smyth, the proud and respected forgers of mythical, elemental weapons."

"That does explain the fire sword..."

"Ah, you mean the Blayze-Swyft."

"Blaze-Swift?"

"No, Blayze-Swyft. With 'y's."

"Why?"

"Yes."

"No, why?"

"No, there are ys."

Yes, Kain needed LOTS of ale. Or a lot of sharp objects. Or a goblin horde. Hordes are always fun...except for the people being mercilessly slaughtered.

"He means why as in the bloody interrogative, not the blood letter, you two bloody fools!"

Kain's last word hung in the air. In a figurative sense, of course. It would be strange if a word was actually hanging there in space.

"What...did...you...call...me?" Ell snarled.

"Aw hell," Kain growled. "Just get it over with and kill me now."

Just as Ell began to advance, a hideous, bone chilling shriek echoed through the forest. Birds fluttered from the trees, cawing and squawking. The three warriors stood, wary, as silence hung think in the air.

Suddenly, a huge shadow flew from the thick trees, lunging straight at Kain. His body wrenched to the side and he fell to the ground. The shadows slid around, facing Xai and Ell.

Fierce green eyes glittered in the midsty of black and silver fur. It licked it's long, ebony fangs with a rough pink tongue. Lean and elegant beneath shining fur, it twitched it's muscles, slowly moving forward on massive feet, tipped with glittering claws. Its tale twitched and bobbed through the air, and another fierce growl escaped its lips.

"I hate cats," Kain moaned.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[CENTER]*****[/CENTER]

[COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1]Another epic cliffhanger, another convention-breaking character, and finally a ferocious beast, with hints of an epic fight. I'll leave you wanting for now. Ja ne.

-ULX[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Ezekiel]

[COLOR=Gray][SIZE=1]Well, most of what I would have said in this comment I said on MSN...therefore I am only posting now so that you can write the next chapter!

Just so that I don't get yelled at by mods, I will comment on this chapter properly. Ell is great, much better than Kain and she's now my favourite character. Of course, Xai is still at the bottom of my list, keh heh.

I'm really happy that you made Ell an uber-cool, slightly psycho female character instead of the stereotypical weak and depressed water chicks. Not that I've had much experience with them....[/babble]

Write the next chapter. Now. Or else...[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Onix]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=SlateGray]Well, since Methy'll probably kill me if I don't do this soon, I'm posting the next chapter. Woo.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[CENTER]*****[/CENTER]

[COLOR=Navy][SIZE=1][SIZE=3][CENTER]Chapter Four:
I Refuse To Make The Lame And Obvious "Mee-Ow" Pun...Aw, Damnit![/CENTER][/SIZE]

"Aw, but you have so much in common, Kain," Xai said. "You're both pussies."

The warrior grinned wickedly, stepping back from the massive beast's talons. It slashed through the air at Xai, bearing down on him with feral elegance.

Xai jumped back and drew his sword, pointing the shining steel at his foe. The feline's eyes narrowed, and it slipped it's rough tongue over its protruding fangs, licking its lips.

"En guard, you foul monstrosity," Xai said, locking eyes with the cat.

A raspy hiss escaped the cat's throat, and it slowly stalked forward, paws barely whispering against the leaves. It's tail twitched lightly, ears moving like weather-veins. Xai watched calmly as it tensed it's muscles, lowering down to the ground. It was hunched and ready, poised for the kill. A hunter, ready to slay its prey.

The forest was silent, save a few crinkling leaves, whipped about by the Dramatic Wind. Xai's cape flapped elegantly as he stood, sword not wavering for a moment. It shimmered and glittered in the slowly setting sun, rays of fire arcing across the sky. The world was near at peace as the battle paused.

Then it happened. Xai saw the cat's muscles twitch ever so slightly, flexing beneath the gossamer skin of its fur. He shifted his weight, ever so slightly, to the balls of his feet. The cat bunched up it's shoulders, and moved.

It was over in a flash.

The cat moved like lightning, damn near flying as its feet left the ground. Xai prepared to step to the side, dodging the leaping beast and finishing it with a single sword-stroke. But it never happened.

The cat went flying to the side as Ell jumped in, knocking it out of the air with a massive ebony hammer. The feline smashed into several trees, breaking a few, and crumpled to the ground, unconscious. Ell stood, hair whiping about, resting the shaft of the hammer on the ground. She turned to Xai and smiled wickedly.

"You..." Xai said, staring in stunned awe. "You....you bloody bitch!"

"What!?" Ell snarled. "I just saved you life you ungrateful bastard!"

"I was going to defeat the beast, you cow! I had it all ready, and then you jump in with that big-ass hammer and ruin everything!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, how silly of me to think that a woman could ever have the skill to defeat the big scary monster. Guess I should go back to cooking, eh? Only the men can be the hero, eh? You cheauvenistic, perverted, egotistical..."

"I was trying to save your life and Kain's life. I was trying to do something nice, and chivalrous, and gentlemanly. I was trying to be a Good Guy! But you have to be miss 'Burn-My-Bra-Uber-Feminist' and start undercutting me!"

"You're just a pigheaded, self-important jerk who was trying to make himself look good for the ladies!"

"Feh! What ladies? You barely qualify as one! Were it not for your plentiful bosomy delights, I would take you for a man!"

"Listen, jerk-ass, just cause I wear leggings and don't giggle like a school girl doesn't mean I'm not a lady. You couldn't handle a lady like me."

"Like I'd want to, you self-important witch!"

"I think you need to feel like a hero because you're overcompensating for something."

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Xai sneered haughtily. "Though I do fear you couldn't handle things."

"I can handle whatever you've got," Ell hissed.

"I'd make you scream," Xai growled.

"And I'd break you in half," Ell shot back.

"I've made better women then you praise me as God."

"And I've made better men than you join monestaries."

"Out of disgust with women, no doubt. You could turn Cassanova gay, love."

"Looks like someone already got to you."

"I've turned lesbians."

"I've been with them."

"That would explain a lot," Xai sneered.

"You're just jealous because I get more women than you do."

"Women from Greedon to Hallast have compared my man-bits to those of Gods."

"Elven women, no doubt."

"Why must you mock my genitals?" Xai sulked.

"Why not?"

"Sorry to interrupt the love-birds, but it's getting dark," Kain interjected. "We better be going."

"Love-Birds!?" the two bellowed. "I despise (him/her)!"[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[CENTER]*****[/CENTER]

[COLOR=SlateGray][SIZE=1]Wow, that was a fun argument to write. The beast is slain (or is it?), Xai and Ell have more unresolved sexual tension between them than two Elephants in heat, and Kain is once again the target of abuse. But will they be able to escape Ye Olde Foreste before it gets dark? You'll just have to wait.

-ULX[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Ezekiel]

[SIZE=1]I'm replying to this because...well, ULX asked me too and he needs to get the next chapter up. ^_^;

I printed this chapter off, it was that good, sure I've just had to re-read it to actually remember what happened, but it was brilliantly funny, especially the argument. I really look forward to the next chapter from what you told me yesterday, it'll be even better than this.

Great job, babe, you better keep this story going or I may have to force you somehow ^_~[/SIZE]

[O-tako-sama]

[COLOR=DarkRed][SIZE=1]Well... There are a couple of amendments and errors I could pick at... But I'll most likely tell you in person or on MSN... Yeah... Potato.[/SIZE][/COLOR] :blowup: