Writing Untitled [M]

[Jokopoko]

[COLOR=TEAL][SIZE=1]Something I just wrote as it came out of my head.

[U][I]Untitled[/I][/U]

I knew that it was going to happen yet I didn?t do anything about it, don?t ask me why but I just couldn?t summon the strength to stop it happening. It had all built up so fast and now it was crashing down just as fast. All around me, wherever I looked, I could see her laughing at me, jeering at the idiot who thought he might stand a change with her. As I walk down the corridors and streets I see people I know, people I called friends, whispering in corners and laughing as I walk by and all the while I act as if I can?t here them because I don?t want to hear them.

It hurt so much I?m trying to block the memory of that entire event from my head, erase it forever as if it had never happened. If only I?d known then what I know now none of it would have happened. I?d still be happy and nothing would have changed; now I?ve got all these questions in my head thanks to the gift that is hind-sight. How could I have done it differently, what would I have changed, what wouldn?t I have done at all. I?ll never know now because it?s all coming to its conclusion and for that I?m glad.

If you looked at me now you?d see just a normal person who looked as though his life wasn?t that bad, nothing seemed to be troubling him as he walked down the street listening to the music in his mind, not paying any attention to anything save for the sound of his footfalls on the pavement and the direction in which he was going. How wrong you?d be.

You can?t hear the battle that?s raging in my mind, whether I should confront her about it, set things straight about what had happened. Or I should just purge her from my mind and get on with my life. But it?s not as easy as that, for as long as I can remember I?ve known her face, I?ve heard her voice, I?ve died a little each time she hugged someone else, I?ve noticed the little things that make her perfect and the one thing that makes her a cut above the rest. If beauty is in the eyes of the beholder then I wish I could just tear mine out and never look at her again.
If I could I?d just go back and stop myself from saying anything about it to anyone and then I could just deal with myself and not have to cope with all the staring eyes, wicked tongues and burning words. I?d end it all and go back to the beginning.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Ezekiel]

[COLOR=Purple][SIZE=1]That's very touching, hon, I do hope this isn't a true reflection on your feelings at the moment?

[QUOTE]But it?s not as easy as that, for as long as I can remember I?ve known her face, I?ve heard her voice, I?ve died a little each time she hugged someone else, I?ve noticed the little things that make her perfect and the one thing that makes her a cut above the rest.[/QUOTE]

That has to be the best part, in my opinion. The way you haven't tried to be poetic or use similes and metaphors. Just plain and simple fact, I think the emotion is conveyed far better this way and it's certainly much stronger.

I really do like this piece and I think you wrote it wonderfully, but like I say, the situation that made you write it may not be the best at this point in time. Let's see something happy coupled with this, shall we?[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Not bad, really. In my opinion, there's just one part that jars the whole piece as a whole;[/size][/font]
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[QUOTE]
[size=1][color=#008080]If you looked at me now you?d see just a normal person who looked as though his life wasn?t that bad, nothing seemed to be troubling him as he walked down the street listening to the music in his mind, not paying any attention to anything save for the sound of his footfalls on the pavement and the direction in which he was going. How wrong you?d be. [/color][/size]
[/QUOTE]
[font=Verdana][size=1]See, the problem with this line, as I see it, is that it goes from first person point of view to third person, and it doesn't really seem to fit that well. I've done something like this in a couple of stories and the character describing themselves seems a bit odd to the reader. I'm not really sure what you could do to improve it; perhaps you could cut it out completely, or, instead of describing the character, describe what the character [i]thinks[/i] other people think when they look at him -- if that makes sense. Eh, I'll try to give you an example.[/size][/font]
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[i][font=Verdana][size=1]I'm sure people looking at me would just see a normal person. A person whose life wasn't that bad. A person whose life wasn't troubling him. How wrong they'd be.[/size][/font][/i]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]The switches from perspective are quite jarring -- and the description of himself, too. While the description is good [the 'music in his mind' is a great description] it just doesn't [i]fit[/i].[/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]Other than that, though. It's a really good piece. ^_^ Well done![/size][/font]

[KarmaOfChaos]

[color=deeppink][size=1]This is a very good piece, and the topic is something I think everyone (or at least, most everyone) can relate to. The beginning is especially intriguing - it made me want to read the rest of the story, to find out what's so wrong. But my absolute favorite moment is this one:

"If beauty is in the eyes of the beholder then I wish I could just tear mine out and never look at her again."

As Methuselah said, sometimes it's better to just have plain and simple fact, and that in and of itself is much more powerful. However, I am also a huge lover of lyrical sentences and metaphors and taking little phrases like "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder" and manipulating them eloquently to the will of the story. Stuff like that just speaks to my soul.

And I really had to restrain myself from adding a "man" to the end of that last sentence. >.>

But yes! Good work!

-Karma[/size][/color]