Writing Walking Shoes [E]

[Charles]

First I drafted a poem about pasta, now I bring you one about shoes.


My old walking shoes, most endearing friends
Worn, laces frayed, but loyal to your ends
Your color's fading, your complexion gray
But--won't you walk with me--just one last day?
Join me, squeaking out your little noises
Together, "peep, peep, peep" sing your voices
I fit you, and you me, together we
Spent youth jogging, now stroll comfortably
Our seasons have come, our seasons must go
Autumn has passed, now we wear beards of snow
Souls exposed--bare, yes, like any man's who
Spent all his years being treaded on too
With skin aired dry, no longer smooth like cream
Won't you please walk me through one last day dream?

[Annie]

[color=darkslategray]Aww, that was sad. Well, it reminds me of my youth, and my favorite pair of shoes. My mother eventually threw them away..when I wasn't looking. So, it makes me sad.

Really good one, Charles. Shoes are wonderful.[/color]

[Drix D'Zanth]

I liked the poem Charlie... I liked the rhyming. I feel like actual rhyming poetry is a dying breed. I'm glad to see you are keeping it alive and voraciously so.

I liked the flow of the poem most of all. I liked how your transitions from idea to idea were something that could have just as easily been recited in a memory of these "shoes" as it was in poetry. I liked how you worked the rhyme to your ideas instead of forcing a scheme. Although there didn't seem to be a specific direction in terms of rhyme scheme, i was rarely thrown off by extra syllables.

The poem itself was beautifully nostalgic, and the metaphor you drew between the shoes and old age was quite priceless. I never have been a person to really consider his old shoes, but I suppose memories are shared with my shoes more than any other inanimate object...

As for this constructive criticism.. please take it however you please, just some ideas from a fellow writer, Charlie . I thought the fourth line threw off the flow a bit, maybe omitting "just" could improve it. Line eleven's ",yes," seems to throw off the flow a bit; but it's connecting an important idea, so I'm not exactly sure how it could improve.

That's really all I could think of, at the moment. That's fun stuff... hopefully you will have this one published like the Macaroni poem?

[Japan]

That poem was sad.

It reminds me of those instances of me being lonely.

It was really well done. I loved it. You are really good with the flow of words.

[Mitch]

The part about "beards of snow" was great - I got an actual image of the shoes with beards, and old, wrinkled faces.

Excellent poem. It rhymes, but not on purpose, and it all works together and flows.

[Zidargh]

I felt that it flowed more like a rap than anything else, but that is good. Perhaps we should all try influencing more beautiful language that 'nigga' into rap.

Either way I found it lovely. Just reminds me of companionship, almost how you don't want to let go of something but know you eventually will have to. Reminded me of my dog. He passed away whilst I was in America last October.

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[lea]

Seems a lot of what you write turns into some kinda favorite of mine. And not because you are you, but you really have a sort of friendship with words, a flare for putting things together that really work well. Kinda like a great chef creating new dishes.

It was very good. I liked it a lot. =)