Writing Workshop Story [PG]

[Arcadia]

[size=1]I've got to write another story for one of my classes, and the other day our professor had us write out a scene involving some of the characters. Up until that point I had some ideas about what I wanted to do and what the basic issues were going to be for the main character, but I hadn't really tried to write anything. I typed up the results to get some feedback. Let's see if you guys manage to pick up on anything. ^_~

Sarah, if you happen to read this, I swear I'm not copying down your life story or anything. Rather, I'm combining an idea that I've been confronted with lately with some characteristics from various friends and family members... but I did borrow Columbia. >_>;

[b]Insert Clever Title Here[/b]

There is only so much that a person can take, and Maria was officially at breaking point. Standing there in the kitchen, her hand white with tension where she gripped the refrigerator door, she stared hard at the spot where her leftover Cuban ham sandwich should have been. She?d saved that sandwich, wrapped it carefully and lovingly within its little plastic to-go box, and had purposely hid it behind the numerous cans of soda so that it could be out of site and safe from hungry, grubby fingers.

Apparently, though, it had not been safe enough. In a tight voice, she asked, ?Who took my sandwich??

Her mother looked up from the kitchen table where she was helping her eldest daughter write out wedding invitations. It might have been more correct to say that she was directing the entire process; her mother had the tendency to quietly but efficiently slip in and gain control of any given situation. It was impossible to call her on it, though ? she always had such an unobtrusive look about her and could easily knock out any such allegations with a polite blink of her round doe eyes. She?d done the same with most of the wedding, in fact. And despite the fact that they could have easily paid any number of people to do the invitations for them, their mother had insisted that they make the cards themselves.

It was, in all truthfulness, par for course for their artistically inclined control freak of a mother but that didn?t stop Maria from eyeing the piles of tinted sheer paper and colorful, handwritten messages with something bordering exasperation.

Pausing in her diligent efforts to stuff the envelopes, her mother blinked at her and inquired in a hesitant sort of way, ?Maria??

It nearly sounded as though with that one word, her mother wasn?t just asking after her; it was as if she was questioning her daughter?s entire existence. And while a part of her knew that her mother just hadn?t heard her, Maria realized then that that was the real problem, finally bubbling to the surface: no one in the family seemed to hear her anymore. She could feel all her pent up frustration and rage roaring inside her like a caged animal, fighting to be let loose. ?My sandwich,? she managed to repeat, sounding a little more desperate then she would have liked, ?The one I brought home from Panera? It?s gone.?

Her sister, without looking up from her wedding invitations, said plainly, ?Dad probably ate it, like always.?

As Maria?s face dropped, her mother added in the sweet but nagging tone that only a mother can employ so artfully, ?I?m sure he?ll buy you another one, dear.?

That was the last straw ? the cage was open. Maria slammed the fridge door shut and ignored the clinking sounds the magnets made as they were dislodged at impact and thrown to the floor. ?I don?t want another sandwich! I wanted that one.?

Her sister looked up then, her mouth pulled down in annoyance. ?Maria. It?s just a sandwich.?

?It?s not just a sandwich. It?s my sandwich, my personal, private sandwich,? she protested, not entirely sure if she was really thinking about the sandwich at all anymore. She laid her hand flat against her chest, patting for emphasis, her eyes bright with feeling. ?It?s mine. Only mine.?

Seeming slightly disturbed by this unexpected outburst, her mother put the envelope she was holding down and sat back in the old kitchen chair, her attention focused completely on Maria. ?Honey, is something wrong??

Maria ran a hand through her hair, fingers stretched wide as if looking for something to hold onto. ?No. Yes. Why can?t anybody in this stupid house just leave what?s mine alone? For once, can?t I just have some privacy??

Something seemed to click behind her mother?s eyes. ?This isn?t about the sandwich,? she said.

She hesitated. ?No,? Maria agreed, and then went to retrieve her school bag from behind the kitchen counter. She?d left it there when she first came in, careful to keep it out of sight as well. It held something inside it that was more important than the sandwich; something that was, in its entirety, Maria?s. ?I got a letter from Columbia,? she said carefully, pulling the thick, white envelope out as she spoke. ?They?ve accepted me.?

?Columbia?? Her mother repeated. ?But I thought ?? She stopped as her daughter handed her the small package and slowly began to go through the contents. After what seemed like an intolerably long moment of silence, she finally murmured, ?I see.? [/size]

[Raiyuu]

[color=DarkGreen][size=1]I couldn't help being reminded of the Tenacious D song 'Karate Schnitzel' when I read this. Sorry... :nervous:

I like it. You've done a good job of building some believable characters in a short space, where the temptation is usually to stereotype. It could just be because I think there's a bit of Maria's mother in everyone's mum, it means it's easy to relate to.

I was left the tiniest bit confused by the end; I don't understand why getting into Columbia would put her so on edge, I'd have thought she'd be jubilant. Is that just me? Maybe it's just because this isn't how I would imagine myself reacting in the situation, so I can't imagine anyone else reacting this way either.

[/size][/color][size=1] [quote name='Arcadia'] ?It?s not just a sandwich. It?s my sandwich, my personal, private sandwich,? she protested, not entirely sure if she was really thinking about the sandwich at all anymore. She laid her hand flat against her chest, patting for emphasis, her eyes bright with feeling. ?It?s mine. Only mine.?[/quote]
[color=DarkGreen]My favourite bit. I've been there too - when you suddenly realise that what you're saying sounds really petty and stupid, but you've started and you just can't stop...[/color]
[/size]

[future girl]

[quote name='Blackjack][color=DarkGreen][size=1]I was left the tiniest bit confused by the end; I don't understand why getting into Columbia would put her so on edge, I'd have thought she'd be jubilant. Is that just me? Maybe it's just because this isn't how I would imagine myself reacting in the situation, so I can't imagine anyone else reacting this way either.[/color'][/size][/quote]

[size=1]When I, Sarah, told my mother I was going to Columbia it was the betrayal of betrayals. Moving away from home before I'm married is just something that's always been out of the question. When I went ahead and did it anyway my entire family took the negative stance on it. I ended up not going for lack of support and a plethora of other reasons that I regret now... So yea, that's why a mother wouldn't be thrilled about this.

::clears throat:: Anyway, it was great Megan. Even if you didn't mean to copy down my life story everything is extremely relatable, from the stolen sandwich to lack of privacy to the control freak of a mother. All it needed was a crappy love life and bam, it's me! Hopefully Maria can not be deferred and she gets to go ::nods:: [/size]

[Shinmaru]

First of all, you used the name Maria, and that always scores big points with me. What can I say, I love the name.

Anyway, I liked the story. Most of us have been here, where frustration just builds and builds and builds, and just the tiniest little thing happens, and boom! All of the frustration that's been welling up inside of you for god knows how long just rushes out. I can especially relate to this, because that's how I deal with anger. I just let it well up inside of me a lot of the time lol. I don't suppose that's very healthy at all, but oh well.

And I also think that most people have had this sort of experience with their parents, where it feels like they're paying attention to everything except you, like they're just faintly aware of your existence.

You did a good job of building to something, too, especially in the short amount of space that you've chosen to write this part of the story in. (This is continuing, right?) The mom is finally forced to recognize that her daughter could very well be leaving, and the reality of the situation's smacked her across the face - she's clearly flustered by it.

So, yeah, good story. :)

[Mimmsicle]

[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1][COLOR=Sienna]Mmm, regardless of my lack of latino blood (or why not Italian? ;o) in me, I can still feel it stirring while reading this *gestures wildly*

By clearly defining the people in your stories you implement subtle details very well. Like the ending:
[QUOTE][SIZE=1]After what seemed like an intolerably long moment of silence, she finally murmured, ?I see.[/SIZE]?[/QUOTE]
You don't say in which way this is said (apart from it being murmured) but we still detect it, because you've made sure to include the mothers characteristics earlier in the story.

And it's so pleasing to read a story filled with detail but still doesn't come off as bogging you down with it. You really do capture situations as they are happening, so it feels like we're experiencing them the way they happen... instead of reading how they happen (ie "person does this and that, reacts that way"). Even if the setting might be unfamiliar, the way you write [I]makes [/I]them familiar =)

[QUOTE][SIZE=1]That was the last straw ? the cage was open.[/SIZE][/QUOTE]
[B]So. Spot. On.[/B] *grins*[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[Arcadia]

[size=1]All right, I've worked a little more on this. There's new stuff before and after the scene you guys already read, so I humbly suggest reading through it all. Again, don't be afraid to rip it apart - I'm an English major, I'm kind of used to that. ^_~

Also, if you have any suggestions for the title, I would love to hear them.

[center][b]Workshop Story, Second Version[/b][/center]

For as long as she could remember, Maria was never Maria. Instead, she was always "somebody else?s something": Alina?s little sister or Fernando?s youngest daughter. She was younger than Alina and their older brother Alex by a couple years, and yet older than the twins Alvar and Anthony by another couple. And, she was about to graduate. At one point, she wasn?t quite sure under which name it would be exactly.

All of that changed that morning when her counselor called her up to the office. ?You?ve got some mail,? she had said, and Maria understood immediately. It would be about college. She desperately wanted to go, but her parents seemed to decide on their own that she would stay home for a year so that she could save some money and grow up a little more. Maria wanted to use the year to grow up in Chicago, and she was determined to take out a million student loans in order to make that happen. Because of their disagreement on the matter, however, Maria thought it wise to get her letters through the school rather than at home.

When she?d appeared in the office, nervously tugging on the ends of her jacket, her counselor merely smiled and handed over the thick white envelope. The rest of the day seemed to pass in a glorious speeding haze. The smile she wore was irrepressible. She?d barely managed to register the bell when it rung, sounding the end of the class day. Grabbing her things, she?d hurried down to the photo lab to share the good news with her instructor Ms. Hennessy, who?d encouraged her to apply in the first place, and then left to meet up with her friends for the drive home. It wasn?t until she was sitting in the backseat of Michael?s civic, gazing dreamily out the window when another thought registered.

Sitting up abruptly, she remarked, ?Oh my God, I have to tell my parents.?

Michael glanced at her in the rearview mirror, an eyebrow raised. ?Tell them about what??

It was unlike her to keep anything from him, seeing as they?d been friends since the fourth grade. Lately, though, things had started to take a different turn, and as close as they were, Maria wasn?t sure how well that news would go over with him. As far as she knew he had plans to stay home and go to school here.

Barbara, on the other hand, knew a great deal about everyone and took great joy in turning to look Maria full in the eye. ?You haven?t told him??

Maria scowled at her. As nosey as she was, Barbara was her best friend and had been the first person she?d told. She was also already set to move out to California in order to attend her first choice university. Maria admired that in her, and she admired her strength. Barbara would have been able to stand up to her family, she was sure.

?You haven?t told me what?? Michael repeated, scratching his dark hair absently.

?I got a letter from Columbia today,? Maria said. ?They accepted me.?

He stared at her, studying every aspect of her face as a painter would. ?Chicago Columbia??

?Yes,? she agreed.

Barbara seemed to hesitate a second before reaching for the radio. ?Can?t they play anything other than crap?? She asked, shaking her head. ?I swear, a blind monkey could pick better songs than this guy.?

?Would probably look better too,? Michael quipped then, and the tension in the car eased considerably. Not another word was said about college or Columbia until they pulled into Maria?s driveway. As always, he got out with her and helped her get her book bag from the trunk. As he held open the lid, he sighed and gave her a sidelong glance. ?Columbia??

?I know,? she murmured, and shrugged her bag on her shoulder. She just didn?t know what else to say. He shut the trunk and patted the top of it anxiously a couple times before asking her, ?What are you doing later??

Maria shrugged again. ?Homework. Hiding from my sister?s wedding stuff. Why??

?I want to talk about this,? he said, and then added casually, ?And other things.?

?All right.? That kind of talk sounded so much more agreeable to her than the one that she needed to have with her family. She smiled at him and stepped into his hug. Every new one seemed a little better than the last one, and this was no exception. ?Congratulations,? he whispered, and then kissed her cheek before letting her go.

Barbara gave Maria a wave as she headed in and shouted at the top of her lungs, ?Good luck, you wretched girl,? as they pulled out of the driveway. Maria returned the wave before sighing and turning to go in.

The house was, as always, a chaotic mess. The twins? left their sports equipment lying every which way, including the cups, which were dented from their experiments on how much the plastic, white, protective device could handle. There were random shoes kicked under tables, books tossed on top, and jackets thrown over chairs. Alina?s wedding preparations were not a positive addition. Maria was beginning to feel claustrophobic in her own home. There wasn?t a day that went by when she didn?t regret the fact that she had to walk through that door and into this confusion. Columbia would be her ticket out. She was depending on it.

She wandered into the kitchen, throwing her bag under the counter. It contained her precious letter and as proud as she was at being accepted, she needed to be able to work up a game plan before confronting her parents.

Her mother and Alina were working at the kitchen table on Alina?s wedding invitations. Maria was glad that her sister was happy, but she didn?t like the fact that her wedding was taking over the entire house. She muttered a quick hello to them before heading to the fridge, content to eat the sandwich she?d saved for an afternoon snack.

?How was class, dear?? Her mother asked, carefully addressing an envelope.

?Ah, it was?? Whatever contrite expression she had begun to say fell from her lips as she began to realize that her sandwich was nowhere to be found. There is only so much that a person can take, and now, Maria was officially at breaking point. Standing there in the kitchen, her hand white with tension where she gripped the refrigerator door, she stared hard at the spot where her leftover Cuban ham sandwich should have been. She?d saved that sandwich, wrapped it carefully and lovingly within its little plastic to-go box, and had purposely hid it behind the numerous cans of soda so that it could be out of site and safe from hungry, grubby fingers.

Apparently, though, it had not been safe enough. In a tight voice, she asked, ?Who took my sandwich??

Her mother looked up from the wedding invitations. Though the idea to make the invitations themselves had originally been Alina?s, their mother had the tendency to quietly but efficiently slip in and gain control of any given situation. It was impossible to call her on it, though ? she always had such an unobtrusive look about her and could easily knock out any such allegations with a polite blink of her round doe eyes. She?d done the same with most of the wedding, in fact. And despite the fact that they could have easily paid any number of people to do the invitations for them, their mother had insisted that they make the cards themselves.

It was, in all truthfulness, par for course for their artistically inclined control freak of a mother but that didn?t stop Maria from eyeing the piles of tinted sheer paper and colorful, handwritten messages with something bordering exasperation.

Pausing in her diligent efforts to stuff the envelopes, her mother blinked at her and inquired in a hesitant sort of way, ?Maria??

It nearly sounded as though with that one word, her mother wasn?t just asking after her; it was as if she was questioning her daughter?s entire existence. And while a part of her knew that her mother just hadn?t heard her, Maria realized then that that was the real problem, finally bubbling to the surface: no one in the family seemed to hear her anymore. She could feel all her pent up frustration and rage roaring inside her like a caged animal, fighting to be let loose. ?My sandwich,? she managed to repeat, sounding a little more desperate then she would have liked, ?The one I brought home from Panera? It?s gone.?

Her sister, without looking up from her wedding invitations, said plainly, ?Dad probably ate it, like always.?

As Maria?s face dropped, her mother added in the sweet but nagging tone that only a mother can employ so artfully, ?I?m sure he?ll buy you another one, dear.?

That was the last straw ? the cage broke open. Maria slammed the fridge door shut and ignored the clinking sounds the magnets made as they were dislodged at impact and thrown to the floor. ?I don?t want another sandwich! I wanted that one.?

Her sister looked up then, her mouth pulled down in annoyance. ?Maria. It?s just a sandwich.?

?It?s not just a sandwich. It?s my sandwich, my personal, private sandwich,? she protested, not entirely sure if she was really thinking about the sandwich at all anymore. She laid her hand flat against her chest, patting for emphasis, her eyes bright with feeling. ?It?s mine. Only mine.?

Seeming slightly disturbed by this unexpected outburst, her mother put the envelope she was holding down and sat back in the old kitchen chair, her attention focused completely on Maria. ?Honey, is something wrong??

Maria ran a hand through her hair, fingers stretched wide as if looking for something to hold onto. ?No. Yes. Why can?t anybody in this stupid house just leave what?s mine alone? For once, can?t I just have some privacy??

Something seemed to click behind her mother?s eyes. ?This isn?t about the sandwich,? she said.

She hesitated. ?No,? Maria agreed, and then went to retrieve her school bag from behind the kitchen counter. She?d left it there when she first came in, careful to keep it out of sight as well. It held something inside it that was more important than the sandwich; something that was, in its entirety, Maria?s. ?I got a letter from Columbia,? she said carefully, pulling the thick, white envelope out as she spoke. ?They?ve accepted me.?

?Columbia?? Her mother repeated. ?But I thought ?? She stopped as her daughter handed her the small package and slowly began to thumb through the contents. After what seemed like an intolerably long moment of silence, she finally murmured, ?I see.?

In what appeared to Maria to be the worst possible timing, her father came home. They heard the front door shut and seconds later, he appeared in the kitchen doorway, loosening his tie. There was another awkward pause as he took in their serious expressions before he asked in his native Spanish, ?What?s going on here??

Her mother simply handed him the envelope with all of its papers. He took one look at it, his brow creasing unfavorably, and then glanced up at Maria. ?What?s this??

She swallowed. ?It?s from Columbia College in Chicago. I applied to go to school there and I got in.?

He set his briefcase down, very slowly and deliberately, so that Maria knew this conversation had only just begun. ?But you?re staying home. We?ve already discussed this, Maria.?

She frowned. ?I didn?t decide that, you did.?

?Isn?t that the same thing??

?No,? Maria cried in frustration, ?No it?s not. I thought this was my future to decide. I thought this was my life. Why are you trying to take that away from me??

Her mother cut in, her voice placating. ?No one is trying to take anything from you, dear.?

?Except for my sandwich,? Maria said tersely. She was tightly wound in her defense, like a coiled snake ready to strike.

?Maria,? her father broke in, a sharp warning in his voice. ?Stop being dramatic. The decision is that you will take this year off and get a job in order to save up for school. We do not have the money for you to screw around half way across the country.?

?And yet Alina gets this big, frilly wedding?? Maria gestured towards the invitations spread out on the table. ?Suddenly there?s enough money for that??

Alina looked as though she had something pleasant to say to her sister for including her in the discussion, but her mother was quick to defend her handmade invitations and everything that they stood for. ?Maria, that?s not the same thing.?

?Isn?t it? Why is she allowed to leave but I?m not?? There was no immediate answer. Maria took a breath and jumped forward again, standing up as tall as she could in that daunting kitchen. ?I?m eighteen, I?m ready. I?m [i]more[/i] than ready! I don?t want to skip a year and then get trapped into staying here forever. I don?t want Alina?s life. I don?t want to be known as Alina?s sister or Fernando?s daughter. I want to be able to be on my own, to figure things out for myself, and I?ll never be able to do that here. I want to go to Chicago and study art and photography. I want to see what I?m [i]capable[/i] of.?

Alina stood abruptly, her dark hair swinging forward as she leaned across the table and eyed her sister coldly. ?Nobody asked you if you [i]wanted[/i] to be my sister, [i]hermanita[/i], you just are. Live with it.? She grabbed her keys after that and walked out of the kitchen, looking as cold and beautiful as a diamond.

Maria was thrown off her guard, still looking back to the doorway Alina had just walked through. Fernando took the moment to make his will iron again and said in that same deliberate voice, ?We?ll talk about this later.? He dropped the envelope on the edge of the table in a way that seemed to speak about the finality of the matter. Unbalanced, it turned over and spilled its contents onto the floor. Maria felt the room close in on her. She waited for someone else to pick up the papers but when no one did, she dropped to her knees and shuffled them back into some semblance of order, trying desperately not to cry.
[/size]

[Mitch]

[quote]The house was, as always, a chaotic mess. [b]The twins? [/b]left their sports equipment lying every which way, including the cups, which were dented from their experiments on how much the plastic, white, protective device could handle. There were random shoes kicked under tables, books tossed on top, and jackets thrown over chairs. Alina?s wedding preparations were not a positive addition. Maria was beginning to feel claustrophobic in her own home. There wasn?t a day that went by when she didn?t regret the fact that she had to walk through that door and into this confusion. Columbia would be her ticket out. She was depending on it.[/quote]

Rip it apart? It's pretty solid, so there's nothing I have to suggest to make it better. There is, however, this small error: the twins in this sentence shouldn't have the apostrophe, they aren't possessing anything. This is the only grammatical error I found throughout the entire piece.

Other than that, I'm quite impressed. You are a very solid writer, and I enjoyed this story a lot. I have basically no suggestions. . .it's all done really well. The dialogue is well done, and it flows well, and draws you in very well.

I will say, though, that the first version seemed underdeveloped, so I'm glad you made the second version encompass more of Maria's day as it unfolded, instead of just focusing on the exchange with her mother. It made it have a lot more power, and it made the reader understand why Columbia would make Maria unhappy.

[Mimmsicle]

First off I'd like to say that I [B]love [/B]the addition after the original part. It really ties it together beautifully and you keep the tone throughout. Nothing is really said but at the same time everything is, by the way the people interract/react. Perfect =)

And while the beginning is good ... somehow it doesn't work in my head when I read it together with the rest. Though that might be because the first draft was so powerful, making any attempt to an introduction [to that particular scene] similar to the Star Wars "prequels" >>;;;

*runs away from the angry mob* :animeswea

[Raiyuu]

[color=DarkGreen][size=1]I'm siding with Mitch here on this being extremely good, although he's right about that apostrophe. I can't see anything wrong with it structurally or in terms of your register, tone or style, but I am going to have to be a little bit pedantic on a couple of points...

First, minor spelling error.
[quote name='Arcadia][/size][/color][size=1]and had purposely hid it behind the numerous cans of soda so that it could be out of [b]site [/b]and safe from hungry, grubby fingers.[/size][color=DarkGreen'][size=1][/quote] Should read "out of [b]sight[/b]".

Second, I felt that the addition of this paragraph:
[quote name='Arcadia][/size][/color][size=1] She wandered into the kitchen, throwing her bag under the counter. It contained her precious letter and as proud as she was at being accepted, she needed to be able to work up a game plan before confronting her parents.[/size][color=DarkGreen'][size=1][/quote] made parts of this one:
[quote name='Arcadia][/size][/color][size=1] She hesitated. ?No,? Maria agreed, and then went to retrieve her school bag from behind the kitchen counter. She?d left it there when she first came in, careful to keep it out of sight as well. It held something inside it that was more important than the sandwich; something that was, in its entirety, Maria?s. ?I got a letter from Columbia,? she said carefully, pulling the thick, white envelope out as she spoke. ?They?ve accepted me.?[/size][color=DarkGreen'][size=1][/quote] superfluous. That's just a little editing quibble, though.

What I loved:
[QUOTE=Arcadia][/size][/color][size=1] She frowned. ?I didn?t decide that, you did.?

?Isn?t that the same thing??[/size][color=DarkGreen][size=1][/QUOTE] Arrrrrrrrgh!!! That is one of the most frustrating parent-isms ever devised by mankind, and you've captured it perfectly. I can just see the innocent little frown on his face. It actually made me grind my teeth in frustration.
[/size][/color]

[future girl]

[size=1]Wow, I'm crying lol. It just hits too close to home. I can imagine this entire story in my house with my mom and my sister and my scary scary father. Even if it was unintentional, I relate to this so much Megan. It's an amazing and solid story and I could find nothing wrong with it. You've got great talent, it's wonderful.[/size]

[Brasil]

Megan, ask and ye shall receive. I'm hotlinking the images. Green is good, Red is iffy.

[center][url="http://img203.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img203&image=obarcadiafictionpage18if.jpg"][img]http://img203.exs.cx/img203/2281/obarcadiafictionpage18if.th.jpg[/img][/url][/center]

[center][url="http://img203.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img203&image=obarcadiafictionpage25mj.jpg"][img]http://img203.exs.cx/img203/557/obarcadiafictionpage25mj.th.jpg[/img][/url][/center]

[center][url="http://img203.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img203&image=obarcadiafictionpage32eh.jpg"][img]http://img203.exs.cx/img203/6228/obarcadiafictionpage32eh.th.jpg[/img][/url][/center]

[center][url="http://img203.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img203&image=obarcadiafictionpage49zl.jpg"][img]http://img203.exs.cx/img203/1364/obarcadiafictionpage49zl.th.jpg[/img][/url][/center]

[center][url="http://img203.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img203&image=obarcadiafictionpage57nq.jpg"][img]http://img203.exs.cx/img203/4475/obarcadiafictionpage57nq.th.jpg[/img][/url][/center]

Overall, I really enjoyed the piece. I felt it was constructed well, had a nice flow, and its focus was more or less solid. There are some really nice bits on the last two "pages," especially. The dialogue is particularly good.

However, I've marked a few spots where I feel there should be some revisions. The narrator of the piece is third-person limited, and there are a few points throughout the story where we seem to be drifting into other characters' heads.

It's clear to me in the piece that we're in Maria's mind, looking at things through her POV (even based on smaller, more subtle details like seeing Mike's eyes in the rearview mirror), so when we have Maria looking in the fridge (like I explained in the chat room) and we're told that her mother just finished another envelope, we wonder how we would know that, because Maria's head is pretty much in the fridge, and she's not looking at her mother.

That's one instance where we briefly jump out of the third-person limited and into a more third-person omniscient narrator, and there are a few other times, as well. I believe I marked them.

There were points in the story that really would benefit from some tightening. Again, I've marked those in red. Some of it is just redundancy, other parts are just too verbose and the impact gets lost in extended (almost run-on) sentences.

So, yeah. Any questions, feel free to ask.

EDIT: To read the text on the links, click them again when you're at the Imageshack page.

[Arcadia]

[size=1]Thanks a lot, guys. This is awesome, I really appreciate all the positive feedback. It's kind of hard for me to change my writing if I don't know that something is wrong, and trying to get my friends at school to actually read it and critique it intelligently is ridiculously hard - let's just say they aren't writers and leave it at that.

The workshop is Monday and I'll update you all with the extra stuff I learned then. I figure this kind of information helps everyone, not just me. Learn from example, and such.

On that note, though, I know the beginning of this is weak right now. It's rushed and I feel like it's blatant exposition and I don't think I like that a whole lot. Oh well, it's still a rough draft. With all of your suggestions and from what I learn in class Monday, I'm sure I'll be able to shape into what I want it to be. ^_~

P.S. Alex, you weren't kidding about the Nazi thing. lol[/size]

[Arcadia]

[size=1]Yes, I realize that I had the last post, but because nobody has replied since then and I seriously doubt that anybody would anytime soon, I'm going to add the most updated version of this story. I turned it in as a final draft for my fiction technique class, but it's still nowhere near done.

[center][b]Picture Perfect?[/b]
(Working Title)[/center]

The envelope was thick and heavy in her hands. The moment was strangely surreal, despite the fact that she dreamed about it almost every night since she first sent off the application. It seemed as though whole years had gone by as she had waited for news about college, but now that it was finally here, Maria began to wonder how time had so quickly come to this point. She stared at the crisp, clean Columbia logo in disbelief.

?Are you going to open it?? Ms. Hennessy asked, leaning forward anxiously. She sat behind her giant wooden desk with her elbows propped on the smooth surface. Her fingers were linked together under her chin and her blue eyes seemed to crinkle with laughter. Ms. Hennessy had been Maria?s favorite adult at her high school for as long as she could remember. She was younger than most of the other teachers, and a little crazy. More important than that was that Ms. Hennessy hadn?t forgotten what it was like to be young and ambitious, ready to chase a dream regardless of where it might take her. She had been the one who prompted Maria about going away to school and had encouraged her to take a chance. At that moment, though, Maria did not quite appreciate the teasing note to Ms. Hennessy?s voice the way she usually would have. With the arrival of the small package, the rest of Maria?s life suddenly seemed to be at her doorstep.

?No. Yes.? Maria?s voice was small and hoarse, as if speaking was a foreign action. Her gaze rose from the cream-colored envelope to meet her counselor?s amused eyes as she set the envelope in her lap sluggishly. A few minutes of silence continued through the look until Ms. Hennessy added, ?The size and thickness of the package is a good determining factor, you know.?

Maria narrowed her eyes, tilting her head away slightly in such a way that she appeared to be questioning the woman?s sanity. ?That?s nice. I can?t open it.?

Ms. Hennessy sighed, as if recognizing the beginning of an argument that they had many times before. ?You?ve earned this, Maria. It?s your future. Don?t be afraid to take hold and run with it.?

?I know, I know.? Maria pushed her dark hair away from her face and crossed her ankles anxiously under her chair. ?I just? I haven?t told my parents.?

?Ah.? Ms. Hennessy sat back in her chair, clicking away at her pen methodically. She was not the kind of woman to sit still for very long and was known throughout the school for her pseudo-ADHD. ?Well, now would be the time for it, don?t you think??

?Yeah,? Maria said, but if the small frown tugging at her mouth was any indication then she wasn?t altogether convinced that was so. She avoided any more comments about her parents by picking the large envelope back up. ?Well, here we go,? she said, and ripped it open.

The following seconds, when Maria reflected back on them, were somewhat muddled. She read the first few words and stood, her voice excitedly making its way to a crescendo as it became apparent that she had been accepted. Ms. Hennessy unceremoniously jumped out of her chair with garbled sounds of glee pouring from her mouth, closely followed by a much louder expletive as she banged her knee against the desk. At that, the office door swung open and one Barbara Owens paraded in, adding to the chaos. Maria only had time to blink at her friend before she was viciously hugged. Michael came in not a second later, grinning broadly at the sight that greeted him. It was one big, happy, twisted family and despite the chaos Maria couldn?t think of any other people she?d rather have with her then.

After the whirl of arrivals and group hugs and the loud, cheerful sounds Ms. Hennessy asked their two visitors how they ended up in her office. Her expression was wry; she knew Barbara well enough and could accurately assume, like the rest of them, that she was the mastermind behind the invasion. Barbara was ready for the inquiry. ?Maria wasn?t at the usual rendezvous point after class ended,? Barbara began, in the most scientific voice she could muster. It included, apparently, a very bad German accent. ?So I checked a few worthy sources and through my intel gathered that Maria was called up here. Immediately, I knew. On the way there I ran into Mr. Garcia here and dragged him with me.?

?I see.? Ms. Hennessy began to guide them towards the door she suggested, ?Why don?t you kids go celebrate? I think this deserves some kind of crazy, sugar-filled festivities.?

?I like the way you think, Ms. H.? Barbara saluted the counselor before turning on her heel towards the door. ?Come, comrades. We have a great hunger to conquer.?

Michael rolled his eyes as the Mighty Conqueror marched through the doorway and gave a little wave to Ms. Hennessy as he followed her out. ?See you later, Ms. Hennessy.?

The older woman grinned and waved. ?You all be good now,? she said, and gave Maria a wink. Maria returned the smile and hugged her acceptance packet. ?Thanks,? she said, and meant it. If it weren?t for Ms. Hennessy, Maria might have never took the chance. Her parents hadn?t exactly encouraged her to look into schools out of state. She had no idea how she was going to break the news to them, but as Ms. Hennessy gave her one last warm hug, Maria felt like she could take on anything.

?Go get ?em, kid,? Ms. Hennessy encouraged, squeezing her shoulder.

Maria smiled. ?I will.?


The house was, as always, a chaotic mess when Maria returned. The twins? left their sports equipment lying every which way, including the cups. Those were dented from the boys? experiments on how much the plastic, white, protective device could handle. There were random shoes kicked under tables, books tossed on top, and jackets thrown over chairs. Alina?s wedding preparations were not a positive addition. Maria was beginning to feel claustrophobic in her own home. There wasn?t a day that went by when she didn?t bemoan the fact that she had to walk through that door and into this confusion. Columbia would be her ticket out. At least there she wouldn?t get lost in the whirlpool that was her family. It would only be her.

Her mother and Alina were working at the kitchen table on Alina?s wedding invitations. The ceremony was set for the fall season, but that didn?t stop their mother from diving head first into the arrangements. The problem was that she expected Maria to dive right in with her, and that was the last thing Maria wanted to do. It wasn?t that she wasn?t happy for her sister; Maria was as ecstatic about the engagement as everyone else had been. But she didn?t like the fact that the wedding was now taking precedence over everything else, including her graduation. And she wasn?t exactly fond of the little comments her mother would make when looking through bridal magazines. Things about how she couldn?t wait to see all of her daughters walk down the aisle into womanhood, how she longed for Maria to bring a boy home, and why didn?t she go on dates like other girls?

Not a week ago Michael had come over to help her study for her biology class. She enjoyed the subject on a general level but there were specific parts she hated. The cell, she had come to believe, had entirely too much going on inside. Her mother had seized the opportunity and in between trying to feed him every other minute, always true to her Hispanic heritage, she asked him questions about his classes, his family, and whether or not he had a girlfriend. When he?d shook his head, Maria?s mother had given her a pointed look before letting them go back to studying. Michael had been amused, to say the least.

As Maria took her leftover sandwich to the fridge she said a quick hello to Alina and her mother. She, Michael, and Barbara had decided to take their celebration to Panera. Maria always ordered the Cuban Pork and Ham and always saved half of it for lunch the next day. She was carefully hiding the sandwich behind a box of Coca Cola when her mother asked cheerfully, ?How was class, dear??

Maria glanced over her shoulder and threw her a quick smile. ?Great. The usual.? The packet from Columbia was now safely nestled in her book bag. Despite its inferior size when compared to her schoolbooks, Maria swore she could acutely feel its weight pulling down on her shoulder. A feeling of guilt began to sink in, flushing her cheeks warm. Maria did her best to ignore that.

?I made some empanadas earlier today if you?re hungry,? her mother said. ?They should be on the shelf somewhere if your brothers haven?t already eaten them all.?

?Oh, Barbara, Michael, and me went to Panera after school for a bite to eat. Maybe later, though.? Maria took a Coke out of the red box and closed the fridge door. She popped it open and leaned against the refrigerator, sipping slowly from the cold soda as she watched her mother address an envelope with flair. After a moment her mother looked up, smiling brightly, and asked, ?Want to help? It?s not so hard.?

Maria glanced at the mounds of colored paper and shook her head. ?I?ve kind of got a lot of homework tonight and I want to get started,? she said, patting her bag for emphasis. Alina looked up at her briefly, arching an eyebrow, but kept silent. She?d been increasingly short with Maria as of late. Generally they got along fairly well but the last week or so had not exactly been full of wonderful, convivial moments of sister bonding. Maria shrugged it off and headed to her room, stepping over baseball equipment to get there. It was true that she had homework, but more than that she wanted to look over the letters from Columbia and begin filling out the paperwork. She felt deceptive and sneaky but not so much that she?d fess up to her crimes. She needed time to think about how to approach her parents. She needed to research scholarship information and other financial aspects so they couldn?t guilt trip her about the money as they had done when she?d first brought up the idea of studying out of state. But most of all, she needed to build up the courage to make her stand, no matter what they threw at her. She was going to Columbia. She just hoped that she could make them understand her ambitions without being disowned entirely.


Sometime later in the evening, Maria was at her desk, resting her head on her arms. Her homework had been pushed away in favor of the Columbia information, but at the moment she was snoozing peacefully, dreaming wonderful dreams about Chicago and college and lovely, wistful ideals about her future. Even in those dreams, though, a remnant of real life held fast to her memory. Every time she began her impromptu ballet performances in her underwear, somewhere during the course of the performance she managed to trip over one of the twin?s baseball gloves or Alina?s darling Cinderella wedding slippers. How they got there, she had no idea, but inevitably she would pick them up and throw them at the wall. Somehow the objects never hit the wall but instead always hit her mother?s favorite antique vase. It was an heirloom and had been with her family for years. Almost every night, Maria smashed that little bit of family history to thousands of tiny pieces.

When she woke up, she found Alina standing over her, the acceptance letter from Columbia in her hands. Her sister wasted no time in getting to the point as she asked frankly, ?When were you planning on telling them??

Maria snatched the letter from her hands and began shuffling all of the papers together. ?I just found out,? she said, hiding the evidence of her betrayal under her school things. ?What are you doing in my room??

Alina crossed her arms, shrugging half-heartedly. ?Dinner is ready.?

The younger of the two sisters ran a hand through her dark hair, straightening it out as she stood. ?Great. Knock next time, will you??

Alina waved her hand dismissively and turned back towards the door. ?Fine, hermanita. Keep your secrets.? She walked out and shut the door a little harder than necessary, not waiting to see if her little sister would follow. Maria stared at the dark wood and sighed, rubbing her forehead lightly before starting towards the kitchen.


By the time Maria arrived home from school the next day she was in desperate need of a pick-me-up. It had been long and grueling, and her constant thoughts about Columbia and her parents and even Alina had been more than distracting to her. There had been a quiz that she should have gotten an easy A on in math, but her mind wasn?t in it and the mistakes were proof enough. There were few things that irritated her more. After school she worked hard on some prints for the yearbook in the photography lab but still ended up exposing too many sheets of their special photo paper to light. After the fourth time the advisor sighed and told her to just go home. Her heart wasn?t in it and that wouldn?t bode well for any of the pictures, even the ones she successfully managed to put to paper. When she walked through the front door of her house and into the cluttered havoc, it took more will power than she would of thought not to stomp around and start kicking things.

A similar scene from the day before greeted her in the kitchen. Her mother was once again at the kitchen table, stuffing envelopes and speaking animatedly to Alina, who stood at the stove. Maria muttered an uninspired hello and made her way to the fridge, entirely bent on devouring the last bit of her Panera sandwich. It would be one of the brighter parts of her day.

Alina glanced at her as she opened the fridge, one hand on her hip as the other stirred a particularly zesty smelling sauce. ?Don?t eat too much. Matt is coming over for dinner so I?m making enchiladas.?

Maria shrugged. She liked her sister?s fiancé well enough but at the moment she didn?t care about anything except her Cuban pork and ham. ?That?s great?? Whatever contrite expression she had begun to say fell from her lips as Maria paused, her fingers feeling out the empty space where her sandwich should have been. She?d purposely hid it behind the soda so that it could be out of site and safe from hungry, grubby fingers but it became readily apparent to her that she?d once again underestimated her family?s ability to ruin her life. In a tight voice, she asked, ?Who took my sandwich??

Her mother looked up from the wedding invitations and asked distractedly, ?What was that, mi querido??

?My sandwich,? Maria repeated, not bothering to hide her annoyance.

Alina continued to stir at the stove very calmly. ?Dad probably ate it today for lunch, like always.?

Her mother seemed to recognize the frustration in her younger daughter boiling to the surface and said in a very placating voice, ?I?m sure he didn?t know.?

Maria slammed the fridge door shut. The many magnets that decorated the fridge were dislodged at impact and thrown to the floor in soft, clinking rhythm. ?No, I am not going to take that. If it wasn?t his in the first place, why did he even touch it? Why can?t anybody in this house just respect what?s mine??

Her sister looked up then, her mouth pulled down in annoyance. ?Maria. It?s just a sandwich.?

?It?s not about the sandwich, all right? It?s about me.? This time Maria did kick something. One of the tiny magnets from the fridge skidded across the floor and struck the opposite wall. There were two kinds of silence after that: the surprised silence of her mother and the dimming recognition in her sister?s quiet gaze. Maria hesitated, and then made her decision. She moved to the table, set her bag down, and took out the packet from Columbia.

Her mother took the package carefully, as though it might bite, and began to thumb through the contents. After what seemed like an intolerably long moment of silence, she finally murmured, ?I see.?

With incredible timing, her father came home. They heard the front door shut and seconds later, he appeared in the kitchen doorway, loosening his tie. There was another awkward pause as he took in their serious expressions before he asked in his native Spanish, ?Que pasa??

Her mother simply handed him the envelope with all of its papers. He took one look at it, his brow creasing unfavorably, and then glanced up at Maria. ?What?s this??

She swallowed. The moment she?d been dreading most had finally arrived. ?It?s from Columbia College in Chicago. I applied to go to school there and I got in.?

He set his briefcase down, very slowly and deliberately, so that Maria knew this conversation had only just begun. ?But you?re staying home. We?ve already discussed this, Maria.?

She frowned. ?I didn?t decide that, you did.?

?Isn?t that the same thing??

?No,? Maria said, frustrated, ?It?s not at all. I am the only one who can make this decision, and I?m making it right now. I?m going.?

?Maria,? her father broke in, a sharp warning in his voice. ?Stop being dramatic. The decision is that you will take this year off and get a job in order to save up for school. We do not have the money for you to screw around half way across the country.?

?And yet Alina gets this big, frilly wedding?? Maria gestured towards the invitations spread out on the table. ?Suddenly there?s enough money for that??

Alina looked as though she had something incredibly pleasant to say to her sister for including her in the discussion, but her mother was quick to defend her handmade invitations and everything that they stood for. ?Maria, that?s not the same thing.?

?I don?t care! I am not Alina, Dad, and I am not going to let you guilt trip me into staying in this stupid house until there?s a ring on my finger.?

Alina crossed over from the stove and smacked Maria across the face. Then, without a word to anybody she grabbed her keys and walked out of the kitchen.

Maria was absolutely still. The only proof that she had even acknowledged the attack at all was the slow brimming of tears in her eyes. Fernando took the moment to make his will iron again and said in that same deliberate voice, ?We?ll talk about this later.? He dropped the envelope on the edge of the table in a way that seemed to speak about the finality of the matter. Unbalanced, it turned over and spilled its contents onto the floor. Maria hesitated and then slowly kneeled, shuffling them back into some semblance of order before grabbing her bag and disappearing into her room. She did not show up for dinner.


The knocking that came at Maria?s door much later was soft and hesitant. It told her that it was not the insistent rattle of her mother and was most definitely not the demanding pound of her father. She opened it slowly, peering out through the crack with puffy eyes at her sister. Alina frowned. ?I want to talk to you.?

Maria opened the door and stepped back wordlessly. Alina followed her in and closed it carefully behind her before crossing to the bed. They sat in silence for a minute before Alina began. ?I?m not going to apologize for hitting you because I think you deserved it, but I am sorry that you feel like staying home was not my choice.? She was playing with her ring, twisting the gold around her finger. ?It was. If I were as stubborn as you are maybe things wouldn?t be the same. But then I never would have met Matt and I can?t imagine the last two years without him not being there.?

?I?m sorry,? Maria said quietly. ?It has nothing to do with you at all.?

?I set a precedent, I understand that.? Alina shrugged. ?But that doesn?t mean you have to follow it.?

Maria glanced at her, a question in her eyes. She wanted to ask if that meant that Alina supported her in moving away, that she supported her dreams, but instead she just rubbed her cheek and smiled. Maybe she already had her answer. Alina returned the smile, and leaned back to take a good look at her before asking, ?Want to take my wedding pictures, Ms. Wannabe Photographer??

There was a slight pause before Maria sighed and hugged her sister. ?I would love to.?
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It's long, I know. Now that you've already read it, let me tell you the few things that are on my mind as of now. The ending, first of all, is most unsatisfying to me. I plan on working on that in the next couple of weeks, and I have some ideas but it'd be cool if you guys could give me your opinion.

Also, I can't stand the title. I can't seem to think of anything better than that, but blargh, is it awful.[/size]