Writing Coma [PG-L]

[Shy]

[size=1]This story more or less came out of nowhere. This story is about finding yourself, and not neccessarily liking what you find. This will be posted as I write it; no idea how long this may be, since I only thought of it last night.

As always, comment and critique, please[/size]
[quote][font=trebuchet ms][center][size=4][b]Part 1[/b][/size][/center]

Tim clutched onto his plasma rifle, waiting for his opponent to move around the corner. It was an obvious move, but given the inexperience of the enemy it could still be highly effective. Tim Rutherford was the last of his platoon. He knew that with even the slightest bit of miscalculation he could endanger himself, dooming mankind?s last hope for salvation. His palms began to sweat as the soldier waited inside the abandoned concrete bunker. Tim leaned against a pile of empty crates, taking a moment to rest and collect his thoughts. One way in, one way out. He was trapped, but still believed he would be the one to see the surface again.

[i]Patience would be the key to survival[/i], he thought, refocusing his attention on the approaching forces, [i]If I fail this mission, the last 72 hours will have been in vain. [/i]

Footsteps echoed through the building, rolling down the young man?s spine. The Harvesters had been nothing more than an annoyance compared to what was ahead of him, the latest in a string of powerful and merciless beings who had declared war on the Planet Earth. The footsteps drew closer, one after another in endless succession. In his last moment, he checked the equipment one final time: two ion grenades and a thermal shield; utterly useless against an organic being.

A pair of familiar tentacles presented themselves from behind the wall, drawing Tim?s fire. It had begun.

?Tim, I have important something to tell you.?

Betty Burgess, Tim?s live-in girlfriend, tapped her lover repeatedly on the shoulder as he continued to play his video game.

?Not now, B, I?m about to become a General??

Tim tapped onto his game controller passionately, managing to hold back the creature for a few more moments. Betty sighed, holding a large photo album in her arms.

?Don?t forget to change the load of laundry when you?re done. Your work shirt will wrinkle if you leave it in the wash for very long. Also, I?m leaving you.?

?Okay. Thanks.?

The creature pounced onto the Federation soldier, trapping it under its immense weight. Slowly it drew closer, revealing the powerful mandibles that had crushed the skulls of Rutherford?s entire platoon. Venomous saliva from them, and onto Tim?s reinforced Hyrdon armor. It would be enough to protect him from the poison for now, but contact with the skin could mean instant paralysis.

?You brought this onto yourself, you realize,? Betty continued, ?I didn?t mind taking care of you, but there?s a limit, you know??

?Yeah, yeah.? Tim dropped his plasma rifle, and began to attack the creature with his fists.

?I?ve changed, I?m a different person now. I spent my whole life trying to latch onto people so that they could give me some sort of direction??

?Oh, shit! You?re kidding me??

?What??

?This Hydron armor is starting to deteriorate from his venom. That's not even possible!?

?? Uh-huh. But working with the coma patients, I was able to truly find myself. They don?t have any expectations of me. They let me be free. I?m becoming my own person now, Tim, and with you I can?t grow. I don?t want that for me. You?re strangling me, I?m sorry.?

?Yeah, yeah, whatever??

Betty walked out of the apartment, clutching onto the photo even more tightly than before. Tim continued his battle for Earth?s survival, oblivious to what was going on around him. The sound of the front door opening and then slamming shut could be faintly heard over the surround sound speakers strategically placed throughout the living room. Not that it mattered. Unless it was made of polygons, Tim wasn?t going to give it much attention that morning.

Betty unlocked her white ?94 Chevrolet Cavalier, noticing the assorted food wrappers that covered up the interior. [i]Dammit, Tim[/i], she thought, tossing empty apple pie and chicken sandwich containers onto the driveway.

She got in the driver?s seat, and adjusted her mirrors. It had been a while since Betty drove the thing, but even though she never used it anymore it was still hers. This was her ticket out of the hellhole apartment complex that she had been living in for the past two years. As Betty started the ignition and drive out onto the road, loud rap music began to come out from the speakers. Annoyed, she quickly removed the CD and tossed it out of the window. She merged onto the main road, and out to the highway.

The car began to sputter and cough uncontrollably. A bright yellow ?REFUEL? light appeared on in the dashboard, accompanied by a beeping. Seeing no gas station in sight, Betty kept driving, hoping not to get stranded on the side of the highway. Suddenly the engine died, and her speed continued to plummet from 75 miles per hours down to 15 on the road.

She pulled over the car, and reached for her purse. The young woman groped through the bag to find her phone, only then realizing that Tim had broken it the morning before. Betty put on her parking break, and stared out onto the abandoned highway.

Elsewhere, Tim?s shirt began to wrinkle in the washing machine.[/font][/quote]
[size=1]-Shy[/size]

[Guest Sean]

[COLOR=DarkRed][SIZE=1]Hmmm, I thought the main story was based on Halo right at the beginning, but I love how you zoomed out into the real world with his girlfriend trying to get his attention. Your use of words was better than poetry, it flowed so well, and it really did turn out into quite a masterpiece.

I would love for this continue, what ahppens to Betty on the highway, and does Tim finish the game? Hopefully we'll find out next time on Coma. ~_^ Damn that sounded like the end of a TV Programme.

Oh well, well done, and I eagerley await the next part.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Annie]

[color=darkslategray]Wonderful, Shy. I was totally taken back. First from the whole idea of the video game. I really thought it was what the story was going to revolve around a young man saving the world and all.

I loved every. single. detail. Everything Betty represented. Everything Tim did. It seemed that Betty had been imprisoned (so to speak). Every time she turned around, he was there to destroy whatever she had [left].

It's beautiful, Shy.[/color]

[Arcadia]

[size=1]As soon as this started, I thought, "This reminds me of Halo." And then as it got a little deeper in, I was like, "It [i]IS[/i] Halo!!" And that cracked me up. The transition from the game into real life was most excellent, heh. What a great way to start the story. The way you kept dropping in and out of the game was fabulous and very funny, despite the fact that the poor schmuck is being walked out on.

In contrast, though, Betty's story isn't quite as funny, but I still like her, mostly because she realizes that she needs out and it takes a lot of guts to do that. (A "You go girl" type of phrase would be most appropriate here.) I really like the way you subtly show just how much Tim is controlling her life, too - he broke her phone, took over her car with his poor taste in music and messy wrappers everywhere, and apparently his video game is more important to him than his girlfriend, even though she's the one who gave him all this crap. The best part of all though is the last sentence:

[quote name='Shy']Elsewhere, Tim?s shirt began to wrinkle in the washing machine.[/quote]
Fantastic. Absolutely fantabuloso, my love. It just goes to show that some of the best stories are the ones that come out of nowhere.

I can't wait to read more of this. Again, awesome work, Shy. ^_~[/size]

[Baron Samedi]

[size=1]When you first flipped the story back into the 'real' world, I thought that it was an unsigned memory. That is, I assumed that you'd switched into a memory of the soldier, heh. Stunning writing displayed here. Your method in portraying Tim's utter inattention to anything outside of his own little world is admirable, because you have really caught the situation for so many people. Plus, your story is relevantly themed, with many relationship troubles occurring due to gaming, which I read in a newspaper article the day before last. I can't wait for more of this story.

Gaming [b]is[/b] like a self-induced coma, after all ~_^.[/size]

[Brasil]

1) Shy, fantastic stuff, just a few small edits here. The focus of the story is definitely on Betty, and I do agree that the opening's length somewhat detracts from that. I've gone through and trimmed down the set-up a bit; I think it works a bit better here:

[quote]Tim Rutherford was the last of his platoon. He knew that with even the slightest bit of miscalculation he would doom mankind?s last hope for salvation. His palms began to sweat as he waited inside the abandoned concrete bunker. Tim leaned against a pile of empty crates, taking a moment to rest and collect his thoughts. One way in, one way out. He was trapped.

Patience would be the key to survival, he thought, refocusing his attention on the approaching forces, If I fail this mission, the last 72 hours will have been in vain.

Footsteps thundered through the building, rumbling down the young man?s spine. The Harvesters had been nothing more than an annoyance compared to what was coming. The tremors drew closer, one after another in ominous succession. In Tim?s last few moments, he checked his equipment one final time: two ion grenades and a thermal shield; utterly useless against an organic being.

A pair of familiar tentacles presented themselves from behind the wall, drawing Tim?s fire. It had begun.

?Tim, I have important something to tell you.?[/quote]
2) A few other minor, minor edits are mainly dialogue tweaks. Tim's "yeah, yeah, whatever..." line seems more sinister than just inattentive, and even though the intent of the story is to portray Tim as a twit, I think it would work better with more innocent, like...

[quote]"Sure thing. Whatever you want, B."[/quote]
Because how many times have gamers said something like that? Hehe.

3) [quote]A pair of familiar tentacles presented themselves from behind the wall, drawing Tim?s fire. It had begun.

?Tim, I have important something to tell you.?[/quote]
The transition works incredibly well, because it sets the mood of the piece, without being cliche--in fact, since Betty is the "monster" (really, the monster of the piece in general), the crosscut/juxtaposition of Betty's conversation with Tim against Tim's fight with the Half-Life creature (Half-Life, people...not Halo, lol ;)) is brilliant.

[Shy]

[size=1]Thanks for the support, kids. I don't really know where this whole thing is going yet, but I'm having an awful lot of fun writing it.[/size]
[quote][font=trebuchet ms][center][size=4][b]Part 2[/b][/size][/center]

The Diamond Pass Highway had once been the lifeline of Southern Oregon. Decades earlier, before the construction of the 73 Freeway, it was the only way for motorists to get from Dalry, Midland and Bonanza on the East to Medford, Slsklyou and Portland on the West. Oregonians of the 1940?sand 50?s took pride in the Diamond Pass, buying into ideal of freedom and adventure that were promised by the Governor upon its completion.

Dozens of shops and restaurants were built along the pass by business-minded individuals, hoping to duplicate the success of Route 66. Many were able to make a living for themselves on their ability to construct macaroni sculptures and cheap pottery, but such was not always the case. The closer one found themselves to the center of the highway the less prosperous that city was destined to be. Without a strong, central attraction very few people found it worth the effort to travel the entire route. This, coupled with the fact that this 300 mile strip of asphalt did not contain a single gas station, forced the Diamond Pass Highway into neglect in a few short year?s time.

Nearly a half-century later, the few who still lived along the road were an eclectic sort. Some were forced into a life of selling cheap souvenirs to impulsive buyers at an early age, others saw this small pocket of Oregon as a chance to escape urban decay. No matter what their story was, the important thing was that they were there, and due to a lack of fuel in her ?94 Cavalier, Betty Burgess was now one of them.

A lone, dirty police cruiser appeared on the road, pulling up next to Betty?s car. Its tinted windows rolled down slowly, revealing an older gentleman wearing a pair metallic sunglasses, each lens covered in smudge marks. He was balding, with the remains of his hair being white and gray. Betty rolled down her window.

?You okay, Missy?? the officer chewed some unseen gum, or perhaps, tobacco.

?It?s my car. It ran out of gas.?

?And why?s that??

?My boyfriend forgot to refill the tank.?

He adjusted his long, untrimmed mustache with his index finger, and smiled at Betty.

?That?s just like you girls,? he nodded his head, ?Always blaming your troubles on your man.?

Betty feigned a smile.

?To be fair, Mister, I haven?t driven this car in weeks. I couldn?t help not knowing how much has was in the tank.?

He tilted his sunglasses for a moment, a pair of tired brown eyes beneath them.

?Well this is your car, isn?t it? It?s your job to take of the old girl.?

He stared at his radio for a moment, and then looked back at the young woman.

?Hold on just one second, Miss.?

The old man leaned in towards the passenger seat, rolling up the window manually. He turned back to the radio, picked up his microphone and began to speak into it. Betty waited quietly, trying not to stare at the police officer who had come to her aid. She wondered if Tim had saved humanity yet, or if he had even eaten breakfast yet that day. Breakfast is the wrong word though, she figured, when you wake up at noon ?breakfast? is a misnomer.

The officer leaned back into the passenger seat once more, rolling down the window he had sealed shut only moments ago. He motioned towards some unseen repair shop behind them.

?I talked to Lou and he?s gonna call up a tow truck for you. But it looks like the driver is mighty busy this afternoon. You picked a fine day to run out of gas, sweetheart. It?s gonna be a few hours, at the least. Is there somewhere I can take you while you wait??

?Next town over,? Betty replied, ?One after that, maybe. I?m in no hurry to come back to this car, Officer, I?m just trying to get away.?

?In that case, just bring what you need,? He unlocked his door, and smiled, ?Let?s go for a ride.?

Betty grabbed her purse and photo album, locked up her car, and hopped into the police cruiser. They drove off quickly towards the horizons, opposite from where Betty had left from. Finally getting on her way, she let out a sigh of relief.

?My name?s Betty, by the way.? she reached out to shake the stranger?s hand.

The man shook back, keeping the other hand loosely on the steering wheel.

?Why it?s nice meeting you, Betty. I patrol these parts Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday afternoons, the same way I?ve been doing it for near 20 years. The nice folks in this area know me pretty well, call me ?Pops,?? Betty could see a heavily smudged reflection of herself in his mirrored glasses, ?And you know what everyone else calls me??

?No? I guess I don?t??

??They call me ?Sheriff,? seeing as that?s what I am around these parts,? he motioned towards his badge.

?I?ve never met a real Sheriff before.?

?Well now you have. So you have a choice, Betty. You gonna call me ?Pops,?? he turned his attention back onto the road, ?Or are you gonna call me ?Sheriff???

??Pops? is fine.?

Pops spit out his tobacco onto the road. It splattered into a rorschach shape behind them as they drove.

?Good. Then I ?spect we?ll be getting along real well.?[/font][/quote]
[size=1]-Shy[/size]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Shy, I think I love you. [/size][/font]
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[font=Verdana][size=1]The fun you're having writing this is definately coming across to the reader, because it's fun just to read it. I love the way the characters are somewhat stereotypical, but not outlandishly obvious.[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]The story you have here just comes across as the kind of thing I love to write. It just rolls off your tongue and is so easy, it's like cutting butter with a chef's knife. Pops is a fantastic character, and the quirkiness of the Diamond Pass Highway, with its lack of gas stations, is just lovely. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1] [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]The only awkward thing in the entire piece, in my opinion, is this line:[/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][QUOTE] Breakfast is the wrong word though, she figured, when you wake up at noon ?breakfast? is a misnomer. [/QUOTE] [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]It just doesn't seem to run smoothly. However, under no circumstances will I allow you to cut it out; just change it a little. I think even just swapping the second comma for a semi-colon might do the trick. [/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1][/size][/font]
[font=Verdana][size=1]I know I'm coming very close to gushing, but I do love this story. It is just so easy, and relaxed and informal. Really great, Shy. ^_^[/size][/font]

[Mitch]

[quote][b]As Betty started the ignition and drive out onto the road[/b], loud rap music began to come out from the speakers. Annoyed, she quickly removed the CD and tossed it out of the window. She merged onto the main road, and out to the highway.[/quote]

I only read the first part, I'll read the rest later. Siren said everything I would have said, and this is the only error I found he missed.

[Annie]

[color=darkslategray]I love it, Shy. And I'm going to agree with Lady A. This has been one of the only stories here I can actually begin reading without feeling obligated to. From the very first sentence to the last, I just enjoy reading. The character's are wonderful, the situation is just natural and realistic. I'm seeing the officer from Kill Bill v1 for the Pops character.

I can actually see it (while I'm reading) as a movie playing in my mind. Very smooth running. [/color]