Writing OtakuBoards: Spam Wars [PG]

[Jokopoko]

[SIZE=2][B][I][U][CENTER]OtakuBoards: Spam Wars[/B]
Episode XXIV: How to cope...with 1mp3ri@l n00bs[/U][/I][/SIZE]

[SIZE=1]?It is a time of civil unrest in Teh G@l@ct1c 3mp1re. The R.E.B.E.L. Alliance has stuck many targets within Teh 3mp1re and one of their recent attacks allowed them access to plans for Teh 3mp1res spammiest weapon yet, the dreaded DEATH SPAMMER!

Custodian to the stolen plans the vaguely nerdy Princess Vicky Organic is travelling to her home planet of Balderdash with plans to turn the plans of the planned DEATH SPAMMER against Teh G@l@ct1c 3mp1re which is exactly as the R.E.B.E.L. Alliance has planned, so everything is going according to plan.

Except that the dreaded Darth Otaku has got wind of all this and is following the electronic bread crumbs that lead all the way to Vicky Organic, which will spell doom for the Princess. Unbeknownst to the Princess but beknownst to us the insidious Darth Otaku is following the Princess in a 1mp3ri@l Spam Deliverer and is getting a little close for comfort.

The Princess will have to cope with the 1mp3ri@l n00bs in the R.E.B.E.L. Alliance is to survive...?

~*~[/CENTER]

The R.E.B.E.L. Spoiler-Tag Runner rocked from side to side as another blast of Spam-Laser smashed into the hull of the already fragile ship. The huge 1mp3ri@l Spam Deliverer was beating the poor little ship for all it was worth before the Spamtroopers could board the ship and proceed to spam the heck out of the R.E.B.E.L. Bloopers. Within the small defenceless rather cute looking ship the somewhat nerdy Princess Organic was desperately looking for a place to hide the DEATH SPAMMER plans while the crew took the appropriate measures for dealing with the 1mp3ri@l n00bs before they could get on board. Well, not all of the crew was...

[B]S-YK3:[/B] Did you hear that? Those idiots have shut down the main index; they?re just rolling out the welcome mat for those n00bs aren?t they.

[B]5H-1n:[/B] w00t-w00t-w00t, ;_;.

[B]S-YK3:[/B] Bah, don?t you give me that pig Latin. It was you who thought it was a good idea to sign up for the alliance in the first place, so it?s entirely your fault.

[B]5H-1n:[/B] Beep-w00t-dweeb, >_<.

While the two clueless Droids continued their slagging match the rest of the scene unfolded around them. The R.E.B.E.L. Bloopers set their Grammar-Guns to full check in preparation for the Spamtroopers boarding party. Echoing around the R.E.B.E.L. ship could be heard the clatter-clang as the Spam Deliverer locked the poor ship in its steely grip. Out side the air lock could be heard the steady thwaps as the Spamtroopers threw themselves at the door in a vain attempt to knock it down, but as you all know if you hit something long enough it will brake and this is the logic that most Spamtroopers work on. Steadying their G-Gs the Bloopers readied themselves for an all out assault on their sense of spelling and punctuation. Then it happened, the first Spamtrooper came flying through the hatch.

[B]Spamtrooper #1:[/B] Wheeeee! 1 m3@n D13 R.E.B.E.L. 5CU/\/\!

[B]S-YK3:[/B] Oh my! Save me 5H-1n, what do we do!

[B]5H-1n:[/B] Beep-twiddle-scoot, >_>;;.

And with that advice the two Droids somehow managed to run across the hall-way without getting a single spelling mistake much to the amazement of both sides. As the Droids got out of the crossfire more and more Spamtroopers were pouring through the hole, laughing like idiots if one of them fell on his bum and so on. Slowly but surely the Spamtroopers were gaining ground as more and more of the R.E.B.E.L. Bloopers lost the will to talk properly and threw down their Grammar-Guns.

[B]Blooper #1:[/B] Argh! H3lp m3...c@nt t@1k correctly! N0000!

[B]Blooper #2:[/B] Leave him! He?s to far gone to help. Let?s get out of here!

The R.E.B.E.L. forces turned and fled from the oncoming horde of Spamtroopers and said troopers ran after them firing wildly, like children in a candy store. Now taking a quick brake from the action we return to the formidable Droid duo of S-YK3 and 5H-1n as they hide like the cowards they are from the grammatically incorrect onslaught of the Spamtroopers.

[B]S-YK3:[/B] 5H-1n where are you?

The tall Chrome protocol Droid looked around a very dark and plot-developing tunnel as he searched for his vertically and verbally challenged counter part. For a while all seemed very foggy but eventually he made out the form of a vaguely nerdy Princess inserting something into 5H-1ns body before she quickly stole away in to the shadows.

[B]S-YK3:[/B] Ah, there you are. What were you doing, trying to get another number?

[B]5H-1n:[/B] Tweet-tweet-nah, ^_~.

[B]S-YK3:[/B] I don?t care what you?ve been told. Short Droids are NOT more virile! Now let?s get out of here before those Spamtroopers find us.

[B]5H-1n:[/B] Whoop-whoop-diddle-dum, @_@.

[B]S-YK3:[/B] Mission? What mission? Stop talking nonsense and open up this escape pod!

[B]5H-1n:[/B] w00t, ^___^.

5H-1n opened up his Swiss-army knife hatch and flipped open the ?Escape Pod Master? following on he inserted the afore mentioned tool into the correct spot. After a few moments of whirls and blips the pod opened up allowing the Droids to get in and escape the dreaded G@l@ct1c 3mp1re. Now with this short interlude over we can return to the action. All was hush in the air lock corridor with the fallen troops lined along the wall, the silence was suddenly broken when a dark, evil-sounding machine assisted breathing apparatus could be heard approaching from the air-lock where, for some reason, all the lights had been turned out. Suddenly in the void appeared the scary form of The Dark Lord of Teh Shifty, Darth Otaku. Taking in another deep breath the Shifty Lord spoke to the Spamtroopers with a level of spelling and compound plurals that chilled them to the core.

[B]Darth Otaku:[/B] Well done my minions. You shall be rewarded greatly for this, now take me to the Princess! But before that I?d like to deal with a disposable extra that?ll make me look cool, strong and clever all at once. Now go! Find me the Captain of this ship!

[B]Spamtroopers:[/B] Y35 51R!

Like good little minions the Spamtroopers scurried off to find a suitable extra that didn?t have much plot development potential for Darth Otaku to squash and help him feel better about himself. As he advanced menacingly down the corridor the Dark Lord was approached by one of his higher ranking minions, Commander D?Zanth who had been with the Dark Lord long enough for him to forget his name every few hours.

[B]Cdr. D?Zanth:[/B] Lord Otaku! The DEATH SPAMMER plans are not in the main index, it is quite probable they were beamed to another ship.

[B]Darth Otaku:[/B] You mean it is quite ?possible?, Commander. You do not need to impress me with your vocabulary. Besides, if they had been beamed to another ship there would be more bread crumbs but the trail stops here! So this is where they are, now where is that disposable extra?

As if on cue the Spamtroopers appeared all chanting in unison with the R.E.B.E.L. Captain who looked as though he should have gone before the ship left port. The unfortunate officer was thrown to the ground in front of Darth Otaku before he was hoisted into the air by some invisible cables to give the impression The Dark Lord of Teh Shifty was holding him above the grounds so his legs were flopping around like a fish on land. There followed a pause while Darth Otaku breathed in deeply as if he was sucking something more than the air out of the room, given this pause the R.E.B.E.L. Captain took the time to set his affairs in order before his untimely demise. Eventually Teh Shifty Lord spoke.

[B]Darth Otaku:[/B] We know you have the DEATH SPAMMER plans on board this ship. They were beamed to you by R.E.B.E.L. spies so tell me where they are!

[B]R.E.B.E.L. Captain:[/B] Erm, no.

[B]Darth Otaku:[/B] [-__-;;] What?

[B]R.E.B.E.L. Captain:[/B] I said no.

[B]Darth Otaku:[/B] Aww, go on. I promise I won?t tell anyone.

[B]R.E.B.E.L. Captain:[/B] Make me [:-p].

[B]Darth Otaku:[/B] [>_<] I haven?t got time for this! Take this man away! Commander D?Zanth, tear this ship apart until you found those plans! And bring me the nerdy Princess, I want her alive.

[B]Cdr. D?Zanth:[/B] Yes, Lord Otaku. You heard him men, hop to it!

[B]Spamtroopers:[/B] Y35 51R! H0p, h0p, h0p, h0p!

Darth Otaku sighed to himself a little as the Spamtroopers marched off with the R.E.B.E.L. Captain who looked a lot better than he did a few minutes ago. The Dark Lord had hoped to scare the fancy pants off the Captain but that hadn?t gone to plan so he figured he?d have fun tearing the ship apart instead. Given a few minutes to think things over Darth Otaku was shaken from his thoughtfulness by Commander D?Zanth with the news they had found the vaguely nerdy Princess Vicky.

[B]Darth Otaku:[/B] Excellent Commander, bring her before me.

[B]Spamtroopers:[/B] H0p, h0p, h0p, h0p! W3 h@v3 teh n3rdy 1 51r.

[B]Princess Vicky:[/B] Ah, Darth Otaku. Only you could be so bold, I?m telling on you and the senate won?t like that one bit, nah!

[B]Darth Otaku:[/B] Oh stop being such a nerd. The senate won?t help you now Princess. You are custodian to the plans for the DEATH SPAMMER, part of the R.E.B.E.L. Alliance and a traitor. What do you say to that, eh?

[B]Princess Vicky:[/B] I say give me my cell phone! I want to call my daddy, he?ll sort this out. And besides, I haven?t got the plans anymore...

[B]Darth Otaku:[/B] Gah, I can?t deal with this nerdy-ness. Send her away.

As ordered the obedient Spamtroopers frog march the Princess away as she fumbles with her cell phone. Walking into one of the near by corridors Darth Otaku is followed by Commander D?Zanth who seems to have a lot on his mind.

[B]Cdr. D?Zanth:[/B] The Imperial Senate won?t stand for this. It?s dangerous to hold her here and you heard her, she doesn?t have the plans Lord Otaku.

[B]Darth Otaku:[/B] Leave it to me Commander. Send a private message to the Senate informing them that all aboard were killed. We must keep her here, she is our only link to the R.E.B.E.L. Alliance. Now go away, you?re bothering me and preventing my evil scheming.

Casting a reproachful look on the retreating form of Commander D?Zanth Darth Otaku gets back to what he enjoys the most, some wholesome evil scheming.

[B]Darth Otaku:[/B] Yes...hmm...oh yes, that?s REALLY evil, that?ll go down like a treat. Mwuahahahah!

But all to soon the Dark Lord of Teh Shifty is interrupted by another officer with news of the search for the DEATH SPAMMER plans.

[B]Officer #1:[/B] Lord Otaku, the DEATH SPAMMER plans are not aboard the ship and no private messages have been sent. An escape pod was jettisoned but no life forms were aboard.

[B]Darth Otaku:[/B] Ah hah! She must have hidden the plans in that pod, my what a fiendish plan. Send down the Spamtroopers to retrieve the plans. If the plot goes the way we want they?ll be no one to stop us this time.

[B]Officer #1:[/B] Yes, my Lord.

And now we leave the R.E.B.E.L. Spoiler-Tag Runner as we go in search of the Droid Duo of S-YK3 and 5H-1n. To catch up the two of them were launched out in the escape pod which flew down to the smoky planet of Taccobean were they will doubtless run into some more plot developing dilemmas so lets go and find out what they?re up to. On one of the many deserts of Taccobean the escape pod has crashed, trailing away from it is a trailing of foot and track prints in the sand which belong to the two Droids as they try to find their way around this strange and alien planet.

[B]S-YK3:[/B] You really did land us in it this time didn?t you? All this babble about a secret mission and saving the galaxy again.

[B]5H-1n:[/B] Twoop-tweep-piddle, ?_?.

[B]S-YK3:[/B] Hush up, I need to sit down. I?m awfully lazy and we?ve been walking for minutes.

[B]5H-1n:[/B] Beep-w00t-w00t, *__*.

[B]S-YK3:[/B] No more adventures! I already said I?m lazy, come on lets get going...I think I can see a bench over there.

[B]5H-1n:[/B] W00T! W00T! <_<.

[B]S-YK3:[/B] Why should we go that way? It?s much to rocky and plot forming, far to much trouble if you ask me. I?m going this way.

[B]5H-1n:[/B] Blip-blip. Dum-dum-skeep! ;_;.

[B]S-YK3:[/B] No, I don?t care. No more plot holes, I?m going this way so you do what you want.

S-YK3 walked off in a much less plot-developing direction while the little 5H-1n stayed in the same position while he made his mind up deciding which way to go...[/SIZE]

[Vicky]

[SIZE=1][B]Ha. I beat everyone to it.

Nice stuff, I find it all very funny ^_^ like I said on AIM I just love 5H-1n's speech, I think I'll have to steal some of those sometime :p. It's a fun read, and just... well, funny. I love your style. I'd quote some parts I really liked, but I can't pick, but I will pick one...

[QUOTE]Princess Vicky:[/B] I say give me my cell phone! I want to call my daddy, he?ll sort this out. And besides, I haven?t got the plans anymore...[/QUOTE]

[B]You know, I probably would say something as pathetic as that in that kind of situation, lol.[/B][/SIZE]

[Guest Sean]

[COLOR=DarkRed][SIZE=1]Damn you Vicky, just because I got locked out the house for a few hours, lol. But so far this rocks, and I have to agree with you Vicky saying that 5H-1N's speach is absolutley brilliant.

Can't wait for the next installment. ^__^.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Baron Samedi]

[size=1]Great writing lol. I felt that the Introductory paragraph was a bit rocky in terms of capturing my interest, but the rest was pretty good :)[/size]