Writing Bruuce Willis, the Aussie [PG]

[Brasil]

?Bruuce Willis, the Aussie?

Ere?s wot happened. I was cruising round on my patrol route, just a smidge outside of Pirot, when this car casually drives by. I was goin to let ?em go, y?know, but then I ?ad to remoind moiself bout moi duuties to the force, cause I?m a police officer?a man of the lahw?and if I were to let this car past without the routine roadside check, well, crikey, I?d be lettin my chief down, as well as all my noble Aussie brethren!

I can?t ?ave that, so I flip on me blinkers and siren, and the car pulls over right quick. I pull my cruisah up behind ?im, to the reah. I start the recordah, so if there?s any toipe of skirmish, I?ve got it on video, roight!

So I walks on up to the driver and get a look at ?im, and think to moiself, ?Crikey! That?s the wallabee from those Die Haad flicks! But oi quickly compose moi thoughts and request the bloke?s ID.?

?G?day, mate!? he exclaims as he ?ands me ?is passport. ?Oi?m Bruuce Willis, famous stah of the silvah screen and the man who put the Die Haad series on the map! I made three of them, too. I started it with the fresh, cheeky, exoiting and action-packed Die Haad won, then followed that with the tired and formulaic but still smash-hit sequel, Die Haad 2: Die Haadah! Then Die Haad 3: Die Haad with a Vengeance, a furiously high-octane and trite car-chase buddy pictah with the Frenchman Samuel L. Jackson as the loveable Negro sidekick, and dialogue so poorly written that you can see me and Sam cringe as we 'act!' The dialogue was so cheesy that my mug on the cover of the film isn't a publicity still at all! It's an actual snapshot of me during filming when oi realized just how much moi cahreah's plunked in the crappah, mate!?

Now, ?e sure looked loike Bruuce Willis, and ?is passport had his pictah on it, but I couldah sworn I?d head Bruuce Willis talking with a blokey American accent, so I asked the fella bout how ?e got his staat in show business.

?Oh, I got my staat in Die Haad, mate! I was just doin commercials and the loike when all of a sudden, this British bloke, Jawn McTeahnan gives me a ringah and says, ?look, mate, we?ve got this paat here that we?d loike you ta reaad for. Care to hop on a linah and read us a bit?? I couldn?t turn down a paat in a Jawn McTeahnan pictah, so I was over there faster than a dingo to a maternity ward!?

Now, I staated doubting him at this point, cause I remembered some weird Bruuce Willis show during the 80s. ?e played some sort of detective or something, and that?s really where ?e got his staat, not Die Haad, so I asked im a follow-up question, right, ?Say, mate, who staad in Moonloightin? I remember it was Cybil Shepaad, but I can?t remember who the guy was.?

?That was a young Maatin Sheen, mate!?

?That so??

?Roight so! After he left, they got Pierce Brosnan to fill the role. It was just loike Remington Steele but it wasn?t!?

?Now, I hate to break it to you, mate, but Bruuce Willis doesn?t talk like that. He?s got a blokey Yankee accent. He?s lived in the states all ?is loife. I?m going to have to arrest you for forgery.?

?What, crikey, I swear I didn?t forge anything!?

He staated to whine and complain at that point, but I shut?im up roight quick by tellin im that if he resisted arrest, oi could punish im even furthah. And it just goes to show you...never try ta fool the border patrols, mate! We know film cahreahs!

[Shinmaru]

[quote name='Siren']?G?day, mate!? he exclaims as he ?ands me ?is passport. ?Oi?m Bruuce Willis, famous stah of the silvah screen and the man who put the Die Haad series on the map! I made three of them, too. I started it with the fresh, cheeky, exoiting and action-packed Die Haad won, then followed that with the tired and formulaic but still smash-hit sequel, Die Haad 2: Die Haadah! Then Die Haad 3: Die Haad with a Vengeance, a furiously high-octane and trite car-chase buddy pictah with the Frenchman Samuel L. Jackson as the loveable Negro sidekick, and dialogue so poorly written that you can see me and Sam cringe as we 'act!' The dialogue was so cheesy that my mug on the cover of the film isn't a publicity still at all! It's an actual snapshot of me during filming when oi realized just how much moi cahreah's plunked in the crappah, mate!?[/quote]

I love you. It's kind of late, but will you be my Valentine?

Anyway, this is very amusing lol. I almost couldn't believe that you managed to be more bizarre with this than the actual article I highlighted on my myOtaku (shill!), but did, amazingly enough. I also really like the emphasis you put on the accents of the characters - I don't know if I would be able to write like that for an extended amount of time, it's pretty commendable lol.

Good work, Alex. :)

[Drix D'Zanth]

Alex this is vaguely familiar. I think scanning collegehumor.com linked me to a news article of an australian man who claimed to be some star (perhaps Bruce) and ended up getting himself invited to several large events posing as the star. He was eventually caught with an Australian passport. I'm not sure if this is inspired by that real event... eh...

I loved the story. Some of the syntax could use a bit of a cleaning, but I loved the way you worked the dialogue and accent. I would say spot on, considering my limited experience with an australian accent. I couldn't help but chuckle several times reading through this. The story was well put together and the flow was very easy, making the entire story an enjoyable read. I love the detail and care you put into your stories, Alex, it's truly a refined gift. I'm gushing, I'm afraid. This story just seems spot-on. I'm not one to critique it, as it is evident that you are one of the finer writers on Otakuboards. Keep writing.

Your lifemate,
Jordan

[Shinmaru]

[quote name='Drix D'Zanth']Alex this is vaguely familiar. I think scanning collegehumor.com linked me to a news article of an australian man who claimed to be some star (perhaps Bruce) and ended up getting himself invited to several large events posing as the star. He was eventually caught with an Australian passport. I'm not sure if this is inspired by that real event... eh...[/quote]

Yeah, it was. He mentioned on his myOtaku that for an assignment he had to do a piece of fiction based on a real news event. He decided to scour through my weekly Shinmaru vs. The World feature (shill!) to find some funny news lol.

[Arcadia]

[size=1]Oh, that got a good chuckle out of me. [i]"We know film cahreahs!"[/i] Good stuff.

I've been studying a lot of Flannery O'Conner because of class lately and it's remarkably hard for me to copy the southern drawl that she uses in some of her stories, despite the fact that I do live in the south. It's very hard to keep it going throughout an entire story, but I think you did really well with the Australian accent. I don't know if our Australian friends would agree if it's accurate or not, but it is very constant, so you get definite points for that.

I'll have to go look this article up now. Too funny.[/size]

[Mitch]

[QUOTE=Siren]?Bruuce Willis, the Aussie?


So I walks on up to the driver and get a look at ?im, and think to moiself, ?Crikey! That?s the wallabee from those Die Haad flicks! But oi quickly compose moi thoughts and request the bloke?s ID.?
[/QUOTE]

I believe you messed up on the qutation marks here. Should it read:

[quote]So I walks on up to the driver and get a look at ?im, and think to moiself, ?Crikey! That?s the wallabee from those Die Haad flicks!" But oi quickly compose moi thoughts and request the bloke?s ID.[/quote]

I'm pretty sure it should be like that.

A minor mistake, but worth mention.

It was pretty well done, you pulled off the Aussie accent throughout the whole piece, and it seemed real, and that certainly isn't easy.

I found the dialogue from the Willis impersonator here:


[quote]G?day, mate!? he exclaims as he ?ands me ?is passport. ?Oi?m Bruuce Willis, famous stah of the silvah screen and the man who put the Die Haad series on the map! I made three of them, too. I started it with the fresh, cheeky, exoiting and action-packed Die Haad won, then followed that with the tired and formulaic but still smash-hit sequel, Die Haad 2: Die Haadah! Then Die Haad 3: Die Haad with a Vengeance, a furiously high-octane and trite car-chase buddy pictah with the Frenchman Samuel L. Jackson as the loveable Negro sidekick, and dialogue so poorly written that you can see me and Sam cringe as we 'act!' The dialogue was so cheesy that my mug on the cover of the film isn't a publicity still at all! It's an actual snapshot of me during filming when oi realized just how much moi cahreah's plunked in the crappah, mate!?[/quote]

to be a little too long. You could definitely condense this more, or get rid of some of it. You don't need it all. You are also obviously using this character to make fun of Willis, and it feels a lot like you as the writer are speaking here.

Another thing I noticed, you'd been using the apostrophe to indicate missing parts of the spoken words, but some of the time you don't use them.

e.g.:

[quote]He staated to whine and complain at that point, but I shut?im up roight quick by tellin [b]im[/b] that if he resisted arrest, oi could punish im even furthah. And it just goes to show you...never try ta fool the border patrols, mate! We know film cahreahs![/quote]

as opposed to this:

[quote]I can?t[b] ?ave[/b] that, so I flip on me blinkers and siren, and the car pulls over right quick. I pull my cruisah up behind ?im, to the reah. I start the recordah, so if there?s any toipe of skirmish, I?ve got it on video, roight![/quote]

It is a minor detail, but it's the picky things that show you took the time and effort in a piece. When you decide to take a format in a piece - such as putting apostrophes to indicate shortening of words via colloquial use - you should stick to it.

Other than that, it was very enjoyable. Good job, Alex.

[Brasil]

Just a few quick points here before I get to go play GuildWars (BWEEEE! :D).

[QUOTE=Mitch]I believe you messed up on the qutation marks here. Should it read:

I'm pretty sure it should be like that.

A minor mistake, but worth mention.[/quote]
I just checked the Word document of it. The quotation was in the proper place there. Either tech hiccups or I had used an early and/or rough draft.

[quote]I found the dialogue from the Willis impersonator here:

to be a little too long. You could definitely condense this more, or get rid of some of it. You don't need it all. You are also obviously using this character to make fun of Willis, and it feels a lot like you as the writer are speaking here.[/quote]
Of course there was a bit of commentary on Willis' career (cahreah) there, but really, what could you expect? Anyone familiar with Willis' career (even an impersonator) on any level at all would be fully aware of the cheese factor of Die Hard.

Plus, I find the sheer ridiculousness of the situation warrants such a monologue. You're impersonating someone, so you're going to try to convey a very solid and comprehensive understanding of their films (which is what the impersonator tried to do in my adaptation).

[quote]Another thing I noticed, you'd been using the apostrophe to indicate missing parts of the spoken words, but some of the time you don't use them.

e.g.:

as opposed to this:

It is a minor detail, but it's the picky things that show you took the time and effort in a piece. When you decide to take a format in a piece - such as putting apostrophes to indicate shortening of words via colloquial use - you should stick to it. [/quote]
Again, I checked over the actual Word document saved here on my computer, and everything was in order. Either tech issue or early draft.

[url=http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=28874][u]News article[/u][/url]

There's the actual article for those interested.

[Baron Samedi]

[size=1]As a true blue Aussie, I can assure you that we don't actually talk like that. Surely Steve Irwin will spend all of eternity rotting in the seven hells for perpetuating this stereotype. Yet, that aside, this is a great piece of writing. Very enjoyable to read, most amusing, and it uses the stereotype very well: you introduce the characters through our prior awareness of such templates. Great work Alex. I enjoyed this immensely ^_^;[/size]