Writing The Merchant of Vice [M-L]

[Brasil]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]Out of all the shops in all the towns in all the world, [i]he[/i] had to come strolling into [i]my[/i] store. That was bad enough. Each time I see him, I die a little more. He personifies all that is bad and cruel in the world. Where there is pain or suffering, there he is. When someone can be kicked when they?re down, there he is with a steel-toed boot.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]He doesn?t care. He doesn?t feel. He doesn?t give a shit about compassion. He has no compassion. He lives to inflict pain. Seeing him kills me. I hate him. He?s the reason I?m alone. He?s the reason why nobody loves me, why everybody leaves me. Because of him, I am forgotten. Because of him, I?m eternally alone.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]But what makes it even worse is seeing [i]her[/i]. There she is, holding onto his arm, beaming like an idiot. They walk in, holding hands, laughing, smiling. The way she looks up at him makes me sick.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]She idolizes him. She treats him like God. He isn?t God. He?s evil. He?s a bastard. He doesn?t even deserve to be alive. But there he is, with her, acting like nothing?s wrong at all.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]But something [i]is[/i] wrong. [i]I[/i] should be the one being held in his arms. [i]I[/i] should be the one he?s gazing at lovingly. [i]I[/i] should be the one he?s in love with. Not her. She doesn?t deserve him. That tramp doesn?t deserve his affection. Oh, shit?they?re coming this way.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]?Hello,? he says. The smile?s a fake. I see how he smiles at her. That?s not the smile he?s giving me. He?s smirking, grinning, mocking me. He?s laughing at me on the inside.[/size][/font]

[i][font=Times New Roman][size=3]Haha, Jenn, you?re so pathetic. I?m happily romancing and you?re stuck here plodding out your miserable existence because you refused to accept responsibility and try to change your life for the better! I?m happy and you?re not![/size][/font][/i]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]He always has. He sees me and just laughs. Laughs at my fear, my pain, at my anguish. He laughs at how I?m alone. God, I wish that smile were real, but it?s not. And he knows that. Fucktard.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]?Hi,? I reply. ?Can I help you??[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]?Yes, you can.? He glances at her with a smirk and a wink, then laughs. He tenderly squeezes her. They?re both bubbly and happy and all lovey-dovey. It?s just to spite me. They?re not happy. They just think they?re happy. They?re putting on a show. Inside, they?re hurting. Screaming. Angry. Sad. Inside, they?re just like me. ?We were looking for the wedding registry.?[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]The wedding registry? What the fuck? This has got to be a joke. A cruel fucking joke that people love to play on me, just to make me more miserable than I already am. They can?t be getting married. They can?t. They shouldn?t. They?re not right for each other. He should be with me. I?m the one he wants. I?ve always been the one he wants. I?m the one for him. Not her.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]?The wedding registry?? I ask.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]?Yep. We?re still deciding on a date, but we?d like to get some things done now.?[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]?I can help you.?[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]?Oh, great! Thank you.?[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]There?s that smile again.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]?Just wait one second. I?ll get the forms.?[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]Today fucking sucks. He?s making a mistake by marrying her. She?s not good for him. She can?t treat him right. He doesn?t know it yet. But I know it. She can?t please him. She doesn?t know how. I know what he likes. I know what he needs. She?ll make him miserable. I can?t let that happen.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]?Okay, just fill this out right here, names, address, contact information, date, and then sign at the bottom.?[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]He begins filling out the paperwork but stops. He examines the page, then turns and whispers something in her ear. He points to the page and gestures with his fingers. She leans in and looks closer. She turns back to him and nods. He looks at me again.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]?These aren?t the forms for a wedding registry.?[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]Fuck.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]?Oh, I?m sorry. These are for the [i]baby[/i] registry. Just a minute??[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]I reach under the desk and pull out the wedding forms. He grabs them and pulls. I don?t let go. He?s not going to get this without a fight. I?m not going to hand them to him willingly. He?s going to have to take them by force. I want him to hit me. God, I want him to hit me.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]I want to call security, to see them take him away. I want to see that stupid smile disappear. I want to see pain in his face. I want him to hurt as much as I do. I want their marriage to end before it even begins.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]He snatches the papers out of my hand, snatching my fantasy from me. He always does that. He always robs me of happiness. Always. And always completely intentionally.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]They fill out the forms quickly, barely able to keep their hands steady. Their voices are hushed, excited whispers to each other. With each line they complete, their smiles grow wider and wider. They laugh together. They write together. They are together.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]He signs his name first at the bottom of the page. Dates it. He hands the pen to her. I see the ring. I want it. I want to wear it. I [i]should[/i] be the one wearing it. She doesn?t deserve it. She?s not supposed to be the one. She isn?t. She can?t be![/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]It won?t last. Relationships never do. They?ll see. Someday I?ll be right and he?ll come back to me.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]They submit the completed forms and watch me file them. They hug each other then turn and walk away, holding hands, walking to a future I?ll never have?because of her.[/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=3]I look down at my bracelet. I want to destroy something beautiful. I rip it in half and let the pieces fall to the dusty floor. They don?t plummet but they don?t float. They just kind of glide. It doesn?t matter. I?ll just make another one. I always do.[/size][/font]

[Nothing]

I like it, except for "fucktard," which kind of spoiled the mood. Besides that, it's good, the perspective's unique, with some deep symbolysm at the end. Very good, although the first paragraph did throw me a little. 9.5/10, 1/2 a point, 'cause I got stuck for three minutes on fucktard, and the focus was directed at her thoughts, and kind of ignored her outside actions, if that makes any sense.

[Mitch]

This is pretty different from anything I have read from you. Mainly it's the character that's different.

The sentences were short, simple, and snippy, most often using pronouns.

[quote]Today fucking sucks. He?s making a mistake by marrying her. She?s not good for him. She can?t treat him right. He doesn?t know it yet. But I know it. She can?t please him. She doesn?t know how. I know what he likes. I know what he needs. She?ll make him miserable. I can?t let that happen.[/quote]

That got redundant. A lot of the long strains of "He. . ." and "He. . ." and "He. . ." and "They. . " and "They. . ." and "They. . ." etc. sentences could be changed so they don't start with the same thing for variety. Because it gets quite annoying and dull and drib the way it's written. But then again, as annoying as it might be to me as a reader, perhaps it further helps develop this character.

I liked the use of the present tense. Mostly everything I've ever read has been in past tense, so past tense is a little overused. The present tense gives it a new feeling which lends itself well to the piece overall.

The coarse language at first seems odd, but it further helps develop the character. But I'd tend to agree that "fucktard" just doesn't seem right. It comes out of the blue and is somewhat shocking (less so to me than it may have some other readers, perhaps).

The story itself was interesting, but mainly I like the character you've created. It seems unAlex to me, someone who's more cynical. I like it.

Also,

[quote] He always robs me of happiness. Always. And always completely intentionally.[/quote]

Read this. It just doesn't sound good. What really throws it off is the "And always completely intentionally." The use of an adverb and adjective and another adjective all strung together to make a sentence sounds horrid. Perhaps it's just personal prefence, but loading sentences down with adjectives and adverbs is bothersome. This sentence could definitely be reworked. Even though you're trying to develop an eccentric character, this could be executed better.

[Sara]

[quote name='Mitch']Read this. It just doesn't sound good. What really throws it off is the "And always completely intentionally." The use of an adverb and adjective and another adjective all strung together to make a sentence sounds horrid. Perhaps it's just personal prefence, but loading sentences down with adjectives and adverbs is bothersome. This sentence could definitely be reworked. Even though you're trying to develop an eccentric character, this could be executed better.[/quote][color=indigo]I don't think it sounds that bad. *shrugs*

Besides, those are all adverbs.

While in general terms, I'm not a big fan of the word "fucktard," it's fine here. A little jolting, maybe, but a screaming delicious contrast to the strained, fakely cheerful things she actually says.

"Hi. Can I help you?"[/color]

[Brasil]

To clarify, the person that I based the narrator on does speak and type exactly how I've written it. If you knew her--hell, if you read her blog--you'd find that each and every piece of narration I've written is based on her writing/speaking style. Some parts sound odd because that's how she speaks and writes (no lie). She doesn't form complete sentences (especially when she writes narration); her writing is laden with simplistic, elementary school pronoun use. All in all, she has a horrid grasp on the English language.

[quote]Read this. It just doesn't sound good. What really throws it off is the "And always completely intentionally." The use of an adverb and adjective and another adjective all strung together to make a sentence sounds horrid. Perhaps it's just personal prefence, but loading sentences down with adjectives and adverbs is bothersome. This sentence could definitely be reworked. Even though you're trying to develop an eccentric character, this could be executed better.[/quote]
I refer you to my above comments, and Sara's post. It doesn't sound bad at all. It's just true to the character. I would think you of all people would appreciate that.

[Mitch]

Well, you could've said that before you posted this. Then I would've read it in an entirely different way.

And yeah, Sara, you're right, they're all adverbs. I don't really have an excuse, but I was writing this quickly before I went to work.

Anyway, yes, I definitely appreciate it now that you've explained to me what this piece is. Now it makes sense.

[Brasil]

And why would I mention that in the first place? Why would I need to?

No offense, but it was obvious in the piece itself. The character is obviously a lunatic, who shows a very strange diction at the very beginning of the piece. All you have to do is read it and keep that in mind.

That manner of diction in that one paragraph you quoted was exactly the same manner of diction throughout the piece: a fractured, almost incoherent, mean-spirited, rambly, bizarre, outlandish, short, and choppy vitriol. After all, my writing is not so obtuse as to require author's notes at the on-set, and more often than not, not at all.

[Nothing]

Taking what you've said, what are you trying to accomplish? Are you giving the reader an insight on a general emotion, and exploring the anguish of obsessive love and hate, or giving an introduction to this one girl, and how she thinks? And if it is the later, could you at least pm this girl and ask her to change the fucktard? It's just a childish, goofy word. I wasn't shocked by it, per se, I didn't find it vile vulgar rude crude distasteful sailor-talk gutter-language or whatever, it just threw the mood. We can see that she is experiencing deep anguish, and then she uses something as ridiculous as "fucktard"

Alright, I'm not completely obsessed with fucktard, I also have a comment on what Mitch said earlier.

"He always robs me of happiness. Always. And always completely intentionally"

too much "always." I understand you're writing this exactly how she thought it, but you're not going to loose that image by making it sound a little better. You could keep the same feeling and deliver the same message by saying "He always [I]intentionally[/I] robs me of happiness."

But anyway, that's just my opinion. It's possible I don't completely grasp your objective, so if you like it the way it is, that's fine.

[Brasil]

[color=black][size=2]
Ah, Retro, but because she uses the word "Fucktard," what does that say about her character?

The word is childish, and a bit ridiculous, like you've said. Why does the word jolt the reader? Why doesn't the reader expect words like that?

Because the narrator isn't a child. She's in her early 20s. You can see this by simply analyzing the dynamics of the scene.

Her ex is now engaged, and she wasn't aware of that until they mention looking for the wedding registry. Then she sees the ring. How could she not know about the engagement? All it would have taken is a simple phone call, because when you get engaged, you want to tell everyone because you're so excited. ^_^

But she doesn't know. Why? She and her ex haven't talked for a few years.

Now, ask yourself why the narration is so choppy and at times, simplistic and childish. Why are there sophomoric words in the piece? Why is her grammar broken and splintered?

Because mentally, she?s still a child. She thinks like a little girl. She behaves like a little brat, a spoiled, self-obsessed, narcissistic brat, and one who has no emotional maturity, as evident by the tone and subject matter of narration. All this information is in the piece itself, lol.[/size][/color]

[Drix D'Zanth]

I think the fact that most of your critics picked out trivial details reveals the quality of your writing for how superb it truly is. You managed to show an entire twisted history in a fairly brief work of fiction. I especially appreciate the scrupulous detail that you poured over the character?s thoughts.

I suppose most of this is redundant after any initial reading. I was surprised that no one noticed the Casablanca reference:
[quote] Out of all the shops in all the towns in all the world, he had to come strolling into my store.[/quote]

And the Fight Club reference (which I admittedly missed first reading):
[quote] I want to destroy something beautiful.[/quote]