Ezekiel Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 [U]Sugar[/U] [I]Love is a funny thing, isn?t it? Something that people always look for in life, claim to find it, then more often then not, deny loosing it. Everyone does, it is human after all, but there is one key factor that sets the lovers from the dreamers. Faith. Faith is vital in all relationships and even just that little niggling bit of doubt at the back of ones mind could set off a whole series of events that sends what could have been a tight bond of love and friendship spiralling into the ground. Crushed. Dead. Hopeless. This is inevitable. Or so it seems. There are some in this world that seem above all others, those who have the purest of hearts and the best intentions, setting aside all regard for their own happiness in order to please others. But you see, this comes in a full circle. For once someone has broken the limit and passed that final line to make their lover a complete person, they are broken. They slip into that dark void of loneliness and confusion that they helped others climb out of. This is when dark thoughts creep into their minds, ways to end the suffering?or ways to make people feel what they do. In all relationships there must be an equal balance of good and evil, for if one outweighs the other there will be constant competition for the strongest, and in the real world good does not always win the final battle. In order for a couple to have true happiness, they must play off of each other?s strengths and try to help overcome the weaknesses together. But we all know that humans are foolish and do not understand the simple things such as love and compassion. They think they understand it, one night of raw passion means that two people are bound together. A golden ring on a finger symbolizes eternity. When you look at it form the outside, really look at it, everything seems very foolish. Like humans are lab rats running around frantically in their daily lives to please some higher purpose. Pawns in a game of ultimate power. So ask yourself; where do I come into it all? Do I need a significant other to complete me, to hold me, to comfort me and to [B]bind [/B] me. The answer should be no, if not, then you are one of the weak ones. I view it as my purpose in this world to eliminate the emotionally weak. Think of it as a blessing, but also consider this warning, the heart is a fragile piece of glass that is easily shattered. How sad it is that a few words can tip a persons world.[/I] ---- The ominous buzz of flies is something that strikes dread in the heart of anyone unfortunate enough to be out in a remote area in the dead heat of summer. A man, no less than fifty, swiped sweat from his brow as he tromped through undergrowth, most of it dead by now. He spotted a cluster of crushed cans and empty bottles, immediately grumbling about ?junky teens?. This forest was his responsibility, not by law, but by moral bonding. Like his father and grandfather before him, Morris Grantham viewed it as his mission in life to chase unruly teens from this forest and keep it in the best possible condition for all to enjoy. But in his old age that task was proving difficult and Morris could tell his joints would soon give in to the inevitable. He stopped and leant against a tree, catching his breath in the stifling humidity. The buzzing grew louder and finally his old ears picked up on it. Squinting into the distance he spotted a black lump, a swarm of flies buzzing around and overhead. He shook his head, suspecting some teenagers practicing shooting on the wildlife. As he walked, Morris braced himself for the sad, open eyes of a deer. But as he approached, another thought occurred, [I]Human.[/I] He shook the thought away just as the stench hit him, the stench of congealed blood and rotting flesh, decaying in the constant heat. A trembling hand reached out for a stick, something to flip the black plastic cover off. A few seconds later, Morris was staring into the hollowed out sockets of a man in his late thirties. Not even a scream passed his lips as he collapsed to the floor, his right hand clutching at his chest as the final beats of his racing heart pumped the last of his blood through his wasted veins. [SIZE=1]I haven't totally given up on Crimes of Hate; I just haven't really found any ideas to carry it on well lately. So this is my new story, one I hope I can carry on with. It's not an OB Parody, as you can see, but I'm probably going to be basing a lot of the characters off people that I know online, which you may possibly pick up on. Since this is the first part, I'd like comments on how to make it better etc. I need to know if people want me to carry on with this or to go on with Crimes of Hate. Constructive criticism is greatly encouraged and appreciated.[/SIZE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... KarmaOfChaos Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 [color=deeppink][size=1]Well, it's definitely an interesting beginning, although I'm not sure how the stuff in italics is supposed to relate to the story about the old man. Other than that, I don't see anything wrong with the story speficially, it's well-written. Maybe cut some lines out of the stuff in italics, it seems to go on for a bit too long, and might discourage a less intriguied or determined reader. I'm interested to see where this leads though. :) -Karma[/size][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Hevn Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 [COLOR=Purple][SIZE=1]I agree with Karmi about cutting a few lines in the italicized paragraphs. I think you can make it short but still effective. I love the italicized part but I kinda got lost the feeling in the next part. As Karmi said, I don't see the connection...yet. Maybe you can show us that in the next chapter. Still, I think you should've made even a vague connection. [B][COLOR=Plum]It's cool nonetheless.[/COLOR] [/B]^_^[/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Ezekiel Posted March 18, 2005 Author Share Posted March 18, 2005 [COLOR=Red][SIZE=1]I see how it would have confused people, basically, that first part is our dear murderer talking and as the chapters progress you will see the connection between the introduction and the rest of the events that go on ^_^; Sorry that wasn't too clear. I'm going to write the next part tonight, so I may end up editing this post with it. Thanks much for comments, much appreciated.[/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... DeadSeraphim Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 [COLOR=Indigo][SIZE=1][FONT=Arial]And here I was thinking it was a look into the nature of love... and it's another well written Jamie detective drama. This sounds good, I can't wait to see more. The murderer (for me) has really been painted a cold and heartless. ^_^ Good work. Must see more. =)[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... KarmaOfChaos Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 [color=deeppink][size=1]Oooh, I get it now! I'm also really intrigued. Do post more, darling! -Karma[/size][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Create an account or sign in to comment You need to be a member in order to leave a comment Create an account Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy! Register a new account Sign in Already have an account? Sign in here. Sign In Now Share More sharing options... Followers 0
KarmaOfChaos Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 [color=deeppink][size=1]Well, it's definitely an interesting beginning, although I'm not sure how the stuff in italics is supposed to relate to the story about the old man. Other than that, I don't see anything wrong with the story speficially, it's well-written. Maybe cut some lines out of the stuff in italics, it seems to go on for a bit too long, and might discourage a less intriguied or determined reader. I'm interested to see where this leads though. :) -Karma[/size][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hevn Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 [COLOR=Purple][SIZE=1]I agree with Karmi about cutting a few lines in the italicized paragraphs. I think you can make it short but still effective. I love the italicized part but I kinda got lost the feeling in the next part. As Karmi said, I don't see the connection...yet. Maybe you can show us that in the next chapter. Still, I think you should've made even a vague connection. [B][COLOR=Plum]It's cool nonetheless.[/COLOR] [/B]^_^[/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezekiel Posted March 18, 2005 Author Share Posted March 18, 2005 [COLOR=Red][SIZE=1]I see how it would have confused people, basically, that first part is our dear murderer talking and as the chapters progress you will see the connection between the introduction and the rest of the events that go on ^_^; Sorry that wasn't too clear. I'm going to write the next part tonight, so I may end up editing this post with it. Thanks much for comments, much appreciated.[/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeadSeraphim Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 [COLOR=Indigo][SIZE=1][FONT=Arial]And here I was thinking it was a look into the nature of love... and it's another well written Jamie detective drama. This sounds good, I can't wait to see more. The murderer (for me) has really been painted a cold and heartless. ^_^ Good work. Must see more. =)[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarmaOfChaos Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 [color=deeppink][size=1]Oooh, I get it now! I'm also really intrigued. Do post more, darling! -Karma[/size][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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