Writing China's Work [PG-13, L,V]

[Citrus]

Here, if I get enough replies, I will post all of my poems which some are deep and some are comedy. Please post your commenst because I would love to hear them. Thanks and here is my first work ever.
[COLOR=Navy]
[CENTER]Blood Rose[/CENTER]
Bloody Rose

I picked up a rose
It had the same color of my clothes
But when I held it tightly
It pricked my slightly


Blood trickled down my chest
Then I thought I should have never messed
As I wiped away the blood
It came down even more like a flood


I looked up and asked God to send an angel
And I found my self blameful
For the Rose I have pricked
Then it clicked


I had collapsed
Time elapsed
I grew pale
I then knew I would fail

I had died
Life is fried
And when something?s gone
You can?t find it on your lawn

Goodbye
It?s time for your life to untie[/COLOR]

[Dragon Warrior]

I noticed you had a pattern for "poem meters," but in my opinion, it wasn't the best choice (plus, you ddin't stick to that pattern, maybe you don't even know you were doing it). The poem didn't flow and because you went from trimeter to pentameter to tetrameter to trimeter again, it just didn't work out. I'm not saying poems should always be organized just right, but if you're going for a rhyme scheme, you must make sure your sentences go right with each other. It's all about how many syllables you have in your phrases.

Nextly, one of my biggest concerns aside from the meters was that some sentences seemed to be just thrown in so space would be occupied.

"You can?t find it on your lawn"
"It had the same color of my clothes"

Those appeared to be out of place and had really nothing to do with the situation at hand. You mention the clothes are the color of the rose, but you didn't back up what that had to do with anything. And the lawn? What about finding something on your lawn? XD

Lastly, you should look over some of your lines. You either didn't read through it or you're trying too hard to sound poetic... "Then I thought I should have never messed" A phrase like that just doesn't seem to work. Not without saying what you messed [i]with[/i] (which we all realize is the rose). Also, you wrote "my" instead of "me" in one spot ;^D

I will say that I'm assuming you [i]were[/i] using the rose as a metaphor for death, since who actually dies from pricking their finger on a rose? This poem just needs some editing and we'll see what happens :3

[Citrus]

Heh, I see how you misunderstood. It's more like weirdness in my own way. The rose is a symol for love. When the girl fell in love it was beautiful, hence the rose.

When I said 'it had the same colors of my clothes' it sybolically meant that the boy was on the same page she was.

And when I stated " when somethings gone you cant find it on your lawn' I meant when something is gone you can't find it again rigt away. Once again, love.

When the girl died it meant her only life had been ripped out of her life. Like her heart, which obviously kills you if you don't have one.


Ok I think I cleared it up for you. Thanks for you comment.