Writing Too Much Here [M-SV]

[Raiha]

[FONT=Times New Roman][COLOR=DarkOrchid]As some of you may know, I was once in a very abusive relationship with someone. He's left me letters he's typed directly into my computer. He's a paranoid schizophrenic and diagnosed manic-depressive. You think I'd want to ever be with someone like that for the rest of my life? God I hope not. When you read my words, keep in your mind a vision of a man with a knife to his wrist, and me begging him to not kill himself over me.

"D?Ann?I?ll find you?I love you and nothing can change that?the long wait will be one of the most trying times in my life."

Three years ago I was in love with this man. His name, I'll call him Zeno. He was good to me for a time. And I was anything but disloyal to him. I was faithful, even when he wasn't. I didn't know he was cheating on me. He had sex with an old girlfriend, as if taking my virginity against my will wasn't enough. But I stayed with him because I didn't know what I could do. He never used protection; I could've become pregnant with his child. How would I have told my mother? I couldn't face her that way.

Eventually I told my family what had happened to me. They told me to break up with him. And I tried. For two months I told him that I wouldn't date him any longer and that he could find himself someone new to torment. He fell to his knees in front of me one morning. And begged me to take him back. I refused. He said he would do anything for me. I told him that he was over reacting. I continued my day at school and came home. Soon he called me but I refused to talk to him. His mother called mine and tried to get her to talk to me. I refused again.

The more I heard what was happening, the more I was convinced I had done the right thing in breaking it off with Zeno. I saw him at school the next day and I couldn't believe my eyes. He was back with the girl he had slept with while we were together. One Day. And he was back with her. It was like he couldn't go a minute without being with another human being. Then he started confronting me in hallways. I walked away from him when I could until he cornered me. He kissed me and said he would always love me. I pushed him away and ran.

When school finally let out and I graduated, I moved with my family and went to a college out in the middle of California. I was happier there because it took me away from people like Zeno. Once there I began to feel normal again. One night, the day before Christmas, he called me. He said he was in trouble and needed help. I drove 50 miles to the coast to find him bleeding from a wound on his arm. I took care of him, took him back home because my parents were on vacation. Once there he fell asleep next to me. I didn't like being so close to him, but he was in trouble, so I wanted to help. When I woke up, he had already had sex with my body again. I didn't say anything about it, but took him home. Later I discovered a love letter on my computer.

[i][center]There was so much I wanted to say in that car. So damn much that I couldn't get a single word out. Dammit I love you. Its really selfish of me to wish fervently that you not get a boyfriend or find anyone you can see yourself with. I really want you happy. I want to be the one your happy with. I don't care what I have to say or do, how far I must travel, how drastically I must change, and how hard I must work...it all doesn't matter. The moment I seen you drive off I cried. I almost got in my car to follow you. I owe you so much for making such an insane drive twice on your own. I LOVE YOU. I can't say it enough. You don't need to be with me for me to forgive you, I forgave you from day one, just had so much trouble saying it because I wanted you so badly. I was and am such a fool! Words fail me. This morning was the best time in my life for as long as I can remember. Not just because of the insanely sexy body of yours, but because I was happy. Free. I was at peace. I was with the woman I would marry at the sight of a priest on the street.

"Hey, buddy! Fifty bucks if you marry us right here and now!" This morning was also an extreme torment that has left me hollow and lonely and lost and weak. It's rent my soul to the core, for today I had to part with you. I know in my heart I will find you again and we'll be together without contest if you are still able to do so. I myself will never replace you. I can wait that long. Dear God I love D'Ann. If I am to pray for anything, it?s for her. For you. I think I'm going to have to skip a few meals and go a few days without sleep again. I don't want to, but it?s not in me to take care of myself just yet. I want you to scold me and say,

"If I see that you slimmed down enough to wear my bra the next time we meet, I?ll beat you like a bar wench!"

Or

"If you aren't well rested when we meet again, I'm going to knock you out cold with my paper fan!" GOD so much to say to you. So much time to make up for. I lost you!!! How could I? This realization brings tears anew. But at last I have you again, miles be damned. Good lord, where was my life going? How could I have let my...inner coldness, inner demon or whatever...ever overrun my heart? It beats furiously now, D'Ann. I look to the future now without the cold hard knot in my chest. I see your face (among other things that belong to your physique...jk) and I cry, but not out of desperate fear or reluctant acceptance anymore. I can hardly wait for the day to come when I can wrap my arms around you once more and cry my little lost boy head off. I don't even need the Tink bitch; I can fly just thinking of that reunion. This email is very long...You need to play with a dead chicken in order to cook it...you need to SLEEP. Write me every chance you get. Tell me how things go for you, even if it?s about how burned your waffles are or how lumpy your pillow feels on a particular night. I'm not being obsessive...I?m being sorry for missing out on so much time. I love you.


Yours always,
Zeno
[/center][/i]

I was very afraid. He was stalking me and I couldn't do anything about it. He started calling me after that. Soon I moved down to the dorms at U.C. Irvine. Somehow he found my address and visited me one afternoon. He stayed for three days. During those three days, I was miserable, and frightened. It never occurred to me to tell him to leave and never come back. Much less call the police. Eventually I went to a friend's room and sat down with him for a few minutes. He said if he had a cigarette and some vodka, he would give them to me. I said that if he had them, I'd take them. I had never been so depressed over one human being.

I went back upstairs and found another letter on my computer, this, a continuation of the other.

[center][i]PS. I have reread this message and beg your pardon for a few edits. The date is now Friday Feb 18th. I have this chance to talk with you. I understand how you feel. But like you said last night...you feel you need to hold onto something but you don?t know what. I prey with all my heart and soul to anyone, any God or Buddha or Indian Pope that it be I. D?Ann, you say you?ve been hurt too much, that you are afraid of more hurt. Unintentional hurt.
?I hate you, you?re a cold bitch and I wish I never met you? will never, ever come from my lips. Nor will I ever go behind your back about my problems or whatever. You know what I mean. D?Ann, I vow on my life never to hurt you, intentionally or not. But if I do unintentionally hurt you, I can guarantee it will not be a serious hurt. The worst it might be is I forgetting a certain day or forgetting to pick something up at the store you wanted.
I know you aren?t looking for a boyfriend and I remember you telling me you like being single. But D?Ann, I see it in your eyes. Behind the fear, that is. It saddens me to see your fear overpowering your love, but I can understand that, too. You care about me. You said so yourself; ?I care about you a lot, Ronnie?. Those words haunt me (in a very good way) every time I am faced with a possible risk. I try not to do what would make you worry, but D?Ann, think for a moment. What do you think ?I care about you? translates to? The answer is three simple words that are being held back by your fears.
I am not telling you how you feel. I am showing you what I have seen, what I have felt and what I know. I love you. You love me. Let?s get together and kill Barney. Ha ha. That sound like a date or what? Jk. But seriously...when the time comes...no, this I must discuss with you in person. I know your hurt, I see your fear, and I feel your reluctance. The rest we must discuss in person. Until then, Lina Incarnate, adieu. [/i][/center]

I saved everything, and when he left I took myself out to the shower down the hall and scrubbed my body over and over in water so hot it seared my skin. Finally I stopped and opened every window in my room. I had to purify everything from his touch, from his scent. I cleaned all my clothes, I changed all my sheets, I threw away the gifts he had given me, I didn't want them. I folded everything and put it all away. By then the smell had gone and I was ready to do the rest.

I lit a stick of incense and put it by the mantel. Then I poured out a small amount of salt by the door. Eventually I felt better and put my things away. Then my boyfriend called and took me to his house for the weekend. We spent our time together, even though I was miserably sick with a cold. He took the kindest care of me, so different from when I was with Zeno. I couldn't understand how two men could be so different. But I think it's a stretch to call Zeno a man. Now he leaves me alone. It's like he's finally gotten the picture. I'll never love him. I'll never marry him. I hate him. I took care of him and he was cruel to me in return. It could've destroyed my faith in humanity, but I refuse to let that happen.

I have many things to do in my life. I'm 19 now. And I have a boyfriend that cares for me deeply. I study at the University of California in Irvine and I do my best to be a good student. I like living.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[MissWem]

[COLOR=DarkRed][SIZE=1]I couldn't resist reading all of this after just the first paragraph. It's just a hypnotically frightening story. Zeno is creepy beyond imagination, yet he has some oddly human components to him.

The way your presented him is entrancing. It's scary >_>[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Raiha]

[COLOR=MediumTurquoise]Than it'll be creepier to know that this is a true story. He left those letters on my computer. I narrated the rest so it would make sense, but that is what happened.[/COLOR]

[Kamuro]

I was drawn to it as well, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it was quite the story, its definitely unfortunate though, a women like yourself, seemingly bright, who I'm sure had several things going for her, had her life interrupted by someone undeserving to be their, once again, not meaning to be insensitive, but its hard not to insult someone who negatively impacted your life so willingly, anyway, as far as the writing goes, I liked it, I was very interested, and enjoyed reading it

[Malkav]

that was...touching. Its hard to understand the male mind sometimes, although, when we love, we love hard.

[MissWem]

[quote name='Neuvoxraiha][COLOR=MediumTurquoise']Than it'll be creepier to know that this is a true story. He left those letters on my computer. I narrated the rest so it would make sense, but that is what happened.[/COLOR][/quote]
[COLOR=DarkRed][SIZE=1]All the shock and horror in my life could not comprehend the truth in those words. I am truly amazed. And.. amazed. For a true story it makes one really good fiction. I'm not sure I want to know what kind of mind would write the way he did.

Although I must say, the narration was really nice. I particularly liked how you alluded to certain things happening making it quite tasteful, yet powerful.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[JT Darkfire]

Well, everyone has their issues. Unfortunately for you, you were caught in the middle of his sick world. But then again, you kind of have to pity guy like that (not like or respect, pity). He'll probably end up slowly ruining his own life.

I am sorry you had to go through that traumatizing experience. That kind of thing just happens too much in this world, but unfortunately there is nothing anyone can do to prevent a situation like that from occuring to others. I would if I could, but in all serious there is nothing I can do to stop this from happening again. Gentle souls are normally the first to be tainted by the darkness of this world, and despite the actions anyone takes, misfortune will come to everyone in some way, shape, or form. Sadly, you were one of the unlucky, and it hit harder than it should ever hit. For anyone to have to go through that makes me hurt inside

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]I remember you telling me about that boyfriend, but to read what he typed on the computer is simply frightening. You made the right decision in breaking up with someone like that, I would hate to think what he'd have been capable of doing if he was angry at you.

But my feelings about the man aside, that was a thoroughly fascinating account of what happened, I was tempted to reuse Destiny's use of the word hypnotic but it didn't seem to fit my own interest in it. I'll agree that after the first paragraph you are hooked to see what happens, and to know that it's not just a story does added a further chilling side to it. Excellent phrased, well paced, truly a piece of work to capture a person's attention and keep it on the events.[/SIZE]

[Domon]

[SIZE=1]O_O; This guy seems extremely creepy and I'm glad that you broke up with him because he just seems like the person who would try and guilt trip people into doing what he wanted and then treating them horribly. I think you did the right thing by breaking up with him. I'm just glad you're okay.[/SIZE]

[Lord Dante]

This guy seems well and truly screwed up. i'm surprised you put up with it for as long as you did, without resorting to cutting out his eyes, or slicing through his abdomen. but it did make a good read, i reckon it'd make a good movie too (not to sound insensitive)