Writing If I Was Pals With Chewbacca [E]

[Dragon Warrior]

And so I make another stupid short story :P

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Yeah, there was a time I was pals with Chewbacca. He wasn?t a bad guy, not at all. He could smell a little now and then, but it was costly to buy about ten bottles of dog shampoo a week on our salary. I think the princess put it right when she called him a walking carpet. Bless his soul, he looks like a matted ball of hair and he sure smells like a burnt one too. But you didn?t hear me say that.

So, yeah, you could say we were best friends. Of course, people wondered how we kept up conversations. The damn muppet talked Wookie. There were moments even I wondered what he said and if he was swearing at me in secret. Lovely singing voice, though. He could make a record deal. I imagined I should?ve picked up some type of translating device so we could hold a proper conversation, but Wookies break things so easily. My hand can vouche for that (ohhh, the handshakes). So I took up some classes.


?Hello,? I said to the teacher as I entered. He was some type of space monster, so you can realize it was pretty difficult to not stare. That or you can?t stop keeping eye contact with him. Of course, he had two-hundred eyes all around his body, so my point is taken. ?I am here for Wookie Chat 101.?

My teacher waved an eye-covered tentacle at a seat in the front of the room. ?Take a seat.? I obeyed. ?Mr. Brown,? he addressed me, ?why are you here??

?To learn to speak Wookie so my friend Chewbacca and I can have intellectual conversations, ma?am.?

?Sir.?

?Sorry, ma?am.?

?Oh, boy? do you feel this Chewbacca fellow is intelligent enough to help you train in his own speech??

?Why not?? I shrugged. ?He seems to swear Wookie curses all the time! Lovely singing voice, by the way.?

?I don?t care about his singing voice!? shouted the alien instructor. ?Enough questions for you. I?m going to start the class.? The next few hours consisted of me reading a book about Wookies and their potty-training process followed by a brain-probing that inserted every Wookie word into my head. Now I could talk with my buddy Chewy any time I wanted. And maybe carry a tune with him from time and again.

Having done that class, Chewy and I had became even closer than before and took off on intergalactic adventures through time and space. But I?m not saying there weren?t points we had some trouble. Remember when I said he smelt bad? Well, you can imagine how long it takes for a giant mop like him to get clean and beauteous.


?C?mon, Chewy,? I shouted, banging on the bathroom door to the Millennium Falcon. ?I need to go real bad.?

?Gerrraaahhh!? came a shout from within the facility.

I slammed on the door again. ?Chewy, you?ve been in there for three hours. I?ve held it in for tha-?

?Gerahhh!?

?No, I will not go outside and do it. It?s the other one.?

?Gerah.?

?There?s no toilet paper.? The door slowly opened and a roll of TP flew into my hands. And just as quickly as it had opened, the door closed again. ?Real cute, Chewy. Now let me in.?

?Rooora raw raw!?

?What do you mean you have your comb stuck in your hair??

?Raw roora raw geraw!?

?That?s your fault if you?ll be late for your date. A nice wookie like Jennifer shouldn?t be stood-up by a bathroom-hogging hairball.?

?Roora!?

?No, I will not take that back.?

?Raw Rooo reh raw!?

?Will you just let me in for a second? I really need to go!? That pretty much went on until I landed the ship on Endor?s moon and did my business. I don?t even want to talk about those perverted Ewoks. But I suppose the bathroom incidents were some of my smaller problems.


?Bookasa!?

?Heyyyy, Jabba! My main man! What are you doing here??

?Roowasa Jiblo!?

?Oh, this is your house.? I suddenly felt nervous. ?Sorry about crashing the Falcon into your room. Rough landing.?

?Lolada buwuda.?

?Sure I have your money. But listen, I first have to pay off a few Storm Troopers from Poker Night and then I?ll get your money for the Falcon.?

Jabba shook his fat, stubby finger. I hate when he shakes his fat, stubby finger. And where has that finger been? Has anyone else noticed Jabba looks like a fossilized poop? I mean, honestly. The guy looks terrible. And yet, he always has hot babes running around his palace. Of course, he usually feeds them to some hideous monster, but ye know, whatever floats his boat. But I?m getting side-tracked. ?Horudoo momally scabbi-do-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa I?m a scatman!?

?Oh, Jabba. It?s not true. I have all the money, but it?s really important I pay-Oh, forget it. I?m just joshin? ye. I have no flippin? clue what you?re saying right now. In fact, I didn?t know your name was Jabba the Hutt when I first did business with you. I could?ve sworn someone called you Jabba the Sl-?



?? and then she took the Holy Grail and fell through the crack. What a dumb girl. But good ole Indiana?s dad. He saved his son?s butt, I tell ye what.?

Jabba seemed puzzled. Then furious. Then hungry. Then furious again. ?Wee-wada bookassa rondoric.?

?Okay, I?m not sure what you said again, but I?ll just assume it means I have seven days to get you your money.? Jabba actually said my fly was unzipped, but I was off like a prom dress before he could even correct my stupid error. In fact, Jabba didn?t want money for the ship. He just wanted a friend?

? yeah, right! Who wants to be friends with a poop?

So I hopped into the Falcon with Chewy at my side and took off. This story is about me being friends with Chewbacca, so let me get back to him. He eats a lot. It?s only natural for his size, but I mean, he eats so much, I can?t even think of a witty simile to match it! One time, we went to this diner called ?Die-Ner? (catchy name) and the waiter approached us.

?Can I take your orders, dudes?? asked the zit-covered Rodan (for you primitive people who don?t watch Star Wars, that?s a green thingy?).

?I?ll have a sloptopus sub,? I said.

?Eroo geraw geraw!? Chewy said with a mouthful of salt packets.

?Chewy, take those out of your mouth and speak clearly.? He did.

?Eroo geraw geraw!?

?Sorry, dude, I don?t speak Wookie.?

?He wants a Wookie Meal and don?t skimp on the toy. You wouldn?t want to upset a Wookie.?

?Right on, dude. Is that it??

?Well, Chewy has a lovely singing voice.?

?Uhhh? and??

?Yep.?

?O? kay.?

?Good.?

?I?m just gonna go give them your orders now.?

?Carry on.?

Okay, maybe that was a bad example of Chewy?s eating habits, but I?m not sure how else to explain how much he eats. And usually after he has a big meal and he goes to sleep, he snores horribly. Why, my nights in bed are terrible. I wake up in the morning with a headache and dreary eyes.


One morning I stumbled into the kitchen of the Falcon and slumped over to the cereal cabinet. ?Chewy, you came in late again last night.?

?Roraw?? Chewy mumbled through his teeth. He was eating his favorite breakfast: a bowl of Chewy Treats with Cinnamon Wookie Bites.

?I don?t care that you were out having a good time. You always do, then come to bed late and wake me up with your horrific snoring.? I slammed down my box of Obi-Flakes Cereal and poured myself a bowl. I liked picking out the Obi-Wan marshmallows before digging into the nasty Darth Vader wheat bites. No one actually likes to eat the healthy wheat parts of the cereal. Give kids a whole box of marshmallows, they?ll be happy.

Chewbacca kind of just murmured to himself before taking his bowl to the sink and rinsing it.

?You?re not getting away with this one,? I said to him. ?I?m putting my foot down.? I attempted to do just that, but the stool was so high up that I couldn?t reach the floor from my seat. I had to jump down to the grounds first.

?Rooraw raw!? Chewy countered, but I wouldn?t have it.

?No! No more, I said. I had a meal made for us last night and you just blew it off.? Chewy began to storm out of the room, but I tugged on his fur. Big mistake. Next thing I knew I was unconscious in one of our ship?s air vents. Chewy knows he?s strong. Every Wookie is. He uses his damn ability to his advantage too. Shame on him. But I guess it seems like we?re a couple and he?s the man of the two. It?s not true at all. Not? at? all?

? or is it? I dunno!

And so what if Chewy and I always fight? We make up, don?t we? Don?t we?!

Why, there was this one time Chewy brought home some Wookie Women. Have you ever seen a female Wookie? Oh, good God! They?re uglier than sin! And they?re even hairier than the male Wookies! The males! I mean, they?re so hairy that they filmed ?Gorillas In The Mist? while they took showers. Ewww? wookie women taking showers. Bad images! On with the story, for the love of Yoda!

?Oh, Chewy,? I said when I first saw him enter with the two females, ?I told you to stop bringing in the hair clippings from the barber shop dumpsters!? Once again, I found myself in an air vent when I woke up from my unconscious state. I stumbled into our living room of the Falcon and found Chewy drunk and having a good time with his lady friends.

?Roorada raw raw??

?No, I didn?t have a nice nap, thank you,? I said grouchily. I eyed his lady friends and then him again. His fur was matted and he had obviously had too many. ?Chewbacca? pal? I think you?ve had enough.?

?Raw Roo raw gerah!?

?What do you mean you?re more intelligent when you?ve had a few? You used the bloody coffee machine to cook your Egg McMuffin.?

?Raw raw.?

?Don?t talk about my mother like that. You know she?s a saint. She made us cookies on our last visit.?

?Rooraw!?

?Liar! You lie to me!?

?Rooraw raw raw rooraw!?

?Oh, real mature. ?Liar, liar, pants on fire.? That one?s so old.? Little did I know, I was standing in a bonfire Chewy made, so I was quite literally on fire. It took me until my Spongebob underpants set aflame for me to realize what was occurring. After dousing myself with Egg McMuffin grease, I marched back into the living room, ready to tell Chewy off once and for all. I wasn?t afraid!

?Chewwwwwyyyy? make your friends leave and let?s go play.?

?Raw.?

?What do you mean, ?No?? We?re pals! And now you?re suddenly only interested in getting wasted and shagging??

?Roo.?

?I see. Then I?m afraid I must ask you to leave.?

?Rooraw raw,? Chewbacca said to his women and they all began for the door. ?Raw raw.?

?I said she was a saint, damnit!? And with that, I slammed the door behind them. I didn?t want Chewy to see me cry, so I injected myself with a potion to cause my tear ducts to swell up and explode. They eventually did, but I had to rush to the hospital shortly after.

It was kind of lonely in the hospital. Sure, Jabba visited every now and then, but I always thought he just stopped by for the money (when he really wanted to just talk and see how I was doing, the fat poop). It wasn?t ?til then did I realize I needed Chewy. I turned on the ole TV in my hospital room to see what was on.

The TV went to a commercial. ?Try our new [b]Chewy[/b] granola bar! Jawas love them and will most likely gnaw your bloody kneecaps off just to get them!? I quickly flipped channels. ?Hey, kids,? said a Yoda Muppet, ?it?s time for Star Wars Street. I?m here with Boba the Frog. He?s a bounty hunter. Let?s rhyme words with the word gooey.? Boba smiled behind his helmet. ?Gooey rhymes with [b]Chewy![/b] You hear that, Gavin? [B]CHEWY![/b]?

I screamed. Suddenly, I fell into a deep sleep. I?m not sure what the dream was about, but Jabba was there giving me flowers or something. For once I understood what he said. He spoke, ?Gavin, I love you.?

?Thanks, Jabba.?

?No, you don?t understand. I [I]love[/I] you.?

?Good. I? love you too.?

?No? I [I]love you[/I] love you.?

?Yes, we flippin? know,? shouted an alien. ?You?re gay. God!? Then Jabba began to dance nude.

That?s when I woke up (Thank God). It was dark in my room aside from the door being open. In the doorway stood a silhouette. I couldn?t make it out or make out with it. That is, until it came closer.

?Chewy!? I shouted.

?No, just me,? said Doctor Han Solo. He then injected me with poison for stealing his role in Star Wars. I was scheduled to die in twenty-seven days. But I didn?t care because Chewy was behind Han. He did come back.

?Chewy. Boy, am I glad to see you.?

?Rooraw!? Chewy shouted and hugged me.

?This is such a happy moment,? I sniffed. ?I wish I had tear ducts.?

And so, that?s the story of how I became a lawyer and failed to destroy the moon. Or? wait? no, it was the story of Chewbacca and me. Yeah, that?s it. Chewy and I stayed friends for a long time until he got a role in the film ?Welcoming Mats.? I think he got an Emmy for it. Nevertheless, I knew he?d make it big, even if he smelt like he rolled in a puddle of bad perfume. Lovely singing voice, though. Just lovely.

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[Hevn]

[quote name='Dragon Warrior']I couldn?t make it out or make out with it.[/quote]

[COLOR=Purple][SIZE=1]I had to read that three times. lol

I'm not much of a Star Wars fan but this really was fun all through out. I kinda missed your style of writing since I haven't read much of your works lately.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Kitty]

[quote name='Dragon Warrior']?Yes, we flippin? know,? shouted an alien. ?You?re gay. God!? Then Jabba began to dance nude.[/quote] [color=blue][size=1]You know.. Your stories frighten me sometimes. o.O;;

What a wonderful little tale of you and a Wookie! I loved it! Though there were some oddly strange parts (as always), it was filled with funny.. er.. ness. ^_^ Why don't you take advantage of your infinite, and useless, knowledge of Star Wars more often? You could write miniature libraries of these shorts.

Just an idea. x3[/size][/color]

[Dragon Warrior]

That's an idea I've played around with for a while, but Star Wars parodies are so overdone (not to mention I've done them a million times). Chances are this was just a one time thing. A stroke of genius? :^O

And sorry for the disturbing parts. But you know me; I can't have comedy without a part to make you shudder. Silly gay Jabba.

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[Annie]

[color=indigo]Yeah, that was quite disturbing. Why do I get the mental image of Bam Margera's father in his underwear for Jabba?

Anyway, I liked how Chewy and his pal chatted (the bathroom scene). It was realistic, yet fun. Sorry, but I had to think of Han Solo in that part. Just the way they argued.[/color]

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Heh heh, that was simply great Gavin. Chewie was probably my favourite character in the Old Trilogy, and unlike other stories you've captured his mannerisms and his interactions with you might be akin to what he had with Han. I really enjoyed it, Han's cameo was really good, and your thoughts on Jabba reflect what most people think but wouldn't say.[/SIZE]

[2010DigitalBoy]

I suddenly want to go out and buy a CD by Chewbacka.

That was seriously disturbing. The images of female Wookies and naked Jabba are going to be burned into my mind for the remainder of my existance. Why did it seem like you and Chewy were gay together? Was that just me? I loved the part where Chewy hogs the bathroom. He threw the toilet paper out :laugh:

[Dragon Warrior]

The idea of Chewy and my character was to make it seem like a couple, but not exactly in terms of being gay. If you've ever seen Neil Simon's [b]The Odd Couple[/b], you'd understand what I mean. But yeah, in a sense, it's like they're together, but they're not. Just... yeah...

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[JT Darkfire]

[QUOTE=Dragon Warrior]The idea of Chewy and my character was to make it seem like a couple, but not exactly in terms of being gay. If you've ever seen Neil Simon's [b]The Odd Couple[/b], you'd understand what I mean. But yeah, in a sense, it's like they're together, but they're not. Just... yeah...

[img]http://img131.exs.cx/img131/8930/dwwashere9rz.gif[/img][/QUOTE]
Ah, so that's why it seemed so familiar. I'm a huge Neil Simon fan, and a just as big star wars fan, so the absolute beauty of that piece nearly brought a tear to my eye...

Yep, I always thought that Chewie kind of had a downplayed part in Star Wars, and they never actually mentioned Han Solo's connection with him. Maybe there was a kinky situation involving a certain princess...

Okay, that's enough JT, you're [B]really[/B] starting to creep yourself out...

[Your Mother]

I loved this, man. It was hilarious, probably the funniest of your stories in a long time.

[Dragon Warrior]

Thanks everyone... and a special thanks to Your Mother for a flippin' sweet screen name (keep it real!). And JT, it's good to know someone else is aware of Neil Simon's work (surprisingly, not a lot of people I've mentioned him to knew him). I wasn't really thinking of The Odd Couple while writing this, but after I posted it, I felt it was a good example to explain the relationship between my character and Chewy.

And maybe there's a book on Han Solo and Chewy's past. I bet someone would know in the Star Wars 411 thread :P

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[Gavin]

[QUOTE=Dragon Warrior]And maybe there's a book on Han Solo and Chewy's past. I bet someone would know in the Star Wars 411 thread :P

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[SIZE=1]There's actually a trilogy of books on Han Solo set 10 years before A New Hope, called [B]The Han Solo Trilogy[/B], believe it or not. There's also another series of books called [B]The Han Solo Adventures[/B] set between three and five years before A New Hope. Whether Chewie is in the first set of books I don't know, we do know that Han was originally an Imperial Officer, possibly a Captain, as he is referred to as [I]Captain[/I] Solo by a good number of Imperials and Vader himself.

I remember reading on SW.com that Han was stationed somewhere when Chewie was brought in by Imperial Troops, I don't remember exactly what happened but Han ended up freeing Chewie and deserting his post. He then became a Smuggler and Chewie honoured his sacrifice with a Life Debt, I'll check SW.com and quote what's said. [/SIZE]

[quote][size=1]There is much rumor, speculation, and all-out falsehoods in records of Solo's past. He is the subject of several exploitative holofilms, false documentaries, and at least two bogus autobiographies. According to one account, Han Solo was abandoned by his parents who were rogue travelers and was raised by Wookiees from age seven to twelve.
In truth, Han spent most of his childhood in the service of Garris Shrike, the leader of a trading clan that used abandoned street urchins as beggars and petty thieves. Solo grew up on Shrike's ship, the Trader's Luck, often returning to Corellia for stopovers. Solo was mostly raised by a kindly female Wookiee named Dewlanna, who taught Han compassion as well as the Wookiee language.

Solo longed to learn more about his parents, but Shrike kept all information from him. The only tie to his family Han found was an unscrupulous cousin named Thrackan Sal-Solo, a cruel bully that Solo wanted little to do with.

Young Solo earned his keep for Shrike doing a variety of unsavory jobs. He once joined a pirate group operated by cutthroats Lemo and Sanda. He made a name for himself racing dangerous repulsorlift swoops professionally and on the independent circuit. In these days, Solo made a blood enemy out of a young Corellian swoop jockey named Dengar.

At 19, Solo ran away from Shrike's group of brigands and began working for the Hutts. At the Hutt spice-processing center on the paradise world of Ylesia, Solo fell in love with an enslaved worker named Bria Tharen. Solo rescued Tharen, and destroyed much of the Ylesian operation. The fact that Solo was using an alias at the time -- Vyyk Drago -- spared him the ire of the enraged Hutts.

Solo eventually joined the Imperial Academy, to better himself and his piloting skills. Solo's mentor during his Academy days was Badure, or "Trooper" as he was known. During a training drill, Han performed a daring landing maneuver with an aged U-33 transport that earned him the nickname "Slick." Sometime during his military career Han Solo earned the right to wear the Corellian Bloodstripe.

Despite promising skills, Solo was drummed out of the service when he defied orders and rescued a Wookiee slave, Chewbacca. Solo freed Chewbacca from his captors, and from that day on Chewbacca served as Han's protector and friend.

His military career in shambles, Solo returned to the fringe, joining a smuggling gang run by Roa. It was here that Solo had his first Kessel Run. He traveled with such notorious fringers as Shug Ninx, Mako Spince, Salla Zend, Katya M'Buele, Silver Fyre, Rik Duel and Lando Calrissian.

After winning the Millennium Falcon from Calrissian, Solo and Chewie worked in the Corporate Sector for some time, for crime-bosses like Big Bunji and Ploovo Two-For-One. It was on these assignments that Han often tangled with the Corporate Sector Authority. Han was responsible for destroying the secret Authority prison installation, Star's End, as well as helping expose a slave trade ring that extended to some very prominent Authority execs. Han then joined Badure on an ill-fated search for the lost treasure of Xim the Despot. During this search, Han sustained a knife injury that resulted in the signature scar on his chin.

After a falling out with many of his fellow smugglers, Solo was left stuck on Tatooine with a hefty debt and hunters on his tail. It was then that he took on the charter to Alderaan that resulted in him being inextricably tangled with the Rebellion.

After the Death Star crisis, Han and Chewbacca left the Rebel base at Yavin to pay off his debt to Jabba the Hutt. En route to Tatooine, the Millennium Falcon was waylaid by a pirate force commanded by Crimson Jack. The pirate robbed Solo of his reward money, leaving the two spacers destitute. The pair returned to the Rebel fold, having few options left. During the Alliance's evacuation of the Yavin Base, Solo and Chewbacca helped the Alliance obtain a power gem from the space pirate Raskar. This power gem was instrumental in getting past the Imperial blockade of Yavin.

Solo had some trouble adjusting to life after the Battle of Endor. He nonetheless aided the fledgling Alliance of Free Planets by visiting worlds, petitioning them for membership in the Galactic Congress, an important meeting that would determine the future of galactic government. As the New Republic emerged, Solo continued to be an important contact in the smuggler community, even though many had thought he had gone "respectable" and was no longer one of them.

Solo finally found time to openly express his love for Princess Leia. When Prince Isolder of Hapes appeared on Coruscant, proposing marriage to Leia to better both their governments, Solo sprang into action in typically reckless style. He eloped -- some would say absconded -- with Leia to the planet Dathomir, a world he won in an amazing game of sabacc. Proving his love for her, Han and Leia were wed shortly thereafter, and the couple started a family that would grow to include three children, all powerful in the Force: the twins Jaina and Jacen and the younger Anakin. [/size][/quote]

[SIZE=1]Han Solo, what a guy.[/SIZE]

[Dragon Warrior]

Well, thank you, Mr. Star Wars XD I don't think I'll bother reading that, but I am curious about the Han Solo/Chewy series. But we'll say that for discussion in Star Wars 411. Don't wanna get off topic ;^D

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[Gavin]

[QUOTE=Dragon Warrior]Well, thank you, Mr. Star Wars XD I don't think I'll bother reading that, but I am curious about the Han Solo/Chewy series. But we'll say that for discussion in Star Wars 411. Don't wanna get off topic ;^D

[img]http://img131.exs.cx/img131/8930/dwwashere9rz.gif[/img][/QUOTE]

[SIZE=1]Indeed, we can talk about such things in the 411, but for now just get to work and write another story about you and Chewbacca for us all to enjoy. And perhaps add in a Jedi character who resembles a person with the same name as yourself ;) .[/SIZE]