Writing Tell me what you think [M-VSL]

[duoikari]

Fine is this better, i did give it a rating of R.
Fanfiction rating: S,M, Sexual Theme, Sexual Violence,Mature Humor, Language.

This is a fanfiction that i wrote a while ago, it's based on gundam wing but it has other anime a dn anime charcter featured in it. It's based around Quatre and a pliot they find on a Jovian ship. (Jovians are people who come from the planet Jupiter). It's pretty Self-explanatory, so i won't tell you all the plot. Just read the first chapter and tell me what you think. By the way this is a yaoi story and it is rated at R, but that doesn't come until later on in the story.

Questions & Answers
Chapter one ?Dark stranger?
This is a anime crossover stories that has a bit of an original storyline in it. It takes place in a alternate universe where there are lots of anime mixed together and lots of anime references. But the main focus is on Gundam wing. The story is based around Quatre and is based after a war, this is a yaoi story but I won?t go into it to much you?ll have to read it yourself.

And are story begins

?Why dowe have to come in all the time, just to maintain the Gundams. Can?t Treize hire some maintenance crew to do it?? Duo said to me. ?Oh don?t be silly you know that we are the only authorized people that can maintain the Gundams, besides who knows the Gundams better then us right?? Duo had a silly smirk on his face. He had wanted to send some time with Hidle before she had the baby, he had already missed a hell of a lot of birthing session because he had to write reports on any problems that he found with Deathscythe. His smirk turned into a slight smile, ?Yer, I am the only man for the job ain?t I. If it wasn?t for the fact that I was getting paid for this then I wouldn?t bother at all.? He paused. ?Hey Quatre, what do you do with the money you get?? ?Me? well?I guess it just gets banked into my account?. Thank god, we had reacted the Gundam port; I didn?t like talking about money with the other in case they thought that I was looking down at them or being snobby. Nevertheless, Vegeta wouldn?t, he had more money then any of us. Due to his parents dying when he was young, he was left lots of money and we wasn?t talking thousands even, it was more like millions. Vegeta?s parents were smart enough to transfer all their money into a Juari bank account, instead of keeping it in a Sayian Bank, but even then there weren?t many of them around either. Plus he also had his wife?s money, she and her parents owned a big company on earth called Capsule something and plus the money from he parents, let?s just say he was very rich man.

All of them were married, Heero had settle down and married Relena, as we all knew he would, Duo had married Hidle and they tried for a baby for a long time and she finally fell eight months ago. Although Wufei never said anything to us, we found out later that he had been married to a girl, deep in the mountains district of Juari well before the war with the planet Jupiter. Vegeta lives on earth with his wife and son in her parents house and sadly Trowa had also got married to Catharine early this year against my wishes. But then again it I didn?t matter to him any more he had her and she had him, their was no room for little Quatre. Every time I think about them together I get jealous, the fact that she had something that I couldn?t. After the war I was unfortunately stuck with Dorothy, she followed me around like some broody cat or some ugly dog. Luckily she moved out after I started to push her away from me, it seems to me that she finally got the point and pissed off back to her own family. The guys did try to fix me up with some other girls but it wasn?t what I was looking for?

As Duo and I got closer to the Gundams, I happen to notice that Vegeta was leaning up against the wall waiting for us. Duo ran up to him and I walked behind him, they talked briefly about the wives and how they had been, then I broke off the conversation. ?Vegeta what are you doing here? I thought you only worked on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Why are you in today it?s Friday??
?Treize asked me to come in, there is something important that they found in one of the old Jovian?s ship that we found a couple of days ago.?
?What??
?Apparently their were lot of solider in the ship, but Trieze is interested in one who goes by the name of ?Antonio?, he was being beaten and tortured for unknown reasons on the ship.?
?And how does that make him important to us??
?Well he worked close to the king of Jupiter and he was also part of the special force team that tried to help us win the war, we thought they had all been killed but he seems to be healthy.? Vegeta finished and said that we all had to go to Treize?s office, where Treize was interrogating the solider.

After we had won the war there were countless Jovian soldiers that wanted to stop fighting and go home to see their families, due to the king being so nuts, every man over the age of 12 was asked, sorry forced into the army. The king started to make people hate their own planet, lots of them tried to get off, but all modes of transport were destroyed, and only army cadets were permitted to use any type of transportation. But their was hope for them, a band of people joined together to try to assassinate the king but it didn?t work and all the members of the group were killed. Some member got a way and give the Trieze faction some valuable information on weaknesses in the Jovian army. After the assignation attempt the king decided to create a team of soldiers that would have special abilities, that would make them invincible. They were called the Jovian Special forces and they protected the king at all cost. But when the king?s base was infiltrated the hole Treize Faction had to kill most of the special forces, either that or they killed themselves when they caught sight of the Treize Faction. The Special forces had changed to a band of people trying to save their home, to a bunch of thieves and rapist who made the planet worse. The king was cruel to his own people and charged them high taxes and took most girls into his palace to work or for sex. When they finally got to the king they found him dead with a bullet hole in his head and in his legs, with his son curled up on the floor next to him shaking and covering his eyes. Two days later the son killed himself, for unknown reasons. Most Jovian hated the king so there wasn?t much of an uproar when he did die, lots of people said that he was killed by a Jovian soldier and that his son was innocent. But the planet was still plagued by some rebels, that just wouldn?t let the kings way of life die. There was still trouble on the planet and the crime rate was very high, Juari wouldn?t have the man power to set the planet right, so they left the planet as it was. Lots of Jovian left the planet and started to make lives for themselves on Juari, mostly women who had been beaten or amused fed to Juari for sanctuary or some comfort. The planet also had a high population, that was due to the find that there was lots of women and men raped and there was no contraception available, but Jovian didn?t believe in abortion so they kept the child. There was a few Jovian trying to get into the Treize faction, the were fed up of there own army so they came to Juari to join here, this guy that they were talking about was most properly the same as them.

All three of us made our way to the up to Trieze?s office, which happen to be on the top floor. Duo had got Hidle a job as one of Trieze?s assistants, he had to have quite a few because he was the head of the Trieze Faction and he was assigned to be a part time leader for the Juari army, however he formed the Trieze Faction when the war had begun and served as a protector for the planet Juari. It?s just that if you were a knight you worked for the King or Queen or the princess Ayeka, and your whole life would be bound to them. We got into a lift and we soon reached the top floor, as we went out Duo and Vegeta were talking more about their families.

Vegeta and Duo had always been friends every since they were kids, because Vegeta?s mother and father were sent to a Juarian school they obviously made Juarian friends. That?s where they meet Duo?s mother and father and all of the parents became best friends, but Duo?s mother died when he was six and his father was diagnosed with a weak heart three years later. His father was told never to push himself too hard.

Duo?s father was also a Gundam pilot, in fact he had been the previous pilot of Deathscythe but he had gone into battle even though he knew that his heart couldn?t take the strain. He landed the Gundam back on the ground alright, but they all noticed that he didn?t get out, when the forced the door open they found that he was on death door, he never made it through the night. After that, Vegeta lost touch with him but they met up again 15 years ago just before the war started with the planet Jupiter, his father had also died but he had been killed Freeza and at that time his mother was very sick. Vegeta did have a little brother his name was Tai, but he was very different from Vegeta, Tai was happy go lucky and he would take risk to have a bit of fun. Sadly again another he was killed, but it was by Kagato the evil sorcerer that had broken out of his glass prison and tried to kill off all the sayians that remained. He tried to kill Vegeta, but his little brother defended him causing him to lose his life, but save his brothers. Later on when the war was being waged, Vegeta got concerned for his mother, she had been very poorly when he had left and he was worried for her. Duo got he some leave and he went back to Juari for a month, his mother died on his birthday, he got very depressed and tried to kill himself once. Vegeta loved his mother very much, she was the only female Sayian alive and she was very tough but not tough enough. So he became the same as Duo and Trowa and Heero and Wufai Orphan. Fortunately, my sister was still alive and she was living in father?s house in the rich district of Juari, I had bought a town house near the palace not far from Vegeta?s old house. He used it as a holiday home since he lived on earth now, but if you asked him he would let you stay in one of the spare bedrooms, just as long as you stayed out of his own.

As we approached the room there were several women working at desks with computers, some on them were talking on phones, arranging things for Trieze since he was too busy to do it himself. Overall there must have been about 30 odd girls running around doing his work for him, Hidle had one of the top jobs, she was Trieze?s second assistant when Lady Une wasn?t around. There were big doors that lead into his office; these were decorated with brass door handles that were in the shape of flowers. We went into a room that was linked to the other room but it was much quieter, the room had only two desks one I knew was Hidle?s and the other was of the third in command if Hidle wasn?t able to work, which she wasn?t. She had gone on maternity leave so that she rest up before the baby was born, Duo was afraid that they might lose the baby if she worked too hard so he made her take maternity leave early. The had lost one baby already and Duo said that they would only try once more, if she didn?t fall, then they would adopt.

Heero and Wufai were waiting at the door for us and Trowa was leaning up against Hidle?s desk. ?Where have you guys been, Trieze has been waiting for us this whole time.? Heero said and got off of the chair that Hidle would have sat at. ?I had to come all the way from the mountains to sit and wait here for you guys? Wufai said with a look that could curdle milk. Trowa never spoke at all, he just got up as he caught site off us, he rarely spoke to me but he was fine when the others were around him. ?Are they still in there with the Jovian?? Vegeta asked ignoring all their previous comments, ?Yes, they are still talking to him, but he won?t answer them. In fact, I think he won?t talk at all to any body?. Trowa seem to wake up a bit, he seemed to be deep in thought about something, maybe something had happened between him and Catharine.

?Think he?s scared?? Duo asked, ?Well lets go in and find out, shall we?? and with that Vegeta knocked on the door and waited for a reply.
?Come in,? A voice said, which I instantly recognized as Trieze?s voice, and we all went in.

We presented our self to Trieze who was in the room with two other soldiers dressed in uniform, they were standing either side of the chair where the prisoner was, no wait that was wrong of me to say he wasn?t a prisoner any more he was just a Jovian looking for sanctuary. The chair was beside Trieze?s desk and the man in the chair was scruffy and dirty looking, his hair was thick with grease and grime, plus his clothes were torn and as dirty as his hair. His head seemed to lift a bit as we came in the room, we all stood very still and waited for Trieze to speck. His eyes was blue but he looked extremely dull and soulful, he seemed to look along as staring at us all the time. He especially paid attention to me, staring at me and narrowing his eyes at me. His eyelids grew heavy and his face twitched at one side. He didn?t look like the other soldiers that had join us, they were well dressed and clean but then again he was tortured and beaten. His face didn?t show any expressions of pain but his eyes were the most startling thing about them, he looked very depressed but his eyes were though of a kind and gentle person. His gaze broke off as he blink and he head flopped back down and he looked at the ground. He held his legs tight together and he began to look nervous, glancing at Trieze all the time. Duo was right he was scared but not of us he was frightened of Treize.
pleaes tell me what you think of it!

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=arial narrow][size=2]No, it isn't better. I'm sorry, but you obviously haven't read the Sticky that is up the top of the OB Anthology page; the same one that Dagger linked you to when she closed your previous thread. To quote:

[quote]A thread's rating should be included in it's title, so that members can view the rating of a thread without physically having to open it.[/quote]

Considering the fact that you haven't rated the thread both times you created it, even though you were asked to and directed to the Sticky containing all the rating information, I should close this thread. However, I'm going to take into account that you did [i]attempt[/i] to rate the threads in your post, and keep it open, for now. I will ask that you keep the yaoi warning up the top of the thread and easy to see, as well, and that you do not exceed OB's rules regarding Adult Content [which you can find at the [url=http://www.otakuboards.com/rules.php?][b]Rules Page[/b][/url].

I highly suggest that you read the [url=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313][b]OB Anthology Basics[/b][/url] or any Sticky thread at the top of the forum, before posting. Consider this a warning.


I did skim over your story, and my main advice is to run it through the spell check, or proof read before posting. I came across this little snippet:

[quote]themselves on Juari, mostly women who had been beaten or amused fed to Juari[/quote]

I highly doubt women would flee because they were amused. Unless they were afraid of clowns. ^.~ Also, when writing, I like to use the cliche' of writing: Show, not tell. You seem to be telling us everything that's happening, rather than letting the reader deduce things for themselves. But it isn't a bad effort. Just read the Sticky and the rules, run it through spell check and Show, not tell, and you should do fine.[/font][/size]

[duoikari]

Thanks for the advice. I'm not that good at spelling and i just wanted to know what people thought about it. :animestun You have a very strange rating system, that i can't seem to quite grasp. I don't understand, how do i rate it. do i put the letters or the whole thing. Also i have already written this story, it's just that it is 159 pages and about 24 chapters, so it is very long to check through. :sleep:. But thanks for the advice anyway.