Writing Dis//Believer [M-VS]

[Ezekiel]

[SIZE=3][U][B][CENTER]Dis//Believer[/CENTER][/B][/U][/SIZE][SIZE=2][B][CENTER]Chapter 1[/CENTER][/B][/SIZE] [SIZE=1]Black clouds swirled in London?s expanse of sky, a terrible thing to see on what was supposed to be a summer day. The streets were beginning to clear despite the fact that it was a Saturday afternoon. People didn?t like it when the weather changed liked this-it was never a sign of good things to come. Some people, unlucky enough to have those demanding jobs that required attention no matter what day began to make their way back to their offices as lunch came to a close and the first drops of abnormal rain began to fall. A young woman, only in her early twenties, dipped her head as she walked through what turned into a torrential downpour. She saw the law courts up ahead and began jogging for the door, her black suit-jacket and skirt sticking to her milky white skin. She shook her head and water flew from her red hair as a puddle began to pool around her feet. She shuddered and looked up to see many other wet and unhappy faces. It would most definitely be a very long day. As the afternoon dragged on the rain seemed to worsen and by five-o?clock a flood warning had been issued for those residents in low-lying areas. The redheaded woman sat in court, her key witness being cross-referenced by the defence as she waited patiently to ask those key questions that would no doubt win her this case. Another win would be brilliant, she thought, only a few months out of law school and she had managed to defeat one of the most prominent lawyers in what would go down in the books as one of the most phenomenal cases of all time. She cast her mind back to last month when the jury had announced their verdict. Mark Simmons, a Satanist and the murderer of at least ten children, was convicted as guilty to serve his life in solitary confinement without the consideration of bail. He had brutally tortured and finally murdered those children in an act of what he called ?an appreciation for my Dark Lord?. It was a sacrifice and a blood bath. All ten children had had their heart calved out of their chests while they were still alive and acutely aware of what was happening to them. All showed signs of bedsores, showing that they had been tied down for a long time without being able to move. They showed signs of malnutrition but high levels of alcohol and drugs in their blood. This man, this monster, had kept these children for three months at the least and had kept them tied to a bed, giving them barely any food while only letting them drink alcohol and forcing them drugs. He had raped the girls, the youngest of which was a mere five years old, and he had tortured all of the boys until many of them had passed out from blood loss, only to be revived once against by a badly carried out blood transfusion. Eventually Narcotics managed to track him down on the charges of drug use and dealing, only to find the bodies of seven boys and girls in the process of decay in Simmons? front lounge?the other bodies had been buried. The case was one that the young lawyer could not possibly lose, though she still couldn?t fathom why she had been put on such a case, one that had rocked the media and indeed most of the United Kingdom and even parts of America. Because of her ?sensational? win against one Murray Cook, she had become somewhat of an international celebrity, appearing on a couple of talk shows even in America. But now was the present and lately the young lawyer had been getting?chills, was the best way to describe it. She always felt like someone was watching her?knowing every move she made even though that was an impossibility. That kind of paranoia was something she?d experienced since she was fourteen, thought back then it was monsters under her bed rather than cold-blooded murderers that were with her all the time. Mark Simmons had frightened, no, terrified her. He seemed to be the epitome of evil and he was just a normal man. Yes, terrorist attacks still occurred, wars were being fought but this man was just a normal person. He could have been anyone and that was what had scared every parent in the country. [B]?Miss Nesbitt, are you going to come up here and speak to this witness or are you going to be dreaming all day?? [/B] All eyes were on the redhead and she felt a hot flush cross her cheeks as she stood, her skirt still sticking to her legs from the damp. [B]?Uh?my apologies, your Honour.? [/B] The judge rolled his eyes and swept his hand impatiently over the witness stand. Miss Nesbitt, known to her friends as Jamie, walked over to her witness and smiled politely before starting her question. As she opened her mouth a loud crash of thunder sounded outside. A few seconds later lightning lit up the windows with a crack?then, all went black[/SIZE].

[RIGHT][SIZE=1]And there we have it. In case anyone was wondering about the title you?ll?.heh, you?ll have to carry on reading to find out. It should become clear in the next chapter.

I?m trying to keep the chapters at a reasonable length so people don?t get put off, but there?s so much more I wanted to put into this. ^_^;;

This story will no doubt have more gory bits along the way but it?s also going to have a lot involving religion, God, specifically. If you?re put off by something like that then please don?t read on and flame me.

I watched the show Revelations on Tuesday and I?m hooked?this story is loosely based around that.

Comments and criticisms are much appreciated ^_^.[/SIZE][/RIGHT]

[Raiyuu]

[color=DarkGreen][size=1]I'm intrigued. You've done a great job of setting up enough questions to bring me back for more, lol. Is the so-far glossed-over Murray Cook case going to be significant? Is what Jamie's feeling more than paranoia? And what just happened, at the end there?

I'm not sure whether to be worried about your ability to describe Simmons' atrocities with such clinical impassion. You've certainly achieved the shock value, and what's more, once you've started, you're relentless, more and more gory details coming at me. It gave me that feeling of morbid interest, where what you're seeing is unpleasant, but you [i]just - can't - tear - your - eyes - away...

[/i]The tiniest little error:
[quote name='Delacroix][/size][/color][color=#000000][size=1]All ten children had had their heart calved out of their chests[/size][/color][color=DarkGreen][size=1][color=Black']...[/color][/quote]
It should read, "All ten children had had their [b]hearts carved [/b]out of their chests".

I can't believe I just typed that sentence. Keep 'em coming!
[/size][/color]

[JJ]

[Color=DarkBlue]You know, Miss D-name that ends with an X, you're stories have always kept my intrest.

This one is no exception with this horrible image I have in my head of seven children rotting. *shudder*

I have a feeling I know where this is going, but I'll keep my fingers crossed the next part is coming.[/color]

[Muad'Dib]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]Dis.... Roman God of the underworld, yes? Huh... interesting choice.

Right, anyway, the story; I think it's started off rather well, and not just because of all the nice bloody bits. Though, when you think about it, there isn't a lot of detailed description of the main character, it still seems like she's described pretty nicely. I guess it's the integration of action and description... Ex.: "...black suit-jacket and skirt sticking to her [U]milky white skin[/U]."

It looks like it's gonna turn out real good Jamie-san. Can't wait to see where it goes. Enough of my useless babbling... Next Chapter! NOW![/COLOR][/FONT]

[Guest Sean]

[SIZE=1]Jamie, this is amazing, I mean it, this is pure excellence, I have to say that I like this more than your OB parody, and that was pretty damn good.

Critiscm, well, I think you tried to squeeze a little too much into a short amount of writing, I think you've told us a little too much, there isn't anything wrong with doing that, but I think if you spread it out then you could have a more even surface.

But again, with this being said, you've pulled off something great, and I can't wait for the next part. Go Jim Jam!

^_^[/SIZE]

[Ezekiel]

[CENTER][SIZE=2][B]Chapter 2[/B][/SIZE][/CENTER] [SIZE=1]The law courts were set ablaze, billowing columns of black smoke rose into the evening sky, mixing with the already ominous storm clouds that gathered over-head. People screamed as they were pulled from the wreckage of the building, the fire brigade had arrived and while the rain was heavy, it was a difficult task to beat back the roaring flames. People who had seen what had happened just could not believe it?not one lighting bolt, but three had hit the building one after the after. The sky had gone black, the sun completely covered and that thunder was deafening as the law courts were decimated by what seemed to be an impossible act of nature. The back of the building was largely untouched, only one room had been hit by a bolt of lightning, the first one to strike to courts. This room was not on fire but judging by the panic inside it might as well have been. Jamie Nesbitt lay face up in front of the witness stand, her green eyes wide and staring?blank as they were. She had fallen unconscious as the bolt of lightning hit her dead on, she was not thrown and she did not even looked burnt, people were still trying to figure out what exactly had happened. The young lawyer?s arms were at her sides and her legs were tightly together, some religious fanatics may have said that she looked like Jesus on the cross. The witness on the stand was in shock, the judge was in hysterics and most of the jury had fled via the emergency exit. As the paramedics entered the room a silence dropped over the crowd and they parted to let the men through, helping all they could with lifting the lawyer onto a gurney. She was carried away and ushered out of a back exit seeing as the reporters would be swarming to the courts like vultures by now. The ambulance sirens roared and all those who had been injured were taken to the nearest hospital. That afternoon would not be forgotten and in an hour?s time the terrible news had spread across the whole country striking panic into every household. The next day dawned bright and sunny, the polar opposite of what yesterday afternoon had brought to London. Sunlight filtered through vertical blinds covering the double-glazed hospital window and cast lines of light across Jamie Nesbitt?s face. Her pulse was stable; everything seemed to be in working order with her brain, basically?she was a medical miracle. At least, that?s what the doctors believed at first. After they had managed to stabilise Jamie, the nurses had given her a sponge bath and they found a strange shaped burn on her chest a few inches below her collarbone. The burn was still hot and pink; the skin around pulled taught showing it was only a few hours old and very, very bad. The mark was in the shape of a crucifix, though the lawyer did not have one around her neck when her body was taken in. Once the doctors found this mark they sent out a search squad, which returned no more than twenty minutes later with a burnt-black crucifix, the chain snapped and frail. They then came to the conclusion that this woman was incredibly lucky and horribly unfortunate at the same time. While the lightning had struck her crucifix and therefore protected her actual body from being hit, they also had to assume that she would not have been struck if she weren?t wearing the crucifix. It all came down to literally being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Never the less, she was alive and perfectly healthy and would soon come around from her unconscious state ready to leave the next day. As the young woman lay in her bed, alone and at peace with the sun on her face, her brain activity suddenly shot up along with her pulse. She lurched forward, a sentence of what seemed to be an ancient language falling from her lips as her eyes shot wide open. The nurses rushed in and grabbed her arms, trying desperately to hold her still while she calmed herself down. Then, as quickly as it had begun, Jamie was still again and she slumped back to the bed unconscious, leaving the nurses shaking and scared.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=1]Eew, icky filler chapter. >.< Sorry, but it had to be done, this has set me up for a good and interesting chapter three so I apologize if it sucked and has left you all in the dark about what the hell is going on.

Dis is not a God of the underworld, I have learnt something new (^_~), if you see where I put the ?//? it makes the word ?Disbeliever? split in two. You?ll see why in the next chapter. Eh heh.

Thank you everyone for your comments, it?s really nice to know people like my stories. ^_^[/SIZE]

[Raiyuu]

[color=DarkGreen][size=1]You're right, this one isn't as great as the first. A lot of the sentences seem like simple exposition and there's not a lot of emotional material for us to lap up. But you've acknowledged that it's a filler chapter; I appreciate you keeping the chapters short, and if it makes for a more enjoyable chapter three then I say all the better. Bring it on.[/size][/color]