Writing 1337 Invasion! (E)

[Leofski]

The "Has OB been n00bed?" thread in Otaku lounge got me thinking whatif the 1337 actually invaded the board. Here's the result of twenty minutes or so quick writing. I'll try to finish it in the next couple of days.


Leofski sighed heavily. Things weren?t easy on the front lines without a mod rod, but Blackjack had dragged him out to the frontier to battle the 1337 invasion. It was tough fighting daily for the right to use correct punctuation, doing battle to maintain proper spelling. As Blackjack?s second in command, he was expected to maintain order in a group of newbs gathered from across the correctly-spelling forums. Normally this wasn?t too much bother, with them being too intimidated by the regulars to risk their wrath, but on certain subjects they just couldn?t cope and rabid fanboyism bordered on 1337ness . So far he?d had to send three for court-moderation, once for failing to classify their thread, and twice for poor spelling and punctuation in the face of the enemy. In each case they?d been politely chastised, before being sent back to the front. Some of the hardliners said that this was unacceptable, that such behaviour, even from fresh newbs, should be dealt with more harshly, but they needed everyone they could get to push back the ?PH34R50M3 PH0RC35 0F1337NE55? as the enemy had taken to calling themselves. The enemy had password protected their headquarters and outnumbered the forces of the punctuating world by tens to one, but still pockets of stoic resistance survived around the web.

Their squad got in to position just before the deadline. Although they had got less predictable since the advent of widespread broadband, the 1337 usually staged their major attack at 6pm, the start of off-peak dial-up. Sure enough, on the hour a vast wave of obnoxious adolescents appeared and charged towards their position as they moved in to range, Leofski begun to hear their garbled posts, rattling off the registration requirement of the board, ?Ph34r m3?s, ?H4xx0r5? and ?m4d 5k1((2? filling the air. It wouldn?t be long until one of them broke through. ?Watch and post!? ordered Blackjack, above the clamour of the 1337 and the sobbing of fresh troops entering the first battle. Sure enough, a particularly nasty obnoxious adolescent, got through wailing ?PH34R MY 1337 H4X5K1((2!?. The troops were on to him like a flash, politely asking him to desist, slowing him down until a moderator could bring their mighty rod to bear, locking the boy down until he faded away. There was no time to be cheered by his removal though, as through the rent he had torn through the outpost?s defences poured hundreds of ?1337R00P3R5?, commanded by around ten of the terrible ?H4XX0R5?. Around Leofski, a few troops fell to the 1337 onslaught, the squad pinned down by a flurry of ?PH34R5?, the board therapist doing what they good, trying to restore the damaged to their former selves. Blackjack fought desperately to restore order while simultaneously keeping up a barrage of mod rod fire at the oncoming foe. The artillery fire from behind their lines was beginning to reap a heavy toll, James and Dagger changing tens of ?F34R50M3 D34TH K1((3R5? in to "fluffy bunnies" with their name changing powers. The battle appeared to be heading in the direction of the Otaku Outpost forces until the ?H4XX0R5? broke through the lines knocking out an entire elite board on their way, challenging the command squad to counterstrike, bricking that section of the battlefield to a standstill as the ?H4XX0R5? waited impatiently for the commanders to install half-life, firing a violent volley of vowel-less insults at nearby troops.