Ima Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Well I really just always wanted to write a short story about somthing that just came to me so here it gose... It was early moring, The wandering samurai has been walking in the desert for around 4 days with little food and water. When all of a sudden the samurai with no name heard a loud screech. This out of place screech caught the samurai's attention, he then ran as fast as possible toward this abrupt noise. When he reached the scene what he was was murder, five men lie dead on the ground while a pretty young women sat there watching her husband bleed to death. The samurai noticed six other men with swords drawn standing with there backs to the samurai. The samurai then withdrew his sword and called out a two words. The six men turned around suddenly and noticed the samurai, When a(n) abnormally large man turned and looked dead into the samurai's black eyes. As the man put away his sword three of the six men stepped up and charged, the three others turned there backs but before they could turn around and say a word the Samurai with black eyes had taken care of the three men and was charging toward the others. But before he reached the men he stopped. The men looked horrified and fear was in there eyes. These men know knew who they had messed with, he was the most feared samurai in the world. He was 5foot 11inchs tall and his eyes spoke for him. He was built like a figther and his body had battle wounds all over it, and if the legend was true he had killed 100's of men. The large man then withdrew his monster sword and charged but before he could act his body was split into 5 diffrent pieces. The samurai then said "If you wish to live I suggest you run now" and as these words were spoken the men had dropped there swords and ran as fast as possible the opposite direction of the samurai. The samurai then turned to the women and said I am sorry for your loss but you are safe now. And as soon as the samurai had appeared he was gone. Lots of run on sentences Not the greatest story and there are many miss pronounced words and words not used right punctuation in not the greatest. Short story but I don't have much time and this is more of a test. This is alot based of Kenshin Himura but it has its own twist. Please dont go soft and tell me how bad or good you thought it was since this is my first story and I was never really interested in writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra II Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Actually, that wasn't to bad of a short story. However, there are some things missing .I won't go into grammer (I hate grammer), but I am pretty good at refrasing things to sound better, so here goes: [Quote] It was early moring, The wandering samurai has been walking in the desert for around 4 days with little food and water.[/Quote] How about "The sun dawned on the samuria's fourth day in the desert. With only four rice balls and a canteena to last him on his journey, he had had to ration his suplies, so in the desert sunrise, he was hot, thirsty, and hungry." the next line: Suddenly, breaking the calm monotony of the desert heat, came a blood-curdling sceech. ect. I could go on, but I'd take up half the page. So to be honest with you, you've gota good setting, but the sentences need to be more in detail. As for the figth scenes, explain how he does it, how his arm moves, what position the previous attack put him in and the best course of action given the situation ect. Sorry for going on and on, but I'm wrighting a story too, (though its a novel) and I need practice constructively critisizing others. I hope it helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 [size=2][font=arial narrow]All threads in OB Anthology must be rated for maturity. To learn more about that, please see the [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313][b]OB Anthology Basics[/b][/url] thread. Any thread that is not rated must be closed, however, you may feel free to re-create the thread with the appropriate rating. ^.^ Thread Closed.[/font][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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