Big relationship problem

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[color=darkviolet]Hi, I know that really this isn't the place for getting emotional help and everything. I also know that the vast majority of people have never experianced this type of problem, but I figured I'd try anyway.

As most of you know I'm married, well if my husband has his way and doesn't remove his head from his butt I won't be for too much longer. He wants to get a divoce because suddenly he wants his life back. He doesn't want to deal with me and except for weekends he doesn't want to deal with our daughter.

Now I admit that I'm not an easy person to deal with all the time, I lied once about money but I appologized for that. and I'm a bit of a slob. But I'm changing that. I have a daughter to take care of and I'm trying to find a job and pay the bills. Basically I do everything he wants me to do, but it's not enough because after a 5 year relationship and nearly 3 years of marriage (most of which involved him being in Iraq.) he wants his life back. I still have everything I've had for the past year, but he wants [i]his[/i] life back. Apparently abby and I aren't worth his time any more.

I offered to try a six month trial separation to see how we do. I asked him to try and give me another chance. I said we could try concelling and a financial planner. All he told me is he's thought about it since he got back to Texas and the lawyer he spoke to will charge $850 for an uncontested divorce. Our whole relationship is only worth $850. That wouldn't even buy one of our vehicles or a year of diapers. But it's worth the end of our marriage. Oh, it's $1500 or more for a contested divorce.

So I'm asking. Is he just being rash? Or am I just too afraid that I won't find someone else and unwilling to let go? I still think these reasons that he wants a divorce are rather pointless and solvable if he removes his head from his butt.[/color]

[Goodbye, Face]

Well, I'm not the best person to answer, I'm sixteen, but I think it's all his problems and not yours, so don't fault yourself. The only real problem I see with getting divorced is your daughter. Getting a divorce will probably hurt her. You should try to figure out how to compromise with him.

[Semjaza]

I'm not really getting much out of what you actually feel about the idea of a divorce besides the monetary value it indirectly puts on your marriage. Do you actually want to be with this guy anymore? I honestly can't tell one way or another from what you've written here (I'm sorry if it's been explained before, I don't usually keep up on these types of threads).

He's obviously going to try his best to go through with an uncontested divorce for obvious reasons. If I was in your situation, I'd make it all as difficult as possible for him. You've been waiting around for him to return and then he drops that? I think that's pretty scummy. He should have realized more about what he was getting into beforehand because something such as "I want my life back" is a thought that obviously does not involve any of the remote best interests of a wife and child. It's incredibly selfish, really. I suppose it depends on any other problems going on, though, which I have no idea about.

[Minako]

Though I'm only 17, I have to disagree with some people in this thread for saying that you should stay together for your daughter. My own parents are doing that, clearly, they don't love each other anymore, and it hurts me sometimes. There have been times that I wish that they would just get a divorce so that we can all be happy again. Get this, I WISHED MY PARENTS TO GET A DIVORCE! Do you really want your daughter to feel the strain between you two? Do you want her to want you to get a divorce? Though, I don't know how old she is. If she's too young to understand, it might be different. But if she's old enough to understand when two people have tension between them (It happened to me, I think, when I was 8 or 9), then you should think about it.

The whole reason he wants to leave is pretty selfish though. I do agree to the slightest degree that, yes, after fighting in Iraq, he needs to have his own life. But that life should be with you and your daughter.

[SunfallE]

[QUOTE=ChibiHorsewoman][color=darkviolet]Hi, I know that really this isn't the place for getting emotional help and everything. I also know that the vast majority of people have never experianced this type of problem, but I figured I'd try anyway.

As most of you know I'm married, well if my husband has his way and doesn't remove his head from his butt I won't be for too much longer. He wants to get a divoce because suddenly he wants his life back. He doesn't want to deal with me and except for weekends he doesn't want to deal with our daughter.

Now I admit that I'm not an easy person to deal with all the time, I lied once about money but I appologized for that. and I'm a bit of a slob. But I'm changing that. I have a daughter to take care of and I'm trying to find a job and pay the bills. Basically I do everything he wants me to do, but it's not enough because after a 5 year relationship and nearly 3 years of marriage (most of which involved him being in Iraq.) he wants his life back. I still have everything I've had for the past year, but he wants [i]his[/i] life back. Apparently abby and I aren't worth his time any more.

I offered to try a six month trial separation to see how we do. I asked him to try and give me another chance. I said we could try concelling and a financial planner. All he told me is he's thought about it since he got back to Texas and the lawyer he spoke to will charge $850 for an uncontested divorce. Our whole relationship is only worth $850. That wouldn't even buy one of our vehicles or a year of diapers. But it's worth the end of our marriage. Oh, it's $1500 or more for a contested divorce.

So I'm asking. Is he just being rash? Or am I just too afraid that I won't find someone else and unwilling to let go? I still think these reasons that he wants a divorce are rather pointless and solvable if he removes his head from his butt.[/color][/QUOTE]

Personally I think he needs to get some counseling before making such a huge decision. If I am understanding you correctly it sounds like between being in Iraq and the responsibility of being a father, he is feeling very overwhelmed by all the responsibility that comes with it. And to be blunt it sounds like he may be freaking over the weight of being so responsible. I mean being married and having a kid to care for is a life long commitment.

Now by Iraq I am assuming he was serving in the military, correct me if I'm wrong, but he may also have seen or experianced something unsettling while being there and that too could make him feel like he has lost control of his life. And wanting to divorce you is one of the few things he proably can control. Even if it's unrelated.

Basically I think he is being to rash. I say this because my best friend who is married with two kids is going through something similar with her husband as well. Forchantely he is making the effort and going to counseling so I'm hoping things work out well for them.

Without knowing more details, this is what I think. Yes he is being to rash, and no, you are not overreacting.

[Bloodseeker]

Yeah, just leave him be so that he can convince himself that he should go back! Its just like leaving it in the hands of the judges... probably not the best idea.

What do I reccomend? Take that $850 and put it towards a vacation. Ask your best friend to take care of the kid for a while, and head over to a place where the two of you can relax and have fun. Hawaii is definitely not overrated, if he likes that sort of thing. And there's plenty of places to see on the continental US too... the national parks, the monuments of Washington DC, the nightlife of Las Vegas, the amusement parks at Los Angelus and Orlando...

Another thing, if you have any other really bad habbits, like drinking or smoking, quit. I know from my dad's experiences that those sorts of things can destroy a relationship. Also, you said that you aren't always the easiest to get along with. Try harder to relax and get rid of any emotional problems. High strung emotions can really kill a woman in the eyes of a man...

[Morpheus]

Lincoln(that's her husband's name for those of you that don't know) obviously has no clue just how much of his life he'll get back. He'll pay enough child support to thwart anything he wants to do.

Counseling is definately the way to go. Doesn't he understand that he can still do the things he used to do? Though having a baby makes things hard you have shown that if needed you could do things all by yourself.

He is acting on pure impulse, in much the same way a rabid shopper buys clothes. Within a few days, the clothes are returned because that's not what the shopper wanted.

If he won't go to counseling, then lightly let up on your limits on him and let him get closer to the lifestyle he wants. Once he realizes that he can have what he wants and have responsibilities at the same time he might understand.

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[quote name='Minako'] don't love each other anymore.[/quote]

[color=darkviolet]You know what the dumb thing is? He says he still loves me. He even said he wants this to end amicably. Though I can't figure out how he expects that doing this whole thing over the phone

I think part of the way I can stop this is just try to have a normal conversation. You see, back when he was still in Iraq and I told him about the lying about the money thing, he wanted a divorce right then and now. But one day/night he called after a meeting he had to go to for dealing with your children when you get back from Iraq. We had a nice normal conversation about normal things. Nothing about our relationship or how I'm going to change. He's actually tried that a few times (well except for this afternoon when he called about the lawyer thing) but then I want to get to the heart of the matter.

So I think that if he calls tomorrow I'll ask him about the new System of a Down CD and if he burned my copy of Fuel's Natural Selection CD. THen take it from there.

But Morpeus is right, he won't have much of a life to live with child support and the fact that he has to try and have a relationship with our daughter. Good luck with that when you're 1.) Across the state and 2.) working 12 hour days. He's only see her every other weekend.

So I still appreciate your advice. And support if this goes down.[/color]

[Pumpkin]

[QUOTE=Minako]Though I'm only 17, I have to disagree with some people in this thread for saying that you should stay together for your daughter. My own parents are doing that, clearly, they don't love each other anymore, and it hurts me sometimes. There have been times that I wish that they would just get a divorce so that we can all be happy again. Get this, I WISHED MY PARENTS TO GET A DIVORCE! Do you really want your daughter to feel the strain between you two? Do you want her to want you to get a divorce? Though, I don't know how old she is. If she's too young to understand, it might be different. But if she's old enough to understand when two people have tension between them (It happened to me, I think, when I was 8 or 9), then you should think about it.

The whole reason he wants to leave is pretty selfish though. I do agree to the slightest degree that, yes, after fighting in Iraq, he needs to have his own life. But that life should be with you and your daughter.[/QUOTE]

[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR="#990033"][b]Sorry but I have to agree with Minako on a certain extent and disagree with CowTipper. NEVER think that you should stay together for the child. If your daughter is young yes it will effect her less then when shes older, but its even worse if you decide to stay together just for your child. I knew a girl who's parents waited until she graduated and that split, it affected her more. It's not the smartest decision to do.

[QUOTE=ChibiHorsewoman][color=darkviolet]You know what the dumb thing is? He says he still loves me. He even said he wants this to end amicably. Though I can't figure out how he expects that doing this whole thing over the phone

I think part of the way I can stop this is just try to have a normal conversation. You see, back when he was still in Iraq and I told him about the lying about the money thing, he wanted a divorce right then and now. But one day/night he called after a meeting he had to go to for dealing with your children when you get back from Iraq. We had a nice normal conversation about normal things. Nothing about our relationship or how I'm going to change. He's actually tried that a few times (well except for this afternoon when he called about the lawyer thing) but then I want to get to the heart of the matter.

So I think that if he calls tomorrow I'll ask him about the new System of a Down CD and if he burned my copy of Fuel's Natural Selection CD. THen take it from there.

But Morpeus is right, he won't have much of a life to live with child support and the fact that he has to try and have a relationship with our daughter. Good luck with that when you're 1.) Across the state and 2.) working 12 hour days. He's only see her every other weekend.

So I still appreciate your advice. And support if this goes down.[/color][/QUOTE]

I'm sure he does still say he loves you. And I believe that it is true. Sounds to me, that what he is going through is a mid-life crisis. You don't always have to be in your 50's to go through something like this. All men (and women in their own way) go through it. Some buy fancy cars. Some want to divorce their wives and feel they need to "Start over". Maybe its a phase he's going through since he got back from Iraq he feels the need to start over.

One things for sure, you should never blame yourself for anything. It is not your fault. I guess you could say I believe in a man should love you for who you are, and your faults. You should never try and change yourself. It's an easy thing to get use to, but never blame yourself. Marriage is about committment, accepting the mistakes, and the other half's faults. He should be open to you about why he wants this divorce besides "I want my life back". You should tell him leaving his daughter and wife, is not going to make his life any easier.

I guess you could say, I have a twisted view of men. But my family is going through something like this as well. My dad feels that he's not enjoying his life, so instead he quit his company, leaving my mom who was his partner, jobless. His excuse? "I work hard every day and no one appreciates anything. You all just want my money." and he tries to sell all my mother's things that she keeps in the house. My mom still is left with no job at the age of 50. He wants to move to Hawaii for half the year too without my mom to "Get away from it all". Strange? Yes. Most families fight because they don't have ANY money. Ironically, we fought because he thought we had too much money. I really don't quite understand it myself. Now I know you think this doesn't relate to divorce, but in a way its the same thing.

Identity Crisis. Probably from coming back from Iraq, he's lost as to who he is right now. I would suggest counceling, it will definately help him with dealing with what troubles him or what he wants to do with his life. Its good to show support and its okay to try not to get a divorce. But if it indeed happens, you should never again blame yourself for it.

My mother worries constantly of my father leaving her. Would you rather live your life afraid every moment that your partner is going to leave you and you'll be stuck alone? Or would you rather not have that fear? The anwser is obvious. It's better to be alone and happy then to be together and having the fear of the relationship falling apart constantly. I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for the best. I hope he finally realises the mistake hes making, but if not, just know that it's not the end of the world. And you will move on. Most likely, he'll be wanting you back very very soon. Hope it works out CHW! *hugs* ^^

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[Delta]

[COLOR=#7C0201]I'm no psychologist but I remember hearing about a psychological disorder called [b]Chechen sydrome[/b]. It's a derivative of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Read more about it [URL=http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/facts/general/fs_what_is_ptsd.html]here[/URL]. I'm pretty sure your husband knows about it. Hit a lot Vietnam vets, it did).

[INDENT]"They suffer disrupted sleep, for example, family problems, personal problems, alcoholism. When you are in Chechnya, you are always reassessing your values. You start to reassess many of the events in your life,"
[RIGHT]-Olessa Reva (psychologist), in a correspondence with [URL=http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/monitoring/media_reports/1957626.stm]BBC[/URL][/RIGHT][/INDENT]

From what I gather, your Lincoln hasn't displayed symptoms of violent outbursts so it's probably not CS. But he may be going through the "reassessment" part (thinking along the lines of "live more fully b/c you might be killed in theext second.") So yeah, perhaps seeking help from counselors and those who understand PTSD might help. The first site has something about Readjustment Counselling Service Veteran Centers so maybe you could look up the nearest one in your area.

But really, CHW, I think you and Lincoln should stay together. This might sound cheesy but everytime you mention him in your posts, I feel the love, you know? He says he loves you still so maybe the guy's just confused. The war just messed with his head. You can help him through this one, CHW. Just hang on, okay?[/COLOR]

[elfpirate]

[font=Comic Sans MS][b]Wow, CHW-- that is a serious question for OB.:animeswea

I think Lincoln's excuse ("I want my life back") is a bit on the selfish side, yes, but I doubt that that's all there is to it.

You said he's been thinking about it since his return-- so he's had that time to put it into the words "I want my life back"... which may mean more than that. Guys can sometimes have issues with telling the woman they care about what they really mean...out of fear of "a woman's wrath" -hahaha. Oh--sorry--it's not really a laughing matter... but you know what I mean...I hope. :animeswea

I don't have the slightest idea what you two have been through in your relationship outside of having a child and being separated while he was in Iraq, but I do agree that counseling --for both of you-- is in your best interest.

Even if it doesn't change his mind about divorce, it can help you to understand what drove his head up his butt to begin with... and to deal with a divorce, if it's emminent.

Your little one will learn by example-- I think it would be far worse to teach her to stay with someone that doesn't want to be with her than it would be to put her through the divorce of her parents.

Speaking from my own experience-- I'm really glad my parents finally divorced. It was hell to have them fighting all of the time.
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[Kamuro]

[SIZE=1]First off, I'd like to express condolences for such a large problem in your life. You seem like a perfectly nice person and I hate to see bad things happen to good people.

I think your husbands excuse is just that, an excuse. A cop-out, if you will. I think hes just become bored and thinks its your fault. He feels trapped in the relationship and he wants to get out. Well, this brings me to the cliche "the grass is always greener." He believes leaving you will solve all his problems, however, it will do just the opposite. It will create more problems for himself. Meaningless relationships will leave him wishing he was with you and hadn't ruined the greatest thing he ever had. True love comes along once in a lifetime and I suggest you make sure hes willing to live with the consequences of leaving.

Tell him how you feel, and if he leaves, then he won't be coming back. If hes smart at all, his epiphany will lead him to stay. However, if he still insists on leaving, then let him go. I know its hard, after working so hard to create a relationship, especially concerning your little girl. But its best for her and for you to let him go if he wants to go. Its worse for him to stay and be unhappy, because his unhappiness will spread to you and your daughter. She needs a positive role model, and a stand-up man to look up to in her life. If he wants to leave, then let him go, and when his daughter is grown and resents him for doing so, he'll be full of regret and wish he hadn't left the ones who truly loved him.[/SIZE]