Writing The Samurai [PG-13]

[Ima]

It was early morning, the sun just comming over the mountains on either side. Two men are standing over a dead wolfs body, both men are laughing. The first man starts to speak "We are rich this wolf's coat will be worth so much" the second man then says "We can turn the reward in and then take the coat and the money" Both men turn, but see nothing. The man pulls out his gun and keeps it close, the second man dose the same. Then out of Nowhere a person appears. The samurai built like a fighter, Tall and rough looking, he is covered with battle scars. Both men ask "What do you want?" The samurai says nothing. Both men are now pointing there guns at the samurai, he pulls out his sword swiftly. The two man start to laugh "What are you going to do with that?" You can hear them laugh, but before we can hear the end of the laughing both men lie dead on the ground one man cut into 4 pieces and the other with his head chopped off. The samurai acted so smooth and quick that the men had no time to react, The samurai smooth and quick with his sword the blade moved as if there was nothing in his hands, He was incredibly fast and light on his feet. The samurai looked down at the men and then turned to the wolf, he looked down at the wolf and turned his head. He then put his sword back in his sheath. And walked away.
It is late night we see the samurai again, he is sitting in a bar. We can hear laughter in the backround but the samurai seems to ignore it. A man then comes and sits next to him, the man asks for a drink and starts to talk to the barkeep. He then said "Did you hear about those two men and that wolf?" The barkeep respondes as if he did not. The man said "Yes it was horrible, One man cut into four pieces and the other with his head chopped off." There is a pause "But this is the strange thing both of these men are some of the best shots in this part of the region." The man gets up and walked away. As we turn to the samurai we can see he has his hand on his sword, ready to strike. The samurai gets up and walks away. As he leaves the bar 5 men confront him. One of the men speaks "You are the only Guy around here with a sword that we've seen in awhile. The samurai respondes we finally get to hear his voice. Softly he says "I am a samurai please call me by my proper name." the man then says with a laugh in his voice "Haha, oh Im sorry Mr.Samurai" The samurai then walks past the five men and keep on going. But the samurai stops abruptly. We can hear five guns make a clicking noise. The samurai turns around and pulls his sword out elegantly. The five men laugh and you can hear "he's going to fight us with that?". The samurai charges and the men start to fire but nothing is hitting him he moves so quick and swiftly, two of the men seemed stunned and frozen in place. The samurai swiftly chops off the man who had spoken first at the begining of the confrontation. The men are empty, None of them try to reload, they all just stand there. Looking frightened one of the four men left drops his gun and makes a run for it. As soon as he had taken a step backwards the mans legs were gone. He sat there screaming, bleeding to death. The other three men just sat there. What seemed like an hour was less than a minute. Two men lie dead and three pleading for there life. A tall figure walked out of the darkness, the man had no weapons and it was obvious he was not armed. But as soon as we take our eyes off the three men and the samurai, the three men just collapse and are no longer breathing. The samurai puts his sword away. The tall dark figure speaks "Why do you waste your time on such...." But the samurai finished the sentence "They killed my wolf." The man then looked at the samurai and smiled. He started to laugh hysterically.

Continued:

It is now two weeks after the incident when we first met our Samurai friend and his buddy. The two have parted ways(For Now) And we now see the samurai. He is walking along a trail, the trail is very dark and the tree tops seem to be causing the lack of light, the forest is dense and we can hear branches break and bushes rattle every so often.
We now see the past and a very large battle had taken place, there are many dead it looks like 100's if not 1000's of lifeless bodies. We now are back to the present and a noise has startled our friend there are 3 guards walking in his direction. And all of a sudden we hear "You, Halt" Our samurai friend stops and pokes his head up to see the position of the guards. We then hear "Where are you heading and why?" Our friend dose not responde but clutches his sword. The guard then says "Can you hear me boy? or are you retarded?" the guards are now only a few feet away from the samurai. One of the guards pulls out his gun and the other two, what looks like clubs. They get within striking distance and our friend as quick as a gunshot has cut all the guards across the chest. All the men fall, one of the guards is screaming the other two lifeless. And with another swing of his sword the guards head is no longer attached to his body. The samuri continues to walk in the direction he was heading. We are again in the past and we can see a faded picture of a young women, the picture fades and we see another picture, this time it is of a man his lips are moving but we cannot hear him. A young man is holding him crying, As we get a closer image of the young man he is covered in blood and has two diffrent colored eyes one Black and Red But as the young man calms down his eyes change once again now his eyes are now blue, The image fades and we come upon a town. There are people running around and people talking. People eating lunch and others just sitting infront of a Saloon. Our friend walks into the Saloon and and he asks for some saki the Bartender asks him his age but the samurai dose not respone the saloon gets quiet, people are now watching the samurai closely. We now see our tall black figure appears and the bartender hands over a drink to our samurai friend, Many are wondering why he has gotten a drink because of his age but then shrug and turn around. 8 guards walk into the saloon one man ordering everyone up agains the wall as everyone but our two friends get against the wall the guards grab ahold of the samurai but as quick as a flash the guards arm was chopped off and everyone had turned their attention to the Samurai and the bleeding guard. The other seven guards pulled out there pistols but two had been hit and killed by other men in the saloon the samurai then turned his attention to the guard behind him the man was cut across the chest and the stomach. There were five guards left but they all collapsed and as soon as he had appeared the tall figure was gone. The samurai ran out of the saloon. He ran for as long as he could and he collpsed in the woods.

Grammar And Spelling is not the best.

[Umbra II]

The tittle doesn't say continuing thread, and you don't say to add any comments, so I'm confused. I'lll just put what I think, then.
You are right, the stiry is good, but your charactors lack depth. Try describing them with adjetives on the outside that give you a glimps of their personlaities on the inside. Especially the samurai. He is your main charactor, after all. (At least I think it is) The same goes for the scenes. Liven them up a little. Other than that your good to go.

[Ellven'and]

[quote name='Umbra II']You are right, the stiry is good, but your charactors lack depth. Try describing them with adjetives on the outside that give you a glimps of their personlaities on the inside. Especially the samurai. He is your main charactor, after all.[/quote]


[COLOR=DeepSkyBlue][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Actually, Umbra, he has something here: he either inadvertently chose to do this so that he could make the characters seem more mysterious, or he has forgotten to do it altogether! If that is the case, then you have a good point there. Either way, it was a nice piece.

I am intrigued. If you continue to post, I will continue to come. Of course, I may require some warning as to when this is updated... I suppose I will merely subscribe to this thread and wait for an update... If one should happen to come.

You are a good writer, mistakes aside. However, you may want to be a little more specific in your word choices and at least try to clean up the grammar and mechanics a bit to give it more of a fluid flow throughout the piece.

As one writer to another, you can always improve, and I am sure that this can be developed into a very interesting story. Good job, kudos, and good luck if you are going to continue it. I will be here if you would like any help or anything. Give me a holler.

Take care.

~J'orgaan Ellven'and, Weaver of Dreams[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Ima]

Yes I will be continue and you are correct on the characters. I did this for a purpose I was not sure whether I would continue and the end just sortof ENDS and Ive always liked to add a new character to my writings. Ive never really been a writer or taken much interest in it but I indeed enjoy telling stories about what I enjoy. Really Its much harder to express myself by typing since words come more natural when I speak. But I do not read aloud when I type so. Grammar and Spelling is not the greatest and if and when I continue you will sure to know more about the New Chracter and the Samurai but if I were to ever write a story I would not give it away at the begining. And this was about a 15 minute piece of writing no spelling checks or word modifications. So it really isnt the most extensive piece of writing.

And if you would notice the samurai character is really sortof a dead soul. If you noticed and I had added that he has many battle scars and also when he chopped of that guys legs then you would get a hint of what he was like. He feels no remorse for what he has done yet. And as and if you read my next part you will figure out why.

[Umbra II]

I'm being misunderstood here. I am not talking about adjetives personality wise, which I can see being witheld. I am talking about descriptions of the outside. Their facial features, beard or no beard, the clothes they wear, ect. You could describe the two men in the begining of the story as "burly men, ones who worked manuel labor for their bread." Yes you describe the samurai in the begining, but I don't think its enough. As for the barkeep, and the man at the bar, they could use more desription to.
I hope I made myself clear now. Personality descriptions being withheld could help the story, but I don't think its possible to withhold exterior descriptions and benifet from it.
Just my opinion.

[Ima]

Continued:

It is now two weeks after the incident when we first met our Samurai friend and his buddy. The two have parted ways(For Now) And we now see the samurai. He is walking along a trail, the trail is very dark and the tree tops seem to be causing the lack of light, the forest is dense and we can hear branches break and bushes rattle every so often.
We now see the past and a very large battle had taken place, there are many dead it looks like 100's if not 1000's of lifeless bodies. We now are back to the present and a noise has startled our friend there are 3 guards walking in his direction. And all of a sudden we hear "You, Halt" Our samurai friend stops and pokes his head up to see the position of the guards. We then hear "Where are you heading and why?" Our friend dose not responde but clutches his sword. The guard then says "Can you hear me boy? or are you retarded?" the guards are now only a few feet away from the samurai. One of the guards pulls out his gun and the other two, what looks like clubs. They get within striking distance and our friend as quick as a gunshot has cut all the guards across the chest. All the men fall, one of the guards is screaming the other two lifeless. And with another swing of his sword the guards head is no longer attached to his body. The samuri continues to walk in the direction he was heading. We are again in the past and we can see a faded picture of a young women, the picture fades and we see another picture, this time it is of a man his lips are moving but we cannot hear him. A young man is holding him crying, As we get a closer image of the young man he is covered in blood and has two diffrent colored eyes one Black and Red But as the young man calms down his eyes change once again now his eyes are now blue, The image fades and we come upon a town. There are people running around and people talking. People eating lunch and others just sitting infront of a Saloon. Our friend walks into the Saloon and and he asks for some saki the Bartender asks him his age but the samurai dose not respone the saloon gets quiet, people are now watching the samurai closely. We now see our tall black figure appears and the bartender hands over a drink to our samurai friend, Many are wondering why he has gotten a drink because of his age but then shrug and turn around. 8 guards walk into the saloon one man ordering everyone up agains the wall as everyone but our two friends get against the wall the guards grab ahold of the samurai but as quick as a flash the guards arm was chopped off and everyone had turned their attention to the Samurai and the bleeding guard. The other seven guards pulled out there pistols but two had been hit and killed by other men in the saloon the samurai then turned his attention to the guard behind him the man was cut across the chest and the stomach. There were five guards left but they all collapsed and as soon as he had appeared the tall figure was gone. The samurai ran out of the saloon. He ran for as long as he could and he collpsed in the woods.


Umbra I will try to do what you had said in my next post since I am quite new to writing but It would improve my writing a bunch I bet. So the next Chapter or Continuation will have more details

[Ellven'and]

[COLOR=DeepSkyBlue][SIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Though I may be new to the boards, and though you may not yet know of me, I, too, can give you advice on your writing. I prefer not to do it here; such a thing would be trivial and awkward for me. I prefer to give advice through messages.

If you ever need anything, don't be afraid to come to Umbra or I for help. I am sure either of us would be more than happy to help you out.

Take care, and good night.

~J'orgaan

P.S. Don't forget to check out (when, of course, we get it posted) Umbra's and my story that we will be working on together.

P.P.S. I knew what you meant, Umbra; I was saying that he could have left those adjectives out because he didn't want the character to seem too outrightly obvious. I do that sometimes; leaving out physical descriptions is not a bad thing, and it does add a hint of suspense.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]My main concern with this is the spacing. I really discourage not having correct spacing. Things like a new speaker on a new line really encourages the reader. Having your text in one block because very hard to read, especially on the internet.

Also, my suggestion is to show, not tell. Don't say something like "He was a labourer.", say, "He had the body of a labourer, with .." etc.

As for your comments about grammar and spelling, I'm going to let you know now before it becomes a problem that saying spelling and grammar is off does not excuse poor post quality. [And Umbra, I suggest that you take a look at your spelling. i.e Adjective, personality, etc. It may be just typos, but running it through a spell check will fix those. ^.^]

So, yeah, I think if you show, not tell, the piece will be a lot better. Keep going![/font][/size]

[Ima]

Now early morning, and a sudden noise wakes up the samurai. And out of nowhere a blade comes down, and with a quick swift the samurai has blocked the initial attack.

"So it is true, the legends you are so paranoid that you sleep with your hand on your sword?"

The samurai studies the man closely he is an average size man but his movements are so fast that the samurai has a hard time keeping his eye on him. The man has very dark hair and he wears a strange robe it is a very dark color. Another thing he has noticed is the man dose not use a sword he uses two abnormally large blades.

"So, Are you going to respond or just stand there like a fool?"

As usual the samurai just stands there. And its now the time he is in striking distance one again, but this time his attack is blocked and he has left his whole back side open. The man strike and the samurai uses his sheath to block the attack.

"You are sloppy your days of walking around fighting mere weaklings have made you soft."

There is a long pause.

"I cannot believe you do not remember me.... I was one of the men that you slaughtered senselessly, but you did not kill me and that will be your last mistake."

Now both men are in ferce engagement but what the Assassin dose not relize is that his next step is his last. And as the assassin steps back his body splits in two.

"How could this.... b....... e"

"I'm sorry I had to use this attack on you, but you left me with no choice."

"May you rest in peace, At last"

It is now minutes into the future we can see the samurai standing over a grave, as we get a better shot of the samurai we notice his lips are moving and his head is bowed down.

We are now at a different place. We see the tall dark figure surrounded by men.

In a deep voice "I will give all of you one minute to run after that one minute I cannot guarantee you your life."

"You expect one man to take on over ten of us?"

"Mortal you do not know of my powers"

The figures eyes open, the man that had just spoken is now in mid air his bones are in all the wrong places.

"It Hurts stop. STOP!"

"What is he doing to him?"

"This is your last chance to run"

Three men run the other six charge at the figure all of the men collapse but are not dead.

"I want you all to watch your beloved friend die in the most painful way imaginable"

We are now back with the samurai but it is a much younger samurai he is maybe 14 he is standing there with a sword drawn five men stand around him and with a flash we see the five men fall and collapse, arms, legs, heads, and various other parts now fall off the bodies. The samurai is standing there with his sword still drawn, we can see blood dripping from the sword. A man walk out of the dark.

"Very nice, Very nice indeed you will be of value after all."

With a grin on his face

"Thank you."


Spacing dose help quite alot. :D