Writing Dango Drives [PG]

[Godelsensei]

This is an excerpt from a story I'm writing. Though it should be at least sort of obvious from reading the thing, it takes place in a video game.

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It was simple, really. While the thing was set to ?auto? all she really had to do was keep her foot on the gas pedal and try her best not to crash into anything. The wheel was smooth and slippery under her sweaty hands: despite the simplicity of it all, she was nervous. She wished she had a pair of those gloves the other drivers did. The ones that kept their hands from slipping.
She leaned out the window before buckling herself in. ?Ninja? Doushite?? What was the matter? Why did he look like he was about to be sick?
He looked at her, confused. She repeated what she had said, but he didn?t understand. He caught her drift, though, and forced himself to smile. He gave her the thumbs up and pulled his helmet over his head, signaling for her to do the same, which she did.
It was uncomfortable and claustrophobic. She had to untie her hair to make it fit inside. Now, it was making her head itchy. Did they really have to do this? It seemed so out of their way.
She closed her eyes and opened them again, just in time to hear the horn blow. She slammed her foot down on the gas. She was going to win. She had to. That was what she was afraid of: losing. Not crashing into a sheer face of rock or running off the track, into the water, or hitting another car and causing the gas in both their tanks to explode. That sort of thing just didn?t happen. So why had it even occurred to her?
She spun the wheel, barely making the first turn. She was driving on the shoulder, now, which was slowing her down. She accelerated, managing to pass the car immediately in front of her without hitting it. Then, she realized it was Ninja?s car and her heart sank: he was a worse driver than she was.
There were more turns coming up. Dango braced herself. She swerved around them, once bashing into the wall. She bounced off and kept going, only slightly shaken. But something was wrong. The jar had bashed her head against the inside of her helmet and she was beginning to feel woozy. She was not made for this kind of thing. But why did it hurt? Why was her heart pounding so furiously and why was her vision becoming blurry?
She could not see where she was going. Whose car was in front of her? Who had she just rammed from behind? Who was spinning off the track with her, into a wall?
Dango screamed and, instinctively, covered her face with her hands. She remembered to brake at the last second, but it was no good: she was moving too fast. Why had she taken her hands from the wheel? Why had she lost control?
She was pinned between a hunk of smoking, flaming metal that had once been a car and a wall of rock. She thought, for certain, she had broken both legs. Shrieking in pain, she scrambled with her arms to open the door or window. Nothing worked. She wasn?t strong enough. She couldn?t do it. She could feel the heat from the flames and began to sob hysterically. Help! Help me!
No one came. They wouldn?t have known what to do if they had, she thought. She was trapped in a flaming wreck of a racecar, with broken legs and bleeding fingers, with no way out.
Then, there was screaming from outside the car. She could not see who it was, from her position, but thought she recognized the voice. What were they saying? It sounded important.
The windshield shattered. Only one piece of it managed to cut her however, and she wouldn?t have cared if all of them had. Some one was pulling her out of the flaming wreck and talking to her very quickly. She couldn?t see whom, but she knew the voice now. It was Ninja. He had stopped and forfeited the race to pull her out of the car.
?I don?t think this sort of thing is supposed to happen,? she told him. He babbled back to her, but she didn?t understand. ?It was nice of you to come and get me. I thought I was really going to get hurt.?

[Wondershot]

I can see how this is only a fragment of the greater project you had in mind, but I do get the idea, even if the whole thing seemed a little rushed in general.

If you ask me, even barring the lack of characterization immediately, the whole action of ramming into the wall and Dango's realization that she couldn't escape the car seemed a little rushed, given the situation. If and when you get a chance to write this section again, I suggest working a little on Dango's description, if possible, of her car really smashing into that wall; or, when she is trying to escape, the feeling in her pulverized legs or maybe the sulfrous stink of burning metal and paint or something of the like.

That's just my preference, but this scene will have as great or as little importance in the project as you like. If you want it to have more importance, I suggest adding some richer details to add to the tension and shock of the final impact.

In the meantime, though, I am curious as to what precedes this segment.