Writing broken stars [G]

[vegeta rocker]

This is one that i wrote pretty straight through, so its still a rough draft. I would appreciate any comments about it.





" broken stars"

I looked up
the night you
left me

at the stars
and they fell
one by one

I wonder what
it would take to
break a star

would it be the same
with you here with me
to watch them fall

would it be the same
if you still held my hand
as i wept by your stone

you would always turn
away from the sky
you said stars die alone

that no one would
ever cry for a star
only thinking about
their own foolish wish

sometimes late at night
i go out and
watch the stars

i imagine you
are too and that
even in heaven

you are allowed to cry

[Mitch]

The convoluted line breaks serve to give this poem a feeling of sputtering, grasping, strangling, holding on. Then at the end, the final breath is left out in the final stanza on the final line. I enjoyed its rawness and would personally not edit it (I really only sharpen some things I write if they aren't sharp enough, otherwise I leave them raw). Nicely done.

[demonchild781]

[FONT=Arial Narrow]Simply splendid. I, too, would not edit it. I think it express itself well just the way it is. Hope to see more of your work on OB. [/FONT]

[vegeta rocker]

glad to hear that my work is so well received; i guess i won't edit it after all lol.
Well if anybody thinks diffrent than go ahead and post with your suggestion.