Writing poems...[pg]

[demonslovehurts]

These are some of my poems that I have done in the past week...each took about 10 minuets to do but,they were typened up on the computer.Enjoy!! :D

Sent.

Two can play a game,
with a life and death name.
With on the line of love and trust,
you were sent down here from above.
But with my broken heart,
I awoke with a start.
Realizing you was what held me up,
from the coldest and dankest places;but.
As I lay here and cry,
I wonder why.
Why did you kill all of those people?
How could you live and still smile so proud?
As you tell me why,
I look to the sky,
and pray that I won't cry now.
You turn to me and smile,
that proud smile again.
This is what you said as you turn and take my hand.
"I'm a killer not a lover,
And love me for who I am and not what's been covered.
I'm still the same person,
But with a different version"
So again I sit here and wonder,
wishing it wasn't true.
That you hadn't killed all those people,
And lied to cover it through.
But,you did,just to feel what's it's like,
to live your life in vain.
As well as full of hatered and maybe shame.
I begin to realize that I was sent here too.
But my purpose was so different,
I was meant to guide you.
Down the right path,
The good and not the bad.
And realizing that I thought you were good,
makes me laugh.
It was because of you,
that made me true.
I can relive my life again.
So,I walk down the lighted path,
Away from the dark.
Leaving back that solem dream,
And you was a start.
So I can live my life full
and begin a new dream.
Full of life,love and prosperity.


~~~More will be posted after some feedback!!

[Goodbye, Face]

You seem to start off with a cool rhyme pattern of

A
A
B
C
D
D
E
F

But then you drop off of it and begin rhyming when possible and it kind of throws it off a little. It has a cool meaning, as it seems to come from your life, however (and I do usually have problems with rhyming) you try too hard sometimes to rhyme two words and you just end up with excess lines or you get thrown off your rythm. I'd tell you to keep working on it a little more, and I'm interested in seeing more!

[Boo]

[quote][b]Sent[/b][size=1]

Two can play a game,
with a life and death name [color=red]((Life and death name? *has no idea what that is supposed to mean*))[/color]
With on the line of love and trust,
you were sent down here from above.
But with my broken heart,
I awoke with a start. [color=red]((Cheap rhyming that hardly makes sense))[/color]
Realizing you was what held me up,
from the coldest and dankest places, but
As I lay here and cry,
I am starting to wonder why.
Why did you kill all of those people?
How could you live and still smile so proud?
As you tell me why, [color=red]((Again this [I]why[/I]))[/color]
I look to the sky,
and pray that I won't cry now. [color=red]((You rhyme with [I]cry[/I] but quickly put [I]now[/I] behind it o_O;; ))[/color]
You turn to me and smile,
that proud smile again,
This is what you said as you turn and take my hand. [color=red]((I assume that person can remember what he said))[/color]
"I'm a killer not a lover,
And love me for who I am and not what's been covered. [color=red]((o_O;; What the?))[/color]
I'm still the same person,
But with a different version" [color=red]((O_o;; Different version? ))[/color]
So again I sit here and wonder,
wishing it wasn't true.
That you hadn't killed all those people,
And lied to cover it through.
But,you did,just to feel what's it's like,
to live your life in vain.
As well as full of hatered and maybe shame. [color=red](([I]Maybe[/I] is mostly a word you should avoid))[/color]
I begin to realize that I was sent here too.
But my purpose was so different,
I was meant to guide you.
Down the right path,
The good and not the bad.
And realizing that I thought you were good, [color=red]((Okay, I thought you were here to guide him? That never comes back!))[/color]
makes me laugh.
It was because of you,
that made me true. [color=red]((Cheap Rhyming))[/color]
I can relive my life again.
So,I walk down the lighted path,
Away from the dark.
Leaving back that solem dream,
And you was a start.
So I can live my life full
and begin a new dream.
Full of life,love and prosperity.
[color=red]((The end was pretty nicely written))[/color][/size] [/quote]
[color=gray][size=1]I figured this would be the easiest way to comment on your poem. Like Recess mentioned, you really intend to force your rhyming.
That and the fact that the whole poem seems to have no point to it. First he is sent from above and then suddenly he changes into some murderer, which in my eyes makes no sense. Near the end you suddenly realize you're here to guide him, but that never comes back at the end. Instead, [i]you[/i] seemed to have changed.
If this is based upon something that happened for real, this makes a bit more sense, but if it aint based on anything, please try to give it some sort of meaning.

Oh and by the way. Could you either make your poems less long or sort them better? o_O;;[/color][/size]