Darker Alucard Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I humbly want you to rate, i won't get emotional speak freely. [CENTER]Silent[/CENTER] I await, Silent. Till the Day i die Heaven will rest my soul but hell will make whole Burning in hell some say i shall Anyway i remain silent. In the Hiding Moon. Hoping my death will come soon. It's from a poem book i'm thinking about making, "Hopes and Despairs of the Elders" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 [QUOTE=Darker Alucard][size=1] [b]Silent[/b] I await, Silent. [color=red]((I'd make this "In silence"))[/color] Till the Day i die [color=red]((Not very original line.))[/color] Heaven will rest my soul but hell will make whole [color=red](())[/color] Burn[color=red][strike]ing[/color][/strike] in hell some say i shall [color=red][strike]Anyway[/strike][/color] i remain silent. [color=red]((Anyway? It aint a good word, especially not while theres only 5 lines between the last time you said it. Try putting something else down in its place))[/color] In the Hiding Moon. Hoping my death will come soon. [/size] [/QUOTE] [color=gray][size=1]I just quoted and adjusted the quote. Some parts like 'the Hiding Moon' may only make sense if you know the story you want to write, right?[/size][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darker Alucard Posted June 29, 2005 Author Share Posted June 29, 2005 [quote name='Boo][color=gray][size=1]I just quoted and adjusted the quote. Some parts like 'the Hiding Moon' may only make sense if you know the story you want to write, right?[/size'][/color][/quote] Your right. i guess i gotta rewrite-it. constructive criticism. good. Thanx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goodbye, Face Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 I'd also like to add that if you're not going to have a rhyme scheme or a rythm, to not go out of your way to rhyme a certain part. I have a problem with lines 5, and 6 simply because they don't make sense, like it's there just to add the rhyme (which only works with emphasis) and it doesn't contribute to the poem. Also, does the "Hiding Moon" mean anything to you? It doesn't seem to make sense either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darker Alucard Posted June 30, 2005 Author Share Posted June 30, 2005 I Got to say that people made not much replies, but always interesting constructive criticism. i meant Hiding in the moon... well knew of those cases that a person seems so cheerfull and no reasons to die but turns out to be suicidal? hiding in the moon is about hiding your feelings within you. About lines 5 and 6 is when a person feels that his friends only know the inner dark about people. the raw sinfull revelations of people. and lines 5 and 6 do complement each other in the ways of rhyme. so here goes, new and improved I await in silence Till death slashes my throat Heaven willl rest my soul But hell will make me whole To Burn in Hell Some say i shall But for what comes and goes... i'll remain silent Hiding in the moon waiting that my death will be coming soon. Thank you Boo and RiflesAtRecess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goodbye, Face Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 It's a whole lot better, I just think line 2 has too many syllables, though. I think it's "slashes" that's throwing me off when I read it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 [size=2][font=arial narrow]Dark Alucard, my suggestion is to read the OB Anthology Basics, which are at the top of this forum. In it, it is clearly stated that all threads must be rated for maturity. If they are not rated, they will be closed. Feel free to recreate your thread with the appropriate rating. Thread Closed.[/font][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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