Writing Words and Clovers [PG]

[Kamuro]

[SIZE=1]Heres two poems I've decided to post that are open to critiques or any opinions you might have concerning the two. Any questions feel free to ask.

[CENTER][B]No Four Leaf Clover[/B]

I'll hide my thoughts inside these walls
and I'll lose the world while I fall
I didn't fight hard enough to win
but we both know I tried my best
oh, I knew this would happen before long
but I still don't know where I went wrong
and the clock rolls to eight past ten
so now I'll lay me down to rest

I can't forget the times it went without defect
and I can't believe this raw effect
of realizing that this is all over
all over before it ever started
so I'll think tonight of you
and I'll wish that you thought of me
today I'll find no four leaf clover
for luck and I have long since parted

[B]Notes:[/B] I would describe this poem but I'd like the rest of you to say what you think of it first. It has mild rhyming in it which I don't believe I did purposely but it doesn't sound to bad. It's pretty jumbled but it's a poem not a song so it offers more leverage.

[B]Better With Words[/B]

I wish that I was better with words
so I could tell you exactly how I feel
then all these sad attempts at happiness
wouldn't have to happen at all
a poem you'll never read
a thought you'll never know
and this leads me to a question
what's the good in living life
if I never take a chance?
perhaps I should try and tell you
but odds are that I won't
and odds are that you probably aren't
what I?ve been searching for these days
so now I?ll watch as hope fades to disappointment
and once again I?ll say...
I should have seen this coming all along

[B]Notes:[/B] This poem is very literal and I find it actually just sounds like me talking rather then the usual poem flow lol. However it has solid meaning and I'd like any critique you have for it, as well as the poem before it.
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[demonchild781]

[FONT=Arial Narrow]The first one, No Four Leaf Clover, was pretty good. (Can't believe you write poetry too *shakes head*) I like the mild rhyming in it. I looked at the poem as some what of a break up type thing. Eh...my brain isn't working too well tonight...so bare with me.

I actually like "Better With Words" more. I like how easily it just comes off one's lips. Not too dramatic, but enough to catch one's eyes and make them think. (Biggest problems with relationships is the lack of communication). *nods* ok...time for bed.

Hope to see more!!
DC[/FONT]

[Goodbye, Face]

Contrary to DC, I like "No Four Leaf Clover" better. The middle of the last stanza has a bit of "I just broke up with someone" written into it, but I don't think that's quite what it's about. Is it just that nothing seems to go right in your life and you blame it on luck? That's what I do. XD

As for "Better With Words," it seems like you're secretly writing a letter to someone who isn't interested in poetry, or that you just don't want to show your true feelings towards that person. :-/

[Kamuro]

[SIZE=1]Thanks for the comments. This subforum doesn't really get much activity, especially compared to the other one's in the Arena, it's really a shame. I appreciate everything you've both said though.

I like leaving poems unexplained so that you can look at them from any POV you want to. It can mean something completely different to you but at least it means something. I'll leave "No Four Leaf Clover" as a bit of a mystery to you guys, since it sort of has that way with people already lol. However, just as the title implies, think about luck while you're reading it. What is luck? And is it really in your favor? Something that seems like a lucky break now can finish quite messy later, so is luck really a good thing? Depends I suppose, something to think about.

"Better With Words" is pretty self-explanitory, and although it doesn't have the poem "flow," it's a solid writing, or so I believe. It has just as much feeling as a regular poem, maybe even more since it's almost coming from my mouth rather then the page you're reading it from. I could have easily livened up with complex words or rhymed a bit, but it just wouldn't be the same. The "letter" quality gives it an interpersonal feel. I don't see how you could miss my true feelings in the poem (referring to RiflesAtRecess). The contemplation and confusion is obvious and the feeling is there. But what relationship have you had that isn't complex or confusing? I thought it was pretty easy to relate to =/[/SIZE]

[Goodbye, Face]

I meant that instead of telling that person how you feel, you're writing that poem about it instead. I didn't miss your feelings in the poem, I think I hit it on the nail, but maybe I didn't word it right or you didn't read it right.