Writing Digimon: Data Storm, take 3 [PG, maybe T]

[Circ]

I originaly started to write this back in November 2004. I managed to produce 3 chapters before life got a hold of me and prevented my writing for a long time. I recently reworked on the story and can begin producing new chapters.

The firest 3 chapters are in the [url=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?p=631242]original thread[/url]

[SIZE=3][B]IN YAOYOTL, IN HUICTLI, IN AHELEHUILIZTLI - Battle, toil and trouble[/B][/SIZE]

"[I]What prophecies[/I]?" she exclaimed.

"Oh my, we are not getting anywhere like this," the great snake pointed out.

With a wave of his tail, the servants were shooed away. Andrea got up. The creature locked his eyes in hers for a second. She frowned defiantly.

"What prophecies?" she asked again, calmer.

"If I might, you are?" He asked politely. Something in the back of Andrea's mind warned her it wasn't quite a question. She bowed respectuously.

"Andrea Tamikane." He bowed in turn.

"May your skin never dry. I am Coatlatoani Santiramon." The snake lord sighed and uncoiled, pointing at undecipherable engraving and the figure of an Asian dragon on the wall.

"When the Digital World created itself as the outlet of excessive data from your world, there was but a single, all powerful digimon: Qinglongmon. When the world divided into nodes, he clearly saw that his mere presence upset the balance of power and threatened this world with destruction. Thus he cast himself away into the 'Great Delete', the oblivion beyond our universe. Behind him he left, circling Infinity Mountain of File Island, the 12 Digi-Cores, the digital destiny. They contain prophecies announcing the times of threat to this world."

"So he's your kind of Nostradamus right?" Andrea huffed. Santiramon ignored her.

"Twice before saviors from the human world were announced by the cores, and twice before they saved the Digital Word. Now your presence, a mere week after the arrival of Derek, announces a new era of trouble to this world." Andrea ignored most of the explanation as crazy ramblings.

"So your name's Derek, right?" She examined the man. And extended her hand. "Andrea Tamikane." They shook hands.

"Derek Mason"

"56-S Clockmon," the humanoid figure atop the machine bowed too.

"Eztepoztli Sepikmon"

"I'm here," Derek continued, "because a month ago, (Andrea was puzzled at this remark) the sixth core opened when I came to File Island and I've been attempting to decrypt it ever since. Yesterday, I finally managed to do so, but the prophecy is written in an old form of atlahtolli, so I came to Teocaltintlan to have it translated."

He took a handheld computer hanging from his shirt pocket and pressed a few controls. A hologram shot up with elaborate scripting, not dissimilar to the one Santiramon had pointed earlier. Santiramon turned toward Sepikmon.

"I think this falls within your competences, doesn't it?"

Sepikmon approached the connection and started speaking.

[I][INDENT]"The knot of water will be stormed.
Digimon will disappear in the land of the night bird.
The Flower Creator will stream in to connect the Wall Builder and the Masked Fighter.
She will stream out once the Butterfly has been saved."[/INDENT][/I]

Andrea tried to contain a curse.

"What kind of nonsense is that?"

"Well, Qinglongmon's prophecies aren't exactly recognized for for clarity, but I do believe the 'Masked Warrior' designates me." Sepikmon said. Andrea rolled her eyes.

"Really?" she asked sarcastically.

"The 'Knot of water' must be Axolotl node, " Santiramon added. "Parts of Teocaltintlan were reconfigured in a data storm generated by your arrival. 'Axolotl' means 'water salamander'."

"Derek, isn't a 'mason' a journeyman doing brickwork?" Clockmon though aloud.

"Actually, I though it was a reference to the Firewall." The heads gravitated slowly toward Andrea, in obvious expectative.

"What?" She couldn't bear it anymore. "Do you really expect me to take part into that guessing game of 'what if's?" she scowled with great annoyance. "I am just some graphic designer, for God's sake! All I want is to get back to my good ol' cubicle, print my last project and..." The sentence died a painful death on her lips.

"Are you O.K.?" Sepikmon enquired. Andrea looked like she was just told she had an incurable disease.

"It's a project for CTV's latest series. It's called 'Flower Power'." Derek cracked a smile. She pouted in response.

"As for the 'Land of the night bird', I am stuck." Santiramon said. Andrea raised her eyebrows.

"A night bird? An owl?" She pointed out.

"Owlmon is way too arrogant to allow such information from getting out of his prefecture." Sepikmon spitefully said. "He came just short of arresting me for putting an end to a band of pirate's streak in Moyotlan."

"Actually," Santiramon countered, "Toxochiton Piyomon came to Teocaltintlan to report raising numbers of mysterious disappearances. She was attacked on her way here."

"Oh."

"Wait a minute." Andrea panicked. "Does that mean I can't get back to Toronto until I've saved that 'Butterfly' mentioned in that blight of a prophecy?"

"Err... Most likely," Sepikmon sheepishly answered.

"Oh bugger." She palmed her forehead.

"Well, I do know a butterflymon in Patläninitlan. He's a blacksmith." Sepikmon tried to reassure her, but she palmed her forehead with her other hand.

"My lord, would you happen to be aware of unauthorized data streams in Axolotl node?" Derek suddenly asked out of the blue.

"What do you mean, Cohuatzintli? You think the missing could have been taken away?" Santiramon asked, intrigued.

"Actually..." the man's head dropped. "No," he mumbled. "But as stream monitor I detected some very weird energy signatures about a week ago." Santiramon raised a brow.

"Wouldn't that be yesterday's data storm?" Derek's face darkened.

"Oh right. Temporal entropy."

"Just when I started to respect you, you come up with some undecipherable jargon." Andrea tried to keep her brains from melting from the ambient surrealism and settled for rolling her eyes. "Computer technicians. What in heaven and hell is that 'entroprise' about?" Dered reddened.

"Sorry. Old habits die hard. Basically, the bigger a node is, the more rapid his time flow is compared to smaller ones and the real world. I've calculated time in HTTP is about twelve times as rapid as in Axolotl." Derek explained.

"Well, [I]that[/I] explains why you were on File Island a month ago, but I landed here only a week after you."

Derek reached for the device that had produced holograms earlier and pressed a few controls. An holographic map sprung up this time. Andrea recognized in the middle the temple at the center of the city. A zoom out revealed forests and villages surrounded the capital. A part of the city lit up.

"Molotlan, you said, right?" Derek asked, his finger moving on the touch-sensitive icons.

"No," Sepikmon corrected him. "Moyotlan. Owlmon is prefect of Moyotlan. That's to the west." He pointed. An area of forest surrounding a few villages and cultivated areas lit.

"Hum... A day's walk distance." Clockmon estimated.

"2 and a half, actually. The road is not quite straight: it follows the river and it goes round Ololtepetontli." Sepikmon pointed a large, round mound the river wedged around. A red, tortuous line shot from the temple to a city in the yellow area. A label appeared: 'Ahuamoloyan, pop. 2629'.

"That's the prefecture seat, right?" Derek asked. Another place lit in the forest, causing the Moyotlan territory color to fade leaving only its borders, with a second label: 'Patläninitlan, pop. 261'.

"Correct. If there's one place we can get pointers, it's there," Sepikmon.

"I'll have messengers sent to Owlmon immediately," Santiramon said, calling the servants back in.

Feeling mostly unconcerned with the route they were taking, Andrea had taken the time to examine the device Derek used. She eventually recognized a PalmOne handheld of a similar model to her superior's.

"How did you get it to do these kind of things?" she exclaimed. "That's impossible!" Derek and Spikmon, who had been discussing different means of transportation, jumped out of her way. He seemed to look at it in a novel way now.

"Actually, I don't think it's still the exact thing I used to have for on-field work. Machinedramon called it a D-Coder. Apparently, it allows human to travel betwen the real and the digital world." Andrea looked closer at the screen, deciphering some glyphs and a menu with several options: "Messages", "Data storage", "Encoding". It suddenly felt familiar.

"No way!" she barely managed not to drop the device.

"What?"

"My... My mouse got, it got all weird and it had the same menu. Then, then when I pressed it, pressed it on the computer screen..." she stuttered. Derek looked dreamy

"Wow... Can I have a look at it?" he asked implorantly. Andrea shrugged.

"I don't have it with me. No idea where it got."

"I do think we left it at my home. You were in quite a hurry." Sepikmon helped out. Derek stared at them for a moment, then Clockmon and him exchanged an ominous glance.

"What?" Andrea and Sepikmon chorused.

"It's one of this world's most potent device! Not a good idea to leave it laying around like this!" Derek yelled. He turned toward the digimon lord. "I am deeply sorry my lord, but we have to go now."

With that, he whirled and, followed by Clockmon, ran out of the room. Andrea looked bemusedly after him, rubbing her temples. This journey promised battle, toil and trouble. At least if she was to take care of it.

[Boo]

[size=1][color=gray]The whole story is one big Dialogue. It started off nice by falling in with "what prophecies" and then talking talking talking. I hardly read anything of it at the end. Just to point out, this might be an interesting story, but remember that reading a dialogue aint interesting.[/color][/size]

[Circ]

[quote name='Boo][size=1][color=gray]The whole story is one big Dialogue. It started off nice by falling in with "what prophecies" and then talking talking talking. I hardly read anything of it at the end. Just to point out, this might be an interesting story, but remember that reading a dialogue aint interesting.[/color'][/size][/quote]
I have myself had concerns about the amount of dialogue in these chapters, though so far few have expressed concerns about it, I appreciate the observation, although I'm not sure there is much I can do by now. It is mostly compounded by my tendancy to write short chapters (around 1500-1700 words) and a need for quite a lot explanation before I feel I can move along with the story.:animesigh

However, I must admit I need to really tackle the issue of "showing vs. telling".