Writing Lyrical Arrangements [E]

[Ailes de Velour]

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Seeing as how I write 'songs' often, I thought I might share some. I don't call my work songs seriously, though, because I never manage to write melodies for any of them. Therefore: lyrical arrangements. Er-kay, here goes my mediocre stuff.

[i]Beyond the Pale[/i]

Riding through my dreamscape
Lucidity consumes us all.
You've got her all fired up.
She's at your beck and call.
Jaded parties, wreaking pain
Faded spirits combust
Seeking souls is seeking love
Though spilling dirt and dust
If you smile, the world smiles with you
If you cry, you cry alone
If home is where your friendships lie
Then only dreams are home
You're fighting killing colors
And losing every time
Friends of mine are worth much more
Than twice a dozen dime
If you smile, the world smiles with you
If you cry, you cry alone
Cry alone, cry alone

---

Of course that was edited, since I write things in the shape of a song with verses and choruses, and it often repeats a lot. And now for something completely nonsensical, half inspired by Golden Sun II or whatever else popped into my head.

[i]Batteries[/i]

Spin the chair a million times
Squares and diamonds are the same
Sing notes you don't really have
Phantoms and musicals are to blame
Oh yes, I'll think of you
Oh yes, I'll paint it, too
Oh no, oh no, oh no
There's no more of me
Tightrope walker
Lash two ends
Tightrope walker
Twixt bounds and bends
Tightrope walker
Dash across the wire
Tightrope walker
Won't easily tire
Tightrope walker
Tightrope walker
Lemonade Lemonade
Spin the chair a million times
Lemonade lemonade
Blue lightning from the foil
In our microwave, the toil
The foily man is dead
Exploded did his head
We'll miss our old friend
Lemonade lemonade
Dead in the microwave

---

Let's see. Spinning in my computer chair, trying to sing as high as Christine from Phantom of the Opera, listening to Think of Me (from PoTO) way too often, Felix (GSII) walking across the ropes and me singing "tightrope walker" over and over again, and remembering how aluminum foil reacts to microwaves.

Er-kay. Say whatever you can to make me better as a 'lyrical arrangement' writer.

---

Aw, man, I really did want some feedback for those. Oh well, here goes the old bad writing again.

[i]Negative Exposure[/i]

Memories are the photographs
That decorate my wall
I have them there for a small laugh
With the care they will not fall
How I long to go back
Time is a menacing foe
And now the moments that I lack
Are memories I will never know
Visions and pictures I can hold
But I cannot go inside
I can waste my tears on moments old
And for the time that died
If only life were a loophole
Controlled by my free will
The present would be the toll
My cheers would foot the bill

---

Please? Just a little commenting would be much appreciated. T_T;;


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[Lady Asphyxia]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]Having seen this thread, especially the first poem, I must say this: Codswallop. You think you're a bad writer? You're insane! This is fantastic work. The first poem is just brilliant. The imagery is gorgeous, the rhythm is amazing -- even with no tune I can tell where the words will be because it all fits a beat. "If home is where your firendships lie/then only dreams are home", has a gorgeous rhythm to it. You have things we only talk about in English: alliteration, rhythm, repetition.

Frankly, I think you're underestimating yourself. This is fantastic work, and you need to have more confidence. ^-^[/font][/size]

[Guest Sean]

[FONT=Arial]I must agree with Lady A on this one, these are absolutley fantastic, the rhythm, the beat. You are an amazing writer, and I can see that you could be even better, just keep the confidence up!

[I]'How I long to go back
Time is a menacing foe
And now the moments that I lack
Are memories I will never know'[/I]

That has to be my favourite part out of the poems there, there is so much held within it. And again, keep the confidence up, and you'll become better yet. ^_^.

[b]EDIT[/b]: [I]'Lucidity consumes us all.[/I]' ...I want to do a crazy fanboy squeal but I won't, but I <3 this line with burning passion![/FONT]

[Ailes de Velour]

[font=arial][size=1][color=darkorchid]^___^!!;;

I think I'm smiling wider than a river. Thanks, you guys, I feel really good. I know I'm modest, and here it goes again. This one has very little rhythm and a little rhyme, it was just more like a weird monologue than a poem. It would sound better in an emo song.

---

[i]Engine Failure[/i]

Everyone has warped visions of themselves
Heads like balloons or hearts of mice

And I've written so many letters
And I've cried for you so much
And I've let you down like a stone
And I want to keep in touch

I'm sorry that I'm such a mess to put up with
It's a wonder that I've got friends who are true
Maybe I can mask my imperfections
But then I would disappear, too

I see myself for who I am, and who I am is sad
I rarely say anything without making someone mad
My eyes are blurred by doubt and self esteem
That I think I see myself and I'm not who I seem

I'm stagnate, changing now and then
I feel different every day
I feel I've felt so warped on myself
Change wouldn't matter, anyway

I'm such a waste of space but I'm staying here forever
I'm such a waste of space but I'm staying here forever
I'm such a waste of space but I'm staying here forever
I'm such a waste of space but I'm staying here forever

---

*emotears* Ha. Ha. Ha. [/font][/color][/size]

[Kamuro]

[SIZE=1]*squeals* Sean wouldn't so I did it for him :p

I do agree with the first two posts here. Your writing is quite good and I've become a fan. I'd love to hear a melody to the songs though, it could make the amazing lyrics seem even more so. Although you call yourself a bad writer, I like it that way. People who are humble with good attitudes aquire better responses because they write better stuff. Some of the nicest people in the world, that seem so content, have the most interesting stories to tell. Happiness is not easily aquired as we all know. And some of the most talented people are overshadowed by their own presence and their writing talent is the least of their worries.

I'm glad you decided to post these because I got the feeling you were nervous about what people might think. But I assure you, any ill-thoughts of your writings are unfounded.

It's hard to critique the actual structure since you modified it to resemble a poem rather then a song. However, the words are catchy and I imagine you had a good enough chorus in whichever order you put it in. I rarely find writing that inspires me like your's did, and as much as I'd love to give an indepth writing critique, I just don't think I could without regretting it lol.

But I can say this, a lot of the songs people write, even my own, look horrible on paper, but come together when the music is added. But these songs look amazing on paper, so I can't really imagine them actually being made into songs. My hopes would be quite high, and although I'm not aware of your musical talent, I think you have a great writing talent. Whether you decide to do something with it is your own decision. I'd be happy simply reading it but sometimes hearing your own words and feelings in a song is truly amazing and inspiring. It makes the words seem even stronger and the feeling that much more clear. Just some thoughts.[/SIZE]

[Ailes de Velour]

[font=arial][size=1][color=darkorchid][i]Raising Beans[/i]

He's the one with the red hazy eyes
He sees only anger and sells them as lies
His vision clouds over and he lets loose his flame
He left a frail angel in a medical frame

The majority rules, they all cut him down
They happily beat him into a solid glass gown
He tried to be welcomed because he had changed
He wasn't the only one fully derranged

He took up the helm and led them to win
For once he could stand tall and endlessly grin
Saffron rain and white plumage dropped down
He stood there encased in a humiliating gown

They framed a friend
The bullets took flight
One victim will never walk
The other followed the light.
Is retribution still underpaid?

So now who is to blame?
So now who will you hate?
When you find someone else
Will you kick them to the gate?
And then, when they're gone
Who else will you blame?
The cycle continues
In a neverending game.

You wanted him gone.
So he left.
He's never coming back.
It's your fault.

---

I'm a little obsessed with Degrassi. I was so angry at the whole cast because they're just always looking for someone to blame when in reality, it's their fault that Rick died and that Jimmy is in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

Well, pretty lame of me to write about a TV Show, but this was around two in the morning. I'm a little melodramatic. And I've got nothing else to write about. I'm not completely angsty. xP;;

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