Writing Something to Forget Me By [E]

[Bullet Theory]

[center]These days come to an end as quickly as they began[/center]
[center]Darkness falling on my world and I try as hard as I can[/center]
[center]But no matter what I do nothing can help me now[/center]
[center]I sit here wishing I could be saved somehow[/center]
[center]-- [/center]
[center]My heart has turned to ash over the years[/center]
[center]My soul turned black after all the wasted tears[/center]
[center]Constantly searching for the one to carry me through[/center]
[center]The sunset is turning to grey in my distorted view[/center]
[center]--[/center]
[center]The God that I once knew has vanished and forsaken me[/center]
[center]Why must these people keep clawing and breaking me[/center]
[center]This bleak and hopeless future lie burried in the sand[/center]
[center]The product of a restless and broken heart. [/center]
[center]--[/center]
[center]Tell me whatcha think! CC greatly appreciated. ^_^[/center]

[ArunueShekamari]

Well, the theme was constant and I could relate to the topic, considering that as I went through it I found things I'd've changed and reworded. But that's the only positive critisism I can give.
I found lines that, even though they fit, they didn't exactly flow the best with the line abouve it. True at times things like that make a good variety, but not in this case. As well, there wasn't very good clousure. Clousure in a poem is just as important as it is in a story.
All-in-all, 5/10.

[Kamuro]

[SIZE=1]First off, I love the title of this poem. Taking a cliche phrase and changing it's meaning to suit the idea of the writing, it's nice and it works well with the overall feel of the poem.

The first two verses meshed well and presented a good talent for writing and an obvious passion. You keep to the rhyming scheme and stick to the original idea, not wandering off and relating things uneccessarily. This allows for the reader to go through it flawlessly and the words to roll off the tongue rather fumble and disrupt the flow of the poem. Nice job.

The last verse isn't nearly as impressive. It seems as though your thoughts got a bit cluttered and the words came out wrong. Maybe it's the right feeling you were going for, but it's merely arranged in a less attractive way. You break the rhyme scheme and although the idea remains, you use longer statements and include more syllables which can complicate the reading after the flawless first two verses.

It doesn't offer closure but I really don't think it was meant to. The poem obviously exudes a morbid idea of unhappiness which never really seems to end when dealing with one unfortunate event after another. Why offer an end to the poem when the original idea or problem in question hasn't quite ended itself. This could be the first installment in a much larger story we've yet to read. You never know.

Overall I liked the poem and thought it offered a lot to the reader, as long as they're open-minded and find some rhythm while reading I think it go's over quite well.[/SIZE]

[Pumpkin]

[SIZE=1]Lovely poem. Somehow it reminded me of a Christian love song for some reason, strange no? Maybe it's because you added god in there. First off, I have to say I love the rhythm you had going in the beginning, thats really catchy and I know its hard to make things rhyme and also have meaning to them. Believe me, that is tough, since I fail all the time when making things rhyme. Anyways, I have to agree with [i]Kamuro[/i] a bit where there was no closure and it seemed as if you rushed the ending a bit. I didn't quite get that last part so much as the beginning, it left me a little clueless. It could use some improvement but I would definately rate it a 7/10 poem. Great work and hope to see more of your poetic work in the future. [/SIZE]