The_Mix_Breed Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 [COLOR=Indigo][B]It doesn't ryhym(sp?) but I think its pretty anyway. [/B] [CENTER] [I]You seemed so alone in the world. I think I told you that I'd always be your freind. I didn't know the right words to tell you that I love you. We each had our own dreams And they came between us. I'd give it all up if it was for you But I've chained myself to it. I'm your rival and it's my responsibility. I fight when I don't want to fight anymore And I try to be hard like you want me to be. But I'm just a girl, I'm sensitive. Your hate leaves wounds I can't heal But when you need I am there. I don't know how not to love you. It seems you don't know who I am anymore. I want to ask why you bothered if you never cared. I wonder if you'll remember me If I've touched your life at all. Everytime I see the sky I think of something I heard once before I want to be able to look at the moon And know you're looking at it too. [/I] [/CENTER] [/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kamuro Posted August 20, 2005 Share Posted August 20, 2005 [SIZE=1]I couldn't really find a beat while I was reading, so it was tough to find rhythm and let the words role off your tongue. It might be better if you seperated it into different verses or took syllables into consideration while writing. It doesn't have to rhyme to be a poem, or have a certain style, I just find it works better if sometimes you condense the sentences themselves without changing their meaning to accomodate a rhythm. Asside from structure I think the writings good. The poem has solid meaning and passion, which is essential in any work. You express feelings fluently within the writing allowing for easy understanding and comprehension. Lots of potential.[/SIZE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted August 21, 2005 Share Posted August 21, 2005 [size=2]All threads within OB Anthology -- and, indeed, the Arena -- [i]must[/i] be rated for maturity. Any thread that is not rated will be closed. To learn more about thread ratings, please see the [url="http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313"]OB Anthology Basics[/url]. You may feel free to recreate this thread with the appropriate rating. Thread Closed.[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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