Writing apology [E]

[Mitch]

apologies are coins collected over the years,
a currency worth a kiss, maybe a reminisce.
my love writing, put one in the piggy bank
for you rightfully accuse that i lose,
yet all the sorries don't drown the sorrows.

not creative enough, not enough boldness, not like you
i shall die a death i will forever rue.
when my time comes and looms
it is true.

not spontaneous enough, not enough imagination, not like you.
i'll die a death i'll forever rue
when my time comes and looms
it is true.

apologies are unchangeable failures,
failures killing the weak and strengthening the strong.
my love writing, where has there been wrong?
for you rightfully accuse that i lose,
yet through all the failures i arise anew.

[Charles]

[CENTER][IMG]http://www.beverlymelvin.com/COVER_HERE_WE_GO_AGAIN_smaller.jpg[/IMG][/CENTER]

[Brasil]

Now, if I comment with anything less than "OMG Mitch, that was so beautiful and I cant believe you need to go to sckool!!!"...what would happen?

I just fail to see the point of the piece. So you rise from each failure. Okay. So what? I bounce back harder and with more intensity than most ever will, and I've got an appetite for destruction that few will ever match. What greater point to this piece is there, other than some repetitive dis-establishmentarian annoyance?

What happened to your superhero piece? That was actually good, because you were trying something different, so it was fresh and entertaining. This piece...what? It's a topic for you that's been beaten to death by you, and I find the entire ideology to be horridly boring--as does Charles, too, by the looks of his image reply.

[Annie]

[size=1]When I first read over the poem, I felt that "I" was apologizing for no reason. It seemed that "you" was being a bully and kind of abusing. But, after reading it a few more times, it now seems that "I" was actually in the wrong. Stating that they are clearly deserving of the accusations and cold shoulder. However, I feel some sort of spite in their statements:[/size]

[quote=Mitch][b]not creative enough, not enough boldness, not like you[/b]
i shall die a death i will forever rue.
when my time comes and looms
it is true.

[b]not spontaneous enough, not enough imagination, not like you.[/b]
i'll die a death i'll forever rue
when my time comes and looms
it is true.[/quote]

[size=1]I bolded those lines because that's where I got the spiteful vibe. Sort of like "I" is feeling that "Nothing will be good enough for you, nothing will ever be perfect for you..no matter how many times I apologize." Which flows good into the next couple lines because "I" accepts the failure and punishment for their actions. [/size]

[quote]apologies are unchangeable failures,
failures killing the weak and strengthening the strong.
my love writing, where has there been wrong?
for you rightfully accuse that i lose,
yet through all the failures i arise anew.[/QUOTE]

[size=1]Good way to end. Despite how much it hurts to admit you were wrong, or how much it pains to be unforgiven, coming back with a changed state of mind makes you all the much stronger. You live, you learn; you make mistakes, and you learn from them to continue living and surviving.

I think you did well for this part of your assignment.[/size]

[Mitch]

revision.

apologies are coins collected over the years,
a currency worth a kiss, maybe a reminisce.
my love writing, put one in the piggy bank
for you rightfully accuse that i lose.
yet this sorry, a penny, is all i can give.

not creative enough, not bold, not new
the death i die is one i'll rue
it's true.
no apology this can undo.

apologies are unchangeable failures
killing the weak, giving strength to the strong.
my love writing, where has there been wrong?
for you rightfully accuse that i lose,
yet through all the failures i arise anew.

[Charles]

All right, to begin, you use a metaphor in the first line. Apologies become a monetary value. Which of course, removes the sincerity from them but at the same time indicates that they're worth [i]something[/i]. So, you can spend them, save them, donate them, whatever. Above all else, by definition, then, their purpose is to be exchanged for something. But, the speaker is storing them for some purpose here, which seems to be a desire to cling onto, and cherish memories relating to apologies.

The apologies are "worth a kiss, maybe a reminisce" which clearly defines their value. These romantic gestures seem to refer to various apologies' power to strengthen a relationship. At this point, the first two lines of your poem, you're painting an interesting picture. You have the conflicting superficiality of monetary value, and the strengthening value of apologies contradicting one another. Which, is nice. I'm interested in seeing where you're going with it all at this point.

The third line, as I've said, leads to some confusion when you personify the act of writing and designate it as your audience. It's also worded awkwardly in its context. Instead of phrasing it as "Writing, my love," you chose "my love writing" which just reads awkwardly. Keep in mind the syntax is not my primary issue. It's that you follow the opening contradiction of superficial and sincere values with a further contradiction that makes no sense, which leads to a mess. You're claiming that writing is your passion, your love, but you're also admitting that it's rightfully accusing you of [i]not[/i] being a good writer. It's apologizing to you for revealing this truth, but you claim that the apology is not needed--false apologies can't hide the fact that "Writing" is correct. See, I just don't feel that the personification of an action, such as writing works here. Something or someone can surely deny you of your confidence or ability. But the act always has to be innocent. It's something we create that's independent from us. So, I can understand an [i]internalalized conflict[/i]. Making "writing" the enemy, I can not. If it was made clear that something inside you told you that your pursuit of writing was hopeless, it would be powerful. But, when you claim that "writing" itself would inflict this sorrow, I've got to balk.

The second stanza because of this direction suffers. It would be great if you said that you can't master creativity or boldness, but how can you not be like writing? To say that writing is a stranger with many faces, your true love that you'll never know says something. This does not. The rest of the stanza is fine but it doesn't say enough. You'll die a death you'll forever rue. Why? Elaborate. Infuse some passion. Make me feel your frustration. This is too passive and brief. Too detached. Too empty. It's easy enough to tell us that you'll die, bitter and lamenting the fact that your limitations are preventing you from mastering a craft you love, but make us feel it. A lot of people suffer from this feeling. People older than you. Make that connection with the audience instead of making them think "bid deal, buddy." Ditto for the next stanza, of course.

The last stanza resolves the opening conflict you presented by portraying apologies as completely negative gestures. You're claiming that apologies never succeed in mending a situation. But, then you claim that they're strengthening the strong--so how can they be failures? They're succeeding on some level for a particular group. Yet, why would they be killing the weak and strengthening the strong in the first place? Wouldn't it be the complete opposite? Wouldn't the weak require apologies to suit their own insecurities while the strong would already possess the resolve to continue on regardless?

Apparently, you then proceed to ask writing where you've gone wrong (but it's worded poorly because it sounds very vague). I don't see why you would need to ask this since you've already admitted that it's rightfully accused you of losing--a sentiment that you actually repeat again in the very next line. by that logic, you should already know where you've gone wrong. And yet, through all this you "arise anew." This suggests that "writing" [b]hasn't[/b] rightfully accused you of losing. I think this should be reflected in the next-to-last line.

The change "you [i]wrongfully[/i] accuse that I lose" would compliment the opening lines well by presenting a maturation and strengthening in the speaker not through apologies but by a personal strength of character. Then, you would be saying something. You would be saying that apologies shouldn't be required to build strength. It should come from experience and from somewhere within. But, as it stands you're not saying that. You're not really saying much of anything at all because all you're doing is trapping yourself in a web of contradictions.

I hope I've been of some help.

[Mitch]

revision #2

apologies are coins collected over the years,
a currency worth a kiss, maybe a reminisce.
my love writing, put one in the piggy bank
for you rightfully accuse that i lose.
yet this sorry, a penny, is all i can give.

not creative enough, not bold, not new
the death i die is one i'll rue
frustration, determination, attitude
wanting greatness, feeling i am but dew
beautiful, gone when the morning's through.
it's true.
no apology this can undo.

apologies are failures to the weak,
and absent to the strong, who toil on.
my love writing, where has there been wrong?
for you wrongfully accuse that i lose,
yet through all the failures i arise anew.