Writing "autumn is here at last" [E]

[Mitch]

autumn is here at last
leaves yellow, fall fast
wind soughs a blast
eerie peace, pleasant contrast

fall, when i was born
dead yet alive, withered, worn
hinting death, winter's scorn
during fall i shall die, none mourn

another october, here again
halloween to come, children grin
and my life, it seems to begin
all over, and i ask when

when will my season take me,
for i am a last leaf left on a tree
somewhere waiting to see
the end of days as i onward dream

[Brasil]

"wind soughs a blast"

"Soughs" and "blast" are opposites. The line doesn't work. How could a tree be blasting softly? Poetic license or no, it still makes absolutely no sense and it just lodges a speedbump into the work, because if your reader already knows what "soughs" means, they'll grimace, just like I did. And if they don't know what the word means, they'll look it up, and then grimace.

Also, Fall by its nature is not windy, or gusty, so characterizing it with the blasty winds has no real correlation to Fall anyway. Just think about it. If Fall were the only gusty season, we would never have breezy Spring days. What effect are you trying to go for here? Since breezy and gusty days aren't exclusive to Fall, the idea makes no sense.

Why talk about the wind when there are much better subjects more closely associated with fall, like leaves crunching and crackling on the ground as people walk over them?

Something like that would at least provide a much more concrete connection to the next line, "eerie peace, pleasant contrast," because a contrast, by definition, is more pleasant when it's a stronger contrast, because who enjoys a weak contrast in anything? And what's a more distinct contrast between silence and noise? Leaves rustling in the trees or the loud crackle of leaves getting crushed?

Plus, if it's an eerie peace, an uncomfortable silence in a sense, you'd want the loudest possible juxtaposition of sound, which would be leaves being crushed, not leaves in the trees being caught in a "soughed blast."

Why the personification of a leaf, anyway? What's the connection between the narrator and leaves in autumn? Withered? Tired? Worn out? I could see that if the narrator were indeed the [i]last[/i] leaf of autumn, and the next stanza would make sense if it were possible the narrator was the last leaf of autumn, but the very first line of the piece effectively nullifies that possibility: "autumn is here at last."

It clearly establishes that autumn has just begun. So most trees would still have rather full branches--and those that have lost leaves already would certainly not be down to the last one, less than a month into autumn.

The language of the piece itself, and what the language itself means, is contradicting just about everything in the piece so far.

And when the language doesn't click together, readers start to wonder why that language was even chosen in the first place, because it begins to seem terribly arbitrary.

So...I find myself asking what's the point of the piece, because the ideas are contradictory within the piece itself, as there's no real cogent, consistent use of the metaphor LIFE IS A YEAR.

[Nomura]

Well I liked it, mitch. I think it's good that you expressed your self as great as possible. Keep up the awesome work!

[Mitch]

revised. i still need to think of something that's not so hackeneyed about fall, because leaves cracking as people step on them is cliche to me. i like it better now though. even though it was windy today (that's why there was the whole bit about the wind), i think this is better, especially if a reader picks it up and reads it.

autumn is here at last
leaves yellow, fall fast
crack as people walk past
eerie peace, pleasant contrast

fall, when i was born
dead yet alive, withered, worn
hinting death, winter's scorn
during fall i shall die, none mourn

another october, here again
halloween to come, children grin
and my life, it seems to begin
all over, and i ask when

when will my season die, taking me,
for i am the last leaf left on a tree
somewhere waiting to see
the end of days as i onward dream

[Brasil]

Hackneyed? Cliched? Eh. A few things. One, consider the alternative: using an obscure word with an obscure definition that has no benefit. Either your reader scratches his or her head in confusion, then decides to put down the work because it's just too dry, or they decide to look in a dictionary, find the definition, go back to the piece, and then scratch their head because the word still doesn't make sense.

I mean...out-of-context, the phrase "soughs a blast" makes no sense, and in-context, it makes no sense.

Regarding the hackneyed thing, what are you basing that assessment on? The fact that dead leaves crackle when they get crushed? Because it's a common quality of Fall, something many writers include? Because you've seen it before?

I'm trying to provide a rationalization--an explanation--for that assessment of yours, and so far, that's the only one I could think of...and if commonplace occurrences make phrases cliche, the entire piece is basically one huge cliche: yellow leaves; wither and worn; Fall and death (major cliche...metaphor found throughout history); children laughing and smiling because Halloween is coming; last leaf on a tree.

Get what I'm saying here?

With regards to the rest...the meter needs a lot of work, because a lot of the lines are terribly awkward, mainly due to the lack of consistency between lines and stanzas. You go from 6 to 5, to 6, to 7. You're basically all over the place. And it's severely detrimental to the piece, because it never has a comfortable rhythm to it and just ends up feeling really clunky.

Try reading the first stanza out loud, for example, and really listen to where you need an extra syllable or two.

I read all of my stuff out loud (not loud enough so people can hear me, obviously, but loud enough so I can hear it), and it's immensely helpful to "hear" what the flow should be. And often, after reading it out loud, it's so obvious that you can't believe you didn't see it to begin with.

Try iambic tetrameter or something in that ballpark. I have a feeling it'll work pretty well--or at least a lot better than the current mismatched syllabic jumble.

The ideas still jumble together in a less than cogent manner, as well. Assuming the "i" is a leaf, as established by the [i]last[/i] stanza (Big no-no, by the way. Establish ideas and correlations earlier), "fall, when i was born" would indicate when the leaf began to grow. But leaves don't begin to grow in the Fall. They bud in the Spring.

"dead yet alive, withered, worn" doesn't make anything any clearer. If anything, it just further confuses the material, because like previously, it's just inserting a contradictory idea that adds to the clumsy and awkward nature of the piece--something you don't want.

[DeadSeraphim]

[size=1][color=indigo][font=arial][quote] "dead yet alive, withered, worn" doesn't make anything any clearer. If anything, it just further confuses the material, because like previously, it's just inserting a contradictory idea that adds to the clumsy and awkward nature of the piece--something you don't want.[/quote]
That makes plenty of sense...lol. Think of it in context. In Autumn everything looks like it's dying, yet it is alive. Little kids are often confused by the fact that so many trees and things look so withered and old in Autumn, so [i]dead[/i]... yet they are still alive and will burst into life come spring. It's contradictory, but it doesn't confuse the piece because that's what Autumn is. A contradiction.

Anyway, I really like this Mitch. I like the rhyme scheme a lot, and the imagery. Good work. :)[/font][/color][/size]

[Brasil]

[QUOTE=René]
That makes plenty of sense...lol. Think of it in context. In Autumn everything looks like it's dying, yet it is alive. Little kids are often confused by the fact that so many [u][b]trees and things[/b][/u] look so withered and old in Autumn, so dead... yet they are still alive and will burst into life come spring. It's contradictory, but it doesn't confuse the piece because that's what Autumn is. A contradiction.

Anyway, I really like this Mitch. I like the rhyme scheme a lot, and the imagery. Good work. :)[/QUOTE]
Alan, the "dead yet alive" portion is referring to a leaf. The final stanza of the piece explicitly defines the "i" as a leaf. And the leaves aren't alive. The tree still is. That's why come spring, it will bloom again. But the leaf itself is dead...entirely. If the leaf itself weren't entirely dead--if it weren't dead at all, merely flirting with death--the tree would be an evergreen. But it's not.

There's a distinction there in the piece you're missing. Barren trees during the winter are still alive. The leaves that are crackling, yellow and falling? They're completely dead.

"Trees and things." We're not talking about trees and things, and neither is the piece here when referring to "fall when i was born/dead yet alive."

Just think about that for a moment.

[DeadSeraphim]

[size=1][color=indigo][font=arial]I don't see it as refering to the leaf at all. I read it as every verse leading up to the verse with the leaf paints a picture of Autumn, setting the scene. In that sense, it makes perfect sense, and that's my interpretation of the poem.[/font][/color][/size]

[Brasil]

[quote name='René']I don't see it as refering to the leaf at all. I read it as every verse leading up to the verse with the leaf paints a picture of Autumn, setting the scene. In that sense, it makes perfect sense, and that's my interpretation of the poem.[/quote]
Then you're ignoring the actual language of the piece, Alan. There's no other way the "i" throughout it could mean anything other than a leaf. Look at the repetition:

"fall, when [color=Red]*i*[/color] was born/dead yet alive, withered, worn/hinting death, winter's scorn/during fall [color=Red]*i*[/color] shall die, none mourn"

"and [color=Red]*my*[/color] life, it seems to begin/all over, and [color=Red]*i*[/color] ask when"

"when will [color=Red]*my*[/color] season die, taking [color=Red]*me*[/color]/for [color=Red]*i*[/color] am [i]the last leaf left on a tree[/i]/somewhere waiting to see/the end of days as [color=Red]*i*[/color] onward dream"

I've marked how often "my" and "i" is repeated, and what the "i" is defined as at the end of the piece. Up until the very last stanza, there's no indication at all the "i" refers to a tree...or anything else that isn't a leaf.

Furthermore, there's a leaf emphasis, if you will, through the entire work. You have descriptions of dead, yellow leaves in the beginning, falling leaves, withered...Alan, the entire piece is about a leaf (and that's one reason why it needs revision, because some things don't make sense given that metaphor). It's pretty plain as day.

And then Mitch even outright tells you the "narrator" is a leaf in the final stanza.

There's nothing in the piece to suggest what you're saying or seeing, Alan. I don't see why you'd argue it, unless there's something compelling you to reply that I'm utterly missing. Care to explain if there is?

[Annie]

[quote name='Brasil'] I don't see why you'd argue it, unless there's something compelling you to reply that I'm utterly missing.[/quote]

[size=1]Alan's reply is based on what [i]he[/i] sees in the poem. You don't see what he sees, that's perfectly obvious. You see a leaf, Alan sees something more in depth. I'm very aware of the fact that Mitch wrote the poem as to where it looks like it's all about the leaf, and it may be just that. But there's no need to get all fiesty.

"for i am the last leaf left on a tree"

I personally can see the phrase "last man standing" in that. Does that make the narrator a leaf, or a man? This, of course, is all in the eye of the reader.

[quote name='Brasil']Care to explain if there is?[/quote]

Perhaps a PM or two would be a better idea. >_> [/size]

[Brasil]

[quote name='Goddess']But there's no need to get all fiesty.[/quote] Rawr! Rawr I say! Rawr!

[quote]Alan's reply is based on what he sees in the poem. You don't see what he sees, that's perfectly obvious. You see a leaf, Alan sees something more in depth. I'm very aware of the fact that Mitch wrote the poem as to where it looks like it's all about the leaf, and it may be just that.

"for i am the last leaf left on a tree"

I personally can see the phrase "last man standing" in that. Does that make the narrator a leaf, or a man? This, of course, is all in the eye of the reader. [/QUOTE] I consider the language itself, that's all. It's all pointing towards leafy things. And really, I don't think there's any literal re-interpretation that can say the "i" in the poem isn't a leaf.

Narrator a leaf or a man is metaphorical. If a man is represented by the leaf, that's metaphorical.

What I was talking about was straight-up, purely literal language, because LEAF IS A MAN (it relates to HUMANS ARE PLANTS) makes much more sense in the context of the piece than TREE IS A MAN.

Oh, I capitalized those phrases because I'm going by a few Linguistic rules regarding metaphor analysis.

[Nomura]

Boy, it seems maybe you're making this a little too complicated...All I know is that it's an awesome poem.

[Mitch]

revision #2.

autumn is here at last
leaves yellow, fall fast
the trees naked, gloomy, vast
eerie peace, pleasant contrast

fall is when i was born
dead yet alive, withered, worn
hinting death, winter's scorn
during fall i shall die, none mourn

spring gone, october is in
halloween to come, children grin
and life, it seems to begin
all over, and i ask when

when will fall die and take me
for i am a barren, empty tree
who grows leaves, watches them flee
end of days as i onward dream

[Brasil]

Still needs some work. Here's what I changed so far. I don't have time to do the entire thing, and the 4th stanza is just so heavily weakened by that whole tree change that I'm not even going to bother touching it in that state.

[quote]autumn is here at last
leaves have yellowed, falling fast
the trees so naked--gloomy, vast
an eerie peace, pleasant contrast

fall--when i was born
dead but yet alive, withered, growing worn
hinting death, knowing winter's scorn
during fall i shall die, but none shall mourn

another october, here again
halloween is near, the children grin
and life, it appears, will begin
but i am left standing, to ask again

when fall will die and take me
for i am a barren, empty tree
who grows leaves, watches them flee
end of days as i onward dream[/quote] The 4th stanza...it's sounding more motherly sorrow with your change to the tree, and for the purposes of the piece, I don't think motherly sorrow is what you were looking for, and I don't think you realize what the difference between a leaf and a tree is going to do to the overall meaning.

If you want to keep the original intent of the piece ("the last man standing" as Annie said), the tree is the last thing you want in there.


~Alex

[Charles]

[quote name='Nomura']Boy, it seems maybe you're making this a little too complicated...All I know is that it's an awesome poem.[/quote]

That kind of attitude is what's wrong with this forum. It may be easy to just blurt out a reply that requires no thought whatsoever, like "Wow, awesome poem, man." But, it also doesn't help the author at all.

[DeadSeraphim]

[color=indigo][size=1][font=arial]Thankyou, Alex, for telling me my [b]opinion[/b] is [U]wrong[/U]. I'll attempt to explain my [b]opinion[/b], so you can possibly see [b]my[/b] take on this.

I saw the first revision as narrated by someone (perhaps Mitch) born in Autumn, with the line about the leaf in the last verse being a clever metaphor. When reading through it I didn't get the idea the narrator was a leaf at all. Considering the name and theme of the poem, I thought the references to Autumn were, yet again, clever metaphor.

The second revision is more obvious in it's intentions to make out the narrator as a tree/leaf, however. It's less open to interpretation, and more literal - I think this is in part due to the last verse being more obvious, and it makes the tone of the preceding verses different, especially on multiple rereadings. I like it a lot, but I'm not much chop at crit, heh. Sorry.[/font][/size][/color]

[Brasil]

[quote name='René]Thankyou, Alex, for telling me my opinion is [u]wrong[/u'].[/quote]
The horror, the horror! Sorry, man, but you really make me laugh sometimes. As for the rest, I think a few references are in order.

[quote]I'll attempt to explain my opinion, so you can possibly see my take on this.

I saw the first revision as narrated by someone (perhaps Mitch) born in Autumn, with the line about the leaf in the last verse being a clever metaphor. When reading through it I didn't get the idea the narrator was a leaf at all. Considering the name and theme of the poem, I thought the references to Autumn were, yet again, clever metaphor.

The second revision is more obvious in it's intentions to make out the narrator as a tree/leaf, however. It's less open to interpretation, and more literal - I think this is in part due to the last verse being more obvious, and it makes the tone of the preceding verses different, especially on multiple rereadings. I like it a lot, but I'm not much chop at crit, heh. Sorry.[/QUOTE]
Thing is, though, Alan, the narrator is either a leaf or a tree. Not both. And since the last stanza now uses "tree," the poem makes even less sense, because the "i" isn't defined until the very end, and then when it is defined, trees aren't born in the fall.

In colder weather, you can transplant them when they've matured a bit, but planting them during October is not a good idea, because they will not survive.

And again, this all comes back to how the language of the piece needs heavy, heavy revision, because metaphorical or not...those words do not make sense. A metaphor is completely wasted if a reader can't get past a shoddy word selection--and the word selection is still shoddy, because things aren't born in the Fall, especially plants.

I'll use two quick and easy examples to show what I mean regarding that "defined as" part. In Othello and The Usual Suspects, their endings re-define what we're supposed to think about certain characters.

In Othello, you look at which characters are alive at the end, and which ones are dead, and the lack of the strong-willed female characters (because something happened to them during the play) is indicative of what Shakespeare thought of the so-called "Women's Lib" movement. He wasn't against it, necessarily, but he was certainly thinking they needed to be more cautious.

In The Usual Suspects, we don't know who Kaizer Soze is the entire film. We're given a red herring here and there, but we only find out at the very end. It changes the entire dynamic of the film, and we see one character radically differently.

Same thing is happening here, only the piece suffers because the language itself isn't structured to support that ending. That's why some of the ideas sound so clunky. A barren tree is symbolic of a mother figure, but there's nothing previously to begin to support that, nor is there after any re-interpretation when the reader reaches the end of the piece.

Get what I'm saying? The entire piece will need a serious overhaul if the tree is kept in there, because the entire piece does not reflect that "Barren mother" theme, and considering the piece made much more sense when we still had the leaf "Last man standing" theme? The barren tree belongs in a different piece.

[Mitch]

well alex, what i don't get is where you're getting the "motherly" thing from this. i don't quite understand that. has a barren tree typically been associated with a motherly figure? if so, i was never aware of this, and i see that that definitely must be changed.

as for the whole tree growing in autumn thing. . .do you think it might be possible for a tree to grow in autumn, despite the harsher conditions than spring, if things went right enough for the tree? or, do you think it would be more powerful to implement a pine tree, an evergreen, as opposed to just some "tree." the specificity of an evergreen tree would even be better as well i think. and also, the fact that a pine tree remains green even through harsh weather is a nice testament. however, if i was to implement that, i would have to get rid of the leaf thing entirely, and the poem would need a lot done to it - which is good in ways and bad in others, of course. but i'm equal to give it a try.

are there any other suggestions you could give me, alex or charles or anyone, as to how to make this metaphor work? i understand it logically doesn't work to someone who would just pick it up (it makes sense in its way to me, but that doesn't matter). anything will help. i want to make this better. i understand you are trying to help me already alex, and your suggestions are helping, but i just don't know quite which direction to take with the poem.

also, i just read the whole "transplanting of a tree" thing in your prior post. i think this is also a great idea. it would work very well for the piece i think. i might give that a shot as well. i like that whole image and what it means overall: a tree transplanted into harsh conditions that grows stronger and survives despite.

i'll be messing with the poem sometime and trying to get stuff like this to work, and see how it goes.

[Brasil]

Well, Mitch, the first thing that should tip you off about what a "barren tree" is going to mean symbolically is the word, "barren."

Think of...the story of Abraham, for example. Sarah, his wife, was [i]barren[/i] for 90 years (the text actually uses the word "barren" in the narrative). She couldn't produce children.

It's a word very closely associated with fertility throughout history and literature. It means the opposite of fertile, obviously, but it's still a word that relates to the entire concept of fertility.

And including "barren tree" is going to smack the audience in the face with a fertility theme...with a "motherly sorrow," because historically, the mother is the one who produces life, just like a tree does. So when you're talking about a barren tree that wants to die because it can't produce? Yeah. That's motherly sorrow all the way. lol

About the tree growing in autumn thing...there's really no way to reconcile the piece in its current state by using an evergreen, because you'd have to discard the entire leaves yellowed image. Evergreens stay green because that's part of their genetic make-up, basically.

And non-evergreens don't continue to grow in autumn. If they did, the leaves wouldn't die, because the tree would still be providing some type of nutrients and support through its root structure. That's not to say trees die, necessarily, but if they didn't go into a sort of hibernation, we'd have green all year 'round, on every tree we see.

So to answer your question, given a regular winter/autumn? You'd either have to have a super-tree or an evergreen.

And for the purposes of this piece, I don't think either of those options would work all that well.

Let's see...what else...

[quote]however, if i was to implement that, i would have to get rid of the leaf thing entirely, and the poem would need a lot done to it[/quote] Yeah, that's what I said earlier to Alan, because any slight variation in the final stanza is going to require major alterations to the body of the piece.

If the "i" at the end is kept to be a leaf, you have the "last man standing" theme, which is a solid idea. The language of the original draft (barring edits to make it flow better and the "when i was born" trainwreck, lol) reflects that theme of loneliness.

If the "i" at the end is kept to be a tree, then, like I've said, the entire piece needs serious revision to stay consistent with [i]that[/i] theme of the "motherly sorrow."

If the "i" becomes an evergreen, again--honestly, I'd just write a new piece centered around that theme, and not even try transforming this current one to fit that mold. It would be more work than it's worth, I think.

The transplanting idea would only work given an evergreen, because for a slightly more extreme example, if you write a poem about a palm tree being transplanted to Wisconsin and surviving...it's going to be so unbelievable that the reader will just write it off as nonsense.

And now that I think about it, any tree transplanted into a harsher condition and surviving (beating the odds!) is going to sound hokey...even an evergreen. It doesn't even really make sense. I mean, an evergreen stays green all the time, so why would it be so amazing if it stays green in a climate difference of 50 degrees? Doesn't really sound like a cogent concept.

[quote]but i just don't know quite which direction to take with the poem.[/quote] I think you really need to seriously consider just what you want to do with this piece before you go in any direction, honestly. You need to think long and hard about what the subject is going to be, what the language will be that best complements that subject.

Basically...until you know which idea you want to use (the leaf, the tree, or the evergreen)...the piece is going to keep floundering, and it's been floundering for a while now from what I can tell, because you change one or two words here and there, because you aren't sure what to do (because you don't have a clear idea for the piece), and so the jumble keeps getting worse.

Just...decide what the piece is going to be about. Until you do that--until you stop the pussy-footing around--very few people here can help at all, and a few will only further confuse things, because they don't have the training necessary, or because they just don't have the capacity to see what needs to be done--or at least to see what the current states of both the poem, and the ideas behind the poem, limit.

EDIT: Hahaha, here's something for you. Work the barren tree in so the entire piece makes sense, and base the work on menopause!

[Nomura]

Sorry, I'm new here. LOL. Okay, Mitch, one thing I didn't like about this poem was the fact that it is about basically a metaphor, about the way things die etc. But it just doesn't seem truly right when you say "I shall die in fall". Somehow it sorta makes the metaphor become too clear. Sure, you definitely want people to know what it's about, but... A good word choice for death, is possibly fade away, etc.

[Mitch]

getting somewhere.

autumn is here at last
leaves yellow, fall fast
the trees are naked - gloomy, vast
an eerie peace, a pleasant contrast

fall is when i'll be torn
dead yet alive, withered, worn
hinting death, having winter's scorn
when i fall, none will mourn

for the leaves must die again
must fall freely and grim
yet all over, life seems to begin
and i hang, asking when

when will fall die and take me
for i am the last leaf left on a tree
waiting on a bough to see
end of days as i onward dream

[Brasil]

Getting somewhere, yeah. Just bear with me here, because I'm going to be adding red text right in there.

autumn is here at last
leaves yellow, fall[color=Red][ing][/color] fast
the trees are naked - gloomy, vast
an eerie peace, [color=Red]a pleasant contrast[/color]

fall is when i'll be torn
dead yet alive, withered, worn
hinting death, [color=Red]having winter's scorn
[/color] when i fall, none will mourn

for the leaves must die again
must fall freely [color=Red][needs another beat or two here][/color] and grim
yet all over, life seems to begin [color=Red][this line is phrased awkwardly...interrupts the rhythm of the previous two lines][/color]
and i hang, asking when

when [color=Red][The "when" here is redundant. See my previous edits for suggestions][/color] will fall die and take me
for i am the last leaf left on a tree [color=Red][This line also needs revision--it's too long, too many beats. Sticks out in a bad way.][/color]
waiting on a bough to see
end of days as i onward dream

I highlighted where there needs to be revision, and also added a few notes there. I think you need to start hearing how the poem is flowing...or how it's not in certain places.

I'm not saying it needs to be sing-songy, but more lyrical ballad would help a lot to smooth it out. And it would probably help get rid of some of the uneven lines, too.

[Mitch]

[quote]EDIT: Hahaha, here's something for you. Work the barren tree in so the entire piece makes sense, and base the work on menopause![/quote]

O.o. That would be interesting, though. O.o

Back to business, anyway.

autumn is here at last
leaves yellow, falling fast
the trees are naked - gloomy, vast
an eerie peace, a stark contrast

fall is when i'll be torn
dead yet alive, withered, worn
hinting death, foreshadowing winter's scorn
when i fall, none will mourn

for the leaves must die again
must fall freely, changed and grim
life, it appears, will begin
and i hang, to ask then

when will fall die and take me
the last leaf on a tree
waiting on a bough to see
end of days as i onward dream

i was trying to get harbinger to work in there, but it was just making the line needlessly long. "harbingering" just sounds. . .odd, anyway. i find that even foreshadowing is needlessly long, too. i like how it makes you think of the shadows the leaves make as they scuttle about, though. i'm trying to think of other, shorter ways to say it, though. presage? "presaging winter's scorn"? "bringing winter's scorn"? i'll try to think of other words that are shorter that i like better.

[Nomura]

Uh oh...crazy blonde moment.

hinting death, yet living as winter's scorn

I know...it's not gonna work.. hauling...hauling winter's scorn...no...pulling...no...

how 'bout

hinting death, defining winter's scorn

I'm just saying a couple of words that might not work(probably won't), but try them.

[Brasil]

[quote name='Mitch']O.o. That would be interesting, though. O.o[/quote] Yeah. And you know...it'd be fun as hell if it were slightly satirical, too. Plus...a male's perspective on menopause has a lot of great insights.

Let's see...

autumn is here at last
leaves yellow, falling fast
the trees are naked - gloomy, vast
an eerie peace, a stark contrast

fall is when i'll be torn
dead yet alive, withered, worn
hinting death, [color=Red][showing; knowing; announcing; proclaiming - they'd all fit, I think. I'm partial to "announcing" or "proclaiming." Perhaps "a prophet for"][/color] winter's scorn
when i fall, none [color=Red][shall][/color] mourn

for the leaves must die again
must fall freely, changed and grim
life, it appears, will begin [[color=Red]This line still doesn't sound right. Maybe more like "so it goes, life will begin again"[/color]]
and i hang, to ask then [[color=Red]Something odd here, beat-wise "but still i hang, asking then"[/color]]

when will fall die and take me
the last leaf on a tree
waiting on a bough to see
end of days as i onward dream