Guest discipleofkaos Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 In the darkness a sword is drawn, not even the angels can calm the anger in the veins. Life was taken, memories were distorted, hopes were lost in the stain. The simple stain of regret, where a man becomes a little boy. Tyring so hard to believe in dreams, trying so hard to come out alright. But everything is taken so quickly and a sword is thrusted into hands. Eyes become weary and a heart struggles to beat. Killed so many saved so few..why is this life harder each day? Living from breath to breath watching the life pass on by bleeding all the trust, keeping sane in the circimstance when all is lost ...Sometimes misguided sometimes thought to be great, is a warriros truth, a life that is no longer the warriors to take. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 "Warriors truth" is possessive, thus it gets an apostrophe: warrior[b]'s[/b] truth. Also, this piece would benefit immensely from the benefit of the traditional line, which is the truest thing separating prose from verse. In its current format, it just doesn't work. "Prosetry" is fun to mess around with but overall is a lost cause. I find that the line is a very suitable form for poetry and that the paragraph and sentences should stay where they belong. So, if I were to mess with it, you'd get something like this: [quote] In the darkness a sword is drawn, not even the angels can calm the anger in the veins. Life was taken, memories were distorted, hopes were lost in the stain. The simple stain of regret, where a man becomes a little boy. Tyring so hard to believe in dreams, trying so hard to come out alright. But everything is taken so quickly and a sword is thrusted into hands. Eyes become weary and a heart struggles to beat. Killed so many yet saved so few..why is this life harder each day? Living from breath to breath, watching the life pass on by bleeding all the trust, keeping sane in the circimstance when all is lost ... Sometimes misguided sometimes thought to be great, is a warrior's truth, a life that is no longer the warrior's to take.[/quote] Also, traditionally the first few lines of a poem set up the standard to follow throughout the entire poem. In the first two lines (or sentences, in the original "prosetry" version) you rhyme, but don't throughout the entirety of the rest of the poem. To a reader, this is offputting. Either you must make the other lines rhyme in the way L1-L2 do, or you need to get rid of the rhyme. Also, I don't have the time to do this myself, but poetry is about saving your words and having them just right. Words aren't to be wasted like they are in prose. Poetry has more than meets the eye, is focused, compact, compressed. This poem is not. It needs a lot of work done in this way, and it needs to be accomplished so that it works. I think what you have here is a good starting point for something that could be a good poem if you put enough work into it. Thing is, most people don't want to put this work in; and I doubt you will, either. At some point, though, a writer will realize the power of revision. So basically, you need to restructure these lines so they aren't as long as they are and are more taut and say more in less. The poem would also benefit from some stronger images (since figurative language/ images are the bread and butter of poetry), especially images that are very developed and most importantly, [i]fresh[/i], so that they stand out to the reader and interest the reader. As is, the poem has something, but lacks so much and ends up being cliche - that is, not presenting anything no one's heard of before in a newer kind of way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brasil Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 [quote name='Mitch']Also, I don't have the time to do this myself, but poetry is about saving your words and having them just right. Words aren't to be wasted like they are in prose. Poetry has more than meets the eye, is focused, compact, compressed.[/quote] Though, it should be noted that it can't become [i]too[/i] compressed. Otherwise, the meaning will become just as inaccessible as crappy and verbose prose. I don't want this kid to get the wrong idea (and anyone who reads this thread). All prose doesn't waste words, and all poetry doesn't need to be stripped down to the barest essentials. The work needs revision, of course, but a longer line (and a longer poem) can work provided the beats, rhythms, rhymes, etc., all click together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 [font=Arial][size=2]Welcome to OB Anthology, discipleofkaos. I strongly suggest that you read the [b][url="http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313"]OB Anthology Basics[/url][/b], which detail the ratings system that is in place in the forum. All threads in OB Anthology [i]must[/i] be rated for maturity, and any thread that is not rated will be closed. The good news is that you can re-create this thread with the appropriate rating. ^-^ Thread Closed.[/size][/font] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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