Writing Six [PG]

[Amorphous]

Comments, constructive critiscism, anything at all would be quite accepted and appreciated.

I am gold on your lips
Light smolders from flying embers
Saturate your face and flowing hips
Like glowing ashes in the snow
We all fall down
Six feet deeper then before.

Pass over the honey
I aim to live long and treacherous
Please the divinity
We are steeping into the cobblestones
And hedge mazes
Hand for hand and eye for eye.

Swelling in the formless sky
In the valley of separate life
And stagger out unusual
Delving into the ocean floor
We intend to stay
Six minutes longer then before.

A marble moon and powdery snow
A forest embalmed in silver and gold
Vines they creep up
On our bodies
And face lips shadowed
In the blackened flower vase.

Drenched in skin vacant mind
Like showers of olden skies
Thickets writhe and twitch
In the forest of the kiss
With eyes rounder then death themselves
Six less minutes on the shore.

[Adahn]

[QUOTE=Amorphous]Comments, constructive critiscism, anything at all would be quite accepted and appreciated.

Six feet deeper [b]then[/b] before.
Six minutes longer [b]then[/b] before.
[/QUOTE]
I do believe that when making a comparison, [i]than[/i] is the correct word, unless you are saying 'then' on purpose.

Other than that, I'm having trouble identifying the objects of the poem. There are two of them, and they are close somehow. In order to get an image of what's going on, it needs to be more clear about who/what the poem is centered on. Without that, the imagery is ineffective, a mere backdrop without actors in front of it.

I'm not trained in any type of poetic interpretation, but I have a fair amount of intelligence. I, the layman, am not able to get anything from it. If it was meant to go over my head in this way, then perhaps I am not the target audience. Without a focus on the objects, the poem just doesn't flow (for me).