Writing Jason [PG]

[Adahn]

Jason woke up screaming. Something soft and rubbery was pressed to his lips. Reflexively, he began to feed as he opened his eyes. The familiar face of his mother made him relax completely as he gazed lovingly up at her. He reached his tiny hand up towards his mother as she drifted away from him.

His gloved hand caught the baseball. He pulled his arm back down, taking the ball out of the mitt and sending it sailing towards his father. His father threw the ball back at him and disappeared as it sailed towards him.

The punch caught Jason in the left cheek, sending him sprawling to the ground. He spit out a bloody tooth, wiping the corner of his mouth with his sleeve. He got up and leaped towards his assailant, who receded into nothingness.

The bedsprings squeaked as Jason landed next to his girlfriend. She gave him a devilish look and pulled him to her. He kissed her fiercely as he grabbed the blanket and threw it over the both of them. He crawled on top of her just as she faded out of existence.

Jason reached for his alarm to stop its incessant racket. He pulled the blankets off of himself as he rolled onto his back, staring blankly at the ceiling. He heard his wife calling to him from downstairs. He groaned as he climbed out of bed and opened his bedroom door. He looked down the stairs and saw his young daughter's face beaming up at him. He smiled back at her, and she moved backwards into darkness.

Jason glanced over the edge of his paper to see his son opening the door for his prom date. Jason straightened his glasses and gave his son a nod, tossing him the keys to his car. His son snatched them out of the air and closed the door behind him as he left, filling the room with emptiness.

Jason wondered where the bright, smiling little girl on his knee came from, before remembering that it was his granddaughter. She gave him a big hug and kissed him on his old, wrinkled cheek. He hugged her back before setting her lightly on the ground. She blew him a kiss before running off into oblivion.

Jason went to sleep smiling.

[Baron Samedi]

[size=1]Cleverly constructed piece Adahn. I like how you've kept it short and graceful. You haven't lumbered on too long and made it awkward, which is great. The scenes fade into each other quite well, and the reader can quickly determine what's going on.

A nice piece to read ^_^[/size]

[Anxiety]

[size=1][color=darkred]Bravo! Bravo! *claps hands*

What a wonderful piece! Nice and detailed.

It's short and very mysterious. Every paragraph is different yet goes along with this piece. I was very interested in reading it though the title was dull. I hope more of your writing comes!


[b]==Anxiety==[/b][/color][/size]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Arial][size=2]I really like this piece, Adahn. I like the fact that you've chosen not just big moments -- like a fight -- but also little ones -- like being bottle fed -- to include. It gives it a sense of reality and it makes it more relative to the reader.

The only thing that kind of annoys me [and yet I can't see any other way] is that you end each paragraph in almost exactly the same way. What's funny is that I don't think it could end any other way, and yet...mmm.

[Just a side note; 4th paragraph, two 'landed's. ^.~]

I really love the ending and the last paragraph. The struggle of a man who can't remember who he is really gets me. And then -- whether you meant to or not -- the implication that Jason won't wake up from this sleep is very powerful.

A nice piece. I'm really liking it.
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[Adahn]

[font=Trebuchet MS]Thanks for the comments everyone!

I probably could have come up with a better title, but I picked that after I finished the piece, and I was a little drained. This was all written right here on OB without any drafting or planning, so when I brought it to a close, I didn't have the energy to give it a more thoughtful name.

I can't help but be systematic in my writing, so all the moments ended the same way. It was difficult to write 'disappeared' seven different ways, and those endings probably took me more time to write than any other line.

In the end, Jason's implied death was intentional. I couldn't help but end the piece with his final moments after beginning with his earliest. It gives the piece a kind of ordered symmetry that I demand of myself.

I'm glad you all liked it. I may start another story that I have an idea for, but I'm afraid I will be biting off more than I can chew, as it would be much more lengthy. If I do begin it, I look forward to your comments.
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