Writing Bloodseeker's Choose Your Own Fate! [M-SLV]

[Bloodseeker]

Let?s give this a try here? People that hang out on the GFAQs boards might be familiar with the term CYOF. Here?s how it?s going to work: I?m going write a story. At the end of each chapter, I?m going give you several options, as well as the option for the story to do something that?s not on the list. Each time before I start a new chapter, I?ll count the votes from the previous chapter and use the option that got the most votes. I?ll be making some changes to the characters to make them fit my story, but I?ll try to stay somewhat loyal to their original counterparts.

Its not really an RPG, but its not really a normal fanfic either. And since the anthology board is practically dead, I thought that I?d put it here.

Be sure to vote at the end of each chapter. I?m not going to waste my time on a story that nobody?s reading, and I?ll have no way to know that you?re reading if you don?t vote. Also, don?t be afraid to give feedback. If there?s a big flaw in my writing style, or if something about the story is really bugging you, or if you?re just really enjoying the story, let me know. This first entry is going to be a bit long, since I want to get the beginning over with, so bear with it.

[b]Chapter 1: Enter Eric Martin[/b]

[i]It was great to finally have a chance to relax after so many weeks of being on the move. True safe havens like this one had become a rare find since this whole mess started. It was a nice mansion? the walls and much of the furniture was made of obviously old yet very well kept wood (looked like mahogany). Many things were made of marble, including the kitchen and bathroom floors. The extremely powerful incantations on the walls and gates kept the average individual from even perceiving the mansion, and kept the stronger-than-average individuals out. You sunk comfortably into a black leather couch that formed a crescent moon around a big, round, wooden table.. ?So what?s your deal anyways?? You looked up across the table at Tessa, who looked quiet comfortable sitting on her end of the couch. ?You really are an odd case. You?re obviously pretty strong, yet I was unable to find any information on you? not even a brief mention in the Paladin database! And they have information on everyone and everything related to the supernatural! Honestly, I?ve never seen any group or individual of any significance that didn?t have a full file in the Paladin database!? ?Well I?m relatively new to the game, and I?ve been trying to stay under the radar for obvious reasons. Add the two together, and they probably haven?t had enough time to collect any worthwhile information on me, much less file a full report.? A maid sat a cheeseburger and a Dr. Pepper on the table. You laughed. ?I would have thought that such a nice place would serve rich people food!? ?The young mistress informed me that you prefer this cheap food over expensive food, so I assumed that this would be along the lines of what you wanted. But I can use some dinner if you don?t want it.? ?Nah, you assumed right. I would have turned down dinner if it were that expensive crap. Honestly, how can people make a diet out of expensive alcohol and fish eggs? ?Speaking of ?the young mistress?, where is she exactly? Or Yusuke for that matter?? ?Yusuke seems to be enjoying the arcade and the young mistress has secluded herself in her room. She?s probably resting.? ?Yeah, that?s probably it.? More like hopefully it?

Tessa interrupted. ?It looks like we?re going to have a little free time on our hands, and I?m really curious as to how you got involved in this situation. I don?t see where this should be between anybody but Mythril and the Illuminati?? ?Circumstances demanded that I step in. I guess that I?ll start with my life directly prior to becoming something other than ?normal?."[/i]

?Ugh?? The alarm clock blasted static, which seemed to be the only noise that could wake Eric up without startling the crap out of him. He had to be at work in two hours. ?Maybe I should have gone to bed a few hours earlier.? He had taken quiet the journey the day before, walking all over the city. His legs were still chaffed, and he was exhausted as all hell. But he still had to go to work.

Eric was an 18 year old white boy with brown hair and a medium build. He had been a slacker in the truest sense up until a few months ago, when had he finally became fed up with his own fat lazy *ss that he just couldn?t stand it anymore. He started working out hard, and while he didn?t loose all of that weight, he did gain a lot of muscle. He finally got himself a job at a local fast food joint, though he had been nothing short of miserable working there?

?Your shirt?s dirty, your pants are dirty, your visor?s dirty? you?re filthy! Go home and come back after you clean your *ss up! As one of our employees, you?re a representative of this company! As the man working the cash register, your face is the company?s face in the eyes of the customer! Now look, I want to help you, but in order for me to do that, you need to follow our policies and help yourself! If we allowed all of our employees to come to work looking like that, the customers?? And the fat man starts at it again? This stupid manager was delusional! His pants had a little dirt on them, but he definitely wasn?t filthy. This wasn?t the first time that his manager had yelled at him over something really stupid. Just the other day, he?d gotten chewed out for holding the broom wrong (even though he was getting the job done quickly and thoroughly). And not too long before that, he?d gotten sent home for having a little bit of stubble on his chin. And before that, he was getting yelled at for not refilling the already half-way full drink station. The manager got like this whenever something wasn?t absolutely perfect, and it was beginning to become a real pain. The other employees weren?t helping either. Only two of them would even talk to him (a kind of nerdy yet funny guy and a cute Mexican chick). The rest all gave him the cold shoulder. On top of all this, his hours were steadily decreasing and he was only getting paid minimum wage. ??knew what had to happen when you signed that ap-? ?You know what, I?ve had enough this job! Brian, Brenda, I?m sorry? but I?m out of here.? ?FINE! I?ll mail your last check to your house in a few days. Get out.? Eric went home and decided to call his friend Roy over for a Halo 2 session.

Roy was fairly tall black haired guy in his early 20s. Even though Eric had known him well for three years, he?d never been over to his house or gotten wind of what his life was like outside of hanging out with Eric and his friends and helping students as the school consoler.

?Tough break, but sometimes things like this happen. Leave it and move on.? ?Yeah, I intend to. I?ve already started looking for another job.? Eric shot Roy in the head with the sniper rifle. ?Grr? Well, at least your Halo skills haven?t declined any.? ?I?m kind of happy to be out of that job though. You knew that I?ve been thinking about quitting for a while anyways. I hated that job. I really did.? ?Yeah, so I?ve heard. That?s enough Halo? what do you say we go and torment Wesley for a while? I hear that he recently told a teacher on Lisa for turning him down on a date?? ?You?d think that you?d learn how to take care of your own problems by high school! I still haven?t forgiven him for convincing the school board to ban handheld gaming consoles, so I?m up for it.?

Wesley was a scrawny blond kid that had never even tried to solve his own problems. His idea of problem solving was to make up stories about people and trying to get them expelled using those stories. Whenever people broke the rules, Weasly was always the first one to tell the story to the office in the most exaggerated way possible. Not even a mixture of endless beatings from angry students and Roy?s best attempts to talk some sense into Wesley had been able to change his outlook on how problems ought to be handled.

Eric wasn?t a bully, but this kid had caused him a lot of problems in his school life too. It was Wesley?s tendency to snitch that had put Eric on detention for skipping Mr. Walter?s class, that same tendency that got one of Eric?s best friends expelled for defending himself against Los 8-on-1 Beaner Squad (stupid wannabe gang banging pieces of sh*t), and most recently, Wesley?s report that got gaming and manga banned from the school grounds. The fact that he was a scrawny nerd that wasn?t strong enough to defend himself against all of the people that he angered didn?t justify any of this. It just meant that he chose not to get stronger. All of these incidents were fairly recent, and he was about to pay?

?Hey Wesley, what the hell were you trying achieve by getting gaming and manga banned from the school?? ?It?s for your own good. Videogames and manga are violent, they corrupt your mind, and they?re definitely not appropriate for a house of learning.? Both Eric and Roy were pretty aggravated by this. Eric got especially p*ssed? ?What we choose to do during our spare time is not your business! If you don?t like it, that?s fine, but don?t take action against it just because you find it distasteful!? Wesley smiled arrogantly. ?Well obviously it is my business, because videogames have turned you both into violent degenerates. And not only you, but most of the school.? ?That?s not right. Videogames can act as a trigger, but its usually the fault of a mixture of bad parenting and growing up in a bad neighborhood?? ?They?re only violent towards you because you pull this kind of bullsh*t! You bring it on yourself! If you didn?t go around snitching on everybody and trying to get everything that you see as inappropriate banned, they wouldn?t attack you!? Roy stepped forward. ?And even if they did, there would always be people like us that wouldn?t that slide.? ?Exactly!? ?I?m not going to let you guys stop me from doing the right thing!? ?Its not the right thing! Authority isn?t always right!? ?They are here!? Roy shook his head. ?Idiot. You?re quiet the lost cause, aren?t you?? ?So you?re not even willing to look at things from our angle? And you call yourself an intellectual?? ?Why would I want to see things from the perspective of a couple of barbarians??

?It?s obvious that he?s not listening. Let?s just pound this guy already.? ?Agreed. Hey, you don?t mind if I take him by myself, right?? Roy sighed. ?Alright, I beat him down less than a month ago anyways.? ?STAY AWAY! I?LL GET YOU BOTH EXPELLED!? ?Shut up.? Eric punched Wesley in the stomach then picked him up and threw him. Weasly screamed like a little girl before his head slammed hard against the rough brick wall. Weasly picked himself up on all fours. ?Oh? oh?? Pathetic noises from a pathetic boy. Eric kicked him in the mouth. ?This really is pathetic. Are you even going to try to help yourself?? ?Ahhh, ahhhh?? ?You?re not a man, you?re not even a boy? you?re a f*cking rat. You?re the rat that the other rats sharpen their teeth on because you?re too scared to do anything about.? Eric turned to Roy. ?How the hell do people even turn out like this?? Roy shook his head. Eric turned back to Wesley. ?Your parents needed to teach you to stand on your own two feet.? ?Barbarian?? Eric stomped him in the stomach. Wesley let out a yelp of pain and groaned. ?I may be a barbarian, but at least its better than being a coward that relies on the authorities to solve all of his problems for him? I?ve really enjoyed this bit of dialog, rat.? ?See you at school, punk. Don?t ruin everyone else?s free time, and things like this won?t happen to you.? Eric would have been lying if he said that he didn?t enjoy that.

It was starting to get dark, and Roy?s family apparently insisted that he go with them to visit his older sister, so he and Eric parted ways for the night. Mom wasn?t home, so Eric made himself a grilled cheese for dinner. Good stuff. He spent the next three hours crashed out on the couch?

Eric was woken up by his mom coming through the door. His mom was a kind woman with a short and somewhat chubby build. Eric yawned. ?Hey mom, what?s up?? His mom didn?t answer. ?What kept you out so late?? Eric felt a sudden chill down his spine? but it was weird? it was his spine? but it felt like it somehow felt like was somewhere else? separate from his body? ?Fine, be that way. I WAS going to offer to make you dinner...? Eric got up and checked the temperature. 75 degrees? perfect. Then why did he feel so cold? ?Hey mom, does it feel cold in here to you? Think the AC?s broken? ? ??? His mom just continued to stare blankly out across the room. This was getting weird. Why was his mom standing near the door not saying anything? And why was that weird chill spreading throughout his entire body? And? why did mom look so pale? Eric shuddered.

[size=3][b]Okay, this is definitely NOT normal! WTF is going on?! This is bad! I can?t shake the feeling that something terrible is about to happen here? The chill?s spreading? I need to take action while I still can. But what can a guy like me do in a situation like this?

A. There?s obviously something wrong with mom? I?ll put on a sweater and drive my mom to the hospital.
B. I?ll call an exorcist. Weird stuff like this is their field. It?s the most logical choice.
C. The chill?s getting really bad? I don?t have time to take mom with me, and she?s obviously not herself. Who knows what she might do if I try to take her! I?m so sorry, mom?
D. I?ll just turn the heater up and watch some TV. It?s obviously my imagination. Mom?s just messing around. (I hope?)
E. Other, please specify.

[color=blue][References][/color][/b]

Whenever a new character or group from an anime pops up in my story, I'll be sure to let you know via this section at the end of each part of a chapter. I'll also give a short explanation as to what role that character or group played in their show.

[color=blue][b]Mithril[/b][/color] is a justice-serving mercenary group in a mecha/action/comedy series called Full Metal Panic. FMP focuses around a Mythril mercenary named Sousuke Sagara as he protects a highschool girl that has all sorts of valuable military information locked away deep in her memories from terrorists ad shady government agencies. Its a good series, I recommend it.

[url="http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/9339/fmptessa45zv.jpg"][color=red][b]Teletha "Tessa" Testarosa[/b][/color][/url] is a submarine commander working for Mythril. She has a crush on Sousuke, and has made it her goal to steal him away from Kaname. Of course, anyone that knows a lot about anime, or fiction in general, knows that this is one battle that Tessa isn't going to win... But that won't stop me from rooting for her! Go Tessa!

[url="http://img497.imageshack.us/img497/1278/yuskeheader3so.jpg"][color=red][b]Yusuke Urameshi[/b][/color][/url] is the main character in Yu Yu Hakusho. He gets ran over by a car and killed in the first episode, but he's brought back to life by the prince of the underworld as the Spirit Detective of the Earth. Its his job to put a stop to any supernatural plans that might threaten the Earth or the Spirit Realm. While I'll be the first to say that he's not as cool as Hiei or Kurama, he's probably my favorite shounen anime protagonist, and I thought that he'd fill his role in my story better than either of those two.

[url="http://img439.imageshack.us/img439/3353/mustang4be.jpg"][color=red][b]Roy "Flame Alchemist" Mustang[/b][/color][/url] is my favorite character on Adult Swim's own Fullmetal Alchemist. He's a colonel in the military, as well as a state alchemist, and he's Edward "Fullmetal Alchemist" Elric's boss. He's usually very serious, with a scowl on his face and a dry sense of humor, but he's got a less uptight side, too. (TINY MINISKIRTS!) And that's not evening mentioning his downright awesome attacks. *snap*

[Cambrian_Explosion]

I vote:

[QUOTE=Bloodseeker][size=3][B]
D. I?ll just turn the heater up and watch some TV. It?s obviously my imagination. Mom?s just messing around. (I hope?)
[/B][/size][/QUOTE]

Also, when writing dialog, when one character stops speaking and another starts speaking, you should start a new paragraph. For example, instead of this;

[quote name='Bloodseeker][I']It was great to finally have a chance to relax after so many weeks of being on the move. True safe havens like this one had become a rare find since this whole mess started. It was a nice mansion? the walls and much of the furniture was made of obviously old yet very well kept wood (looked like mahogany). Many things were made of marble, including the kitchen and bathroom floors. The extremely powerful incantations on the walls and gates kept the average individual from even perceiving the mansion, and kept the stronger-than-average individuals out. You sunk comfortably into a black leather couch that formed a crescent moon around a big, round, wooden table.. ?So what?s your deal anyways?? You looked up across the table at Tessa, who looked quiet comfortable sitting on her end of the couch. ?You really are an odd case. You?re obviously pretty strong, yet I was unable to find any information on you? not even a brief mention in the Paladin database! And they have information on everyone and everything related to the supernatural! Honestly, I?ve never seen any group or individual of any significance that didn?t have a full file in the Paladin database!? ?Well I?m relatively new to the game, and I?ve been trying to stay under the radar for obvious reasons. Add the two together, and they probably haven?t had enough time to collect any worthwhile information on me, much less file a full report.? A maid sat a cheeseburger and a Dr. Pepper on the table. You laughed. ?I would have thought that such a nice place would serve rich people food!? ?The young mistress informed me that you prefer this cheap food over expensive food, so I assumed that this would be along the lines of what you wanted. But I can use some dinner if you don?t want it.? ?Nah, you assumed right. I would have turned down dinner if it were that expensive crap. Honestly, how can people make a diet out of expensive alcohol and fish eggs? ?Speaking of ?the young mistress?, where is she exactly? Or Yusuke for that matter?? ?Yusuke seems to be enjoying the arcade and the young mistress has secluded herself in her room. She?s probably resting.? ?Yeah, that?s probably it.? More like hopefully it?[/I][/quote]

try this;

[QUOTE=Bloodseeker][I]It was great to finally have a chance to relax after so many weeks of being on the move. True safe havens like this one had become a rare find since this whole mess started. It was a nice mansion? the walls and much of the furniture was made of obviously old yet very well kept wood (looked like mahogany). Many things were made of marble, including the kitchen and bathroom floors. The extremely powerful incantations on the walls and gates kept the average individual from even perceiving the mansion, and kept the stronger-than-average individuals out.

You sunk comfortably into a black leather couch that formed a crescent moon around a big, round, wooden table.. ?So what?s your deal anyways?? You looked up across the table at Tessa, who looked quiet comfortable sitting on her end of the couch. ?You really are an odd case. You?re obviously pretty strong, yet I was unable to find any information on you? not even a brief mention in the Paladin database! And they have information on everyone and everything related to the supernatural! Honestly, I?ve never seen any group or individual of any significance that didn?t have a full file in the Paladin database!?

?Well I?m relatively new to the game, and I?ve been trying to stay under the radar for obvious reasons. Add the two together, and they probably haven?t had enough time to collect any worthwhile information on me, much less file a full report.? A maid sat a cheeseburger and a Dr. Pepper on the table. You laughed. ?I would have thought that such a nice place would serve rich people food!?

?The young mistress informed me that you prefer this cheap food over expensive food, so I assumed that this would be along the lines of what you wanted. But I can use some dinner if you don?t want it.?

?Nah, you assumed right. I would have turned down dinner if it were that expensive crap. Honestly, how can people make a diet out of expensive alcohol and fish eggs? ?Speaking of ?the young mistress?, where is she exactly? Or Yusuke for that matter??

?Yusuke seems to be enjoying the arcade and the young mistress has secluded herself in her room. She?s probably resting.?

?Yeah, that?s probably it.? More like hopefully it?[/I][/QUOTE]

It helps to break it up a bit, make it easier to read. Other than that, it's great. Nice use of description, the characters seem interesting, and you seem to be drawing on characters and story elements from several anime and/or manga. And major kudos for introducing a cool concept to the Anthology.

[Bloodseeker]

Thanks, I'll try that.

I want at least two more votes before I continue this story! Come on... I've already got a few good plot twists planned out and a style of storytelling that I think that most of you will like!