Jokes - You got any you want to share?

[Shadow Blade]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=SlateGray]In the realm of my unconscience mind I decided to do a really cheesy thread, based on jokes. You can share them. However in this thread - nothing too explicited ( I don't think the moderators or Site Director will really like that). But you can tell jokes on:

-Your Mama is....
-Blonde
-Sports
-Foreign
-Politics
-Whatever
-etc.

And whatever else as long as it's a joke. Oh yeah, these are just jokes so don't get offended.

This thread is dedicated to jokesters, humor-happy people, and people who need a laugh.

Yeah, I know this thread is cheesy.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Guest kuroinuyoukai]

I have a joke to share. It is a dirty joke,though not explicit. It is a read between the lines.
Ok here goes.
It was the first day of school and the teacher had already started class. A boy walked in and the teacher said,"Why are you late?". The boy said ,"I was on Blueberry Hill." the teacher says whatever and tells him to sit down. Ten minutes later another boy walks in. He explains that he was also on Blueberry Hill. The teacher tells him to sit down. A few minutes later a girl walks in and hands a note to the teacher. The teacher asks her name. The Girl says,"Hi, I'm Blueberry Hill!".

Sorry it's corny. Maybe the site police won't hurt me-much!! :flasher: :devil:

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Interesting, most interesting.

It's been a while since that last joke thread and so long as there are no Irish jokes I'll be content. My joke comes courtesy of an email sent to my father at work which he sent on to me, I read it probably a week or two ago and it took me nearly ten minutes to stop laughing.[/SIZE]

[quote=Joke: Money][FONT=Trebuchet MS]A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But, realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer." [/FONT] [/quote]
[SIZE=1]I suppose it could be construed as being slightly offensive, but I personally was in tears laughing having read it.[/SIZE]

[QUOTE=kuroinuyoukai]I have a joke to share. It is a dirty joke, though not explicit. It is a read between the lines.
Ok here goes.
It was the first day of school and the teacher had already started class. A boy walked in and the teacher said,"Why are you late?". The boy said ,"I was on Blueberry Hill." the teacher says whatever and tells him to sit down. Ten minutes later another boy walks in. He explains that he was also on Blueberry Hill. The teacher tells him to sit down. A few minutes later a girl walks in and hands a note to the teacher. The teacher asks her name. The Girl says,"Hi, I'm Blueberry Hill!".

Sorry it's corny. Maybe the site police won't hurt me-much!! :flasher: :devil:[/QUOTE]

[SIZE=1]Not to be a kill-joy, but as I recall the punch line of the that joke should actually involve the girl coming in and the teacher saying irritated "I suppose you've been up on Blueberry/Cherry Hill too", to which she replies "No I [B]am[/B] Cherry Hill".[/SIZE]

[Lafleur]

[COLOR=DarkRed]I love these... Here's one.
[I]
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry"


This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!"
[/I]
A little biased, but I found this next one funny:
[I]
A Russian, a American and a Canadian are out riding horses. The Russian pulls out an expensive bottle of vodka, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The American looks at him and says, (What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of Vodka!) The Russian says, (In Russia, there's plenty of Vodka and bottles are cheap.)
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the American pulls out a bottle of Whiskey, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Canada can't believe this and says, (What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Whiskey!)
The American says (In America there's plenty of Whiskey and bottles are cheap.)
So a while later the guy from Canada pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the American.
The Russian, shocked, says, (Why did you do that?)
The Canadian says, (Well, in Canada, we have plenty of Americans, but bottles are worth a dime.)[/I]

A last one:
[I]
An Oilers fan was driving home from work and he passed by the local priest. He stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly and together they proceed to the church to drop the priest off.

On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the road. On closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a replica Flames sweater. Now, the Oiler fan that was driving just hated the Flames, and he suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his foot down on the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the Flames fan jumped out of the way, the driver of the car heard a bang, but he was sure he'd missed him.

The two men proceeded to the church in silence. The Oilers fan pulled up and said, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I don't know what came over me. Can you forgive me, Father??"

The Priest replied, "Of course I can forgive you, my son. Don't worry - I GOT HIM WITH THE CAR DOOR."
[/I]
[/COLOR]

[kayutori_sama]

[QUOTE=Lafleur][color=darkred]I love these... Here's one.

[i]A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry"[/i]


[i]This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!"[/i]


[/color][/QUOTE]
Hahahaha. Good stuff there:animesmil .

This is one of those stupid " yo mama" jokes.

" Yo mama's so fat, she went swimming in the ocean and all the whales started singing ' We are Family.'"

[2010DigitalBoy]

[i]There once was a man who was increadibly rich, had a beautiful wife, and a newborn son.

On the son's third birthday the dad asked. "son, what do you wnat for your birthday? You want a tricycle, a playmat, anything?"

The kid replied "dad I'd like a pink ping-pong ball". The dad thought 'oh hes just a kid he doesn't know what he wants' so he bought him a tricycle and some toys.

On the kids twelth birthday the dad asked "son, what would you like for your birthday? A four-wheeler, a ten speed, anything?"

The kid replied "dad, I'd really like a pink ping-pong ball." The dad thought 'oh, hes just messin aroun' so he bought him a nice bike and an iPod.

On the kid's sixteenth birthday the dad asked "son, what would you like for your birthday? A nice car, a speaker system, anything"

The kid replied "dad, Id really like a pink ping-pong ball" the dad thought 'he must be out of his mind' so he bought him a brand new 2007 Jeep.

When the kid graduated from high school his dad said "son, I'm so proud of you. Is there anything you want? A new place, a condo, anything?"

The son replied "dad I's really like a pink ping-pong ball" his dad thought 'oh, hes just messin with me' and hooked him up with a nice apartment and filled it with furniture.

6 years later, the son was married and his first child was on the way. The dad said, "son, I'm so happy for you, what do you say you move into a mansion across the street from us?"

The son replied "actually, dad, Id really like a pink ping-pong ball" his dad thought 'aw, hes nuts' and threw in a couple extra achres for the heck of it.

Then one day, the father heard that his son had been in a terrible car accident. He rushed to the hospital and saw his son hooked up to all kinds of medical devices. He held his son and said, "son, please is there anything you want, anything in the whole world?"

The son replied 'Id really like a pink ping-pong ball"

The father said "okay, but I've gotta know why, for your entire life you've asked for this pink ping-pong ball, why?" His son opened his mouth to speak, but died.[/i]

The moral? That was boring as crap XD

[Lafleur]

[COLOR=DarkRed]Two more...

1: [I]Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists,breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident,and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" hecontinued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either for the Leafs or Jays fan."What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet.
[/I]

2: [I] 3 Hockey fans were drinking in Saudi Arabia which is penalized by death there so the 3 men were sent to death row. The next day the jail keeper comes into their cells and says "because of our national holiday we will not kill you but we will whip you 100 times," and he leads them outside onto a platform in the largest plaza. The man with the whip tells the Nashville Predators fan that because his team made the playoffs for the first time ever that he gets 1 wish. The Predators fan wishes that the punisher attatch a pillow to his back so it will absorb the whipping but after 30 lashes the pillow breaks making the fan suffer 70 lashes. After surviving he leaves and the Colorado Avalanche fan is sent up and he also gets 1 wish but he wishes that he has 2 pillows attatched to his back. However the pillows break after 60 lashes making him suffer 40 lashes. Lastly its the Vancouver Canucks fan's turn but the punisher says "because you have the loyalest and best fans in Vancouver you may have 2 wishes". The Canucks fan does'nt hesitate and immediatly replies " I wish to get 200 lashes of the whip." The punisher replies "very courageose but whats your second wish the Canucks fan replies "I wish that you attach the Colorado Avalanche fan to my back."
[/I][/COLOR]

[BlueYoshi]

[color=darkred]Hehe, nice ones Lafleur. If you were here in front of me Thorax I'd bash you in the face several times for wasting precious minutes of my life. :P

Anyway, I got one.

Three men had died in a car accident, and went up to heaven to be judged by God himself. Seemingly satisfied that the three men were in fact good man, God gave them each the chance to walk the Earth live and well once more. However, there was one condition. Whilst in heaven, each man had to go and gather nine pieces of one kind of fruit, and then shove them up his *** without laughing. If this was to be completed, then whoever accomplished the task would walk the Earth live and well once more, but should they fail, then they will go straight to hell.

The first man had gathered nine apples, and was commanded by god to shove them up his ***. The man managed to fit in only three apples, before laughing and screaming out "It tickles!" "I damn you to Hell", says God, and down the man goes.

The second man had gathered nine grapes, and was commanded by God to shove them all up his ***. The man was pleased with himself, thinking that he'd outsmarted the smiter of all smiters, and so, continued with the task at hand. Rather easily, he fit eight grapes up his ***, and had plenty of room left for the last one. Just before doing so, the man bursts out laughing, reasons unknown even to God. Rather confused, "I damn you to Hell", says God.

In Hell, the first man met the second man and asked, "Why did you laugh? You had almost finished!" The second man looked up at the first man and replied, "I know. But I saw the third person walking down with pineapples in his hands and I just couldn't help myself."

...eh. -_-'[/color]

[JJ]

Ooh! I got one! It's going to be starred out, but it's still funny.

A little boy was sitting in bed one night, and he heard his parents yelling, so he got out of bed, and walked over to their room. As he opened the door, his mother screamed, "You Bastard!", and his father replied, "You *****!".

The little boy, surprised at what he was hearing asked, "Daddy, what does that mean?"

The father replied, "Well son, those words are just another word for men and women, now get on back to bed."

The next night, the kid hears his parents again, so he walks over and opens the door. He's greeted with his mother saying, "Nice Dick.", and his father saying, "Nice Tits.".

So, of course, the little boy asks, "Daddy, what does that mean?"

The father replies, "Well son, those words are just another way of saying hats and coats. So get on back to bed."

The little boy does, and awakes happily to Thanksgiving Day. He runs to the bathroom, and pushes the door open, and is greeted with "****!". He peers around the door, and there's his dad, holding his razor, with a cut on his cheek.

The little boy, curious as ever asks, "What does that mean?"

The father, annoyed, says, "It's the type of shaving cream I'm using, go see what your mother is doing."

The little boy then runs down to the kitchen and watches his mother carve the turkey. She suddenly cuts her finger and says, "****!"

The little boy replied, "Mommy, what's that mean?"

She replied, "It's what I'm doing to the turkey, now go make sure no one's at the door."

The little boy walks towards the door and opens it to find his relatives. He proudly says, "Hey all you bitches and bastards! Hang up your dicks and tits. Dad's shaving the **** off his face, and mom's ******* the turkey."

Very crude, but it's funny as I'll get out.

[Kre]

[QUOTE=^.^]Ooh! I got one! It's going to be starred out, but it's still funny.

A little boy was sitting in bed one night, and he heard his parents yelling, so he got out of bed, and walked over to their room. As he opened the door, his mother screamed, "You Bastard!", and his father replied, "You *****!".

The little boy, surprised at what he was hearing asked, "Daddy, what does that mean?"

The father replied, "Well son, those words are just another word for men and women, now get on back to bed."

The next night, the kid hears his parents again, so he walks over and opens the door. He's greeted with his mother saying, "Nice Dick.", and his father saying, "Nice Tits.".

So, of course, the little boy asks, "Daddy, what does that mean?"

The father replies, "Well son, those words are just another way of saying hats and coats. So get on back to bed."

The little boy does, and awakes happily to Thanksgiving Day. He runs to the bathroom, and pushes the door open, and is greeted with "****!". He peers around the door, and there's his dad, holding his razor, with a cut on his cheek.

The little boy, curious as ever asks, "What does that mean?"

The father, annoyed, says, "It's the type of shaving cream I'm using, go see what your mother is doing."

The little boy then runs down to the kitchen and watches his mother carve the turkey. She suddenly cuts her finger and says, "****!"

The little boy replied, "Mommy, what's that mean?"

She replied, "It's what I'm doing to the turkey, now go make sure no one's at the door."

The little boy walks towards the door and opens it to find his relatives. He proudly says, "Hey all you bitches and bastards! Hang up your dicks and tits. Dad's shaving the **** off his face, and mom's ******* the turkey."

Very crude, but it's funny as I'll get out.[/QUOTE]

nice one this one's good

[Pandy]

[size=1]Okay.. I've got one. It's really stupid, but what the heck.

[i]Why did Jim fall off the bike?

Because he was a fish.[/i]

^.^ [/size]

[NinjaJedi007]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you??"

[Shadow Blade]

[size=1][color=slategray]Lol.
Several funny jokes.
I'm quite impressed. I seriously thought no one was going to reply.

However I do have some Your Mama so..... jokes.

Their quite cheesy though.[/size][/color]

[size=1]-Your mama is so dumb, she tripped over a cordless phone.
- Your mama is so fat, that every time you smack her butt, you can ride the waves.
-Your mama's so dumb, she drowned during the wave at the football stadium.
-Your mama so ugly, when she was in labor the doctor asked which end.
-Your mama is so fat when she skips a meal, the stock-market drops.
-Your mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.
-Your mama is so fat that when your dad kisses her good-bye he punches her belly and rides the 3rd wave in.[/size]

[size=1][color=slategray]Yeah I know their a bit weird.

I also have one more.[/size][/color]

[size=1]-You were so ugly when you were born that when your mom said " Awww, my little treasure!" Your dad said, " Great! Let's go bury it!"[/size]

[DBZgirl88]

[COLOR=#004a6f][B]I have a good one:[/B]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, we do, we do!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Well," said the first bat, "I didn't!"


[B]Here's another:[/B]

John decided to get rid of the family cat. So he drove the feline 20 blocks from home and left him. But as he pulled up into his driveway, there was the cat.

The next day he drove the cat 40 blocks away from home and left him. But again the cat beat him home.

At last he decided to drive several miles away, arbitrarily turning left and right, anything to throw off the feline's keen sense of direction, before abandoning him in a park.

Hours later, John calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", she answers, "why do you ask?"

"Put him on the phone", John replies. "I'm lost and need directions home."

[B]
One more joke:[/B]

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumps into the path of a well dressed man and shoves a gun in his ribs. "Give your money", he demands.

"You can't do this, the man indignantly sputters. "I'm a member of parliament!"

"In that case", the mugger replies, "Give me MY money!"[/COLOR]

[MangaFan007]

Here are some jokes I have heard/read. You might need to have some technical knowledge of other subjects to understand them. If you have problems understanding them, let me know and I will explain them.

===================
What is the shortest mathematical joke?
Let epsilon be less than zero.

===================
The composer Robert Schumann wrote at the beginning of one of his compositions: "To be played as fast as possible." A few measures later he wrote: "Faster."

===================
An efficiency consultant gave his critique of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony:
1. All 12 violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication, thus their number should be cut.
2. For a considerable period oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff.
3. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that was already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.
4. The symphony has two movements. Mr. Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.
Conclusion: If Mr. Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he would have had time to finish the symphony.

==================
How they prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime?
[b]Mathematician:[/b] 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
[b]Physicist:[/b] 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,...
[b]Engineer:[/b] 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
[b]Programmer:[/b] 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,...
[b]Salesperson:[/b] 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,...
[b]Computer Software Salesperson:[/b] 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,...
[b]Biologist:[/b] 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...
[b]Advertiser:[/b] 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
[b]Lawyer:[/b] 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,...
[b]Accountant:[/b] 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
[b]Statistician:[/b] Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime...
[b]Professor:[/b] 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
[b]Computational linguist:[/b] 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,...
[b]Psychologist:[/b] 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Chabi I thought you're last set of jokes were great, especially the bat one. Here are two jokes sent to me by my father on my birthday last year. [/SIZE]

[QUOTE=Understanding Women][FONT=Trebuchet MS]A man walking along a California beach was deep in thought and prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud: "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded over above his head, and in a booming voice the Lord said "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish";

The man thought and said "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want". The Lord said "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me"

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

[CENTER]----------[/CENTER]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."[/FONT] [/QUOTE]

[NinjaJedi007]

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

[DBZgirl88]

[COLOR=#004a6f]I have a few music jokes. For some odd reason most music jokes are directed against viola players. I have no clue why.


A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. "What are you so upset about?" the conductor asked him.

"The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it's all out of tune!" whined the violist.

"Don't you think you're overreacting?" the conductor asked impatiently

"I'm not overreacting!" the violist replied. "He won't tell me which one!"


[CENTER]***************************[/CENTER]


At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"

The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."

The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"[/COLOR]

[celestialcharm]

[COLOR=DarkOrchid]I have a joke!

Dancers are the only people who can't count. Why? Because when they start counting they start at 5,6,7,8![/COLOR]

[Raiyuu]

[color=DarkSlateBlue][font=Trebuchet MS]Lots of musicians in, aren't there? Here's another orchestra joke.

[b]Q: [/b]How can you tell when there's a drummer at the door?
[b]A: [/b]Because the knocking speeds up and they don't know when to come in.

(Chabi, I loved the one about the mugger and the MP.)
[/font][/color]

[BlueYoshi]

[color=darkred]Weirdsville. Gavin, my dad is always sending me jokes through e-mails and text messages, and that blonde joke was one of them... o_O;;

I gots one.

What do you call a piece of sand-paper in Afghanistan?

A map.[/color]

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Let's see, a few more jokes to add to the pot.[/SIZE]

[QUOTE=A man walks into a pub...][FONT=Trebuchet MS]A man walks into pub and orders three pints, he sits down at a table and drinks them one at a time until he has all three finished. He gets up from the table, bids the barman goodnight and leaves the pub to go home, the following night he does the same, and the night after that, and the night after that. Finally on the fifth night, the barman asks the man why he continuously orders three pints at the same time rather than one pint after another as to keep the pints fresh.

The man responds by saying that he and two other friends were very close growing up and after leaving college for their respective careers and places of residence, they made the promise to drink one pint for each of the other two friends to always remember the times they shared together. The barman's question suitably answered returns to his duties and thinks no more of the man ordering his three pints.

Months go by until finally one day the man comes in and only orders two pints, the barman pats him on the shoulder and tells him that the two pints are on the house on account of his recent loss. The man looks confused for a moment before smiling and shaking his head saying "Oh no, the two other lads are fine, I've just given up drinking."[/FONT][/QUOTE]

[SIZE=1]I'll admit the joke is better told in person, rather than written down.[/SIZE]

[quote name='Bombu][color=darkred']Weirdsville. Gavin, my dad is always sending me jokes through e-mails and text messages, and that blonde joke was one of them... o_O;;[/color][/quote]

[SIZE=1]Fancy that, though it's probably a fairly commonly emailed joke, as all blonde jokes are.[/SIZE]

[Pumpkin]

[SIZE=1]I know these jokes are pretty lame but I just had to submit them haha.
[QUOTE]Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."[/QUOTE]

Owch that's gotta hurt...

[QUOTE] Little Leprechaun?

A leprechaun walks into a bar, and he see's a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey laugh."
The leprechaun decided to go for it, and he succeed in making the donkey laugh. So he goes to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. The bartender says, "Ok, but first you have to tell us how you did it."

The leprechaun says, "I can't tell you, it's a leprechaun secret."

So the bartender says, "Then I can't give you the pot of gold." The leprechaun gets very angry and walks off.

He comes back the next day and sees a sign that says: "Win a pot of gold if you can make the donkey cry." So he trys it, and he makes the donkey cry.

He goes up to the bartender and asks for his pot of gold. But the bar attendant tells him, "First you have to tell me how you did it.

So the leprechaun says, "Alright, yesterday I told him I told him that I have a bigger penis then him, and today I showed him." [/QUOTE]

Sorry if the dirty joke offended anyone. XD I thought it was pretty funny atleast.

[QUOTE]A Mall Order

An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time, totally stunned by everything they see.
They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then apart.

They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old man waddle inside and watch as the doors close behind her.

The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver doors open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.

The mother then turns to the son and says, "Son, go and get your father." [/QUOTE][/SIZE]

[Leofski]

A mathematician, a biologist, and physicist are watching an empty building, when 2 people walk in. Five minutes later, three people walk out.
The physicist says " Ah well, the building can't have been empty."
The biologist disagrees "They must have procreated while inside"
The mathematician says "Now if one more person goes in it will be empty again."

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.

There are 10 types of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Sorry about the horrible geek jokes....it won't happen again.

[Gentle]

[SIZE=1]These are some jokes I heard a while back. The first one is pretty easy to understand but the second one you have to think about. Sorry if they're not that funny but I laugh at next to anything. They're bar jokes.

[I]One day this duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender answered with no so the duck went on his way. The next day the duck came and asks the bartender again, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender says "I told you yesterday we didn't have any grapes and I still don't." So the duck left. The next day the duck comes back and the bartender looks at him and says, "I told you before I don't have any grapes and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to this counter."

The duck says, "Okay, do you have any nails?" The bartender looking confused shakes his head no. Then the duck says, "Okay, got any grapes?"[/I]

Okay, this next one is really stupid but I thought it was funny.

[I]A man walks into a bar and says, "Ow."[/I]

>_<[/SIZE]