Jokes - You got any you want to share?

[Onix]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=SlateGray]Good jokes all around. Here's (hopefully) a few more --

[QUOTE="Screw in a Lightbult Joke"]How many Freudian Psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[spoiler]Two - One to screw in the lightbulb, the other to hold the penis - I mean, ladder.[/spoiler][/QUOTE]

Better told in person, I'm afraid.

[QUOTE="Blonde Joke #1"]One day, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walked into an antique shop to go shopping together. The brunette saw a tall, ornate mirror. As she looked into it, she said to herself, 'I think I'm the smartest woman in the world.'
SCHLOOP, the mirror sucked her in.
A little later, the redhead walked by and saw the same mirror. As she looked into it, she said to herself, 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the whole world.'
SCHLOOP, the mirror sucked her in, too.
A while later, the blonde walked by and saw the mirror, as well. As she looked into it, she said to herself, 'I think...'
SCHLOOP.[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE="Blonde Joke #2"]After a long day at work, a man stepped into his elevator and started going down. A pretty blonde woman stepped in with him, smiled brightly and said, "T.G.I.F."
The man smiled as well, shook his head, and replied, "S.H.I.T."
The blonde looked confused. "T.G.I.F."
Again, the man replied, "S.H.I.T."
So, the blonde said it again, much slower. "T...G...I...F?"
The man replied in the same tone. "S...H...I...T"
Finally fed up, the woman said, "You idiot, I'm saying 'Thank God It's Friday'."
The man, still smiling pleasently, replied, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."[/QUOTE]

It's been ages since I've heard that joke, so I hope I told it right...

[QUOTE="The Panda Joke"]One day, a Panda walked into a restaurant and when the waiter came, he ordered a sandwich. When he finished the sandwich and the waiter came with the bill, the Panda took out a pistol and shot him dead. As it got up to leave, a second waiter chased after him, crying, "What did you do that for!?"
"I'm a Panda, look it up," the bear said, and then exited the restaurant.
The waiter grabbed a dictionary, turned to the "P"s. Under the entry for Pandas, it read the following: "Panda Bear. An asian mammal related to the racoon. Eats shoots and leaves."[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE="Man walks into a bar..."]So, a man walks into a bar on the third story of a building. He orders a shot of expensive whiskey, downs it, and turns to jump out a window. Another patron watches in awe as the same man comes into the bar, orders another shot of whiskey, and jumps out the window again. When the man comes in a third time, the barfly turns to him and says, "How 'come you can fall three stories and not die?"
The jumper grins and explains his secret. "See, when you drink alcohol, the gasses in it make your body lighter than usual so you float gently to the ground. It's simple."
The barfly grins as well, grabbed a bottle of whiskey and downed it. He then proceeded to jump out the window.
The man chuckled, and the bartender came over and sighed.
"Superman, you sure are a jerk when you're drunk."[/QUOTE]

Okay, I'll stop now.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[DBZgirl88]

[COLOR=#004a6f]Sorry I haven't been quoting the other jokes I posted. They were not said in my own words.

Anyway, here's another good joke:

[QUOTE][COLOR=#004a6f][B]The little old couple[/B]

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. Theywere used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again, he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. " What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The Teeth"[/COLOR][/QUOTE][/COLOR]

[BlueYoshi]

[color=darkred]Nine out of ten men are *******.

The other one is a liar.

[b][color=DarkSlateBlue][size=1]Hey, I know nine out of ten Americans don't know what that word means, but that doesn't mean you can go sayin' it on an [E] rated board. As a rule of thumb, [/size][/color][/b][color=DarkSlateBlue][size=1]don't [b]rely on the auto-censoring. I't misses things. It's always safer not to swear at all than risk a bad word leaking through because of funky spelling, compounding or not being in the database.
[/b][/size][/color][/color] [right][color=DarkSlateBlue][size=1]-Raiyuu[/size][/color]
[/right]

[Lafleur]

I actualy found this pretty clever, especially since it's an actual story and made up by a non-professional.
[I]
There is a buisness in Philidelphia that has a sign proudly displaying the words 'I WOULD RATHER SERVE A THOUSAND AL-QUEDA TERRORISTS THAN ONE AMERICAN'.

The buisness? A funeral home. Who says mortitions don't have a sense of humour?[/I]

[SunfallE]

[COLOR=DarkOliveGreen]I don?t remember where I got this joke from but here goes:

[B]The Karate Dog[/B]

There was this couple that lived in a very rich neighborhood in California. They had a nice home, cars and furniture. They had barely been there a week when one day they came home from work to find that the entire house had been stripped clean. Even the garage and attic had been cleaned out.

Figuring it was just their bad luck they went through the process of filing with their insurance company and used the money to replace all the things that had been stolen. Not wanting to be robbed again this time they had a very expensive state of the art security system installed. Every thing went well for about a week and then once again they came home to find everything gone again, even the new security system they had installed was gone.

Exasperated over the loss the lady of the house decided to look for another method to safe guard their home. She was looking through the classifieds when she saw an advertisement for a Karate Dog. Curious she went to see the person who was selling the dog.

When she got there a tiny Chinese man took her out back to see the Karate Dog. To her surprise it was a tiny little miniature poodle. She turned to leave but the man said, ?Wait! I will demonstrate!? Curious she turned back to watch. The Chinese man placed a huge thick board on top of two bricks and said, ?Karate Dog! Board!? In a flash the tiny poodle tore the huge thick board into tiny splinters. Amazed by the poodle?s ability she bought the poodle from the Chinese man and took it home.

When the lady of the house got home she went inside and waited patiently for her husband, she couldn?t wait to show him the new Karate Dog she had gotten to guard their home. When he walked in she ran to him and said, ?Honey! Look! I got us a Karate Dog to guard the house!? Her husband turned and looked at the tiny miniature poodle and said, ?Karate Dog my butt!?
[/COLOR]

[anime-lover]

here is one


A 60 year old man is at his doctor and the doctor says "everything is ok physically but how are you mentaly how is your conection with god" the man replied "me and god we're tight every night when i get up to pee he turns on the light and when i leave he shuts it off" the doctor a little worried calls the mans wife later and tells her what her husband told him [I]there was a pause over the phone[/I] and his wife said " that idiot hes been peeing in the refrigorator"

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]It's been a while since I added a few jokes, so I might as well add a few more as I'm here.[/SIZE]

[Quote=Lawyer Jokes][FONT=Trebuchet MS]What's the difference between running over a dog and running over a lawyer ?

After the dog there'll be skid marks.[/FONT][/quote]

[SIZE=1]A bit crap I admit.[/SIZE]

[quote=Politician Jokes][FONT=Trebuchet MS]What's the difference between a Pirate and a Politician ?

A Politician doesn't need a boat.[/FONT][/quote]

[SIZE=1]Even though most of them have at least one.[/SIZE]

[quote=A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister][FONT=Trebuchet MS]A Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister are discussing the concept of when life begins in a park. The Catholic Priest begins the debate with a rousing speech about how life begins at conception and earns a number of affirmative nods from passers-by.

Next the Minister stands up and rebukes the Priest's claiming that life begins at birth and he too receives some agreement from the growing crowd.

Finally the Rabbi who has sat silently throughout the debate stands and gives his opinion on when life begins. "Life begins" he says "when your last child has moved out and taken that mangy dog with him..."[/FONT][/quote]

[SIZE=1]And now I leave the building...[/SIZE]

[Guest Doomberg]

OK I got a little joke but its dirty so if it is someone please tell me so I know not to post like that again

your mamas so fat that when she did the splits she gave the flour a hicky.

your mamas so fat that when she halls a** she has to make two trips. :laugh:

[DBZgirl88]

[COLOR=#004a6f]Here's another good joke. I love this one.
[QUOTE][COLOR=#004a6f]It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."

"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I decided to go home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong. I burst into my bedroom and found my wife half naked, furious and yelling at me at the top of her lungs. I proceeded to search the entire apartment. I looked everywhere, but damn it, I couldn't find him! I was just about to give up, when I happened to glance out onto the balcony. There was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me!"

"Well, I ran out there and promptly started to stomp on his fingers until he let go. But some bushes broke his fall! In rage I went back inside to grab the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir, Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later another man arrived at the gates.

"Alright, here's the rule: Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died.

"Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when somehow I slipped and fell over the side! Luckily however, I caught the edge of the the balcony below mine. Suddenly, this man bursts into the balcony, but instead of helping that maniac started to stomp on my fingers! I couldn't stand it so I let go. I plummeted 25 stories, but luckily, some bushes broke my fall and I didn't die right away. As I lay there, unable to move and in excrutiating pain, that madman heaves a refrigerator, of all things over the side of the balcony and it landed directly on top of me, crushing me to death."

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later a third man in line comes up to the gate.

"Tell me about the day you died.", says the angel.

"Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."[/COLOR][/QUOTE][/COLOR]

[Blayze]

[size=1]If we're doing musical jokes then here's one I know Raiyuu will like:

How do you make two piccolo players play in unison?
Shoot one.

A couple of others:

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
It burns longer

Its no wonder we have air pollution nowadays when so much of it has passed through trumpets..

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummer

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After a while, he decides on the accordion. He goes to the music shop and asks the guy behind the counter where the accordions are. The shop owner tells him that they are all in the far corner. The drummer looks at them and says:

"I'd like the big red one in the corner, please." To which the shop owner replies:

"You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"How did you know?"

"That big red accordion is the radiator."

Hope you like them
[/size]

[MindGrinder]

I don't know why....but this joke makes me laugh every time I even think about it. But it's not funny...

There were two muffins in the oven. One said, "boy, it's sure getting hot in here." Then the other one turns and says, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!"

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Heh that last joke of yours had me in stitches Chabi.[/SIZE]

[quote=A Couple...][FONT=Trebuchet MS]A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation. "Well sir," says the waiter, "What did you order?" "We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise." "Oh, I do apologise, this is my fault," says the waiter...


Wait for it...


"I've brought you the Peking duck."[/FONT][/quote]

[SIZE=1]I've really got to get some better e-mail jokes.[/SIZE]

[Guest Salty Bob]

[QUOTE]A Rabbi and a Priest were at a boxing match one day. One boxer came out and made the cross symbol in the air. The rabbi, confused, leans over to the priest and asks: "What does that symbol mean?" and the priest says, smirking, "Not a damn thing if the guy can't fight".[/QUOTE]

Short but I like it :D

[Guest kuroinuyoukai]

Where do you people get all your hilarious jokes from? I think Gavin's hiding a comedian in his closet or under his bed! Or maybe he's the comedian and someone's hiding him......

I wish I had a joke but alas all I know are the ones that have already been told. :animecry:

[Shadow Blade]

[size=1][color=slategray]I just got this joke through email.[/size][/color]

[QUOTE=Thatcrazyidiot]A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.

She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129".

The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.

The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 129".

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said, "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"

[b]Moral of the Story[/b]: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a great opportunity.[/QUOTE]

[DBZgirl88]

[COLOR=#004a6f]Got a few more jokes to add:

[QUOTE]A notorious miser was called on by the chairman of the community charity. "Sir," said the local fund-raiser, "our records show that despite your wealth, you've never once given to our drive."

"Do your records show that I have an elderly mother who was left penniless when my father died?" fumed the tightwad. "Do your records show that I have a disabled brother who is unable to work? And do they show I have a widowed sister with small children who can barely make ends meet?"

No sir, replied the embarrassed volunteer. "Or records don't show those things."

"Well, I don't give to any of the them, so why should I give anything to you?"[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]A man walk into a clock shop and the store clerk decides to show him some of their more interesting clocks.

"Here we have a series of clocks that belonged to previous U.S presidents," explained the the store clerk. "The hands on these clocks only moved when the president told a lie."

"This was previously George Washington's clock," he continued, pointing at a clock that pointed to 1:00. "And here," he said pointing out another clock that said 2:00, "is Abraham Lincoln's clock."

The man looked at all the presidents' clocks and realized one was missing. "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" he asked.

"Oh that one," said the clerk. "I'm using it as a fan in my office."[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]Mrs. Flinders decided to have her portrait painted. "Paint me with diamond earings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant," she told the artist.

"But you're not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know, said Mrs. Flinders. "It's in case I should die before my husband. "I'm sure he'd remarry right away and I want her to go crazy looking for the jewllery."[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers."

The man looked puzzled. "What are peers?" he asked.

"They're people like you- your equals."

"Forget it," retorted the defendant. "I don't want to be tried by a bunch of theives."[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]On the way home from work, Tom is stopped on the street by an attractive woman in a suggestive outfit. "For $100 I'll do anything you ask in three words or less," she whispers.

"Okay," agrees Tom, handing over the cash. "Paint my house."[/QUOTE][/COLOR]

[Attimus331]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[pandaninja008]

This is a blond joke, so sorry if any of you blonds out there hate me after reading this. By the way, I'm a blond too.
One day, three blonds got stranded on an island. And one day, while walking along the beach, they find a magic lamp. The first blond picked it up and a geniue came out.
"I will grant you each one wish. What do you desire?", he said.
"I want to twice as smart as I am now", said the first blond. And, POOF! She turned into a Brunette.
"I want to be three times as smart as I am now", said the second brunette. And POOF! She turned into redhead.
"*Uh* God! I can't believe you guys want to be smart! There's nothing wrong with being stupid. In fact, it makes you happier. Watch. Oh Great Magical Geniue! I want to be half as smart as I am now", said the third blond. And POOF! She turned into a man.
Sorry guys! This is girls humor only. And not ALL guys are dumb.

[Shadow Blade]

[color=slategray][size=1]
NOTE TO THE READER: THIS Joke is quite hilarious. Before you read this joke be sure you have a piece of paper and writing instrument. Be sure you write down the same coded message that George W. received. Enjoy![/size][/color]

[QUOTE]
From his underground bunker, Saddam Insane sent George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to announce that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out, so he emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and then later to NASA and then the Secret Services????the list got longer and longer. Eventually they asked and elderly Navajo named, Cecil Begay ( one of the WWII Navajo Codetalkers).

Mr. Begay took one look at the message and replied: ?Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down?.
[/QUOTE]
[size=1][color=slategray]
NOW YOU WRITE THE SAME MESSAGE ON A PIECE OF PAPER AND TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN.

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE THE SAME MESSAGE. IF NOT PM.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Blayze]

[size=1]There is a blonde, a brunette and a redhead on a desert island, and there is inhabited land within swimming distance. The redhead swims halfway to the land and is eaten by a shark. The brunette makes a raft and gets halfway to the land before the raft is blown over and she is eaten by a shark.

The blonde begins to swim, and gets halfway to the land, and what happens?

She gets tired and swims back.

Ok that one probably needs to be told face-to-face, not written down.
[/size]

[DBZgirl88]

[COLOR=#004a6f]Thought I'd add more jokes.[QUOTE][COLOR=#004a6f]One day a farmer with a number of sows wanted to increase his stock, so he called his neighbour.

"Bring them over," his neighbour replied. The farmer loaded up his sows and in a matter of an hour he was back home again. The next day he looked on his sows and saw that the seemed to be acting strangely, so he called his neighbour up again.

"Bring them over, and we'll see what happens," came the reply.

Once again the farmer loaded up his sows and was on his way. The next when the sows seemed to be acting just as strangely, the farmer called his neighbour up.

"Come back," his neighbor replied.

The farmer set off with his sows and was back in a few hours.

On the fourth morning, the farmer and his wife were greeted with and unusual sound.

"Dear," said the farmer's wife, "the sows are very strange this morning."

"Oh, not again," the farmer replied.

"Well today they're in the truck and one is honking the horn."[/COLOR][/QUOTE]
[QUOTE][COLOR=#004a6f]A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuble antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the colour as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade but none come close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.

Eventually a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper colour. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.

A number of years later, he retires and turns his business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"

"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."[/COLOR][/QUOTE]
[QUOTE][COLOR=#004a6f]Half the high-school students have trouble with basic math. That means that out of one miliion students.... uh...uh...[/COLOR][/QUOTE]
[QUOTE][COLOR=#004a6f]Two buddies met in heaven one day. Frank asked Bill how he died. "I froze to death," he said.

Then Frank told his story: "I was at work one day and I was told that my wife was cheating on me. I rushed home. I searched every corner, every cupboard, under the beds, in closets- everywhere, but I could find anybody. I got so worked up I got a heart attack and died."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer," Bill moaned, "then we'd both be alive today!"[/COLOR][/QUOTE]:laugh: :rotflmao: More coming soon![/COLOR]

[Starwind]

Alright this isn't really a joke, though yu'll probably either laugh or be horribly disgusted by it.


So I'm balls deep in this chick and she says "Oh, your way better then my dad." I'm just thinking that's a weird thing for my sister to say.

[Crimson River]

And now for some blond jokes!:D

What do you call a blond who has dyed her hair brunette? Artificial Intelligence

What do you call a blond between two brunettes? A mental block

A blond, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years,
they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and
sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give
out three wishes, you may each have one" So the brunette goes first, "I
have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and
my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead
makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she
is gone. The blond starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks,
"What is the matter?" The blond said, "I wish my friends were here."

What do you call 10 blonds at the bottom of a pool? Air pockets

And here is a joke for all the women who read this post. Why do men like blonde jokes? Because they can understand them:bellylol:

[orbindo]

[COLOR=Red]One Liner!

"I'm Athiest guys, swear to God."

somethin for stale moments.[/COLOR]

[Riku]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=1][COLOR=Navy]Lol, I have a good one that I think is flipping hilarious. Oh, and no offense to anyone if they do get offened, it's just they way they were told. You know us hawaiians and our silly, racial jokes! XD

A Chinese, American and Portuguese convicts escaped from jail and were looking for a place to hide from the cops after them, so they went to a park and saw three trees and each of them hid into a different tree.
The cops came up to the trees in the park and looked up at the tree with the American in it, and the American quickly said, "Meow."
The cops then went up to the next tree and looked up at the tree with the Chinese in it and the Chinese quickly replied, "Meow."
Then the cops looked up the third tree with the Portugese in it and the Portugese quickly replied, "Moo." XD[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]