Jokes - You got any you want to share?

[Darla the Great]

I got about half-way through and then I couldn't wait to post my own jokes so sorry if they've already been posted.

This was e-mailed to me from a friend:

[quote]Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' [/quote]

Another:

[quote] Q: A smart blonde, Santa and a dumb blonde jump off a cliff, who lands first?
A: The dumb blonde because Sant and the smart blonde don't exist.[/quote]

And another:

[quote]A black man tried entering a bar but a white man stopped him and said, "No coloured people allowed."
The black man, furious, replied: "When I was born I was black, when I'm in the sun I'm black, when I'm sick I'm black, and when I die I will be black. You, however, were pink when you were born, red in the sun, green when you're sick and purple when you die -- and you have the nerve to call me coloured!"[/quote]

[Gin]

[QUOTE=Keyblade Wielder][font=Comic Sans MS][size=1][color=navy]A Chinese, American and Portuguese convicts escaped from jail and were looking for a place to hide from the cops after them, so they went to a park and saw three trees and each of them hid into a different tree.
The cops came up to the trees in the park and looked up at the tree with the American in it, and the American quickly said, "Meow."
The cops then went up to the next tree and looked up at the tree with the Chinese in it and the Chinese quickly replied, "Meow."
Then the cops looked up the third tree with the Portugese in it and the Portugese quickly replied, "Moo." XD[/color][/size][/font][/QUOTE][color=black][font=Comic Sans MS][size=1][color=navy]This is like a joke that I've herd before except it's a dumb blond joke:[/color][/size][/font][/color]

[color=black][font=Times New Roman][font=Comic Sans MS][size=1][color=navy]A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by cops, so they hid in three haystacks. The cops came in and started to look around when the brunette sneezed. One cop came to look at where the noise came from and she quickly said ?meow?. The cop turned away when the redhead coughed. The cop turned to see what had maid the noise so the redhead said ?woof?. The cops were about to leave when the blonde farted. When they went over to look in her haystack she said ?potato, potato, potato? [/color][/size][/font][/font][/color]

[Random]

OKAY, OKAY!

stupid Jo Mama joke, but here goes...three versions!

Your Mama is so fat, when she stands on the weight scale, it says "[COLOR=Indigo]Please wait, Processing...[/COLOR]"

Your Mama is so fat, when she stands on the weight scale, it says, "[COLOR=Indigo]To be continued...[/COLOR]"

Your Mama is so fat, when she stands on the weight scale, it says, "[COLOR=Indigo]Does Not Compute...[/COLOR]"

And now, a classic Blonde Joke!

[COLOR=Sienna]Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde
jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days
later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many
sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason
said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,
totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to
my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally
picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of
the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K.,
now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair
color, can I have my dog back?[/COLOR]

[Darla the Great]

[quote]A blonde was driving in a car wearing some headphones when she crashed. She was taken to hospital and the doctor took her headphones off and she died. The doctor was startled and put the headphones on -- it was saying: "Breathe in and out, in and out..."[/quote]

This one's better being told in person but still:

[quote]An English man, Scottish man and a chinese man were stuck in a forest. The English man decided to make himself boss and said: "Scottish man, you go get the firewood, Chinese man, you go get the supplies and I'll stay here."

It's been 3 days and only the Scottish man came back so the English man says to the Scottish man: "Where's Chinese man? Should we go look for him?" So they go into the forest and there's the Chinese man waiting for them who jumps out and yells: "Supplies!"[/quote]

[Viva]

i have a really mean one. i dunno if i should post it here though...pm me if you wanna know!!

actually, i have A LOT of mean jokes. nevermind, i'll just post it here. what's yellow and says "cheep cheep!!"? a chinese prostitute. pm me if you wanna know more!!

ok ok, i've got a blonde joke. it's kinda dirty in a sexual way, but it's not really gross.
a blonde and a brunette are in an elevator. it stops and a man walks in and he presses the button to his floor. the man has really bad dandruff that you can see it on his clothes. so the brunette whispers to the blonde, "someone needs to give him head'n'shoulders." (you know, the dandruff shampoo.) and the blonde says, "how do you give him shoulders?"

[color=DarkGreen][b][size=1]Viva, please don't double (or even triple) post. If you want to add something, and no one's posted since you did, use the EDIT button, rather than posting consecutively. I've merged your three posts together for now.

I'll leave it to the rest of the Board's membership to lay into you for the slightly distasteful jokes, heh.
[/size][/b][/color] [right][color=DarkGreen][size=1]-Raiyuu[/size][/color]
[/right]

[Lord Rannos]

[COLOR=DarkRed]I've got a shirt with a bunch of band jokes on it (a couple of them have been said) so I'm gonna steal some of those. Fair warning, they had no mercy when designing this shirt.


[B]What do you call a Bass Clarinetist with half a brain?[/B] [I]Gifted[/I]
[B]How do you make a Trombone sound like a French Horn?[/B] [I]Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes[/I]
[B]What's the definition of a Gentleman?[/B] [I] Someone who knows how to play the Trombone but doesn't[/i]
[B]What's the range of a tuba?[/B] [i] Twenty yards if you've got a good arm[/i]
[B]What do you call someone who hangs around with muscicians?[/B] [i] A Drummer[/i]
[B]How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?[/B] [i] The bow is moving[/i]
[B]How do you know an Alto is at your door?[/B] [I]She can't find her key[/I]
[B]What has 32 feet and an IQ of 83?[/B] [I]A Flag Corps[/I]
[B]What does a vaccum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?[/B] [I]When you plug them in, they both suck.[/i]

[B]Lawyer payback:[/B]

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued ...and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."


NOW FOR THE BEST PART


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

[B]Good old fashioned forum joke:[/B]

[B]How Many Forum Members Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?[/B]
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" .. another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[/COLOR]

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[color=darkviolet][font=lucida calligraphy] I'm too lazy to go through four pages of jokes right now. So I'll type up some that I've heard and hope you laugh.

Okay two men walk into a bar

The third one ducks!

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One, he holds on to the lightbulb and waits for the world to revolve around him

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. One, Men will screw anything (I hope that wasn't offensive)

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. I don't know. I've never seen it happen.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can understand them too

[b]Subject: Three blondes[/b]

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing

before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter

the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.


The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have

a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."


St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.


The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'

birth and exchange gifts."


St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.


The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter

said, "So, tell me."


She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with

the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover

feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and

the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and

eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a

very large boulder .


St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."


Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away

the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have

six more weeks of basketball."


St. Peter fainted.

[b]Redneck education[/b]

>
>>>Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they
>>>should go to college so they could get ahead.
>>>
>>>Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him to take Math,
>>>History, and Logic.
>>>
>>>"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.
>>>
>>>"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor. "Do you own
>>>a
>>>weed-eater?"
>>>
>>>"Sure do," the redneck responded.
>>>
>>>"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the
>>>professor
>>>went on.
>>>
>>>"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.
>>>
>>>"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a
>>>house.
>>>Is that right?"
>>>
>>>"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.
>>>
>>>"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by
>>>yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife. Right?"
>>>
>>>"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.
>>>
>>>"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are
>>>heterosexual rather than homosexual. Is that right?"
>>>
>>>"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I
>>>ever
>>>heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"
>>>
>>>Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the
>>>hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"?
>>>Cooter asks.
>>>
>>>"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.
>>>
>>>"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.
>>>
>>>"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a weed-eater?"
>>>
>>>"No." says Cooter.
>>>
>>>"You're Queer, aintcha?"

[b]Helping little brother[/b]

Two boys go into a conveniance store and pick up a box of tampons.
When they get to the register the cashier says: Oh you're so nice getting these for your mom
The older of the two boys said no, they're not for my mom.
cashier: then your sister?
The older of the two says: No they're not for my sister either.
The cashier is now perplexed: Well, if they're not for your mom and they're not for your sister who are they for?
The older boy says: They're for my little brother
CashierYour little brother? Why?
Older boy: Well, the commercial says that if you use them you can swim and ride a bike and my little brother can't do either!

[b]Do it yourself Tampons[/b]

A man goes to a grocery store and asks one of the clerks where the tampons are. The clerk points the man down an aisle and goes back to his work. A few minutes later the guy is going through the clerk's line with a ball of string and a bag of cotton balls.
The clerk says sir, I thought you were looking for tampons.
The man replies. Well I was, but last week when I asked my wife to get me some cigarettes and she came back with tobacco and rolling papers. So I figured if I had to make my own, so did she.

[b]Here's some wiccan humor... heehee. [/b]


**** Happens...

Dianaic: **** happens when men are around.

Norse: If **** happens, beat the crap out of it.

Feminist: Get in touch with your inner ****.

Solitary: If **** happens; Duck!

Eco-Feminist: We've got to clean up this ****.

Gardenarian: **** happens in degrees.

Alexandrian: **** happens because Gardner told us so.

Dabbler: We have ways of making **** happen.

Eclectic: We make our own ****.

Newbie: I don't understand this ****. -OR-
I like this ****.

Ceremonial Magician: No-one understands my ****.

Wiccan: You must balance your ****.

Witch: I can use this ****.

Druid: This is old ****.

Greek: Let's drink to this ****.

Reconstructionist: This **** happened before.

Celtic: This **** keeps happening to us.

Modern Western: We'll fight to keep our ****.

Fundamentalist: We know who to blame for this ****.

Priest/Priestess: This **** happens every year.

Traditionalist: Don't tell anyone about this ****.

Fam-Trad: I inherited this ****.

Visionary: Let's smoke this ****.

Former Catholics: If **** happens, I'm not to blame; I'm not to blame...

Techno-Pagan: This **** always happens when I'm online.

---------------------------------------

Top Ten ways to annoy a pagan:

10. Sayyyyyyy, is that a Jewish star?

9. No, then you must listen to Motley Crue, right? Not that, either? I know, it's a ... a ... Pentecost, right?

8. You guys really worship the devil, huh? Cool, I, like, listen to Black Sabbath, like, all the time, dude.

7. Oh, you're a Witch! I'm like, totally into, like, Goddess Consciousness. I sleep with a crystal every night, and have an Atlantean spirit guide. Will you teach me all the secrets of your religion?

6. I hear you Pagans do all your stuff in the nude. Wanna show me?

5. You will all burn in Hell. The Goddess is really Satan in drag. You don't believe in Satan? Boy, does he have you fooled!

4. Fascinating. I'm a sociologist; may I study you as a phenomena?

3. Do you really believe in all that nonsense?

2. You worship the Goddess? Poor thing; you obviously haven't heard about Jesus. Here, let me tell you...

And (drum roll, please):

1. You're a witch, huh? Well, I'm initiated at a higher level than you. I was initiated at the age of seven by my grandmother, who was the last of the Atlantean Trad Elfish Ninja Masters. I don't suppose YOU have any lineage.

----------------------------------------------------

Pagan in Hell:

A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some pearly gates. St. Peter asks him, "May I help you?"

The Pagan asks, "Where am I?"

Peter says, "You're at the gates of heaven."

The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven."

Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?"

"Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place; I'm supposed to go to Summerland."

Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily closed for remodeling."

"What should I do now?"

Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left."

The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water.

He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. "Hello, I'm Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?"

"Yes, I am. What's going to happen now?"

Satan says, "Well, the fishing's pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing. There's a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill."

Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming tortured souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud.

The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, "And what was THAT ???"

Satan rolls his eyes. "Oh, just ignore them. They're Christians; they wouldn't have it any other way."

---------------------------------------

A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to Pagan parents:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from then to do any drawing.

And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosy! By the way, what does the term "sky clad" mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.

One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor. One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As You Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I tried to correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns,

Mrs. Livingston

P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.

A prayer for Women:

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ***
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a *****
I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules
I don't smoke cigars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's okay for me to cry
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't ****!

---------------------

A Very Modern Princess

A fairy tale for the assertive woman of the millennium.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful, independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shore of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle, with my Mother... Where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:


I don't ******? think so.

Heh, did you hear about the dislexic Atheist?
He didn't believe in Dog!

Heh, thanks you've been a great audience!
CHW[/color][/font]

[Billy Shears]

[COLOR=Navy][SIZE=1]Okay. Imagine a comedy club setting...lemme get you in the mood...

[IMG]http://www.improvupcoming.com/images/i-splash6.jpg[/IMG]

Whadaya call a dog with no back legs and steel balls? Sparky!

(hahahahahahahaha!)

Why do doctors boil water when a baby is born? If it's stillborn, they can make soup!

(hahahahahahahaha!)

A giraffe walks into a bar and says "The High Balls are on me."

(oh man he is hysterical!)

A guy walks into a bar and says ouch!

(jeez he's killin' me! Oh, mercy!)

Why can't Jesus eat Skittles? They fall through the holes in his hands!

(What did he just say?)

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar, while deer nuts are under a buck!

(Bwhaahahahahaha! He is the best!)

Whats good about Indiana? ****** nothin'!

(Ok.)[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Itako0821]

You guys tell good jokes!

[renayiiq]

Whadaya call 2 lesbians in a closet?

-- a "licker" cabinet

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

-- 51. One to hold the bulb, and fifty to drink enough until the room starts to spin.

Theres this guy, and he goes into a confessional booth. The priest waits and waits, and after a while, he says, "Son, is there something I can help you with?" And the guy says, "Yeah. You got any toilet paper?"

[OMNOMNOMALY]

[FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR=Indigo]A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants, and sits down. A man walks up to him and says, "Excuse me sir, but did you know there is a steering wheel down your pants?" and the pirate looks at him and says "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Haha. I actually adore that joke. It makes me laugh every time. Likely, I am lame.
:animeswea
And my friend told me this one the other day...

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were walking down a road when they passed a farmers field full of corn. The rush in and grab as many ears as they can, but while they're doing so, they hear the farmer coming with his dogs. So they run into his barn, and jump into three sacks lying on the floor. The farmer walks in and makes a beeline for the sacks. He kicks the first sack where the brunette is hiding, and she says "ruff ruff!" "it's only a stupid dog." he says, and kicks the next sack where the redhead is hiding. She says "meow!" and he replies "It's only a stupid cat." He moves to the last sack where the blonde is hiding, and kicks it, to which the blonde says "POTATO."[/COLOR] [/FONT]

[Rhym]

[FONT=Times New Roman][COLOR=DarkSlateGray]Here's a good Irish joke I heard from a family friend.

[b]The Old Irishman[/b]

It's been a slow night at The Four-Leaf Clover Pub, and the barman is just about to close up for the night. Suddenly, the door bursts open, and standing in the doorway is the hunched figure of an old man, taking shelter from the pouring rain.

The barkeep says "I'm sorry, sir, but the bar's closed, you'll have to go back home."

The old man moves up to the bar and speaks to him in a heavy brogue. "Terribly sorry, sir. Just one glass o' Guinness is all I ask."

The barman feels pity for the shabby, broken old man, so he serves him up a glass and retreats to the far corner of the bar and picks up a glass to clean.

The Irishman gets about three-quarters of the way done with the Guinness when, before the barman's very eyes, a tiny little man jumps out of the old Irishman's shirt, cursing up a storm. He races down the old man's arm, kicks over the glass, and zooms back into the shirt.

The barman is stunned! He rushes over to the old man, cleans up the mess, and gives him another Guinness, on the house. He asks, "What was that little... thing that knocked over the glass?"

The Irishman looks up. "Oh, ye mean the leprechaun? Oh aye, 'tis a sad tale indeed. Ye don't want te hear it, believe ye me."

The barman replies, "Well, hey, it's been a slow night, I don't have to close up right away, let's hear it."

The old Irishman concedes and starts his tale.

"When I was yet a young laddo back on the Emerald Isle, I would take walks in the bonny forests and peat bogs. Well, one day, as I strolled along, I spied me a leprechaun, caught in a trap! It's common knowledge, ye ken, that if ye free a leprechaun, 'e has te give ye a wish!

"Well, the leprechaun spotted me and called me over. 'E said, 'Please, kind sir, could ye find it in yer heart te free me from this buggered trap?'

"I said, 'Not so fast there, leprechaun, I know the rules o' yer kind. First ye have te grant me a wish!' The wee man agreed, and so I thought long and hard.

"Finally, I said, 'Gold! Give me a big ol' pot o' gold, wee man!'

"But the leprechaun only winced and shook 'is head. 'E said 'Now, there are rules, ye ken. Ye can't be givin' away the faerie gold, 'tis strictly forbidden.'

"So I thought some more. I said, 'Women! Loads an' loads o' gorgeous women, tha's what I want, wee man!'

"But again the leprechaun just winced. 'Ye can't be grantin' love as a wish, I'm afraid te say. Try again, good sir.'

"So I thought, and I thought, longer than I had before, until finally I had it.

"So I wished for a twelve-inch prick an' he's been with me ever since."[/FONT][/COLOR]

[Kanariya]

[size=1][font=georgia]I remembered these, and they're probably from somewhere on the net.

A woman is playing golf and she hits her golfball in the woods. While searching for it, she saw a frog caught in a trap.

The frog said, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your husband will get ten times more or better."

For the first wish, the woman wanted to become the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do know that if you wish this, your husband will be the most beautiful man in the world, the woman will flock to him, and..." "That's okay." So the woman became the most beautiful woman in the world.

For the second wish, the woman wanted to become the richest woman in the world. The frog warned her, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, ten times richer then you, and.." "That's okay." So the woman became the richest woman in the world.

The frog then asked for her third wish, and she replied, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

~

[b]Sexual Theme. I'll put a spoiler up just for safe caution.[/b]

There is a fly hovering six inches above the water. Unknown to the fly, there is a fish under the water, and the fish thought, 'Well, if the fly comes down six inches, I can eat the fly.' Unaware to the fish there was a bear nearby, and the bear thought, 'Well if the fly comes down six inches, the fish will eat the fly, and then I'll get a chance to eat the fish.' Unaware to the bear there was a hunter nearby, and the hunter thought, 'Well if the fly comes down six inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, and I'll get a chance to shoot the bear.' There was a pack of food beside the hunter, and unaware to the hunter there was a mouse nearby, and the mouse thought, 'Well, if the fly comes down six inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I'll get an opportunity to get into the pack of food.' Unaware to the mouse there was a cat nearby, and the cat thought, 'Well if the fly comes down six inches, the fish will eat the fly, the bear will eat the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will get into the pack of food and I'll have a chance to eat the mouse.'

So, the fly came down six inches, the fish at the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse got into the pack of food, but the cat over estimated his jump and instead of landing on the pack of food and the mouse, he landed in the water.

What's the moral of the story?
[spoiler]If the fly comes down six inches, you get a wet *****.[/spoiler][/size][/font]

[Itako0821]

[left][font=Arial]here's some I saw on another site. (I THINK I'M A BIT OUT OF DATE HERE!)[/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][/font] [/left]
[left][font=Arial][/font] [/left]
[left][font=Arial]A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.[/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial]The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"[/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][/font] [/left]
[left][font=Arial][/font] [/left]
[left][font=Arial]2...A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"[/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][/font] [/left]
[left][font=Arial]3...There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.[/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][/font] [/left]
[left][font=Arial]4....A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"[/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][/font] [/left]
[left][font=Arial]5....A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"[/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][/font] [/left]
[left][font=Arial]and, I'll stop here[/font][/left]
[left][font=Arial][/font] [/left]

[PaganAngel]

Where to begin...

-Yo momma's so fat she got more chins than the Hong Kong phone book.
-Yo momma's so dumb she sits on the TV and watches the couch.
-Yo momma's so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.

And then...

What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?

Hmm... not so sure I could get away with putting the answer to this one (Did I mention it's a Michael Jackson joke?). So PM me if you care to know.

[Andrew]

Time to make me contribution to this little thread. Most will probably find them vulgar, crude or offensive in some way, but they made me laugh for ages!

Q. What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
A. Lazy

Q.What does religion and a penis have in common?
A. They're both forced down your throat by a priest.

Your Mama is so old, I told her to act her age and she died.

[Momiji Love]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue][SIZE=1][FONT=Verdana]Alright. I've got two.

There are these three turtles named Jim, Bob and Sam. And one day they decide to go on a picnic.They pack sandwhiches and bottles of Jone's Soda (the kind you need a bottle opener for). They set out, and it takes them three days to get to the picnic spot. When they get there, Bob unpacks the picnic basket.
"Alright Jim, where is the bottle opener?"
"I wasn't supposed to get it! Sam was!"
"I thought Bob had it!"
"I'm thirsty! Jim, go get it!"
"Why don't you get it,Sam!"
Bob, who is getting quite sick of the arguing says,"Guys, stop arguing. I'll go get it. But you have to promise me you won't eat the sandwiches while I'm gone."
Sam and Jim promise they will not eat a single sandwich until he gets back.

Six days pass, but Bob isn't back. But a promise is a promise, so they don't eat the sandwiches. Three more days pass, and Jim and Sam are getting really hungry. Sam finally says "Do you think Bob will care if we have one tiny bite of a sandwich?"
"No.Thats a good idea. He'll never know." Jim replies.
So they unwrap one sandwich and as they are about to take their bite...
Bob jumps out from behind a rock and says,"Ha! I knew it! Now, I'm not going!"

[B]This one is pretty bad...reader disgretion is advised.[/B]

Little Johnny was on a camping trip with his class when a storm blew in. Johnny snuck into his teacher's room and said,"Teacher, I am scared of the storm. Can I sleep in your bed?"
The teacher, a young attractive woman said,"Only for a little bit."
So he crawled up into her bed and snuggled down into the blankets.The teacher drifted off to sleep. About a half hour later,she woke up suddenly.
"Johnny, what are you doing?"
"My mom lets me put my finger in her bellybutton when I am scared. It helps me fall asleep."
"Fine." the teacher replied, not sure how it would help. She drifted off to sleep again.
A half an hour later she woke up again.
"Johnny, thats not my bellybutton."
"Teacher, thats not my finger."

Meh. Can't think of any more.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Mewprincess]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue]Well this joke is kinda on the 'loser' side, but I still think it's funny (in a pathetic way) and cute at the same time...

A Harvard man and a Yale man finish at adjoining urinals. The Harvard man proceeded to the sink to wash his hands while the Yale man went directly to the door.
The Harvard mand said,"At Harvard, they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate."
The Yale man replied,"At Yale, they teach us not to piss on our hands."[/COLOR]

[Aberinkula]

Okay I got a few.

So a dyslexic walks into a bra.

So a guy walks into a restaurant. He sits down. The waiter askes him "what would you like?" So the guy replied "I'd like chili please." Well the waiter shakes his head. "Sorry we gave the last of the chili away." Well a man lookes back at his table and gives him the chili. "Here you go. I don't want it." Said the man.
Well as the guy starts eating it. When he eats aabout half of it he gags and throws it up. Inside were flies and maggots. The guy who gave him the chili turns and says "Yeah that's how far I got too."

Want some blonde jokes?

Why do blonde nurses have red pens?
So they can draw bood.

Why'd the blonde cross the road?
To get some chicken.

Okay here's my last one.

What do you get when you mix a penis, an SUV, a lesbian, and a TV?

The Dick Van Dyke Show

[Dhampir]

If the oppisite of pro is con... then the oppisite of progress would be....?

Comeon, you know what I mean... ^_-

then again, you might not know what I'm talking about if you don't live in america... I also have a lot of Helen Keler jokes, if it wouldn't offend anyone.

[PaganAngel]

Two Irishmen walked out of a bar. [b]Ha! Yeah right![/b]

[Jeebs]

A nun was standing next to a golfer. The golfer missed the ball and said, "Damn, I missed!"

The nun said, "Keep speaking like that and the good lord will punish you!"

So the golfer swung again and missed and said, "Damn, I missed!"

The nun said, "Speak like that one more time and the good lord will punish you!"

So the golfer missed again and said, "Damn, I missed!"

The nun said, "That's it! Now the good lord will punish you!"

Then a lightning bolt came down and struck the nun and God said, "Damn, I missed!"

[Tekkaman]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3]A man walks into a bar in a long black trench coat with a large circular hat on that [b][i]shadows[/i][/b] his face. The man sits at the bar table and asks the bartender for a shot glass and a bottle of [b][i]'Moonshine'[/i][/b] [i][b]([color=royalblue]Which, by the way, is [u]really strong[/u] alcohol[/color])[/b][/i]. After the bottle and glass are delivered, the man pours himself a glass and downs it in one gulp. He then get up from his table and [b][i]jumps out the window ([color=royalblue]It's about a 100 foot drop[/color])[/i][/b].[/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]All of the other customers look at the window that the man jumped out of momentarily before resuming their drinking and talking again.[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i][u]10 minutes later[/u][/i][/b], the same man returns walks to his seat. [b][i]At this time, all of the other drinkers can't believe he survived the fall[/i][/b]. The cloaked man takes another shot of Moonshine and [b][i]jumps out the window again[/i][/b].[/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]This time the customers are curious...[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]After [u]another[/u] 10 minutes,[/i][/b] the man returns yet again, only to be stopped by a customer before he could get to his seat.[/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]"Hey,"[/i][/b] The confused customer said. [b][i]"How is it that you can jump out that window and return [u]unscathed[/u]? What's your secret?"[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][i][b][color=darkred]"Well, by drinking that glass of 'Moonshine' over there, it creates a [u]byouancy[/u] that allows me to softly land at the bottom of the groud when I jump out the window."[/color][/b][/i] The cloaked man said, pointing at his table with the bottle and glass.[/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]"Can I try?"[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i][color=darkred]"I... [u]wouldn't[/u] advise it."[/color][/i][/b] The mystery man said.[/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]"Ah screw you. Im'ma try and you're [u]not[/u] gonna stop me."[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][color=darkred][b][i]"Suit yourself."[/i][/b][/color][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3]And with that, the angry customer went to the mystery man's table and [b][i]downed the Moonshine[/i][/b] exactly like he watched the cloaked man do. He then walked to the window and[b][i] jumped[/i][/b], all of the other customers looking now. When the man reached the ground, however, [b][i]he died on impact[/i][/b]; a red smear seen from atop the window.[/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]The other men at the window gasped at what they had seen...[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3]As the cloaked man shook his head and sat back down at his original table, the bartender walked up to him and said:[/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][spoiler][b][i][color=black]"[u]Superman[/u], you're an @** hole when you're drunk."[/color][/i][/b][/spoiler][/size][/font]

[center][font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][i][b][u]=========================[/u][/b][/i][/size][/font][/center]
[center][b][i][/i][/b][/center]
[left][font=Palatino Linotype][size=1][color=#000080][color=black][QUOTE=Billy Shears][/color] [font=Palatino Linotype][color=#000080]Why can't Jesus eat Skittles? They fall through the holes in his hands![/left]
[size=1] [/size]
[size=1](What did he just say?) [/size][/color][/font][color=black][/QUOTE][/color] [/color][/size][/font]

[left][font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][color=black]Funny as that was, I couldn't believe you put that on [b][i]Otaku Boards,[/i] [i][u]Billy Shears[/u][/i][/b].[/color][/size][/font][/left]

[Aberinkula]

Okay here's more.

So a guy goes to hell. On a table he sees Hitler, Saddam Hussain, and Superman.
Superman your here! But how? The man askes. Superman turns and Says. I'm as much surprised as you, I told a girl I was fast as a speeding bullet.

Confusious say "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."

[SunfallE]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue]Here's one that I saw at a myOtaku site a while back.

[INDENT]Can you imagine working for a company that has a little
more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

It is the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of
us in line.[/INDENT]

I certainly hope it's just a joke. :rolleyes: [/COLOR]