Jokes - You got any you want to share?

[Fyxe]

[size=1][color=slategray]Yeah, I only know sick jokes, courtesy of my friends.

A little kid comes back home from a friend's house early one evening. When he walks into the living room, he sees his mother and father having sex on the couch. Not knowing what was going on, he was obviously curious.
"Daddy, what're you doing?" He asks.
"Making a cake." His father replies. Being none the wiser, the little boy goes up to his room for the night.
The next morning, he confronts his mother in the kitchen.
"Mommy, you and Daddy were making a cake last night, right?"
"Yes, honey, why?"
"Oh good, because I licked the frosting off the couch."

XP

I know more, but I'm too tired to type it out. Heh.[/color][/size]

[Aberinkula]

I got a lot of viagra jokes.

Did you hear about the guy who got viagra stuck in is throat?
He had a stiff neck.

So a blonde a brunnette and a red head are in the bathroom together. There is also a magic mirror. when someone says something true the mirror leves them there. But if wat a person says is a lie they dissapear. So the Redhead said "I'm the prettiest redhead in the world." She stays there. The brunnette says "I'm the smartest brunnette in the world." she to stays there. Finnally the blonde goes up and says "i think" as she starts to say something she dissapears.

I got a million of em!

87 year olds having sex?! What kind of sex is that. "Was it fun for you?" "Uhh I can't remember. "I'm done." "Duh who are you?"

[eleanor]

[color=dimgray]
What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.

Offensive Jokes, [b]don't read[/b] if you don't think they're going to funny. I have a what a lot of people call a sick sense of humor, so be warned. Really.

[spoiler] What do you call Father's Day in Harlem? - Confusion.

Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? - You wouldn't like it either if you were called "ohugdlkgja!"

How do you get 10 babies in a jar? A blender. How do you get them out? Tortilla chips!

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair. [/spoiler][/color]

[Fyxe]

[size=1][color=slategray]Oh, we are going to get into the Helen Keller jokes, huh?

[spoiler]What does Helen Keller's parents do when they want to punish her? - Move the furniture around.[/spoiler]

Oh, here are just some stupid jokes.

What do you call a no-armed, no-legged man in a river? - Bob

What do you call a no-armed, no-legged man in a hole? - Phil

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? - Ileane

XD[/color][/size]

[Momiji Love]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue][SIZE=1][FONT=Verdana]Ha. Now for some lame ones.

[B]Q[/B] : Why didn't G-Unit get on the bus?
[B]A[/B] : Because they didn't have 50 Cent.

[B]Q[/B] : What do you call a bear with no teeth?
[B]A[/B] : A gummy bear

[B]Q[/B] : What did the snail say when he was riding on the turtles back?
[B]A[/B] : Whee!

Gosh. Those are the ones I tell little kids. The second one is the only one they usually get.[/FONT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[Dhampir]

Yay Helen Keler!!!

[spoiler]How did Helen Keler lose her hands?
She tried to read the road signs while driving.

How do you punish Helen Keller?
give her a basketball and tell her to read it.

What do you call a tenis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?
Fscking Halarious.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.[/spoiler]

Ok, now some seriously dirty jokes...

[spoiler]Why is Saddam Hussein afraid to have sex with a girl?
Because when he opens her legs he will see Bush.

A dirty old grandmother, mother, and daughter, all hookers, are talking when the daughter says, "you know I get really mad when guys only give me $50 for a blowjob." The mother says "$50? Back in the 1950's we were happy to get $20" And the grandmother says "Twenty dollars? Ha! back in the 1930's we where just happy to have something warm in our stomaches."

One day little Susie went out to play when she found her cat Mr. Piddles laying in the garden with his legs straight up. Well she got scared and went to get her daddy. When the father saw he said "Sweety im sorry but Mr. Piddles is dead. "She said "well why is his legs up in the air?" Daddy told her because it will be easier for Jesus to sweep down and grab his leg and take him to heaven. Well a few days passed and the father came home from work, Susie came running up to him and said "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Daddy asked "What do you mean? " She said "Well mommy was laying on the floor with her legs in the air saying "Oh Jesus Im coming, Im coming", And if it wasnt for the mailman holding her down,she surely would have gone![/spoiler]

And now, for the best dead baby joke ever...

[spoiler] What is the difference between a dead baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to smash with a sledge hammer, the other is a watermelon[/spoiler]

heh, that's all I got for now...

[Aberinkula]

So there are 3 old women age 90 sitting on a park bench. A man comes by and flashes the. The first one had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one couldn't reach.

What do viagra and disney land have in common?
It takes one hour to wait for a 3 minute ride.

Here are very dirty jokes Don't look if you hate them.
[spoiler]Do you smoke after sex? Nope havn't checked.

Sex on TV is okay as long as you don't fall of. [/spoiler]

[Mewprincess]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue]Right before Christmas vacation, William Lyons Phelps, a professor of literature at Yale University marked an examination paper on which was written,"God only knows the answer to this question. Merry Christmas." Phelps returned the exam with "Gods gets and A. You get an F. Happy New Year."
[/COLOR]

[Itako0821]

[size=3][color=purple]Mewprincess, I don't think I got that joke. Well, anyway, is that una in your signature!??[/color][/size]
[size=3][color=purple] [/color][/size]
[size=3][color=purple] [/color][/size]
[size=3][color=purple]1) How come I'm never right?[/color][/size]
[size=3][color=#800080]Because I always go left![/color][/size]
[size=3][color=#800080][/color][/size]
[size=3][color=#800080]2) "what's a tong?" A person asked oneday.[/color][/size]
[size=3][color=#800080]"The thing in your mouth!" Answered a kindergardener.[/color][/size]

[Tekkaman]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][i]Okay, I thought of another one: This joke isn't dirty at all, just funny as hell. As always, I'll place spoiler tags on the punchline.[/i][/size][/font]




[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3]A [i]15 year old[/i] teenage boy walks into the clinic where he was met by a middle-aged physician. The boy politely asks for condoms.[/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]"And why do you need condoms, young man?"[/i][/b] The doctor asks. [b][i]"Are you expecting to engage in sexual activity?"[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]"Yessir."[/i][/b] The boy replies kindly. [b][i]"There's this girl I really like and i'm sure that tonight will be the night that I go all the way."[/i][/b] The boy can't contain the estatic look on his face. [b][i]"That's why I need condoms please, sir."[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3]The physician was equally astounded by the boy's politeness as well as his honesty concerning coming to the clinic first. He became excited for the boy, willing to help him any way he could. [b][i]"So, what sizes do you need?"[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]"Regular would be fine, thank you."[/i][/b] The boy stated.[/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]"And how many do you need?"[/i][/b] The physician questioned happily.[/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]"How many can you give out?"[/i][/b] The boy cut in.[/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3]The physician gave the boy a jumbo pack of latex condoms followed by an immediate handshake. [b][i]"Be safe young man."[/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][b][i]"I will. Thank you."[/i][/b] The boy replied, walking off.[/size][/font]

[center][font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][i][b]~+~[/b][/i][/size][/font][/center]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3]As the boy made it to the door of his girlfriend's home. The mother answered the door, already expecting him. As he was greeted by the mother, his 16 year old girlfriend hugged and kissed him. She had asked his boyfriend if he had an appetite before they 'went upstairs'; the boy quickly agreeing to the plan.[/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3]As the mother, boy and girlfriend entered the dining room, the boy met the dad, shaking his hand before sitting down at the table. The boy then immediately prayed over the food, the other three bowing their heads. [i]The boy prayed for the food silently for 1 minute, then 3 minutes, then 5 minutes without raising his head.[/i][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3]The girlfriend leaned to the boy, saying, [b][i][color=black]"I had no idea you were so religious."[/color][/i][/b][/size][/font]

[font=Palatino Linotype][size=3][spoiler]The boy leans towards his girlfriend and says, [b][i]"I had no idea your father was a physician..."[/i][/b][/spoiler][/size][/font]

[Horendithas]

[COLOR=DeepSkyBlue]I ran across this the other day and since I know there are members here who are big fans of the Star Wars series (I'm looking at you Gavin ;) ) I figured they would get as much of a kick out of them as I did. Though you've all probably already read this list. Anyway...

[B]
You know you're a redneck jedi when...[/B]


[INDENT]· You hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
· You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
· Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
· You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
· At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
· You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
· You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
· The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
· Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
· You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
· You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
· You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
· You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
· You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
· You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
· Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
· You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
· You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
· You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
· Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."[/INDENT][/COLOR]

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1]Interesting, most interesting.[/SIZE]

[quote name='indifference][COLOR=DeepSkyBlue']I ran across this the other day and since I know there are members here who are big fans of the Star Wars series (I'm looking at you Gavin ;) ) I figured they would get as much of a kick out of them as I did. Though you've all probably already read this list. Anyway...[/COLOR][/quote]

[SIZE=1]OK, and I am officially weird out because this is the first time I've decided to read this thread in ages. Anyway time to add a few bad jokes of my own.

[B]What do you call a guy with a shovel ?[/B]
- Doug

[B]What do you call I guy without a shovel ?[/B]
- Douglas

[B]How do you confuse a [insert minority in your country often accused of being unintelligent] ?[/B]
- Put three shovels up against a wall and tell him to take his pick.[/SIZE]

[Aberinkula]

Well if Acheron has a condom joke, I will throw one of my favs out there.

A boy goes to a pharmisist and asks "May I buy some condoms? I have this date tonight." The pharmasist says "Say no more. What size small, medium, large?" The boy replies "Medium would be nice." The pharmisist gets the box. "That will be 5 dollars plus tax." "TAX!!" Yelled the boy. "I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

Here are some other jokes.

24 beers in a pack. 24 hours in a day. Coincidence?

They are going to put a church piano and a xerox machine togeter. It will be a reproductive organ.

The main reason why Santa is so jolly is because he knows a couple ho ho hos.

[Up4anime]

[COLOR=DarkRed]I have 3

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."



This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"



A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don?t you just put it all on me cause I?m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn?t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch![/COLOR]

[Guest clarinet1213]

Q:
how many blonds does it take to screw in a light balb?
A:None we have the men do it for us
:animenose

[Anakoni Stark]

ok, I can recall this one from experence:

Fury: *playing burnout revenge*
Jordan: *reading Heads Up Display*

*about two mintues later*

*in-game a car explodes*

Jordan: Time Extended
Cray: oooh!
Fury: >__>'
Jordan: '<___<
Lexus: EW.
Group: WTF?! XD

[Mafia Blk]

Well I have a joke i heard at Bakersfield wrestling camp.
Ok here it is.

What do you call a bear with no teeth....





a gummy bear.

[Gavin]

[SIZE=1][B]Great Reasons To Be A Guy...[/B]

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.[/SIZE]

[Aberinkula]

[QUOTE=Gavin][SIZE=1][B]Great Reasons To Be A Guy...[/B]

//snip//

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.[/SIZE][/QUOTE]

I agree Gavin.

Plus some organs are outside of you. Which isn't all that funny.

[indent][font=trebuchet ms][color=darkgreen]SK, there's no need to quote Gavin's ENTIRE post - it's right above yours! Just quote the relevant bit - or, sometimes, it's okay not to quote at all, if it's obvious to what you're replying.
--Raiyuu[/color][/font][/indent]

[Shadow Blade]

[size=1][color=slategray]
Wow. I haven't been here for a while. I thought that this thread was already history.At any hoot I have a joke, got through the email. Here it is:[/color][/size]
[size=1]
There was a little kid who went to sleep over at his buddy's house. The next morning he comes back thinking really hard about something. His grandmother was watching him for a while and finally asked him what he was thinking about. The little kid told his grandmother that he was wondering what it was called when a person is lying on top of another person. His stupid grandma thought to herself, I better tell him what it's called because he's old enough. So the grandma tells him about sex. Apparently the next time the boy slept over, he came back very angry. He told his grandma, "Grandma! That's not what it's called! It's called a bunk bed!"[/size]
[size=1][color=slategray]
I know, a pathetic joke. But it's all I have right now.[/color][/size]

[Gavin]

[QUOTE][SIZE=1][B]Rules for hunting lawyers[/B]

Washington state attorney season and bag limits
1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty[/SIZE][/QUOTE]

[SIZE=1]Lawyer jokes are usually amusing.[/SIZE]