2010DigitalBoy Posted November 5, 2005 Share Posted November 5, 2005 [COLOR=Purple]Is the name of my poetry book. I've got about 34 poems in it and I'll post them one at a time and wit for a reaction before posting the next. [i][center]An Ode To The Underworld Ah, Beautiful! So Beautiful! This Land We Know As Hell! Wide Rivers Of Deep Crimson And Waterfalls Of Innocent Blood Rotting Bodies Everywhere A Putrid Scent Fills The Air The Endless Fields Of Red Scorched Earth Magma Streaming Across The Ground And The Flames! Oh, The Flames! So Many Bodies They Must Scorch And The Fiery Hail That Drops Like Bombs Is So Pretty In The Summer The Spikes Protruding From The Earth Coated In Blood Fill Me With Mirth Oh, Beautiful So Beautiful This Land We Know As Hell! [/i][/center][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2010DigitalBoy Posted November 5, 2005 Author Share Posted November 5, 2005 [COLOR=Purple]:animesmil Thanks, I was trying to be as delightfully dreadfull as possible. This one is my personal favorite. [i][center]Who Am I? I Could Tell You If I Knew I Am No One Nothing New I Don?t Exist I Am Just Here Whispering Things In Your Ear Just A Shadow Of A Boy Just A Spirit Just A Ploy Don?t Worry I?ll Go Away And Maybe I?ll Exist One Day [/i][/center][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IceRose Posted November 5, 2005 Share Posted November 5, 2005 I like this one better than the other one, maybe because it deals with feelings. Good work. On the other one I liked the word use and the imagery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2010DigitalBoy Posted November 5, 2005 Author Share Posted November 5, 2005 [COLOR=Purple]Thanks again. Most of them are about feelings, I just use the underworld one as an intro. WARNING if you are a republican, you may take offense to this one. If you do, oh well, if I cared I wouldn't be posting it. I put this one early so that everyone can get a clear view of my political standpoint. [i][center]There?s A Monster In My Closet It?s Skin Is Scaly It?s Texture Is Rough It?s Claws Are Sharp It?s Breaking My Stuff It?s Eyes Are Dark It?s Teeth Are Green It?s Hair Is Mangy It?s Really Mean It?s Purely Evil It?s Heart Is Thin It Must Be A Republican! [/i][/center][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted November 5, 2005 Share Posted November 5, 2005 [font=Arial][size=2]kuroinuyoukai and IceRose, I [i]strongly[/i] suggest that you read the [u][b][url="http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=48241"]Constructive Criticism[/url][/b][/u] thread at the top of OB Anthology. If you are going to comment on someone's writing, then you [i]must[/i][/size][/font][font=Arial][size=2] do it constructively. If you like something, say why you like it. Go into details. IceRose, tell us what imagery exactly is it that you liked, what words in particular that you liked. Suggest changes and things to do differently. Not giving proper CC in this forum is considered spam, and it will be deleted in future. Thorax, the vocabulary you use in your poems isn't bad; things like mangy, protruding and putrid are all words I probably never would have thought to use if I were in your position. The rhythm of your poems are really good, but some of the rhymes are a little obvious and sound sort of childish when you use them; [i]it's teeth are green/.../it's really mean[/i] sounds like something from a child's game. The abcb scheme tends to be a little detracting from the whole, but overall it's not a bad effort. Maybe you could try to include a bit more depth and subtlety rather than stating everything explicitly. It's just a thought -- something to try out and experiment with. Also, in future please read the [u][b][url="http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313"]OB Anthology Basics[/url][/b][/u] and [b]rate your thread[/b]. All threads must be rated for maturity in OB Anthology. In future, if you forget, your thread [i]will[/i] be closed. [/size][/font] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2010DigitalBoy Posted November 5, 2005 Author Share Posted November 5, 2005 [COLOR=Purple]Thank you for your critisicm but I'd like to point out that some of these rhymes are meant to be obvious. For instance, There's A Monster In My Closet is meant to sound like a little kid is afraid of a monster in his closet. And as we all know, kids say the darndest things. This next one wasn't actually meant to be a poem, I just felt like making it rhyme and when I formed this book I figured I'd put it in. [i][center]My Last Stand My life is always building up Or crumbling to the ground Sometimes I want to yell at god But I don?t make a sound I only wish that I could see What I truly am I don?t think that what I?ve become Will keep me happy and I?m so confused about what?s wrong I don?t know what is going on Am I going through a "phase?" Have I hurt myself to long? Some days I feel like a king Some days treat me like sh** But I just put myself together And learn to deal with it I sometimes ask if I may die Sometimes I beg to live I know that my life must go on But must it be like this? [/i][/center][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kuroinuyoukai Posted November 26, 2005 Share Posted November 26, 2005 I like your poems because the dark ones I can really relate to. Your word usage was one to stir up feelings of the reader.They stirred up feelings in me that I sometimes wish I could forget. I even liked the one about the monster. I could see the monster. You were very descriptive in that poem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2010DigitalBoy Posted November 26, 2005 Author Share Posted November 26, 2005 [COLOR=Purple]Thanks ^_^ This one just sort of came to me. [center]I Die My life flashes before me eyes I gaze up towards the dark blue skies And the one I so despise Gazes down at me The blood slowly seeps around me I already can?t feel my feet My eyes tear up till I can?t see And he gazes down at me I feel the pain deep in my side And all of my feelings subside The one who killed me runs to hide No one is there for me My soul slips from my lifeless corpse My friends and loved ones will remorse My body and I now divorce Life is over for me [/center][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DNAngellover Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 I like that hug it almost feel so real & when u put it in a peom like u did I could almost see it :catgirl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2010DigitalBoy Posted November 27, 2005 Author Share Posted November 27, 2005 [quote name='DNAngellover']I like that hug it almost feel so real & when u put it in a peom like u did I could almost see it :catgirl:[/quote] [COLOR=Purple]Thanks ^_^ And please, call me Tical Sing The Song Of Life All Life Is A Song A Long, Depressing Ballad An Ode To Sorrow A Bellowing Dramatic Opera All Life Is A Song An Energetic Guitar Riff A Shower Of Violence A Voice That Screams In Agony All Life Is A Song A Beautiful Melody A Powerful Rhythm A Distressful Tune[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DNAngellover Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 u r welcome Tical :catgirl: I hope u make more of u peoms :animesmil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2010DigitalBoy Posted November 27, 2005 Author Share Posted November 27, 2005 [COLOR=Purple]Oh don't worry, these are premade, I got a million of em! Once Upon A Time Once Upon A Time A Young Hero With A Sword Saved The World From Endless Darkness Once Upon A Time A Woman With Nothing To Loose Sets Out On a Quest For Bitter Vengeance Once Upon A Time A Space Cruiser Carrying A Military Prototype Weapon Is Attacked By Aliens Once Upon A Time An Insignificant Boy Writes An Insignificant Poem Of His Insignificance[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DNAngellover Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 it sounds all some I can feel the way u put ur heart in it Tical it is all some I love it :catgirl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2010DigitalBoy Posted November 27, 2005 Author Share Posted November 27, 2005 [COLOR=Purple]thanks! I'm guessing 'all some' means 'awesome'? What Do You Want? Don?t Ever Be Afraid To Say What You Want To Do What You Want To Be What You Want Just Know What You Want Be Sure It?s What You Want And When You Know It?s What You Want Do It Because If You Don?t Know What You Want You?ll Never Get What You Want And The Thoughts Of What You Want Will Torment You[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DNAngellover Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 I like it. U soud< spelled wrong sorry) make u a poem book & give them to ur friends to read Tical because ur poems r so awesome. :catgirl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kuroinuyoukai Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 I could really relate to this one. The words flow well and poem had a nice rhythm to it. The topic is true so true. Maybe you should write one about what happens when you know what you want and can't have it? :catgirl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2010DigitalBoy Posted November 27, 2005 Author Share Posted November 27, 2005 [COLOR=Purple]Thanks both of you. DNAlover this IS my poetry book, BGPNP. I'm sorry for the caps in this one buth that's how it was origionally typed... I was angry at the time. And no caps lock either, I just held the shift key >_<. Don?t Kill Yourself I DON'T WANT TO DIE I DON'T WANT TO LIVE I DON'T WANT TO EXIST LIKE THIS ANYMORE I TEAR MYSELF APART I THINK I HAVE NO HEART I WANT TO PUT AN END TO THIS TRADGEDY I THINK ITS MY TIME I THINK I SHOULD DIE I DON'T THINK I SHOULD TURN BACK ON MY LIFE I WANT TO BE FREE FROM MY LIFE'S TRADGEDY BECAUSE ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY AND BURNING A HOLE IN ME I HATE WHATS HAPPENING INSIDE OF MY HEAD SOMETIMES I WISH THAT I WAS DEAD IM ALWAYS WISHING ALWAYS WAITING FOR THINGS TO COME TO AN END I THINK THAT THE VOICES INSIDE OF ME ARE TAKING ME A STEP TO FAR I HAVE TO STOP IT ALL BEFORE IT ALL JUST FALLS APART I JUST DON'T WANT TO DIE I JUST DON'T WANT TO LIVE I JUST DON'T WANT MY LIFE TO END BEFORE IT BEGINS[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DNAngellover Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 the poems r from hugmonster she worked hard on them to get it just right :catgirl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2010DigitalBoy Posted November 27, 2005 Author Share Posted November 27, 2005 [COLOR=Purple]XD Im flattere dyou thought I was a girl but the I'm actually a boy :animeswea What? I?m Sorry I Can?t Hear You What Was It That You Just Said? I?m Sorry Didn?t Hear You Speak Up Or You?ll End Up Dead[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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