Writing Tical's Ultimate Adventure [PG - Mild violence]

[2010DigitalBoy]

This is a novel that I am working on and need some good critisicm so I came here.

CH I: That Morning

Well, I guess the least I could say is that I did NOT see it coming. I mean? everything started out normal. Insane, mind you, but normal for me. Every day is, essentially, the same. I wake up, slip on brown shorts and a blue shirt, eat Generic Cereal #3 for breakfast, slap a black hat with a skull on my short brown hair, strap on my dark green back-pack, and head out the door. In my opinion it was lucky that I only lived a mile away from school, cuz that meant I got to walk. I?ve never been good at sports, and I?m not the strongest guy in the world, but I could walk across the country and not even get tired.

Despite falling asleep at 10:30 every night, I somehow always managed to wake up between 4:30 and 5:00. This was cool, though, because my friends and I liked to hang out in the cafeteria before school, depending on whether or not they all showed up early enough or not. I was always the second one there. The first one was always Kiala. As I entered the school I cautiously looked around. Every day it was the same thing, and despite the fact that she?d done this every day for over three years, I was still caught by surprise most of the time. I slowly slinked through the halls, greeting the teachers who were busily bustling about. I made my way to the stairwell and scurried to the third floor. Our school was huge because it was an elementary, middle and high school all in one. As I passed through the hall I could see all the places she had gotten me before. She would never come from the same place twice, oh no, she was far too creative for that. I finally reached my homeroom. The door was already open, as Mr. Guthrie always showed up early and left it open for me. I peered inside and looked around. She was nowhere to be found. Could it be that she wasn?t here? Could it be that she was home sick? No, that couldn?t have possibly been it. In the four years that she and her sister had lived here, she had never missed a day of school. She had to be there, I thought, perhaps I had passed her and she hadn?t noticed me. I could remember once or twice when her trap didn?t spring in time. Cautiously, I began walking in, my eyes bolting from the closet, to the teacher?s desk, heck; I was ready for her to drop from the ceiling. I slowly made my way in and began to feel relieved. I guess I had missed her. Then I heard it. Her blood-curdling battle cry.

?Banzai!? I whipped around and saw that she was perched on the door. She leaped down and tackled me then wrapped her arms around me. ?I got ya!? She got up and I immediately sprang to my feet.

?How did you get up there?!? Kiala just smiled at me.

?You always ask such silly questions! A magician never reveals her secrets!? she said, winking. I raised an eyebrow to that.

?So it?s magician now, eh? I liked it more last week when you were a pirate, or when you were a ninja that time.?

?Argh, ye scurvy lad! Dun ye be insulting them magicians!? I couldn?t help but laugh a bit. How it was possible for so much energy to be trapped inside one girl was beyond me. Even more wondrous is that someone so happy wore black jeans, a black shirt, and a black jacket every single day. Even her hair was black! But when you see her smile through that long thick hair, she seems to glow a purifying golden.

?So, what time is it, Tickle?? Tickle was her nickname for me. If anyone else were to call me that I?d get upset, but it sounded so cute coming from her. I remembered when she first started calling me that in sixth grade. Some other kids made fun of me and I tried to beat them up but they outnumbered me until Kiala?s sister came and stomped them all. I took a look at my watch.

?We have fifteen minutes before the warning bell??

?Fifteen?! We won?t make it to the cafeteria in time to see Bizz or sis!? She quickly grabbed my arm and dragged me down to the cafeteria where the other early birds were getting their worms. I took a seat at one of the center tables and said hi to some kids who passed by. Kiala sat across from me and immediately began forking pancakes into her mouth.

?You know, if you went strait to breakfast instead of jumping on me everyday, you?d get here early enough to enjoy your food.?

?Your fault for getting there so late!?

?Whatever? just don?t forget to chew?? ironically enough, the moment I said to chew, she started choking.

?You okay? Hold your arm up! Drink your milk!? She immediately flung her left arm into he air and began chugging down her milk, but it wasn?t working. I ran over behind her, wrapped my arms around her and began using the Heimlich maneuver. The waffle dislodged itself and she coughed it onto her plate then immediately spun around and kissed me. All the kids saw this and looked surprised, but I was used to it.

?You saved me! I owe you my life captain!?

?At ease, soldier. Just chew your food better from now on.?

?Yessir!? She replied, trying to make a strait face. We both laughed and sat down and Kiala finished her breakfast just as Johnny walked into the cafeteria. He plopped down right next to me.

?Why hello there, Tickle!? he said with a smirk.

?Well, well, if it isn?t BS. I think I told you not to call me that.? Johnny, or BS as I liked to call him, is a total smart aleck. I mean, he?s got a lot of brainpower, but he is a total jerk. You know, one of those guys who just think he?s really something? I can never help but wonder what people like him do all day. It?s as if they exist for the sheer purpose of annoying people.

?Hey, Bizz!? Kiala gleefully greeted him. Back when I first started calling him BS she asked why I nicknamed him Bizz. I explained it to her and she said it was mean and that she?d call him Bizz.

?Hey there, Kiala. So, what did I miss? You guys making out, probably.?

?Why you,? I began.

?You?ve got some lipstick on your mouth. Either she kissed you or you?re a transvestite.?

?Tickle saved me!? Kiala blurted out.

?So? she can call you Tickle and I can?t? She must be really special to you.? I knew what he was trying to do. He wanted me to admit that I loved her or get mad and say she wasn?t special, which would make her cry. I looked for a snappy comeback.

?Kiala can call me whatever she wants. Otherwise her sister would beat my up,? I said jokingly.

?Your afraid of Mina? I could take her on!? Poor, poor Johnny. He had said exactly the wrong thing at even more of the wrong time, as the moment those words escaped his mouth, Mina along with her friends Kait and Jin, stepped into the cafeteria.

?Well, well, well. I came in early to tell Kiala she forgot her lunch money and next thing I know a fight has broken out,? she said, walking in our direction. She handed Kiala a couple dollars, which made her smile widely, and walked up to BS.

?Mina, do you have to beat him up? I just loath violence!? Kait began, ?BS, just apologize!?

?What am I apologizing for? I was only stating my opinion,? BS replied.

?You poor, dumb, idiot,? Jin said shaking his head. Mina looked over at Kait whose face pleaded that she not hit him.

?Get down.? Mina snapped at BS, ?Get down and bark like a dog and I?ll spare you.?

?No,? BS replied bluntly. Mina slammed her fist on the table and it cracked a little.

?Get. Down.? Now, if there?s one thing I can admire about people like BS, it?s that they fear almost absolutely nothing.

?Never,? BS replied. Now? what inspires a person to tick off someone who is older than you and could easily throw you through a wall was entirely beyond me entirely, but BS was willing to take the chance. Mina lifted him up by the neck of his shirt. He didn?t show any hint of fear? he just glared at her. She got ready to punch him when the bell rang. BS smiled as she put him down and he walked away grinning. Almost as if changing into a different person, Mina?s evil scowl turned to a friendly smile as she turned towards Kiala and me. Mina was about my height, but fifteen years old. She wore a white shirt and brown skirt and had long dark brown hair. She looked Asian because of her skin tone. The only word I could think of to describe her simply is hot.

?Sis!? Kiala yelled and ran over to hug her. She stretched one of the dollars out in front of her face. ?Thanks for the money!?

?Yeah, yeah, just get to class,? Mina retorted. Kiala rushed to the door, quickly hugging Jin and Kait before heading for the stairs.

?Seeya? Tickle,? Mina said and left, followed by Jin and Kait. As I left the cafeteria I couldn?t help but wonder where my little sister was. My sister, Beatrix, was in eighth grade. Normally she?d show up at the end of breakfast complaining that I walk to fast and she couldn?t keep up. There was no time to wait for her now, though, so I briskly made my way to homeroom. I sat in my desk on the far end of the classroom and started unloading my backpack. At the desk next to me was my friend Lloyd. Lloyd was shy and very timid, but I had accepted him as a friend so he followed me around a lot.

?What?s up, Lloyd??

?Huh? Oh? not much I guess??

?Oh? that?s, uh, cool.? There was a long silence before Mr. Guthrie showed up.

?Alright class, open your books to page 273 and read through 275.? I heard some of the students grumble and sigh as they flipped through the pages. After a bit there was a knock on the door and Mr. Guthrie went over and started talking to one of the guidance Counselors. I looked over and saw a kid standing with her. Mr. Guthrie closed the door and the kid walked into the classroom behind him.

?Class, we have a new student today. His name is Joshua. Unless there?s something else you want to be called.?

?My friends called me Ragnarok,? he replied. Ragnarok was rather short and wore a short sleeve button up shirt over a white tee and brown shorts. His hair was shaggy and brown and went down to his shoulders.

?Have a seat right there, in front of Tical? Mr. Guthrie said, pointing in my direction. He sat at the desk in front of me and Mr. Guthrie gave hi a book along with instructions. Mr. Guthrie then took a seat at his desk across the room. I leaned forward and whispered to Ragnarok.

?What?s up, man??

?Not much.?

Where you from??

?Far away.?

?Oh really? I took a trip to far away once. Good place, beautiful beaches.? I could see Lloyd giggling out of the corner of my eye.

?Very funny.?

?So? what do you do??

?Why so many questions??

? I thought I?d get to know you.?

?I feel like I?m being interrogated.?

?Sorry, if you want I won?t bother you.?

?You?ve got a lot of good friends, don?t you??

?What? How did you-??

?That?s what I do? At that time Mr. Guthrie noticed we were talking.

?Tical, you can talk to the new kid at lunch? I waited a few seconds before speaking.

?How about it?? I asked. Ragnarok gave me a thumbs-up and we got back to work. A half-hour later the bell rang and Lloyd followed me to our second period class where Kiala was waiting.

?Hey Lloyd!? she called and hugged him. Lloyd blushed so hard his entire body turned red and he almost fainted.

?Hey Tickle!? she said, hugging me as well. The three of us stepped into the room and chose our seats. Kiala made it a point not to sit next to me so she wouldn?t talk in class. I took a seat in the back of class and Lloyd sat across from me. When you don?t have many friends, you tend to attach yourself to the one?s you?ve got. Of course, Lloyd wasn?t the kind of person who talks in class either. That?s where BS comes in hand. Him and me would sit in the back of the class whispering and passing notes on what happened on TV last night and the video games we were playing. Now, I?m not a TV-holic, but there are certain shows I just cannot miss. As for games, him and me would play a lot of tactical games and compare strategies and characters. After class was lunch. Lloyd, Kiala, BS and I traveled in a group down to the cafeteria. Lloyd had brought his lunch and sat at the table we?d be using. The rest of us piled into the line and waited. I noticed that Ragnarok was at the front of the line. He paid for his food and sat over next to Lloyd. I was amazed at how fast he was able to pick up on things. Kiala, BS, and I sat down after buying our lunch and all of us immediately turned our attention to the new guy.

?Hi! I?m Kiala! What?s your name? What do you do? Will you be my friend??

?Heh, you?re a cute one. Kiala, was it? Well, my name is Ragnarok, I like to? well, I?ll get to that later, sure I?ll be your friend.?

?Yay!? Kiala cheered.

?Well, Ragnarok looks like your officially part of the gang. The name?s Johnny. I?m basically the smart one of the group.?

?Correction. This is BS. He?s basically the smart-.?

?I know what your going to say,? BS interrupted, ?it ain?t funny.? Ragnarok laughed a little.

?Don?t worry, I think I can figure things out. Lloyd here is the quiet one, Tical is the cool one, Johnny is the, well, ?smart? one, and Kiala is the cute one. But I?m willing to bet there are a lot more people in your little group.?

?That?s right! There?s my big sis, Mina and Kait and Jin and BP and, um, well that?s all the people I know who go to this school. But my big, big brother, Sol, is living on his own.? I couldn?t have summed it up better myself? I think.

?Well, I guess I?ll have to meet everyone soon then. Um? you guys might wanna eat before the bell rings.? Ragnarok?s words must have had some strange power which took hold of us and practically forced us to do as he said, as after that everyone grew silent and chugged down their food, somehow all managing to finish just as the bell rang. It was as if Ragnarok had us eat so that he could escape being questioned any further. There was something weird about that guy, I just couldn?t quite put my finger on it.

None of my close friends were in my third period class, but my other friend, Lummy, was in there. Lummy was a really serious dude when it comes to school, but our class was a group working one so we got to talk some. When I had a problem I didn?t know how to deal with, the first person I?d ask would be Lummy. Also in that class was Tigera. Tigera was a bit less serious and didn?t input into most of our conversations unless it had something to do with fighting. Tigera was a pretty powerful guy and I?d seen him take down twelfth graders before. Around halfway through class I asked Lummy about Ragnarok.

?Hey, Lum, there?s this new kid in some of my classes, he calls himself Ragnarok. Anyway, he?s really weird.?

?How so??

?Well? everything he says it?s like he planned to say it, and everything that we say to him it seems like he knew we were going to say. It?s like he can read minds or see the future or something. He has only given us his name and that he wants to be our friend, but every time we ask him what he likes to do, he finds some way of getting around it without us even noticing.

?Interesting. I think I?d like to have a talk with this Ragnarok fellow myself.?

?So? you can?t give me advice??

?Sorry, I don?t pass judgment on someone unless I meet them first.? The rest of the class period seemed to go by rather quickly, as did English 4th period with Lloyd. Finally, school was coming to an end as the dismissal bell rang. I made my way out to the school courtyard, Lloyd close behind, when I noticed that a ring of kids had amassed in the center. It sounded like a fight was going on. I pushed my way through the crowd and noticed that Jin was getting beat up by a twelfth grader.

?Jin!? I called and jumped in, punching the big guy in the face. I then grabbed Jin and pulled him to the side.

?You alright, man??

?Yeah, huff, I?m fine? he caught me by surprise.? I could hear the bully coming from behind me and I quickly jumped out of the way. At that time, Kait made her way to the center of the crowd.

?You jerk!? She yelled at the bully, ?what are you doing? What did he do to you??

?Little punk called me an idiot for cussing to much! He was begging for a beating!? he said and kicked Jin.

?Stop it!? Kait yelled, her eyes full of tears. ?If you?re going to hit someone, hit me instead!?

?Your askin? for it!?

?Kait? please? stay out of it,? Jin pleaded. Suddenly there was a bellowing laughter from the crowd. Everyone looked over to see BS step into the ring.

?So, ya like to pick on kids smaller than you, eh tough guy? Ha! You probably couldn?t last a minute against a guy like me!?

?Why you little!? The bully charged at BS and punched but missed horribly. If there was one thing BS was especially good at it was ticking people off, and he had the skills to back it up.

?Lloyd!? I called, ?Go get Mina! Her and Kiala will be on the far side of the building!? Sometimes I wished that Mina hadn?t gotten her driver?s license early because she always drove Kiala home instead of the two of them riding the bus with us. (Her car was only a two-seater so we couldn?t all fit.) Lloyd ran off while BS was distracting the bully. I looked over and noticed that Ragnarok was watching from the crowd with a weird grin on his face. I couldn?t help but wonder what he was doing. There was a loud smack as the bully finally hit BS in the face, sending him sprawling back. I quickly jumped at the bully and kicked him in the side. The guy recoiled and spun around then kicked me in the stomach. I tumbled back and landed on Jin. Suddenly there was a loud, vicious yell from someone outside the crowd. Everyone parted as Mina came dashing in and clocked the bully in the face. The guy didn?t even have time to mend to his wound because Mina had delivered another punch to his gut almost instantly. As he stumbled back she slid behind him and kicked him in the back, planting his face on the ground.

?You don?t mess with my friends, or I will tear you to pieces, you got that??

?You?y-you!? Mina kicked him in the side and he rolled across the ground a few times then sprang to his feet and ran away. Mina walked over to Jin who was being helped up by Kait.

?You alright, Jin?? Mina asked?

?Yeah? I think I?ll be fine? Tical, though.?

?I?will be? okay.? I said, rising to my feet. I shook my head and touched my hand to my stomach. ?Ouch.?

?Oh, sure, don?t worry about me,? BS said, Lloyd helping him to his feet.

?See ya,? Mina said and headed back to the other side. The rest of us made our way to the bus and started our ride home. I always rode the bus in the afternoon because then we could get off and go strait to our hangout. Our group always sat in the front of the bus, myself and Lloyd occupying the third seat on the left, BS across from us (the only one with his own seat), and Kait paired with Jin in the second seat on the right. I was shocked to find that Ragnarok also rode our bus. He sat himself down next to BS.

?I didn?t know you were in our neighborhood!? I said surprised, ?Where?s your house??

?From yours, three across two streets down.? I wondered how he could have figured that out so fast, but I wasn?t worried about it for now.

?Whaddya say you get off at our stop? We could show you our hangout!? I asked.

?Sure, sounds cool enough.? The bus driver already knew where to drop us off. He had designated a specific spot just for us. We got off the bus at the neighborhood park. The park consisted of a large grass area about the size of a football field, a sanded play area for the little kids, and a paved area for skateboarding. Surrounding the park was a moderately dense woods area. A good fifteen feet into the woods war our hangout. You see, there was a stream that basically cut the forest in half, it was a good ten feet wide and five deep. Because no one was really meant to be in the forest, there was no way across. In one spot, near the center of the woods, the stream formed a ring around a small area, about twenty feet in diameter on all sides. We called this one tree island simple, ?The Hangout?. BS and I had built a bridge out of logs out that crossed to it around six years ago when we were only kids. Since then the hangout had been populated with all kinds of junk we had found on the sides of the street growing up. Banged up old chairs, tables, and the like. No one could really be sure what drew us all to this place so much, but every day we came out here to talk, play games, and snack. We led Ragnarok across the bridge and he smiled as he looked around at the little place we could all call home. I showed him the real treasure of The Hangout as well. Inside of a rotted out cabinet we had found was a whole bunch of snacks, from chip bags to cream-filled treats. BS quickly plopped himself down in the lawn chair, whereas Kait and Jin shared the loveseat. Many a couple had rested in that seat, but this one had lasted the longest. Lloyd found his way to the rolling computer chair. Ragnarok began observing the tree.

?Hm? there?s a lot of stuff carved into this tree.? Now, if there was one thing I couldn?t understand about this tree it was the carvings. Ever since we found this place there had been these strange engravings in the tree that no one could figure out the meaning of. ?I see you?ve all etched your named into the bottom.? I slapped my forehead.

?Of course! The initiation! It?s been two years since we did that! Here,? I handed him a razor that was hidden in the cabinet. ?Carve your name into the bottom.? Smiling, he put his name in next to the others.

?Johnny, Tical, Beatrix, Kait, Jin, Kiala, Mina, Lloyd, and now Ragnarok,? he read. ?Say? whose Beatrix??

?Oh, that?s my sister. She wasn?t at school today, probably sick.?

?Big brother!? I heard cried from afar.

?Speak of the devil,? BS mumbled. Beatrix came running right up to me and stopped suddenly, her eyes fixed on Ragnarok.

?Hi? Do I know you??

?You must be Beatrix, right? The name?s Joshua, nice to meat you, my friends call me Ragnarok.?

?Well hey there, Ragnarok, my friends call me BP!? As if just to complete the scene, Kiala and Mina arrived just at that moment. It was strange, too, because Mina usually only came on weekends, but here she was on a Wednesday.

?Hey everybody!? Kiala shouted and went through her usual routine of hugging everyone, including Ragnarok. ?Where were you all day, lil sis?? Mina and BP had assumed the position of sisters, as they were almost exactly alike.

?Hey big sis! I was sick today, but I feel better now!? Mina slowly walked over behind her sister.

?So, doing the whole initiation thing for the new guy?? She asked.

?His name is Ragnarok!? Kiala said.

?I?ll call him what I want!? Mina replied. Kiala turned towards Ragnarok.

?Sorry about my big sister she can be real mean some times.? Ragnarok just smiled.

?That?s okay, I?m just glad you all came. Now I can tell you all at once. I know what the markings on the tree say.? Everyone?s eyes lit up, even Kait and Jin who were busy kissing.

?Nice try bud,? BS started, ?but I?ve been trying to decipher that tree for six years and I have never even come close. It doesn?t match any language on Earth.?

?? The word Ragnarok is a word that means the end of the world in Norse Mythology. One of the earliest published Norse Mythology books was called Dimensional Trigger, a book which described the tale of a group of warriors who stopped Ragnarok from happening by using an ancient warp gate between dimensions to find a bunch of artifacts and stop the end of the world. Back then; the story wasn?t as clichéd as it would be considered now, as there was not much literature at the time. History had recorded it as the first tale of how the world would end because in the end the characters fail and the world is destroyed. Unfortunately the end of the book was lost and no one knows how it truly ended. As for those markings? the same ones appear on the dimensional gate which the heroes used to find the artifacts.? Everyone was just sort of staring at him in a bit of shock and disbelief, wondering how he knew all of that. BS was the first to speak.

?Right, nice try new guy, but we aren?t stupid.?

?Believe what you will, I have awaited this day, and now that my name has been engraved into the tree, I can finally embrace my destiny!? Ragnarok then suddenly slit his thumb with the razor and smeared his blood across the carvings. Everyone was stunned as he pressed his hands into a series of symbols and then slammed them against the tree. There was a sudden burst of blinding light and all went dark.

[Guest kuroinuyoukai]

Well I liked your story but I noticed that you didn't give many descriptions of your characters. It was hard for me to visualize them. I thought it was well written and I thought that the story flowed well. Try using more descriptions next time. Describe your characters. Some of them had no description except maybe that they were large.