Writing Beyond the Light Vol 1 [PG]

[lilkid]

I am new at this so bare with me and tell me what i do wrong so here it is.


Place a boy in a city called Tokyo
His name is Mokou

[SIZE=2]Beyond the light volume 1[/SIZE]


[introduction]
The boy has been waking up 2 am every night, he has been hearing sreams while he sleeps and can't explain it.

When he wakes up he has blood all over his arms one day.

"Oh my god, what did i do!!" said Mokou

His mom wakes up

"What is it Mokou?" said mom

"I am covered in blood!!" said Mokou

"Oh my get up and lets go to the hopital" said mom

"Okay i will get my jacket" said Mokou

They get in the car and drive to the hospital in panic.
They drive in the hospital and run to the emergancy room.

"Whats the matter" said The Worker

"My son is covered in blood" said mom

"Oh my i will get the docter" said The Worker

The docter comes

"What is it?" said the docter

"My son is covered in blood can't you see" said mom

"Mom i have to take off my jacket" I am new at this so bare with me and tell me what i do wrong so here it is.

"You have no cuts do you?" asked the docter

" No i don't and i can't explain i, can you? asked Mokou

"Let me see if its yours, let me take some of your blood and some
off your shirt." Said the docter

"Okay" said Mokou

The docter takes the blood and go tests it and Mokou and his mom go home.

To be Continuted

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Arial][size=2]First of all, you need to go and read the [u][url="http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313"]OB Anthology Basics[/url][/u]. It details the rules for OB Anthology, particularly the one about [i]rating[/i] a thread. Every thread in OB Anthology [b]must[/b] be rated for maturity. Any thread that is not rated will be closed.

That said, on to the review!

Considering you're new at this, it's not a bad effort. Just a couple of things: [/size][/font]

[quote]

"Mom i have to take off my jacket" I am new at this so bare with me and tell me what i do wrong so here it is.[/quote]
[font=Arial][size=2]An accidental copy and paste, I think?

The other thing is that you have lots of dialogue -- but not much description. There's a basic rule that every writer I've met preaches: [i]Show, not tell.[/i] Instead of [i]telling[/i] us that the boy has been waking up every night, show us. You could say something like: [i]Mokou woke up, sweat drenching his face. He could swear that he'd heard screams, but now that he was awake, there was silence. He checked the time; 2am. Still hours till dawn. [/i]Then you can go on to describe his realisation that he has blood all over his arms. ^_^

It's very easy to include more description. If you mention his Mum, tell us something about her appearance or personality; [i]Mokou's mother was a kind and interesting woman. She had many tales from when she was younger, and all of them involved some sort of mischeif. [/i]Or something like that. Is his mother nice, mean, short, tall, fat, skinny, quiet, loud? These sort of things are very helpful to our impression of them. If you mention the doctor, describe them; male, female? What are they wearing? When you mention Mokou's shirt, you can talk about what colour it is.

The only other thing is basic punctuation. You just need to pay more attention to closing inverted commas, etc, in order to make it easier to read. ^_^

But otherwise, it's a good effort and I with practice I'm sure you'll get better and better and better.
[/size][/font]

[lilkid]

Thank you, and ya copy and paste problem