Writing When Robots Attack... [M -- Some V, S]

[Guest adimio]

Hey, this is a story about these robots turning on humans, then enslaving them, then realising that maybe robots have feelings too (or something like that, haven't got to that bit yet). [B]Rated R[/B]
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[i][u]Chapter 1 - "Houston, we have a problem"[/u][/i]

Bill was cleaning up that night in the lab, when suddenly he saw a bright light pour into the corridor.
He'd being coping with his divorce from his wife (Albert), feeling down, and not caring much about what happened. So this cleaner didn't really care about this sort of strange occurence.
"Damn....wonder what that is."
As he peered round the corner, he saw this naked female robot, with wires coming out of it's arse and face, flapping around. This of course, scared the crap out of Bill.
Before he had time to run to the toilet and empty his bowels, one of the wires grabbed him, pulling him closer to the robot. This of course, made him crap his pants (and be sick everywhere).
"Damn...isn't this ironic? I'm supposed to be the cleaner, but I've already crapped myself, and projectile vomitted in your face."
The robot talked.
"Shut up."
Bill was shocked.
"What?"
The robot replied.
"Shut up, you dumb cleaner. If your job means anything to you at all."
"Well, not really..."
At that point, the female robot shoved the wires up Bill's arse and face, sending him into a state of paralysis.
"Shiiiiiiiiit...."
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[2010DigitalBoy]

Wow. That was one hundred percent entirely stupid. Okay, so some random janitor gets randomly attacked by a pointlessly naked robot chick with wires coming out of her ass, and all he can think to say is "isn't this ironic? Im supposed to be the cleaner but Ive already crapped myself and projectile vomited in your face". I don't know if any of this was meant to be funny, but it wasn't. It was just stupid.

[Guest adimio]

Darn, scolded by the critics.
Yep, it was supposed to be mildy amusing, but it's obviously gone way over your head.

[Dragon Warrior]

Heh, I'll give some constructive critisism. I may agree with Nomad that this story is a little shotty, but it can be improved. Firstly, I know what it's like to make random humor stories. I do it all the time. But whether people know it or not, there's a trick to the "Art Of Randomness." You have to counteract it with a dash of serious, otherwise it's so random that it's no longer entertaining, funny, or interesting. It can even be a bit hard to read.

In your case, it's trying so hard to use the randomness for comedy sake that it completely loses its effect. You're also going in a very bad direction. You're using high immaturity for your humor, which doesn't tend to fly with many more aged readers, even the teens here on OB. A whole paragraph dedicated to the description of how Bill had to use the facilities, but couldn't and ended up messing himself won't be funny to most. Those are the kind of stories you make with your friends because they [i]will[/i] find it funny. If you do end up using some profanity like this, use it in small, more mature doses. Of course, you can't be completely mature with it.

You have all these ideas to make things humorous, but they're not getting you anywhere. For one thing, you need to expand on the ideas more. This chapter is hardly a page in Microsoft Word. Make your chapters longer and to do so, use lots of more description. Explaining things with a humorous manner can make the story much more enjoyable and funny (as long as you avoid being too random, as I said). The naked robot chick with wires in her arse and face could be funny with more to it, but not just on its on. To me, she's just some naked robot with wires in her parts.

One part did make me smile. The robot says, "Shut up, you dumb cleaner, if your job means anything to you at all," and the janitor replies, "Not really." That's excellent humor right there. It's the best kind when you make fun of puns and old phrases. Lines like "Shut up if your life means anything to you" can be easily twisted around for comedy like you did. Keep at that kind of stuff more often.

It's not so much things have gone way over Nomad's head. It's just that its such immature and low-graded comedy without the good stuff in the mix that people simply don't find it that funny. You have a plot idea, now extend on it. This chapter could have been so much more. The janitor part could've only been the introduction and then we'd get more of the plot as the chapter went on. Right now this isn't anything to read. Work on your comedy, on your grammar a bit (which isn't too bad in the first place), and remember on the forums, add a space between your paragraphs, so it doesn't look like a bunched up mess.

I'd like to see you rewrite this story with a new first chapter using some of the tips I've given you. Extend the story, space your paragraphs, use random humor as long as its evened out with the serious plot, tell more of the plot, use description, and keep at that comedy-style of puns and phrases. Good luck :)

[sakurasuka]

[QUOTE=adimio]Darn, scolded by the critics.
Yep, it was supposed to be mildy amusing, but it's obviously gone way over your head.[/QUOTE]

[size=1]It didn't go over his head, it just wasn't funny. Sorry, but it wasn't even mildly amusing.

Edit- Hah, DW posted before me. *Laughs*

Dunno, I guess this story could be salvaged... But as it is, it's a whole lot of nothing.[/size]

[Guest adimio]

[QUOTE]It didn't go over his head, it just wasn't funny. Sorry, but it wasn't even mildly amusing.

Edit- Hah, DW posted before me. *Laughs*

Dunno, I guess this story could be salvaged... But as it is, it's a whole lot of nothing
[/QUOTE]

Psh. Thanks, but I don't know if I can believe that if you're already taking a U-turn the second someone says something different to you. :rolleyes:

[QUOTE]I'd like to see you rewrite this story with a new first chapter using some of the tips I've given you. Extend the story, space your paragraphs, use random humor as long as its evened out with the serious plot, tell more of the plot, use description, and keep at that comedy-style of puns and phrases. Good luck
[/QUOTE]

Thanks for taking the time to properly critique it DW.
At first I was a bit annoyed at what you said, but it's true that only me and my friends would find it immediately funny. I'll need to construct it better before it's accessible to others. Cheers. :cool: