Writing Confession of Transformation (Pg)

[Noir_vagabond]

Liars are trying to tell the truth behind their facade.
Thinking they can conform themselves into something better than what they are.
I am who I say I am and nothing more I shall be.
I care not how others feel.
I care not how they try.
I need not change my tactics
I need not become a lie.
The Echelon is my way
To win this fruitless war
And when the world changes
I shall become something more
For I said and I shall say again
I will not change myself for them.
For I once was a fake image..I was a fool locked inside.
I became a memory, a joker in a poker game of denial.
Falling down into the bottemless pits of despair
I finally hit the bottem
I thought it could not get worse then here
Until I was staring at myself through an empty vodka bottle
I saw a reflection of a liar
Trying to be something she's not
Finally confessing her hatred
Unravling her spiral of thoughts
Giving in to the wake of depression
I found some truth
I gave a simple confession
To transform myself for no other.
To become an essence better than myself.
A purity of innocence once again living free
And when I am ready to die
I know my true self shall be waiting for me.

[Lady Asphyxia]

[font=Arial][size=2]Perhaps it's just my tiredness or the worrying thought that I may have accidentally consumed some ant-killing pesticide, but I found that this was actually really hard to get into. Because this is so long, but without some sort of stanza structure, I get lost in the middle and I just sort of zone out. I had to read this twice, because the first time I finished the poem and thought, "What did I just read?" I'd really suggest thinking about stanzas in future; not only can they break the poem up so that it looks more poem-like, but it also gives you the opportunity to have not one but [i]several[/i] last-line-like punches -- you can have a last-line-punch at the end of each stanza.

When I look at this again, I feel like I'm lacking the substance here. If I look at the title, [i]Confession of Transformation[/i], and read the poem, then I can see that it's about a person who used to be like the nameless [i]Them[/i] and learnt better and now is who she/he wants to be --

-- but then the last couple of lines just confuse everything for me. [/size][/font][font=Arial]
[i][size=2] And when I am ready to die
I know my true self shall be waiting for me.
[/size][/i][/font][size=2][font=Arial]The strength of the poem -- of surviving and changes yourself and realising your wrongs and being better for it and hitting rock bottom and clawing out of it -- just disappears in those lines for me. It's almost like you lost your focus. Are you writing that you've been through this and got better, or that teen-angst "I'll be better when I die" sort of thing?

That said, there is some good imagery here, and some really good lines. [i]A joker in a poker game of denial[/i] is one of my favourites, although where you've put it in the poem makes me think you didn't really realise what you were saying. While it sounds good, there's a lot more too it than that. Think about it: The character is a joker, which is cool for the imagery... but then there are no jokers used in poker. So that would say that the character is on the outside, different, not like anyone else. They aren't involved in the 'poker game' of denial. They've broken free. Fantastic metaphor.

Another really fantastic line is "staring at myself through an empty vodka bottle". The imagery is fantastic, and the line and rhythm just [i]work[/i].

A lot of the time your rhythm's a little out. It just isn't quite there. Changing a couple of words here and there -- "I needn't be a lie" instead of "I need not become a lie" will help the rhythm in the first part, for instance.

There is one thing I'm really not fond of: [i]
Falling down into the bottemless pits of despair
I finally hit the bottem
[/i]Ignoring the fact that you spelt bottom incorrectly [[img]http://otakuboards.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif[/img]], I don't like the idea of someone reaching the bottom of a bottomless pit. I think it's a little to meoldramatic, and the repetition of bottom isn't very inspiring, either. Even changing it to "Falling down the pits of despair/I finally hit the bottom" gives it a better rhythm and gets rid of the bottomless pit idea, which wasn't really necessary anyway.

And if you change small things to keep the rhythm tighter, the poem will benefit from it. "Unravelling her spiral of thoughts" can become "Unravelling her spiral thoughts", with very little deviation in impression. And a lot of the smaller words or uncontracted words make it feel a little formal, which may be what you-re going for --- just make sure that the beat and rhythm of the poem doesn't suffer for it. Formality is all good and well, and can be very effective...as long as the rest of the poem will work with it.
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[Noir_vagabond]

Hey I apperciate your critque.
You pointed out my flaws and what I can do to change them, while signaling out my strengths to balance the critque.
That is what all writers deserve whether the writing sucks or not.