Writing Revelation [PG-V, maybe super mild language]

[Claire]

[FONT=Arial]I've had the idea for this ever since I was in the fifth grade (2001, I think), and it's slowly been fleshing itself out over the years. I've had plenty of different attempts to write and rewrite it, but this is my best on yet. I haven't worked on it in a while, and I really only have this first part done enough to share. I hope any comments I might get will inspire me to continue working on it. =)

And thus, it begins:

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The phosphorescent stars white-washed an otherwise dark black night sky, casting serene light and ambience over the world below--even though the lit streetlamps made the sky harder to read. Cool November air circled around every moving object and collected close to the ground, the worn black sneakers that stepped lightly across the sidewalk kicking up the faint mist. The boy was alone and tired, his hands shoved into the pockets of a hooded navy track-jacket that was zipped halfway up. His blue eyes and smooth blond hair shone under the artificial light made by the street lamps, giving his skin a pale tone. A fleeting sigh escaped his colorless lips as he followed the sidewalk around the corner; the street sign had been blacked out by graffiti. This obviously wasn?t a very good place to be at night, but the boy was there nonetheless.
He had the appearance of a skinny boy of fifteen, but the eyes and demeanor of an adult cynic. He was very mature for his age; such that he was isolated from other teenagers in his school. He was the only sophomore who had a job at a coffeehouse, as far as he knew, which was both gratifying and lonesome. His friends each had different jobs that they were perfectly happy with, and even if they did want to work for Obscurities Coffeehouse, there wouldn?t be any open positions for them. There wouldn?t be any positions at any other Obscurities Coffeehouse, either; Mont Eneigé was the only city in the world with a single Obscurities building.
Mont Eneigé was also the only city in the country that had such fierce rivalries with its neighbor, Bay City. The cities were both very small and modern, but Mont Eneigé was much more sophisticated than Bay City. The former town was completely French in origin, with a history of giving the world talented artists, writers, musicians, and the like. However, Bay City had a poor school system and was overrun with bad neighborhoods and a few gangs who enjoyed playing rough with Mont Eneigé locals. No one in either town was sure what spurred the tension, but it was common knowledge that Bay City mostly carried it on.
The boy?s parents always warn him to be careful when walking to school, to work, and back to the safety of his home. The legal driving age of Mont Eneigé was sixteen, and the boy didn?t even have his permit yet, so he had to travel on foot to his every destination. This was especially dangerous, however, especially since Bay City tough guys like to wander over to Mont Eneigé and show their strength on the lover-not-fighter locals. In his past year of working for Obscurities and walking home at ten o?clock at night, he had never encountered a Bay City enemy, and he didn?t plan on ever meeting one.
He had long since tired of his nightly route from the coffeehouse, seeing the same black river every single night, the same sleeping houses with their windows still boarded up from the freak blizzard hurricane of the previous year. Seeing the plywood nailed over the windows reminded him of how terrible the storm was; the circulation of cold rain, snow, sleet, and heavy frigid winds had formed from the remains of Hurricane Frances, freezing over in the Georgia mountains, strengthening, and heading straight for Mont Eneigé and the neighboring cities. The weathermen on TV had all begged the residents to board up and evacuate?they were so nervous because nothing like this had ever happened before.
His mind wandered, thinking about the phenomenon. Forecasters predicted a storm with the force of Hurricane Camille that ravaged coastal areas several years ago. This tore huge rifts of fear in the hearts of everyone in Mont Eneigé; some overreacted and feared that the apocalypse was nearing. Someone with the National Hurricane Center came up with the term ?Cryocane? a list of alphabetical names, beginning with Amelia.
He was so busy thinking about Cryocane Amelia that he missed the next right turn into his home cul-de-sac of Appartenez Circle. He continued forward until he reached an alleyway, turning into it by mistake.
The realization that he was not in his neighborhood came with the light of a fire burning inside of a garbage can. He snapped back into reality, blinking, calculating where he went wrong inside his head. His eyes intent on the trash can blaze, they didn?t notice the shadows lurking toward him.
?Andrew Crystal,? said a deep, male voice. The boy glanced around, searching for the source?a tall blond boy in a Bay City High School shirt stepped into the light.
?How do you know my name?? Andrew wanted to know. The boy gestured to Andrew?s chest, and he looked down to see his employee name tag protruding from his jacket. His boss would climb down his back about forgetting to hang it up the next time he checked into work. Several other boys gathered around Andrew and the first boy, smirks on their unfamiliar faces.
?We don?t have an Obscurities Coffeehouse in Bay City.? the stranger said, inching forward. Andrew connected the boy?s almost smug attitude and the small mob surrounding him, and ended up with an unnerving solution to everything.
?Why is a BC gang loitering around here? It?s like you?re just asking for trouble.? Andrew knew that he was standing in the middle of what could be a vicious organization from the rival city, but he couldn?t show his anxiety. He figured the gang members were like dogs?they could smell fear on anybody.
Provoking them was probably not such a good idea, though.
?Picking off what we don?t want around. Lucky you.?
Andrew?s heartbeat fluttered, his muscles tensing. He heard the breathing of the gang behind him, and he realized that he had no chance to escape. How grim, he thought, Garrett: if my mental telepathy is working, come help me out.
?I have no attachment to Mont Eneigé, whatsoever, okay? I hate this stupid rivalry between our cities. Please, just let me go. I need to get home.? he tried to reason. It was apparent that the gang leader didn?t care for civility.
Someone grabbed him from behind, locking his arms around Andrew?s arms and hips and lifting him off the ground slightly. He couldn?t move his arms at all, which let a furtive spark of fear shock his face momentarily.
?Get ?im, Art.? said Andrew?s captor. The gang leader tightened his fist and lunged forward, sending it into his victim?s stomach. Andrew winced?it hurt mildly, but it was nothing serious. His mind was working on remembering various escape techniques that he was taught in Karate during the third grade.
Art punched again, hitting the same spot. The pain had lessened; Andrew almost laughed at the gang leader?s feeble strength.
The boy who was holding him wasn?t very smart to let his legs dangle; before Art could strike again, Andrew bent his knees and pushed against his captor?s hips. The boy let go of him and stumbled backwards, into a fellow gang member. Andrew landed on his knees, which hurt more than Art?s knuckles, and rolled to the side to stand up. Art wasn?t as slow as he had hoped, as the gang leader whirled to face Andrew and sent another punch, this time at the boy?s face.
Instinctively, Andrew yelped and threw his arms over his head to protect his skull. The gang had become angry, and they were all leaping on to him at once. The smell of sweat and body heat gave Andrew nausea, in addition to the pain of the random attacks he was receiving. He became dizzy before long, and he only wanted to pass out and play dead. His stomach bubbled and he felt something rise up within him?he was sure he was about to throw up.
Instead, there was a scintillating flash and a burst of heat, and Andrew?s hair stood on end. Suddenly, the whole gang was toppled over on the ground several feet away from him. The boy lowered his shielding arms and gasped, looking closely at everyone to make sure they weren?t unconscious. They were at least alive, and they were slowly collecting themselves, yelling to each other in worry and fear. Andrew heard the names Art, Jay, and Ryan a few times, so he made a mental note of them to report to authorities.
He stepped back, worried, unsure of what just occurred. However, as concerned as he was, the gang was hysterical.
?What the crap did you just do?? screamed one of them. Andrew couldn?t see any of them in the dark; he realized his vision was getting dim.
?Does he have a flamethrower? Who the crap carries a flamethrower!??
?Let?s get out of here!?
Andrew pressed himself against the wall, clutching his churning stomach and softening his breath. The gang was running from the alley wildly, calling for each other. Their frightened voices faded away, and he held his breath, listening closely to make sure that the gang hadn?t left one behind to finish the fight. After a short while, he was sure that he was the only one in the dark alley.
He edged against the wall, still holding his stomach as he walked out of the alley, and the light of the streetlamps illuminated him in the dark night. His house wasn?t too far, but he stumbled the whole way. His eyelids refused to remain wide open, and he was so nauseous he was afraid he would vomit on the side of the road. It hadn?t rained in a while, so this was the last thing he wanted to do. A splitting headache burst through his skull, nearly collapsing him on the sidewalk. Three more minutes of pained walking and he was finally at the front door to his two story house at the end of a cul-de-sac. He fumbled for his key in his jeans pocket, but found the door was unlocked before he found it.
Slightly bewildered, he stepped into the house cautiously.
?Mom?? he whispered, peering into the unlit living room. He glanced upstairs to see if his parents? bedroom light was on, but strangely, it was not.
Andrew pulled the door shut behind him and locked it, slowly making his way up the stairs. At the top, he squinted into the darkness that was his parents? bedroom, and found them both fast asleep. He felt he should let them have their rest, and he would deal with his problem in the morning. He decided to sit on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, in case the nausea became too severe. Within five minutes, he was fast asleep, leaning against the bathroom wall.

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So, like I said, I hope I'll get the inspiration to continue working on this. Oh, and I just realized that the cryocane shares my username. Silly me, it's not out of vanity (it's not even my real name), it was just the very first name that started with an A that I thought of. There's also a character in this story that shares my EXACT SAME alias (Amelia Julia Revenant). I guess I just really adore that name. =)[/FONT]

[2010DigitalBoy]

Hm, you know I really liked this. It was highly descriptive, which is nice, something I have a very hard time with. The entire thing was orchestrated very well, though the only minor thing that bugged me was the gangsters saying 'What the crap' XD. Other than that, very nice.

[Claire]

[quote name='? Nomad Tical ?']Hm, you know I really liked this. It was highly descriptive, which is nice, something I have a very hard time with. The entire thing was orchestrated very well, though the only minor thing that bugged me was the gangsters saying 'What the crap' XD. Other than that, very nice.[/quote]

[FONT=Arial]Yeaah, I'm really not comfortable with being any more profane than just "crap." I considered making it something like, "What the -- did you just DO?" or something, but ultimately abandoned the idea.

I'm glad the other two threads got deleted, though. What an embarrassing accident. xP;;[/FONT]