Manga what do you think of my manga story so far?

[NekoSama101]

On a scale of 1-10. Do you think I should continue, or start another one? And what should I name it?

Prefix

The school bell rang and Usagi?s tail twitched.
?Late again, damn I gotta get more sleep.?
She ran up the school steps and into her classroom
?Late again, Usagi, like always.? Her teacher said.
Usagi sighed and walked to the back of the classroom and sat down at the only empty desk. The teacher starts blabbing on and on about a complicated math problem and Usagi started to fall asleep. She woke up with a start at the sound of the teacher?s ruler hitting the desk.
?Usagi, you?ve got to quit falling asleep. That?s the 14th time this week. I would suggest you go to bad earlier.? Her teacher said
?Yeah, yeah, I?ve heard it all before,? She replied with a yawn and an ear twitch.
The teacher walked away and began blabbing again. Usagi stared in the general direction, trying not to fall asleep yet again. A few minutes later, the bell rang and Usagi walked slowly out the door to her next class. As she was opening her locker, her friend Kaede leaned up against the neighboring locker.
?Usagi, guess what??
?What??
?Haru asked me out!?
?Good for you,? Usagi replied with no emotion.
?What?s wrong with you??
?Nothing, I just haven?t gotten any sleep?
?You should get to bed earlier!?
?I know! But ?.I can?t?
?Why??
?Nothing.?
?Usagi Momoka! I am your best friend! If you can?t tell me, who can you tell??
?I just can?t ok?? Usagi slammed her locker shut and walked away form Kaede.
After school, Usagi walked to her home, a cheep apartment. Usagi sighed as she turned on the lights.
?Great. Home alone, like always.?
Usagi made a quick bowl a ramen and as soon as she sat down to eat it, a thumping noise come from the hallway.
?Can?t I eat one meal in peace??
She held her hands out and smoke surrounded her. Her clothes changed to an all black outfit. She had a tightly fitting shirt and a loose short shirt for maneuverability, Fishnet laced her legs and her feet were bare. In her hand rested a long samurai sword, waiting to be used.
She snuck out her apartment door and to the nearby corner and pressed her body against it. She carefully looked over the edge and there it stood. An evil spirit, a demon, stood right there tormenting a young child. Usagi waited until the demon had turned the corner and she jumped. She shoved her sword into its side. The spirit?s screams echoed trough out the hallway and she sliced off its head. Blood hit the floor and the little kid screamed.
?Now, now, it?s alright?? Usagi bent down to say but didn?t have a chance to finish before the girl ran away screaming ?Mommy!?
?This is the thanks I get for saving peoples lives every freakin? night,? she sighed. ?Sometimes I hate this job.? She walked away, out the apartment complex?s door and into the cold autumn night.

Chapter 1
The next day, Usagi walked to school alone, like always. The cold autumn breeze blew her long black hair and tail all around her. As she neared the school?s steps the bell rang as her black cat ears twitched at the sound and she sighed.
?Why even bother going to school today? I rather just fight spirits and sleep,? She said to herself and she turned away to start walking the way she came. Before she could start walking, her teacher stood right in front of her with a demon behind him, controlling his thoughts.
?And why are you skipping school young lady?? Her teacher asked.
?Because I don?t feel like going to school today. And don?t call me ?young lady?.?
?And now you?re back talking your teacher!?
?Excuse me! I gotta go, NOW!? she said as she ran around the corner.
From the safety of the corner, she then switched to her ninja costume and ran back out.
?Hey you there!? she yelled at the demon. ?Yeah, that?s right. I?m talkin? to you!?
The demon turned around and looked at her with a cold glare.
?Ooooo, I?m so scared!? she said sarcastically as she clenched her sword.
?Why you little?? The demon jumped for her.
She raised her sword and the demon jumped right into it. She started laughing hysterically but then remembered her teacher who had passed out from the mind control.
?Uh oh, he ain?t gonna be out for long. Better run!? She ran off in the direction at which she came.
When she reached her apartment, she found her best friend, Kaede there. ?You live here all alone?! There?s so much I don?t know about you!?
?Uh?yeah. So, why are you here?? Usagi asked.
?You honestly didn?t think that you were gonna skip school without me did you? I hanged out right outside of the school waiting for you. Then I saw you switch into that awesome ninja costume, which makes you look hot I must say, and beat the crap out of some thing I couldn?t see. I?m pretty sure it was a demon though. And then there??
?Wait a sec. Are you sure you saw me change into the ninja costume? You positive it wasn?t some other neko?? Usagi interrupted.
?Yep! It was you alright! So anyways, while you were changing back into your normal self, I snuck in here!?
?How did you know I lived here??
?School records! By the way, how come you never told me you was a ninja? That?s so cool!?
?I couldn?t. I didn?t want the demons to hurt you.?
?Aw that?s so sweet. Anyways, best friends aren?t supposed to have secrets! So I wanna hear your life story!?
?Ok then! You wanna hear the depressed story of my life?! About the time I was abandoned by the side of the road at 6? And how I taught myself how to use chakra and a sword so that I wouldn?t get beat up by random gangsters?!?
Kaede?s eyes started to water. ?That?s ?.that?s so sad! I can?t believe that all that happened to you and I had no idea! I?m sorry!? Kaede couldn?t finish for she had started to cry hysterically.
?Look, I didn?t mean to yell. It?s just, I hate talking about it, that?s al. I spend all my time fighting demons so that I can forget about it. I should have told you.?
Kaede stopped crying. ?Yeah, I guess you should have. But it?s all better now, I guess. That ninja thing is so cool! Can you teach me??
?I guess. It takes a long time though.?
?I don?t care! Anyways, I gotta get home before my mom gets pissed. Bye Usagi!? Kaede hugged Usagi and ran out the door with her long blond hair flying behind her.
That night, Usagi changed into her ninja costume and started jumping across the rooftops of the city.
?Here demon, where are you? I feel like kicking someone?s *** tonight!? She heard a loud noise and looked down from someone?s chimney, her tail hanging from the other end, twitching slightly. ?Ah, here we go!?
Below her was a tiny, pathetic demon swimming through an overflowing dumpster.
When it saw her, it said, ?Beware, for I am the dumpster demon! Fear my awful smelling wrath!?
?Okay then, this looks like a good one to kill for no reason at all.? She smiled to herself and gripped her sword. She jumped down and landed on the edge of the dumpster and plugged her nose. ?Ew! What crawled up your butt and died?? She asked the demon.
The demon looked confused and blinked. It then started running in circles like a dog chasing its tail. ?I don?t know! I can?t see it! What is it? Tell me!?
Usagi laughed and lost her balance on the dumpster and fell off. ?That is hilarious!?
The demon quickly got angry and doubled in size.
?Uh oh?? She said, watched the transformation with big eyes.

[Chikara Kokoro]

Just for pure lack of originality I have to give this a 2/10....

The names are recycled from other anime, and not just any old anime, popular anime, [i]really[/i] popular anime. Keep in mind that names from other languages other than Japanese can be, and more often then not are, extremely beautiful and interesting.

Try to come up with 5-10 reasons why this story must take place in Japan. If you can't find any reason other than "it's manga", don't have the story take place in Japan.

The personality of your main character has been used time and time again. Unless this is a parody, which I'm guessing it isn't, don?t use a high school girl who is constantly late to class as a character.

A cat girl fighting demons with a samurai sword in a tight ninja outfit does not bode well for creativity or tastefulness to me.

On the plus side, I do like how you described the elements and things that were happening around her. A good amount of description can translate very well into manga.

Sadly, I don't see anything new in this, and I'd suggest doing something completely different.

[Guest Ucalna]

[QUOTE=Chikara Kokoro]Just for pure lack of originality I have to give this a 2/10....

The names are recycled from other anime, and not just any old anime, popular anime, [i]really[/i] popular anime. Keep in mind that names from other languages other than Japanese can be, and more often then not are, extremely beautiful and interesting.

Try to come up with 5-10 reasons why this story must take place in Japan. If you can't find any reason other than "it's manga", don't have the story take place in Japan.

The personality of your main character has been used time and time again. Unless this is a parody, which I'm guessing it isn't, don?t use a high school girl who is constantly late to class as a character.

A cat girl fighting demons with a samurai sword in a tight ninja outfit does not bode well for creativity or tastefulness to me.

On the plus side, I do like how you described the elements and things that were happening around her. A good amount of description can translate very well into manga.

Sadly, I don't see anything new in this, and I'd suggest doing something completely different.[/QUOTE]


I think its like REALLY good, and im not just saying that to be nice since i dont even know you. Yes i agree with whoever wrote the message above me that lots of diferent stories have had the same plot but i like it, no matter how many times someone writes that kinda story it never gets old so you should keep it just add some more and post it again i want to know what happens next.

[NekoSama101]

yay! someone likes it! ^_^ anyways, i've never heard Usagi, Kaede, or Haru in any other anime, partly because the only, and i repeat, ONLY popular anime i watch is Naruto.
I'll post more next week.

[Chikara Kokoro]

[quote name='NekoSama101']anyways, i've never heard Usagi, Kaede, or Haru in any other anime, partly because the only, and i repeat, ONLY popular anime i watch is Naruto.[/quote]

Ah, I see. Just so you know, Usagi is the main character in Sailor Moon (who, I might add, has about the exact same personality as your Usagi), Kaede is a fairly important character in Inuyasha, and Haru (or Hatsuharu) is the ox of the zodiac in Fruits Basket. You might want to consider changing the names, but if you like them that's your business ^^;

Edit: I just wanted to know why it is you decided to name a cat girl "Bunny?"

[NekoSama101]

according to this website, Usagi means moon.

[Kei]

[color=darkblue][size=1]I do believe that it may be one of several words that have many translations in the Japanese language. Although, from what I've learned in my Japanese language class, "usagi" (oo-sah-gi) does, indeed mean "rabbit" and "tsuki" (sue-kee) means "moon." I think the translation may go back to the old folktale that told of a rabbit that was sent to the moon as punishment and was told to make rice cakes for children, if memory serves me correctly. (There's even a reference to the tale in a very early episode of Dragon Ball, heh.)

Although, if you think about it in terms of Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, her name being Usagi would make sense, taking into account her past and all.[/color][/size]

[NekoSama101]

well cats eat bunnies so that kinda makes sense too....i guess.

[Guest Mozilla]

I think your manga story sounds great ^_^, it's great to read stories from other people's imagination's ^_^. i too am writing a manga, i call it "soulmate", it's about a 17-year-old girl named natsuki who got dumped from her boyfriend, she isn't quite sure what went wrong in their relationship and has been so depressed since that day. her best friend hikaru tells her not to give up in finding a better guy, but natsuki is afraid of getting hurt again. later in the story natsuki goes to a fortune teller for help. the fortune teller tells natsuki of a test that she gives girl's to help them find their soulmate, but for a price. natsuki must give-up the life she once knew to find a guy that is suppose to be her soulmate. will natsuki accept the test? so what do think? does it sound good ?^_^, me and my best friend are putting it together, i can't wait to finish it ^_^.

[NekoSama101]

it sounds....complicated. but good.

[Guest shadowsfall]

I like the concept but i think maby you should draw up something to see exactly how it looks i like the sound of it just hope you can back it up with the art

[hitokiri battosai]

[QUOTE=Chikara Kokoro]Just for pure lack of originality I have to give this a 2/10....

The names are recycled from other anime, and not just any old anime, popular anime, [i]really[/i] popular anime. Keep in mind that names from other languages other than Japanese can be, and more often then not are, extremely beautiful and interesting.

Try to come up with 5-10 reasons why this story must take place in Japan. If you can't find any reason other than "it's manga", don't have the story take place in Japan.

The personality of your main character has been used time and time again. Unless this is a parody, which I'm guessing it isn't, don?t use a high school girl who is constantly late to class as a character.

A cat girl fighting demons with a samurai sword in a tight ninja outfit does not bode well for creativity or tastefulness to me.

On the plus side, I do like how you described the elements and things that were happening around her. A good amount of description can translate very well into manga.

Sadly, I don't see anything new in this, and I'd suggest doing something completely different.[/QUOTE]

I have to agree. The story is overused. It lacks originality. Try to use something besides a highschool student because they are used alot in anime. The whole concept is ok but try to think of something more creative.

[NekoSama101]

Well I'm working with someone who can actually draw anime really well. she agreed to a partnership. I work on the story and she works on the drawings. We both help eachother out. And i realize that high school students are a bit over used, but i couldn't think of anything else. Anyways, here's another chapter to my story (if you like it that is):
Chapter 2
The demon grew quickly before Usagi?s wide eyes and it was angry, very angry.
?Oh ****.? She said as she grabbed her sword.
?You lair! Nothing had died in my butt!? the demon said as it continued to grow.
?Uh?yeah, about that. You see, it was a complete misunderstanding and I uh?really was just trying to make sure that uh?. nothing had crawled up your *** and died. So you see, I?m really looking out for your best interests. ?
?Really?? it asked.
?No,? Usagi raised her sword while that demon?s defense was lowered and stabbed him in the heart. The demon quickly faded as a breeze came and took it away in a pile of ashes. All that was left was it?s blood stains on the dumpster.
Usagi sighed. ?That was close. I don?t think I?m gonna mess with ?dumpster demons? for a while,? she said to herself. ?I think I?m just gonna stick with cardboards demons. Now those guys are funny!? She laughed and jumped from rooftop to rooftop, back the way she came.
When she got back to her apartment, she saw a demon messing with an old lady.
?Poke?poke?poke? it said as it poked her, making her look for an invisible thing.
?Hey you! Didn?t your mama ever teach you to respect your elders?? Usagi asked to demon.
The demon stopped poking the old lady and looked at her.
?Yeah, yeah, I know. ?How can you see me?? I don?t know how, I just do. So, ya ready to fight?? she said to the demon.
?Anytime for you, baby!? it responded.
Usagi?s eyes got big. ?What is with the demons tonight?! I?m human! Well, I guess half human half cat, but that doesn?t matter! Why are you flirting with me?!?
?Because I?ve never seen a human so skilled!?
?AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH! That?s it, bring it on!?
?Ooooo, that feisty-ness, it?s so hot it?s sending shivers down my spine!?
?That?s not that only thing going down you spine!? Usagi grabbed her sword and slashed the demon?s back open. ?That?s for that poor old lady!? She cut its arm off. ?And that?s for flirting with meh! Now leave before I lose it and kill you!?
?Whoa, you?re so powerful with that sword! And how come you aren?t killing me??
?Because it takes power to kill you. I just used that up on that stupid dumpster demon.?
?A dumpster demon! Wow, you killed one of those? You are so hot right now! I?ll see you tomorrow!? The demon winked at her and flew off into the night sky.
Usagi sighed. ?This nightmare will never end will it? Oh well, at least he?s not that ugly like the last one who liked me. Ugh.? She shivered at the mere thought of it and turned to her apartment building.


I would also like any suggestions for a good title please! ^_^

[Waterbender]

[QUOTE=Chikara Kokoro]Just for pure lack of originality I have to give this a 2/10....

The names are recycled from other anime, and not just any old anime, popular anime, really popular anime. Keep in mind that names from other languages other than Japanese can be, and more often then not are, extremely beautiful and interesting.

Try to come up with 5-10 reasons why this story must take place in Japan. If you can't find any reason other than "it's manga", don't have the story take place in Japan.

The personality of your main character has been used time and time again. Unless this is a parody, which I'm guessing it isn't, don?t use a high school girl who is constantly late to class as a character.

A cat girl fighting demons with a samurai sword in a tight ninja outfit does not bode well for creativity or tastefulness to me.

On the plus side, I do like how you described the elements and things that were happening around her. A good amount of description can translate very well into manga.

Sadly, I don't see anything new in this, and I'd suggest doing something completely different.[/QUOTE]

Demons, are already done, the names have already been used. I do agree with your descritption about what goes on, but honestly, it's not very creative. This is what I do, try it:
First: Forget everything you have ever read or seen, or heard, anime, manga or not, do that
Now think of what amazing powers or abilities you can have. And to make the story go deeper, think of reasons why they have them.
Think of names that mean something. If you can't get names, ask for help. find someone who knows japanese, and turn a word into your characters name. Or use names that already exist in real life.
Now use the powers to come up with a plot.

But be sure you keep doing the first step at all times. Don;t think of anything else! Then it becomes uncreative. Even if you think your own ideas are cheesy, don't. Your own ideas are what will make it better.

That's my critism. Don't take it too hard. Follow my steps, and you'll be alright. If you make something new, I'll be happy to read it.