Coming out of the closet...any hints?

[shinji172]

Before I begin, some ground rules:
1) This is NOT a discussion on the morals of sexuality. If people start talking about religion, damnation or personal beliefs regarding sexuality I will ask that this thread be locked.
2) Everyones entitled to their own opinion. However, that is not to say you can post homophobic comments on the topic at hand. If you dont have anything helpful to say then just [B]dont post[/B].
3) If for some reason you want to give advice (but dont want to give advice on the thread), you can pm me. However, once again i ask that [B]no moral/religious beliefs be sent to me[/B]. you will be ignored and (if too offensive) reported to a moderator.

Right then lets get started. After lots of time and thought, ive come to the realisation im gay. I have told my brother (who was fine with it) and dont really have any concerns regarding the rest of the family. My problem is, should i tell my friends and, if so when?

Whilst i have known them for a number of years, I have very few friends and have no idea how they would react (its not as if we really discussed homosexuality in the past). To be frank, i am utterly clueless as to what to do. So i have to decided to ask the people on this board. Yes i know it seems odd to be telling a bunch of people ive never met my secret but I have my reasons (the main one being that no one on the boards really knows who i am).

So, In short, does anyone have any advice/experiences they would like to share? im open to any advice at this point (though i do ask that you follow the set rules of the thread).

[Kenshin DX]

So your question is how do you tell your friends your gay right? If thats the case then just tell them. If they dont approve or shun you for being diffrent than they are not your friends to begin with. Friends are their to offer support and accept you. if they cant accept you then you dont need them. Just be proud of who you are.

[Touchstone]

[FONT=Georgia]I recently came out about...wow, almost a year ago now, and making the decision to come out to my friends was the hardest I had to make. I knew I had this sense of guilt of deceiving from them something huge and important I was going through, but being in a Catholic school at the time I was scared of how everyone would react. So, this being me, I turned to my most trusted source of information; books. I researched and came across one book called [url=http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060951044/sr=8-4/qid=1145058677/ref=sr_1_4/103-4274494-3384625?%5Fencoding=UTF8]Free Your Mind[/url]. I went and ordered a copy from my local bookstore, and it was one of the best decisions I made. I read it all in a week, and learned so much. It really was that book and the support of my family that gave me the courage to come out to my friends, which was really hard to do. But once they got used to it, it wasn't much of an issue any more. I felt I really had to tell them though, because I was getting sick of the lie; pretending to like guys, not saying what I truly felt, being fake. Now I don't have to do that anymore. And the more I came out the more easier it go; it's amazing how many people I wanted to tell. And I never got a bad reaction from anyone, which I was really thankful about.

I hope that was helpful :animeswea Good luck![/FONT]

[Albert Flasher]

[FONT=Times New Roman][COLOR=Sienna]Wear a shirt saying 'Brokeback Mountain rules!' You're friends will draw their own conclusions.

Seriously though, the worst possible thing you can do is wait. Because once you start to wait it's going to build and build and build until it's one gigantic mess that consumes you and ruins your life. Best thing you can do is simply walk up to your friends, muster all the confidence you can, act natural, and say 'Hey there guys. Did I tell you I'm gay? Well, I am.' or something to that effect. Hopefyully they don't lynch you or anything, and your friends are idiots and it doesn't change anything.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[shinji172]

Thank you for the supportive info posted so far. Also,Touchstone, thanks for the book info. I will have to look into that. And thanks for sharing your experience (its encouraging).

I guess i should elaborate more. My main concern is that i dont want my friends to start thinking im attracted to them. I know this may seem farfetched but its stuck in my mind.

I should also mention that i go to an all boys catholic college. In other words, im worried that they will accidently spread the word around the school that im gay and that the wrong type of people (e.g. extreme christians, homophobes) will find out.

Yes they may seem farfetched but they are concern's non the less.

[Touchstone]

[QUOTE=Ziggy Stardust][FONT=Times New Roman][COLOR=Sienna]Wear a shirt saying 'Brokeback Mountain rules!' You're friends will draw their own conclusions.

Seriously though, the worst possible thing you can do is wait. Because once you start to wait it's going to build and build and build until it's one gigantic mess that consumes you and ruins your life. Best thing you can do is simply walk up to your friends, muster all the confidence you can, act natural, and say 'Hey there guys. Did I tell you I'm gay? Well, I am.' or something to that effect. Hopefyully they don't lynch you or anything, and your friends are idiots and it doesn't change anything.[/COLOR][/FONT][/QUOTE]

:laugh: That's a good idea; I made the mistake of taking things way too seriously. I had grown up having a gay grandfather STILL being married to my grandmother, and all of this was surrounded by secrets and rumors, so I was determined to launch myself into the world as some super lesbian activist or something. Yeah, I've lightened up a lot now. Sort of. :catgirl:

It is true that waiting is never a good idea; I waited a year, and it made me really depressed, making my life suffer as a result. I think the best thing you can do is keep a sense of humor about it. I've heard of other people using t-shirts or rainbow pride gear to come out. I like the shirt "Let's get something straight, I'm not." I think friends will eventually have to ask you, and it'll be on your own terms.

[Albert Flasher]

[FONT=Times New Roman][COLOR=Sienna]Well doesn't that complicate things... why do people in these situations always seem to go to a Catholic school? :animesigh :animesigh

That leaves you with two options if you don't want your friends to tell. First off, only tell the friends you trust most. Than, either ask them nicley not to spread any rumours, or threaten to feed them a brick wall.

As for the attraction thing, well, tell them you're not. Unless you think they'd be offended for some reason. Other than that I don't really know what you could do... tell them your gay but not gay in that way or some cop-out answer to deflect the question.[/COLOR][/FONT]

[Touchstone]

[QUOTE=shinji172]Thank you for the supportive info posted so far. Also,Touchstone, thanks for the book info. I will have to look into that. And thanks for sharing your experience (its encouraging).

I guess i should elaborate more. My main concern is that i dont want my friends to start thinking im attracted to them. I know this may seem farfetched but its stuck in my mind.

I should also mention that i go to an all boys catholic college. In other words, im worried that they will accidently spread the word around the school that im gay and that the wrong type of people (e.g. extreme christians, homophobes) will find out.

Yes they may seem farfetched but they are concern's non the less.[/QUOTE]

I went to an all girl's Catholic school last year, and that was my main concern too. I could tell it was on my friend's mind that I might be attracted to her, so in a rare moment of candor I confessed that I liked another girl in our art class. So that pretty much dispelled her worries, I think. I did make sure to tell people whom I knew I could trust not to spread a bunch of gossip around, so really only a handful of people knew in the school. I didn't want everyone hounding me with questions and become the token gay person at the school.

You always hear these horror stories about kids coming out, but I think times are changing. Most people don't care and say they also have gay friends, or that they knew all along and they're fine with it. I found I really worried too much. So I hope you have some good experiences:)

[shinji172]

[QUOTE]why do people in these situations always seem to go to a Catholic school? [/QUOTE]

Perhaps God has a sense of humor :animeswea ...I guess i could be taking this too seriosly. After all, i am the type of guy that pannics a lot. Thanks to everyone who posted. Im happy to know that theres people with sympathy here on the boards.This whole conversation has really calmed me down (well a little :animeswea ).

I do have one other small problem. [B]When[/B] do i tell them? I know that the sooner i say something the better but (as always) theres a complication...

We (the college students) have just started Easter vacation.

Now im beginning to wonder whether i should:
1) Tell them online or via a phone call.
2) Tell them the next time i meet them during vacation (potentially difficult due to the distance apart from each other)
3) Tell them at the start of the new college term.

On the one hand, the online way is faster. However, i dont feel that it would be fair to do that to them. In other words, i feel i should tell them face to face. However, im uncertain when i will next see them on vacation and im a bit nervous.

So now, my problem is whether to try to arrange a date during vacation to meet up and tell them (potentially difficult), or wait until the new term starts. The second coice gives more time to prepare but... I dont know... it seems unfair to just wait.

Any suggestions?

[Guest Metal Dragon]

Well... if your friends are your real friends then they shouldn't have any problem with it and in fact, they should support you. So the question is how to tell them? We'll just tell them, simple as that. Nothing special needed.

[Satoru]

I have a friend whos gay, and it was kinda casual how we found out because he just blurted out something about a boyfriend and we were like, your gay?
I'm sure your frineds really won't care if you bring it up, (unless they're homophobic or total idiots).

[The_Mix_Breed]

It's really a matter on who you trust and how much you trust them. If your unsure of their point of veiws, ask about it before saying something. I was scared that my parents wouldn't except me. My dad some how lost Finding Nemo, right after Ellen Degenurous (sp?) came out. So, I said I was doing a debate in social studies on homesexuality, and I neede their opinions for a survey. Aparently, my dad actually lost it, they were complety find with people being gay. So I told them.

My friends I wasn't so worried about, if they couldn't accept me because I digged girls and guys, then they weren't really my friends. Always remember that.

Some tips on telling your parents.
1. Make sure you know officially yourself, that it isn't just a short crush, or simple admiration.
2.Make sure you have someplace to go if they freak out at first. It doesn't have to be permanent, just till they cool down.
3. If they really can't except you, make sure you can support yourself.
4. Don't start by introducing them to a boy/girlfriend. Make sure they know your gay/lesbion/bi before introducing a relationship.

Other then those four, I can't think of anything else, but make sure you tell them. Hiding in the closet for a little while is fine, but living there is a no no.

[Fyxe]

[size=1][color=slategray]I know how you feel. About a year ago I basically fell head over heels for a girl and didn't know what to do for the longest time. I guess I traced back, and realized that maybe it hadn't been so sudden after all. I had always felt particularly attracted to girls. So, meh.

I'm not so sure how I came out. All I know is that I sort of discussed it with some people rather close to me. About the girl I was interested in, and about how I was unsure. Actually, some of my friends actually helped me come out, they helped me through my doubts and problems. I'm really glad I went to them.
Yeah, that's the main problem, the fact that your friends of the same sex will think you are attracted to them. There isn't really anything you can do about it, actually. You just have to be honest about your sexual orientation and ask them for support and such. But don't make it a big deal, approach it casually and you should be fine. I KNOW that one of my friends was personally uncomfortable around me after I came out, but I was basically like, "Look, it's not like I'm interested in [I]you[/I]. Cool off." About a month later she was fine again. It'll take some people a little while get used to the fact, while others just won't give a flying rip.

When should you tell them? Well, don't make it like some big occasion. Just tell them when you are all hanging out, just bring it up.
And rumors and gossip shouldn't really be that much of a problem. Sure, after I came out, I had a few people call me a *** and dyke, but they laid off after a few weeks, when they realized that it left no effect on me. You just have to be cool about it. Don't let anyone harsh your mellow.
[center]^
|
I officially sound like a surfer. w00T![/center][/color][/size]

[HarveyDandylion]

There is no reason why this should be a big thing, no neede to sit them all down and tell them with your most serious face. For a start that is just so cliche. You should just be yourself, check out blokes randomly whenever you feel like it, comment and such. Just dont hide it and when they ask you, then tell them.
Its not like in this day and age there are going to be many people with issues about it and so theres really no need to be so dramatic, coming out is just self indulgent. If they don't wish to be your friends go out and make some good friends who respect you somewhat.
Just remember its only a part of who you are, if you make to big a deal about it youll end up just being a nother gay in ever ones eyes. Unless of course thats what you want to be. Either way, from personal experience its better to not make it a big thing and let people go if they dont like who you are.

[Sandy]

[QUOTE=HarveyDandylion]
Its not like in this day and age there are going to be many people with issues about it and so theres really no need to be so dramatic, coming out is just self indulgent.
[/QUOTE]


I'm sorry, but even though you might have had such experiences, it's entirely dependent on case. Some people can't, won't and will never approve us homosexuals no matter how common it gets. Some are even willing to take drastic measures to wipe us away from the face of the earth.

Please don't be naïve about this issue, it could be unhealthy for you. There can always be some violent lunatic around when you kiss your boyfriend publicly or just hold hands. And what comes to the family, it's not entirely uncommon for somebody to get kicked out of their home once they come out.

I don't want to scare anybody, we just have to face the realities.

FYI, my coming out was quite calm, the only one I discussed it more lengthily was my granny - everybody else just sucked it in, whether they really liked it or not.

My advice is that you only have come out to those you feel you want to. Of course it'd be great if everybody could see how many of us are out there, but you don't have to risk your health or your job for it to happen. Blurping it out in a wrong place can really do more harm than good.

[PiroMunkie]

[size=1]I would say the biggest thing is, like someone mentioned, make sure you definitely know for sure. If you think it's awkward to tell people now, try and imagine if you realized you weren't and had to go back. There would be a lot of "I told you so's" and other crap like that.

Homo/bisexuality seems to have been very trendy in the last few years. Bisexuality more than anything. I have a lot more respect for homosexuals than I do for bisexuals (nothing against the individual people). I have homoerotic tendencies, i.e. I'm not afraid to hit on guys, and such. Heck, I've even slept in the same bed with a gay guy who I [i]knew[/i] was attracted to me. I trusted him enough to know that he wouldn't do anything, and he didn't.

I know that homosexuals aren't at all different from other people except for their sexual preference (which really seems like a weird thing to differ on ... I really just can't imagine being gay at all, but that's another topic) Not everyone is that understanding. You also might run the risk of being kicked out your college (it being Catholic and all). Maybe, maybe not. I believe I've heard stories of stuff like that happening.

And lastly, if you truly believe you're homosexual, don't let that be a gateway for other life changes. I'm assuming you're Catholic since you're going to the said college. Just because the Church doesn't agree with homosexuality doesn't mean you shouldn't agree with it. All I know is that I've known a handful a homosexual people in my day, and most of them were in to other things that I just really couldn't agree with at all. And it just seems that it's a psychological thing. When you're shunned from one area you go to the other.

I don't know ... just be smart about what you're doing. I don't really have any tips on how to come out to people, being that I've never had to do it for obvious reasons, but I hope all that helped.[/size]