Writing Land of the Free {PG}

[Alchemist1080]

Okay, this is my first thread. YAAAAY!!! Well, I have been working on this poem for quite some time and I wanna see what interesting thoughts you all have on it. So post what you think, give some constructive criticism and all that.

Land of the Free


One nation
blood tainted and guilty of many crimes
responsible for taking away
so many lives.
One Nation
now called the land of opportunity.
The stolen land
that we now call
the Land of the Free
We all stand and pledge allegiance
to a blood stained flag
representing
One Nation
now trying to take over everybody else
under God
He won't forsake us cuz we all forsaken ourselves
Indivisible
yet divided by age, race, and class
With Liberty
yet we are all captured by the media's lies
and justice
yet the innocent are in Jail and unjust go free
The best nation in the world is all this and more.
People keep coming cuz they can't stand the allure
of the propoganda that One Nation let's the whole world see.
The only place to be...
The Land of the Free.


Comments pleeeease....

[2010DigitalBoy]

Dude, that was freakin awesome! I could totally see that being a really cool rap song (I know, it's an oxy-moron)

One suggestion, you say "blood-tainted" and "blood-stained". Just change one of those to something else.

[Alchemist1080]

well, i put blood stained to show that this country killed so that we were able to get that flag/pledge.

[Guest Balmung_san]

Quite beautiful. Your writing is very descriptive. You get quite the "minds-image"

[Revelation]

[color=#CD6619]People, please refrain from such poor post quality! If you need help on how to write a critique, please go here -> [URL=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=48241][B]Constructive Criticism[/B][/URL]. Also, if you haven't already, go to the [URL= http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313][B]OB Anthology Basics[/URL][/B], it'll help.

Now, this is only a warning but next time I might not be so kind as to write a warning... in fact, Lady A might not be so kind, either. So please, try to have more details and length.

- Revelation.[/color]

[Alchemist1080]

I don't know if you care or not, but I made another part to my poem "Land of the Free" so, give your [B]constructive[/B] criticism, leave comments, all that oither good stuff...

The Land of the free (pt. 2)



The land of the free
Where there?s amber waves of grains
That were once worked on by slaves
That came here in chains
Worked in the cotton fields for those who thought for
Fought for
Killed for
The dream of One Nation
That was to make it
To go out there and take it
Whatever it is, just take it
By any means necessary.
From killing Natives after thanksgiving to
The trail of tears
You think that is was over then
But that was the least of their fears
as One Nation started to materialize over the years
As the great United States rose over the blood sweat and tears.
From the American Revolution to the great civil war
From Vietnam and Korea to operation desert storm
Now theres a new Vietnam without the protest songs
A new war era that left more than 3000 soldiers gone.
An era that motivates us to raise our M16 and fire Smart Bombs
A new are where nobody can say ?cant we all just get along?
A new era
Where the imprisoned innocents lose all their hope
And get gang raped because they dropped the soap.
A new era
Where it?s okay to break bread wit one man one day
Help him fight Iran with chemical weapons from the CIA
Give him power over a country and call him a hero
Now we want to try and kill this man because he was like the roman emperor Nero
A new era
When the youngest people start packing Colt 45s
Where babies before they are even born lose their lives
Where there is a way to get high off of most of the school supplies tat you find
When the black power fist turns to a fuck you sign....

The best nation in the world is all this and more.
People keep coming cuz they can't stand the allure of
the propoganda one nation lets the whole wrold see...
te one place to be... the land of the free

The land where you can smoke all day
Drink all night
Have your main entertainment be a gang fight
Every day you frear about getting shot down
having your best fiend in jail cuz he couldn?t put the glock down
losing your family to some guy with a rifle
and having your children live through that same cycle
all in One Nation?..


So much for opportunity?.