Writing Final Fantasy VIII - Orior Palam Deus - FINAL CUT

[Doublehex]

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[I]The man, a tortured soul?
A battle, weary in his heart?
Anguish, his only companion.

His Love is his Betrayer,
His corruption,
His torture of the mind,
His rendering of souls,
An ancient memory.

His past is a horrid one
A father, cruel and malicious,
Shattered glass and needles by his bedside,
Sporting a breath that reeked of death.

It was then,
That the man became the Wolf.

The Wolf is tortured by the day?
He longs for the night?

He prowls the cities like a beast after his prey,
Seeking those who rendered the children.
He who longs for the ones that caused that horrid battle,
That battle long ago,
The same battle that remains a constant nightmare in his dreams.

He seeks their blood.

He will have his tithe.

But while the Wolf hunts,
The God waits,
King of Time and Space,
Father of an Ancient kind,
Of those who brought liberation and tyranny to the Planet,
And the Child of the being that knows neither of the great Colors.

The Wolf Hunts.

The God waits.
[/I]





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A castle, dark and foreboding of a horrible future for all of mankind under the moonlight, a fog wrapping itself around the countless towers and chains that kept the fort afloat above the earth, swallowed in by its gloom. This castle was once the symbol of a great nation and king; its bricks pure gold and crystalline, the wooden frameworks perfect in form and construction, allowing no natural force to move them even the slightest of an inch.

None had inhabited this ancient mansion for thousands of years, save one. He was a man once, but his soul had decayed long ago, making his physical appearance only a hollow shell. But this man, despite his curse, was a mastermind, the ancestor of an ancient and benevolent race that long before the Pawn of Heaven summoned the Death from Above, ruled the planet for thousands of years.

The man was infuriated when the Planet killed nearly all of their descendants just so the Planet herself could survive. But now, something will change all that.

The man wiped away at his long, golden hair, his face long and narrow but still full of strength. His armor was black and golden, the shoulders long and rigid like daggers. The emblem of a lion pouncing its prey was melded onto the chest plate, and in the lion?s jaw was a scarlet jewel. A red cape enveloped the man?s armor, adding to the image of a once powerful man.

The chamber was once a great throne room, its master a benevolent king. The throne was made of gold, the armrests massive lion paws, and the tip of the throne revealing the jaw of a wise and ageless lion. But the man had changed long ago, morphing into dust, and the throne followed in a similar suit: the great paws became threatening and demonic claws, the lion?s maw now that of a horned monstrosity. The throne room itself, once bathed in an eternal light that gave hope to all, was now filled with a senseless void that reeked death and infamy.

Then the man felt something.

He smiled. His child had found him, the one he would use to restore the world, and his race. Good. Gaia had protected their ilk for a long time, but her strength weakened by every attempt of their Enemy. Now, the process of making the Ancients a great and ruling race over the planet would begin?and none could stop it now, save the man who crafted the plan itself, the man who sat on the dark throne.

? You?ve found me, child. Good, very good. ?

The man smiled a smile full of dark intent. That knowledge sent a shiver down the sleeper?s spine as he slept.

? Fear me not child, for there is much to be done. ?

The sleeper couldn?t help but ask what it was he must do for this king of an empty castle.

? Now, now child, you must learn the value of the word patience. I will tell you of my, our plan, the plan that will make you and I kings. But now, rest. You have your schemes, and I have mine. Farewell and let us meet again. ?

[Goodbye, Face]

[font=trebuchet ms]Good to see that you're still posting this here, friend, although you didn't get any comments on the original version.

I like the smaller sectilons better, as it's just easier for me to take the time to read. I've already told you my opinion.

[quote]The man wiped away at his long, golden hair, his face long and narrow but still full of strength. His armor was black and golden, the shoulders long and rigid like daggers. The emblem of a lion pouncing its prey was melded onto the chest plate, and in the lion?s jaw was a scarlet jewel. A red cape enveloped the man?s armor, adding to the image of a once powerful man.[/quote]

That paragraph is an attempt to smoothly work in some character details without bothering the pacing and action. Well, it doesn't quite work. One look at it and you think "Oh, that's character development," and I just think it needs to be spread out more. Throw in the sentence about the hair and move on, saving the armor for the next paragraph or whatever. I think it will flow better, and you'll get the same idea of the character without it being obviously flung at you.

The rest is pretty good and I have no problems with it, good luck![/font]

[Revelation]

[size=1][color=#CD6619]Hello and welcome, [B]Doublehex[/B]. It's a fine day to be posting a story in the [B]OB Anthology[/B], wouldn't you say? But alas, a gloomy cloud should be casted upon it. There seems to be some trouble with your story, my good friend.

Question: Have you recently read the [B][URL=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313]OB Anthology Basics[/B][/url]? If you haven't, it's best that you do so. It tells you a lot about what is required and one of the biggest requirements, that I am aware of, is having a [B]Thread Rating[/B].

Now, the good part is that if you want to recreate your thread, you can but remember the rating. ^_^

THREAD CLOSED.[/size][/color]