I need some help please. And opinions

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy]Hey I know I haven't been on nearly as much as I used to be, but I have a really good reason and I can sum it in two words Messy Divorce. So I'm really sorry for my absence but this excuse is really good.

Yes I've been going through the big 'D' and I don't mean Dallas (love that song) thanks to my ex husband and his new wife. Who by the way is apperantly El's gift to all men and I should consider myself lucky for our daughter to have her as a step mother. So lucky infact that I should just love her to death (Hey, I wonder if that works) for helping to break up my marriage. At least according to my ex. Infact, here's the latest excerpt from an email. If you could please read and give some opinions I'd be much obliged.

[quote name='CHW's Ex Husband']Also, the other concern that I need to address is the matter of Connie's involvement in all this. Megan needs to understand that Connie is a part of my life and always will be. She cares as much for Abby as I do, and during the time I've spent with Abby, she has demonstrated a very high level of care. She's had eleven years of experience raising her own daughter and cares for Abby as if she were her own. Megan needs to deal with this in a mature manner; she could not hope for a better woman than Connie to help me with Abby during the time I spend with her. I can only hope that when Megan gets involved in a relationship, the man involved is half as good to Abby as Connie is. They don't need to be friends, but any problems Megan has with Connie will mean that our conflict must be settled through legal channels.[/quote]

I will have you all know that I have been very mature about this whole matter. I believe that I am well within my rights as a person with emotions to not like her and have some problems with her.

This divorce is very recent and she's the woman who helped to make it happen. So can someone tell me if I'm wrong to be like this or if I'm within my rights. He's been playing mind games like this since last year at this time.

Should I really care that she has 'eleven years of experiance as a mom'? She's not handing in a resumë, she's just trying to replace me in another way. At least that's how I see it. I mean she has my ex husband, why doesn't she just get herself knocked up again if she wants a kid so bad? I mean it's not like she has a model figure that she has to worry about losing- the woman is built like me. So she... sorry I'm just really mad. So, opinions please?[/color][/font]

[Papa Smurf]

Hey Meg, good to see you again.

I'm feeling very, very sinister right now, so I'm mildly worried my reply will be much meaner than you're accustomed to, but I'll resist the urge to use all manners of curses and volunteer to break a few kneecaps for you, and reply as best I can.

While I think it's a...good idea...to try to make sure things go smoothly during the transition...I think mistakes are being made. I can't see how Lincoln or Connie honestly believe this is the best way to go about this transition. The email you quoted is downright asinine.

I don't know if I can even offer a suggestion because the entire thing pisses me off to no end. The more I think about it, the more I am leaning in the direction of breaking kneecaps.

I guess I can say this, though. While I think you can react a bit better to it...the kind of craptacular tone and approach they're pulling warrants such a reaction. Especially if Lincoln was involved with her before the divorce.

[Charles]

I'm confused as to what's going on here exactly. Is there an actual custody battle being fought or are you uncomfortable with your daughter being around his home-wrecking wife?

In any case, it seems like your ex-husband is trying to convince you that this woman would make a better mother than you. He emphasizes that Connie cares about your daughter as if she was her own and then tries to tear down your capability as a mother by throwing up her experience. But, come on. If we were talking about Home Depot here those eleven months would be relevant. However, we're not talking about a typical "job" at all. As the child's natural mother no other woman is better-suited to mother your daughter. Especially if she ends up having a personality like yours. You hold a natural, intimate connection to your daughter that this woman never can. So, she'll never be able to take your place.

Anyway, I know your husband has an account here. Show him this thread. I'd like to speak with him.

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[quote name='Charles']I'm confused as to what's going on here exactly. Is there an actual custody battle being fought or are you uncomfortable with your daughter being around his home-wrecking wife? [/quote]

[color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy] Okay sorry about that. Allow me to clarify. The divorce was finalized in September a week after what would have been our three year aniversary.

There is a custody battle going on right now. He's even sunken to use his mother to try and get visitation of Abby- and he hates his mother!

I have no real issue with my daughter being around Connie. What I have an issue with his how he's acting as though since I only have twenty months of mothering experiance compaired with her eleven years and since he has never actually seen me being a mother to our daughter (well how could he since he was in Iraq from the time our daughter was two weeks until the time she was six months and we were officially divorced a week before she turned one) that she's the better choice.

I would rather die than see him gain shared custody of our daughter (which is what they're going for) She's my baby not his (well okay she is his daughter too , but he hasn't spent that much time with her) I know he doesn't have our daughter's best interests at heart only his, his new wife's and his step daughter's. His entire family has pretty much forgotten about this child- because of Lincoln or because of themselves I'm not sure- but it galls me that she ( I could copy and paste emails from her as well) claims to have become so attached to my child in such a short ammount of time (She's only lived in Carthage NY since November and the last time Abby spent time with them was in January) and that his family claims to love and miss her so much when no one has bothered to ask how she is until a month before my ex comes back into the states.

And finally I fail to see how someone with such low standards can be a better mother than me even though she has a higher paying job and is ten years older than me. [/color][/font]

[quote name='Charles']Anyway, I know your husband has an account here. Show him this thread. I'd like to speak with him. [/quote]

[color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy] About that. I wish I could help. But he hasn't used his old email for who knows how long and I don't think he even posts on here. I know his new email is [email][email protected][/email] or [email][email protected][/email]. If you could change his info you could get a hold of him that way. But even then good luck because neither he or his new wife seem to think they did anything wrong and can't seem to grasp why I should have less than warm fuzzy feelings for his new woman.

Thanks for listening to me vent everyone. I appreciate it. Especially the offer of broken kneecaps![/color][/font]

[SunfallE]

[COLOR=RoyalBlue]Personally I?m against joint custody. Coming from parents who got divorced when I was a kid and from having friends in the same situation, it?s a kind of hell to have to go back and forth between parents. Especially when one parent is acting like the other one isn?t a good parent. In your case it?s your ex implying that you are not a good mother where with me it was my wacky mother claiming my father was cruel when he isn?t.

Anyway, the principal is the same. Eleven years of experience means absolutely nothing. It?s no guarantee that she?s actually a good mother. Being kid number four meant that when my mom divorced my dad she had been a mother for 17 years already and let me tell you, it was no picnic. We all would have been much better off if my dad had gotten custody instead of her.

I can certainly understand why you would be upset, after all his whole argument about custody seems to be based on the idea that eleven years of being a mother somehow makes someone a good parent while implying that you are less capable. Honestly as I?ve already stated, years do not equal parenting ability. Besides as you already said, if they really miss her so much why ignore her? If they really felt that way they would have been trying to communicate with you on a regular basis to see how your daughter is doing.

By behaving as if they have done nothing wrong they are also implying that it is you who needs to come to them to get their forgiveness. I could be wrong, but that?s what I get out of what you said. And if that is true, I have no patience for people like that either as they always act like everything is your fault instead of being willing to admit that they made a mistake.

Anyway, best of luck with the custody battle. [/COLOR]

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[QUOTE=Charles]

In any case, it seems like your ex-husband is trying to convince you that this woman would make a better mother than you. He emphasizes that Connie cares about your daughter as if she was her own and then tries to tear down your capability as a mother by throwing up her experience. But, come on. If we were talking about Home Depot here those eleven months would be relevant. However, we're not talking about a typical "job" at all.
. [/QUOTE]

[color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy] I forgot to respond to this part last night. But I was thinking about it this morning. He continuously mentions her years of experiance and it makes me wonder: Did he conduct widespread interviews concerning who had the oldest kids and was still somewhat attractive? Was there someone with a sixteen year old that he turned down because she worked at Home Depot? Because it sounds to me like he left me for her because she has an older kid and a better paying job. Not because he loves her more- which is what he's been telling me since last June.

Also, I have to wonder if he's ever stopped to think that maybe Connie just appears to make nice with Abby because that's what she thinks Lincoln wants. The one time I saw her in the same place with my ex my daughter and the rest of his family (pictures included and I ended up throwing up on his aunt's rug :animesmil ) Coinnie was holding his aunt's boarder collie while Abby had managed to make it all the way down the hall of their doublewide to the bathroom before anyone noticed. [/color][/font]

[quote name='SunfallE][COLOR=RoyalBlue'] Personally I?m against joint custody. Coming from parents who got divorced when I was a kid and from having friends in the same situation, it?s a kind of hell to have to go back and forth between parents. Especially when one parent is acting like the other one isn?t a good parent. In your case it?s your ex implying that you are not a good mother where with me it was my wacky mother claiming my father was cruel when he isn?t.. [/COLOR][/quote]

[color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy]I'm against joint custody as well especially since our daughter is so young. I have a theory that he's trying for joint custody as a way to stop paying me the $475 a month the military takes out of his pay. He doesn't really care about what's best for our daughter just what's right for him and his new wife. He's shown himself to be a very selfish person throughout this entire situation from calling me over the phone about the divorce to showing up at ten at night when Abby is already in bed to drive her across the state to Ft. Drum without calling ahead of time and neglecting to call all together when he doesn't feel like coming to get her.

He sent me some stuff that he and his new wife worked out that he wants me to agree with. These terms include having Abby (our daughter) for half a month each month, two weeks in the summer and allowing his mom to have two weekends a month with her- uinsupervised. That is entirely unexceptable with the exception of two weeks in the summer. True, right now she's not in school, but what kind of school or for that matter day care is going to allow me to only have my daughter attend two weeks? And what kind of stability will our daughter have being shuttled from one place to another every two weeks?

And his mom well, that's another good story. One he really doesn't get along with her and two she lives in a tiny apartment over run with cats in the inner city on a busy street. Plus she's a chain smoker and is prone to gran maul seizures. Hey what parent wouldn't be glad to let their child stay with someone like that? And don't even get me started on her poor hygeine[/color][/font]

[quote name='SunfallE][COLOR=RoyalBlue']Anyway, best of luck with the custody battle. [/COLOR][/quote]

[color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy]Thanks I'm going to need all the luck I can get. I'm going against the great American hero, defender of freedom for full custody of our daughter. You tell me who looks better [/color][/font]

[Papa Smurf]

[quote name='ChibiHorsewoman][color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy]Thanks I'm going to need all the luck I can get. I'm going against the great American hero, defender of freedom for full custody of our daughter. You tell me who looks better [/font'][/color][/quote] I could help spin it...I could so help spin it...it wouldn't be terribly difficult, either. Especially if we're playing PR.

What use is the "great American hero" when he can't even defend his own family? When he uproots an entire family to shack up with another woman? When he comes back from duty only to divorce his wife, a wife who waited for him, remaining completely faithful for...how long was it? When he doesn't even uphold the values of America--the same values he's sworn to protect both domestically and abroad?

Not to mention how likely it seems that this "great American hero" was getting something on the side with this other woman [i]during[/i] the marriage? And I'm not one to insinuate stuff like that, but I really can't believe there was no foul play there, especially when this other woman was a major factor in his push for the divorce.

Meg, your case is a publicist's dream.

The more I think about it...the more I want in on that PR action...heh.

[ChibiHorsewoman]

[QUOTE=Papa Smurf]I could help spin it...I could so help spin it...it wouldn't be terribly difficult, either. Especially if we're playing PR.

What use is the "great American hero" when he can't even defend his own family? When he uproots an entire family to shack up with another woman? When he comes back from duty only to divorce his wife, a wife who waited for him, remaining completely faithful for...how long was it? When he doesn't even uphold the values of America--the same values he's sworn to protect both domestically and abroad?

Not to mention how likely it seems that this "great American hero" was getting something on the side with this other woman [i]during[/i] the marriage? And I'm not one to insinuate stuff like that, but I really can't believe there was no foul play there, especially when this other woman was a major factor in his push for the divorce.

Meg, your case is a publicist's dream.

The more I think about it...the more I want in on that PR action...heh.[/QUOTE]

[color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy]Can you be my lawyer? And then I'll share the royalties when I write my first novel. Coincidentally it will be about this stuff right here[/color][/font]

[lcrisler]

Not sure why anyone would want this aired in an anime forum, but what they hell. Moderator says, stop, I stop.

The divorce: Ask Megan what she was doing while the "American Hero" was defending his country. She blew through $30,000 of money I earned while she was living at home with her parents. I was going to get out of the Army after I got back from Iraq. We had plans to buy a house. $3,000/mo and next to no bills (Abby wasn't born until halfway though the tour, and even then, there was WIC and I still wasn't expecting her to save everything) and she could even put $250/check in savings. That would have been $6,000. I grew up poor. That would have seemed like a king's ransom. Instead, the day before I leave Iraq, I catch her in a lie and force her to admit that there's only $800 in savings. I want a divorce, but I agree to try to work it out. During the month of leave I spent with her, I discover she lied about some bills she said she had paid. So now, there's no money AND there's bills. Am I wrong for leaving her? I think not. Megan, if you deny a shred of this, I'll let them see the email you wrote. Also, Megan's not nearly as much of a victim as she pretends to be. Look on [url]http://collarme.com[/url] and search for a user named Epona. In the journal on that profile, dated three months prior to the divorce, Megan admits to sex with one of her co-workers. Yup, she was ALL broken up about me leaving.

Our daughter: Megan complains that I haven't been a part of Abby's life. The Army admitedly makes this difficult, but she's not willing to make it any easier. I did ask her to agree to splitting residency while I am living in NY. However, by 2009 (before Abby goes to school) I will be living in California. That's why I asked her also to agree to letting me have Abby for the summers when I stop living in NY. I also agreed to pay child support during the times custody isn't split. Unreasonable? I have to hear this.

My Wife: Megan takes my email out of context. She didn't even quote the whole bloody thing. She has a problem with Connie and doesn't want her around Abby. Why should I accept that? I certainly wouldn't have a problem with Megan involving herself with a good man (for however long she can keep him) who cares about my daughter. Since Megan has thus far proven her self to be extremely selfish in these matters, I attempted to tell her the things I would want to hear most about my daughter's prospective stepfather: that he cares, loves Abby and knows what he's doing. If it came off a bit funny-sounding, you must forgive me. I'm used to dealing with rational folks.

Your Turn.

[Dagger]

[quote name='lcrisler']Not sure why anyone would want this aired in an anime forum, but what they hell. Moderator says, stop, I stop. [/quote]
And there you have it. This topic just makes me feel intensely uncomfortable; no matter how cool-headed those on either side behave, it's bound to get ugly, and that's already kind of started happening. Moreover, any advice beyond that which has already been provided is unlikely to help either of you.

Thread closed.

~Dagger~