Manga My Manga - Obscure Delirium

[Guest DrillKitty]

I told my friends about it in February, and two really like it so they wanted to help give some ideas for it.

The plot for Obscure Delirium is in an old, broken-down apartment building owned by supposedly a youthful-looking wolf demon girl named Kiyame. Right above her in the apartment lives three brothers who are basically the main characters: Corvin, Creak and Vulture. (I know, the names sound weird, and they are supposed to. =P) Corvin is in his twenties along with Vulture, however all three were separated at birth. They were all born in Japan before they were abandoned by their parents. Corvin lived in Cluj-Napoca, Romania and was raised harshly, making him act in the ways he does. Somehow he wasn't born a demon, but he became one. He is a dragon demon, and the only thing he wants is to end his misery.

Vulture, was raised in Alexandria, Egypt. He is around the age of 20, exact. He's very hyperactive, which tends to annoy Corvin a lot. Vulture, a lot of people seem to love him, when his only love will and always be a human named Sage. However, she doesn't love him back due to the fact that coincidently to Corvin, Vulture became a demon too; a bird demon.

Creak is a cowardly 17-year-old who would just like his older brothers to get along. He mostly worries about Corvin, because though other people may not see it, deep down, Corvin is actually mentally unstable. (That is where the "Obscure Delirium comes in, plus the fact that he is insane is revealed after Creak asks him to help care for a little girl who lost her mother. Creak, apparently dies during the plot, but they found out, not only is Kiyame a wolf demon, but a healing demon as well. Vulture and Corvin had Creak come back to life.

So far, that was what I had, and I'm still thinking of what should happen next. Originally, I intended on having Corvin beg for death because he feels to guilty about Creak's death. (Corvin was originally supposed to be the main character.) I know, doesn't the plot kind of suck?

[Guest Kanda34]

[[COLOR=DeepSkyBlue]hey!! thats a good manga idea i like it but mabye you could change the plot a bit over the 2 years ive lurked up with a bunch of manga ideas so if u need help or anyting just ask![/COLOR] :catgirl:
[COLOR=Sienna][SIZE=1][INDENT][B]Kanada34[/B] here at OtakuBoards, we greatly emphasize the concept of having clear, easy to read posts. This includes correct use of spelling, grammar and punctuation. Also it's a good idea to give better constructive criticism on someone's manga, you suggested changing the plot but didn't explain why you think it needs to be changed. So your post is not very helpful to the person asking what you think. Please work on improving your posts. If you have any questions feel free to pm myself or another member of the staff. ~indifference[/INDENT][/SIZE][/COLOR]

[HeartStopper]

I don't like the story, i think your tryin' too hard. and when you try too hard, you usually mess up in the process

[Horendithas]

[quote name='HeartStopper']I don't like the story, i think your tryin' too hard. and when you try too hard, you usually mess up in the process[/quote][COLOR=Sienna]HeartStopper, It's great that you took the time to respond, but your criticism is useless to the author, you didn't take the time to explain why you didn't care for it or how you felt it was messed up. You didn't give them anything on how they could improve their story. In the future if you are going to comment, try to at least explain yourself. Just take a look here for help on giving: [URL=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=53330][U][B][COLOR=Sienna]Constructive Criticism[/COLOR][/B][/U][/URL] ~indifference[/COLOR]

[Chikara Kokoro]

Okay, before I start, I must say that saying ?doesn?t that suck? at the end of a description isn?t at all helpful. The only purpose of it is to gain sympathy of others, and it?s annoying and pointless, in my opinion. It?s also one of biggest my pet peeves.

A lot of the wording in your description makes me question some parts of the plot (?apartment building owned by supposedly a youthful-looking wolf demon girl? and ?around the age of 20, exact? are two examples), but I don?t want to give you a lesson in writing/grammar. Still, you should consider learning how to be more precise with your words before you try to write a manga.

I?m led to wonder what the demons actually add to this plot. Is there any reason that you can?t just have normal humans who can use magic? That seems like a much more interesting, not to mention more relateable, set of characters to me.

The names of the three brothers are quite original, and I think that?s great. But the wolf-demon?s name seems to be Japanese. I think that in order to justify that you should have at least three reasons why you gave her a Japanese name :p

Your characters are wonderfully real. Their personalities seem like they belong to people that I would be able to meet (and maybe even like). Stay true to the characters because they seem to be the guiding force of this manga, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Egypt and Romania are both very interesting places, and they are both places that are not Japan. This is another one of my pet peeves, but I don?t understand why you would want to set the story in Japan like every other manga that?s already out there. Many other countries are beautiful and have fascinating cultures. Why would you limit yourself by putting your story in a place that has been read about by manga fans almost all of the time? There?s nothing wrong with using a different country. Take a risk!

All around I think that if you got rid of the demons and removed any trace of Japan this story would be very readable. I know I would at least give it a chance. Have you made any sketches of the characters or any rough drafts of the script yet? I?m not sure that you really gave a clear idea of what the story is really about, and I?d like to hear more about that.